I won an award today for all my hard work. No, seriously. They announced it on a conference call and everything. It went something like this:
And this year's Best Impression of a Valuable Employee While in Truth Being a Total Slack-Ass Award goes to.
The envelope please.
Beth, in recognition of your last 4 months of hard work, which consisted almost entirely of blogging, reading blogs, and other random surfing of the internet, while occasionally taking time to look up a few zip codes or showcase your consistently bad attitude, we would like to present you with this special You Rock plaque for you to admire and occasionally dust. In addition, here is a lovely and attractive wad of cash which you may use to buy liquor. Or shoes. We are honoring you with this recognition because we are clearly smoking something and also because your ass looks really good in those pants, which is the only contribution of any value you have made to this company in several months. Congratulations!
Why, thank you Celebrity Presenter.
First, I would like to thank the Company, for not firing me yet and for giving me my very own office with my very own window and my very own door, which I can shut when I really need to focus on reading someone's blog or when it is so funny that I am literally snorting with laughter and do not want to disturb by fellow Faithful Employees.
Many thanks to the US Postal Service for coming up with all those clever and entertaining zip codes which I spent several happy weeks looking up. At least occasionally, when I ran out of blogs to read and nobody was online to chat.
Also, thanks go to my manager for looooving me for no reason whatsoever that I can figure out. Unless maybe it is the cash I slip him under the table. That might be it.
I have to mention San Antonio, TX 75024, Palo Alto, CA 94306, Culver City, CA 90230, and San Jose, CA 95124. None of this would have been possible without you!
But mostly, I would like to thank the Little People. The midgets. The dwarves. The very short men who try to make up for their lack of stature by driving big, loud sports cars. Thank you, Little People!
And last but not least, thanks to My Public for your admiration and love. I deserve it. I do.