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Important things I have learned this week

Orange juice and protein powder smoothies taste like ass.

People who attended and/or work at the University of Virginia are snobs. Point one; they refer to the UVA campus as "The Grounds." Point two; they refer to UVA as "The University." Seriously, they have bumper stickers. Point three; they refer to Thomas Jefferson as "Mr. Jefferson" in casual conversation. Point four; they credit Mr. Jefferson with inventing everything from education to the internet. Al Gore is gonna be pissed when he hears that.

If you are going to speak at a commencement ceremony for UVA, you need to get together with the other speakers and decide who gets to talk about The Epitaph. Otherwise, you all stand around and talk about death for an hour and the graduates do not find that inspiring.

If you break your 9 year old daughter's glasses by slapping them off of her face, you should not take your daughter to the optometrist with you to get the glasses fixed or she will announce to the entire waiting room how the glasses came to be broken.

If you ignore the above and your 9 year old daughter announces to a crowd of strangers that you broke her glasses by slapping them off of her face you should at least pretend to have a little shame.

Drinking one glass of wine is nothing but an evil and heartbreaking tease.

You should not have conversations hours after you are generally asleep. If you do, you may wind up telling your husband a long story about how you have super powers to make it be Friday that you bought at a yard sale as a child but that they only work on Fridays and anyway they are at the cleaners. You may also tell your husband about other yard sale finds such as the Elvis record or the ceramic owl candle holder.

Realizing that you have a cat old enough to be going to college if that cat were a child does not mean that you should go ahead and have a baby because hey, if it was that easy with the cat the kid can't be that much harder.

Sometimes at work, Bite Me is not appropriate for use in conversation. Also, Eat Me. This severely limits my ability to communicate. At least I still have Fuckwad.

Comments (2)

Wow, I'm thinking its a good thing my 9 year old doesn't wear glasses.

I promise all UVA grads/employees aren't like that. But the UVA-speak is just part of the whole culture. It's not necessarily institutionalized snobbery. And it's definitely no worse than Princeton and its eating clubs.

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So the Fish Said...

Whoever you are, now I place my hand upon you, that you be my poem, I whisper with my lips close to your ear.

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I want to get a pet duck and keep it in the bathtub.
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