so the fish said...
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Do you hear something ticking, or is it just me?

Several months ago, with no advance warning, babies ate my brain. I'm not quite sure how it happened. All I know is that one day I developed this radar that can locate any baby within 100 yards and also developed a nearly uncontrollable urge, once I locate the baby, to pick it up and lick it. I am obsessed with little baby toes and chubby baby thighs and toothless baby smiles. I have recently taken up knitting, and it takes all the willpower I possess to refrain from making itsy-bitsy baby booties all the live long day.

This makes me crazy. I have a job! And an education! And hobbies! And I do not need a baby to complete my life or make me fulfilled or save my marriage or make my ass any bigger. I like doing what I want when I want. And I suspect that babies are a lot harder to care for than cats and that you can't just leave some extra food when you go away for the weekend. I can think of a hundred good solid logical reasons I should not have a baby, and not a single good solid logical reason I should.

And every time I see a baby I want to lie down on the floor and cry and kick my legs and pitch a major tantrum until someone gives me one of my own.

How serious is it? I. Gave. Up. Coffee. That's serious.

Comments (3)

Oh girl, you're a goner. Once you mess with the coffee consumption its no longer a choice, really.

My friend Sarah has a pronounced need to smell babies' heads. The first time she mentioned it to me it had never occurred to me before, but it made perfect sense.

It's weird, this baby thing. I mean, I'm a boy, for cram sakes -- I'm not even supposed to like kids that much, if I've got my stereotypes straight. But the other night at the sushi place Erin and I just sat there staring at this serene, strangely balding Asian baby at the next table, and agreed he might be the most pleasant baby either of us have ever seen.

Kitties purr! Babies don't! You don't have to send kitties to college, either! I keep repeating this to myself. So far it's working. So far ...

I have no wisdom or insight here, except to say that I know that urge, and it's one powerful urge. Best o' luck.

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So the Fish Said...

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