I was going to write a post about how Garrison Keillor is my new boyfriend because he reads me a poem every morning when I leave the gym. But then, I met BedHeadSmallTalk. Oh BedHeadSmallTalk, where have you been all my life? BedHeadSmallTalk is my new boyfriend because BedHeadSmallTalk really listens to me and cares about my feelings and does nice things for me just because. BedHeadSmallTalk and I are in love. It could not have happened at a better time. I had been very depressed when RetroBlowDryLotion just ran out on me with no warning and didn't even say goodbye. I mean, we both knew that it wasn't working out, but I was still there every morning making the effort and I felt I deserved some sort of explanation. Now I barely even remember all my months with RetroBlowDryLotion, because BedHeadSmallTalk is just so perfect for me.
For example, when I say to BedHeadSmallTalk, "BedHeadSmallTalk, you know that place in my otherwise straw-straight hair where it is all wavy and frizzy and looks like a zipper? I want that to be nice and straight like all the rest of my hair." BedHeadSmallTalk does not argue with me or tell me I am being too demanding. BedHeadSmallTalk just makes the zipper part all nice and straight.
And when I say to BedHeadSmallTalk, "BedHeadSmallTalk, you know that other place in the back that always does the opposite of what I want it to do? That flips out when I want it to flip under and flips under when I want it to flip out? That even when I try to trick it by flipping it the wrong way and not letting it see what all the rest of the hair is doing still always goes the wrong way? You know that piece? It hurts me when it does that." And BedHeadSmallTalk just says "I'm sorry baby, it won't happen again." And then BedHeadSmallTalk takes that bad wrong-flippy piece and makes it flip the right way and tells it if it ever treats me like that again it will have to deal with BedHeadSmallTalk.
And then this morning? BedHeadSmallTalk stacked up all my layers in the back, just because BedHeadSmallTalk loves me. It isn't even my birthday or our anniversary or anything. BedHeadSmallTalk just wanted to do something nice for me to show me how much he cares. I mean, any guy can bring you flowers or candy, but how many will do your layers in the back?
I am totally going to marry BedHeadSmallTalk. Mrs. Beth BedHeadSmallTalk. Catchy, yes?