Well, let's see. What's been going on?
The afternoon after I posted my last entry a bird shit on me. It seemed so appropriate, given the way things have been going for me lately and it was sort of like final evidence that the universe in general was shitting on me.
Gosh, bitter much?
But other than that things have been great. Well, no, ok. that was a total lie. But as much as I love you all and want to make out with many of you and am even actually formally betrothed to one of you, there are some things that ya'll just do not want to hear me whine about because they are so sad and pitiful that you would immediately sink into a great depression in sympathy for me and I just cannot have that on my conscience. Seriously, I am expecting to be made into a Lifetime Original Movie Event in the near future. Which is why I decided to take a break from this thing, which I intended to be longer, but dammit I miss you people. So then I was going to come back and just do a bunch of happy bullshit but I tried to write that and it sucked because it was, you know, bullshit.
So let's just say that if all the things going on lately were not too ridiculous and pitiful and frankly outrageous to discuss and if I did tell you all about it in great detail you would all feel very very sorry for poor little me and the rash of shit which I did not deserve but which I have been served anyway. And then you would all buy me chocolate and wine and flowers and a new kitten which I would name Constantinople Jones but nickname Poopy Head and you would tell me I'm pretty and funny and brilliant and your hero and that you want to have my babies at the first possible opportunity and that if anyone is ever mean to me again you will hold them down while I beat them up and then I will be happy and will never cry again and will email you pictures of the kitten eating the flowers you bought me and will share my chocolate. But I will not share my wine.
So. Let's pretend that we did all that. And then let's pretend we did it all again but all about you this time because I'm not selfish like that and also because I know that lots of people have it lots worse than me, but do you know how hard that is to remember sometimes? And then let's tell jokes. I'll go first.
Two nuns are riding their bicycles to church and are forced to take a detour through an old, little used street. "I've never come this way before," says the first nun. The other replies, "It's probably the cobblestones."