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A new book idea, taking bribery to a whole new level, and a guided tour of my neuroses (none of which is funny, better luck tomorrow)

First of all, I have given up on being able to write a post about any single topic or even a series of related topics, so I am going to continue with my habit of stringing together some random thought until I get tired of typing. Deal with it.

A New Book Idea
I am reading Reading Lolita in Tehran and have decided that I should write a book called Reading Reading Lolita in Tehran in Virginia. And then, someone could read my book and write their own book called Reading Reading Reading Lolita in Tehran in Virginia in London, leading of course to Reading Reading Reading Reading Lolita in Tehran in Virginia in London in Moscow and so on. Riveting stuff, I swear.

Taking Bribery to a Whole New Level
You should all run right over to Dawnie's because she is wonderful and brilliant and funny and also because she put me in her cool little purple box thing at the bottom of her post, which makes me very cool because Dawnie is cool so I am cool by association. However, it took more than lipgloss to score a place on Dawnie's blog. I had to offer to take her to Italy. (Confidential to Dawnie: I have decided we should not pack anything at all and just buy all new clothes while we are there.)

A Guided Tour of My Neuroses
I am going to JournalCon next month because my husband made sad little puppy dog eyes at me until I agreed to go. Now people, I do a piss-poor job of meeting people one at a time (because I am a freak, but that is a topic for another post) and the idea of meeting a entire conference worth of people is twitching me out just a bit/ok more than a bit/well yes totally/oh my god! (Strangely, I have no problem whatsoever speaking or singing or tap dancing or just about anything else in front of hundreds of people at a time. I already mentioned I was a freak.) Anyway, I am seriously considering shooting myself in the foot to get out of going. Ok, not really, but I really am considering getting a nasty splinter in my finger or something and seeing if that works. I have decided to present a list of the things that I think are fairly likely to happen at JournalCon so that if I meet you at JournalCon and any or all of these things happen you won't be able to say I didn't warn you.

- I will be unable to open my mouth for any reason for three days and will have to be rushed to the emergency room and treated for dehydration.
- I will be unable to shut my mouth for three days and will tell everyone in attendance my entire life story in great and painstaking and boring detail until someone finally smacks me just to shut me up.
- I will accidentally set off the hotel fire alarm at 3am and everyone will be forced into the street in their pajamas for 9 hours and then the firemen will come out with bullhorns and announce that it was all my fault. And also, then the firemen will never date me.
- There will be a big fancy dinner and everyone else will be beautiful and fabulous and I will inadvertently show up without pants.
- I will trip. Into people. Constantly. Every time I move.
- Every single person I hated in junior high will be there and will spend the entire weekend talking about me; such as "hey, remember what her hair looked like when she was 13?" and "hey, remember how bad she was at volleyball?"
- There will be a Mandatory JournalCon Attendee Volleyball Tournament.
- I will inadvertently show up to the Mandatory JournalCon Attendee Volleyball Tournament without pants.

Consider yourselves forewarned.

Comments (8)

You arent supposed to wear pants to the Mandatory JournalCon Attendee Volleyball Tournament, dont ya know?

Do not be afraid of JournalCon, for I'll be at JournalCon! And I promise to bring extra pants for you, just in case.

Warning: I will also be very very drunk during the evening parts of JournalCon, and very very hungover during the day parts. But it will be fun!

Also: I've already heard your life story! And you've heard mine! No worries. You'll have fun. And if you get scared and if the weird internet people start freaking you out? You can just come find me and it will all be OK. I promise.

Wow. Now I'm kinda sad I'm not going... (I love fire alarms at 3am!!)

Had I known there will be a pants-optional volleyball game, I'd be there. Spectators can show up sans-pants too, right?

Oh, but at least you will have your husband with you! I will be there on my own, and I'm a little shy. I hadn't considered the pants problem though -- now I've got a new worry!

Pants? OMG! I'm not packing any!

But you like firemen! And I'll take the heat for anything they blame you for so that you may date them. If you forget pants, I'll forget pants too because that's what husbands are for :-)

If you can't speak and choose to communicate through tap? That is a-okay with me.

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So the Fish Said...

Whoever you are, now I place my hand upon you, that you be my poem, I whisper with my lips close to your ear.

- Walt Whitman

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I want to get a pet duck and keep it in the bathtub.
I am addicted to chap stick and altoids.
I am freakishly flexible.

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