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Authoritarian Regime, and Other Stories


I have decided to institute an authoritarian regime. I think I am well suited to this job because I really like to make new rules but don't always like to follow them. You may call me either Dear Leader or Mistress Beth. It is entirely your choice, because that is the kind of open and understanding benevolent dictator that I am. Now, for my first proclamation:

New Rules for Concert-Goers

1. Shut. Thefuck. Up. If you are not interested in the concert, don't go to the concert. If you go to the concert, sit quietly and watch the show. You may make occasional, relevant comments to your neighbors. You may not spend 4 hours talking about what Lauren said to Jessica and whether or not Jessica was the one who told Taylor about it.

2. Do not leave your beer bottles and other random trash on the lawn. I mean people, please. There are trash cans right behind you. Don't be an asshole.

3. When leaving the parking lot, try not to hit any other cars. If you do hit another car, try even harder not to hit a second car within 60 seconds. Once you have driven your car into two other perfectly innocent cars it may be time to realize you are being a teensy little bit too aggressive and maybe, I don't know, CHILL.

4. If you have an unfortunate hair loss condition resulting in a bald spot that is not so much a bald spot but is really a bald stripe down one side of your head, you should wear a hat. Or at least not sit directly in front of me. And also, get rid of the mullet because it isn't fooling anybody.

5. Rufus Wainwright and Guster should form a new band together. Because Oh. My. Dude. That was incredible. Also, Rufus Wainwright should come sit over here with me and maybe let me lick him just a little bit.


1. Cats do not understand tough love.

2. If you are wearing sunglasses and have another pair of sunglasses on top of your head so you will remember to take them back out to your car, you should remove at least one pair of sunglasses before going in to work.

3. It occurred to me last night that every guy I ever dated was a musician (in order they were guitar, voice/sax, voice/guitar, sax, anything with strings). (Yes, there were only 5. I started dating my husband when I was 18.)

4. As a corollary to the above, there is nothing sexier to me than a guy who is a musician. Case in point, I like the firemen and all, but did I marry a fireman? Nope. I married a rock star.

5. If the shirt you are wearing is so tight that you cannot button the last button, maybe you should consider a different shirt.

6. Sign language for "giving the finger" is actually giving the finger.

Comments (5)

Yeah, sorry about that bald thing the other day, my hat was at the cleaners. *snicker*

I'll go with Mistress Beth.

I LOVE Rufus, have been singing along with him in the car lately. I've actually seen Guster in concert too. Good stuff.

Sorry there were so many imbeciles at the show. Unfortunately, it's kind of a given. They obviously didn't hear the news. (about the new authoritarian regime).

so does how far does your rule extend? and are there any chances you can make this
a reality???? :-)

Sounds like reasonable requests to me :)


I also like the whole Mistress Beth thing. It's mysterious!

And I agree with all of your proclamations, even the ones about Guster and Rufus and whomever (none of whom I've heard, ever), just because you're usually right!

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So the Fish Said...

Whoever you are, now I place my hand upon you, that you be my poem, I whisper with my lips close to your ear.

- Walt Whitman

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I want to get a pet duck and keep it in the bathtub.
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