so the fish said...
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In which I whine and use some bad words, but not fuck. Oops.

Well, let's see. What's been going on?

The afternoon after I posted my last entry a bird shit on me. It seemed so appropriate, given the way things have been going for me lately and it was sort of like final evidence that the universe in general was shitting on me.

Gosh, bitter much?

But other than that things have been great. Well, no, ok. that was a total lie. But as much as I love you all and want to make out with many of you and am even actually formally betrothed to one of you, there are some things that ya'll just do not want to hear me whine about because they are so sad and pitiful that you would immediately sink into a great depression in sympathy for me and I just cannot have that on my conscience. Seriously, I am expecting to be made into a Lifetime Original Movie Event in the near future. Which is why I decided to take a break from this thing, which I intended to be longer, but dammit I miss you people. So then I was going to come back and just do a bunch of happy bullshit but I tried to write that and it sucked because it was, you know, bullshit.

So let's just say that if all the things going on lately were not too ridiculous and pitiful and frankly outrageous to discuss and if I did tell you all about it in great detail you would all feel very very sorry for poor little me and the rash of shit which I did not deserve but which I have been served anyway. And then you would all buy me chocolate and wine and flowers and a new kitten which I would name Constantinople Jones but nickname Poopy Head and you would tell me I'm pretty and funny and brilliant and your hero and that you want to have my babies at the first possible opportunity and that if anyone is ever mean to me again you will hold them down while I beat them up and then I will be happy and will never cry again and will email you pictures of the kitten eating the flowers you bought me and will share my chocolate. But I will not share my wine.

So. Let's pretend that we did all that. And then let's pretend we did it all again but all about you this time because I'm not selfish like that and also because I know that lots of people have it lots worse than me, but do you know how hard that is to remember sometimes? And then let's tell jokes. I'll go first.

Two nuns are riding their bicycles to church and are forced to take a detour through an old, little used street. "I've never come this way before," says the first nun. The other replies, "It's probably the cobblestones."

Comments (19)


A man walks into a bar.... "ouch"

Ok it was the only one I could think of right off the top of my head

I'm ssooooo happy you are back!And I missed you too (but I will still not make out with you :P)

I'd still buy you chocolates and wine and flowers and a new kitten, but you'd think I was a stalker which I'm not. Glad you're back!!!! Whining about stuff - not so bad.

Why are there so many Italians named TONY in New York?

Because when they left the old country, they stamped "TO NY" on their foreheads. Har, har, har.

I am totally stealing that name for my next kitten. Ha! Hope everything works out for you, sending happy thoughts your way!

Just dive face first into the pie and life shall be good. It shall be orgasmic and if not, you will have eaten some damn good pie anyway!!! Ok ok, I'll toss in some chocolate and some wine and some flowers, but then I will be expecting something in return and since you already want to make out with me, then its all good. Maybe...I think. Ok, I need a nap!

you are too funny, and i'm not talking about that rather disturbing little joke.

I would totally make out with you. (after I stalked you for awhile). You dazzeled me with all that dirty chocolate talk. ;)

What did the duck say to the prostitute?

Just put it on my bill, baby...

Welcome back -- bird shit, and all...

Okay, now I see...there must have been a break in the blog/internet/time continuum thingy.

It's great to have you back. (and to think, I was about to mail you one of my cats as a bribe)

You know I'd hold that mean mean person down for you while you pinch the back of their arms, right? That's the worst! Yeow-itch!!

A wise Chinese lady once told me that it is a sign of good luck if a bird poops on you. I mean think about it. How awesome is that bird's aim, really? The world is gianormous and your total surface area from the top is way smaller than gianormous. You're incredibly lucky to have found such a talented bird. I bet he hits only 1 out of every 100 people at least.

And your joke: A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and exclaims, "Wow! We have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper looks confused and says, "Really? You have a drink named Stanley?"

Things will get better.

Beth is back!! Shout it from the rooftops, but keep your mouth closed in case that bird comes back again.

And for the joke: What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef.


A lady walks into her doctors office screaming.
She yells, "Doctor, Doctor my breasts are hairy! What do I do?"

The doctor asks, "Well, how long does the hair grow?"

The lady replies, "From here to my penis, but that's a different story!"

Hey Beth?

I told ya my joke already.... And I hope you smiled.. :)

Great to have ya back!!



You had me at a bird shit on you. Seriously, the sympathy started there and continues.

Maybe if we make out with you, it will help?

Or thoughts of Clive?


I hope things get better.


Heeheeeee. Love the crazy nun joke.

Also, did I tell you that you were pretty and funny on Friday? Because I meant to.

Welcome Back! If you need to vent, I'm only an email away! Missed your fun tales...

And my joke...(and I can do this because I am blonde)

Two blondes walk into a building...
You think one of them would've seen it.

I totally can send you a kitten from Mississippi! My parents are trying to distribute completely precious weaned kittens who are white with dark ears and blue eyes - lovely!

Welcome back! I found you, you went away... and now you are back so I can continue my new love affair with your cute purple blog.

It'll get better -- it always does. ;)

Have I ever told you how pretty and funny and smart you are?
Its true, you are my hero and every time I eat chocolate I think of you and also Elvis! and I get all overwhelmed by my love for you and I proclaim LOUDLY Beth is my woman! And then I sing a little song and do a little dance.

Its true.

ROFL * sorry but starting out the post with a bird shit on you has got me in hysterics! I also completely understand what you are saying! I have been in your shoes! If I lived close I would stop in with the whine and chocolate and Poopy Head too! But I don't want to have your babies, mine are finally grown up! *grin*

Here is my joke: "Did you murder the victim?" asked the Prosecutor. "No, I did not!" answered the defendant. "Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?" the Prosecutor asked. "I certainly do...and they're a hell of a lot better than the penalty for murder!" the defendant answered.

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So the Fish Said...

Whoever you are, now I place my hand upon you, that you be my poem, I whisper with my lips close to your ear.

- Walt Whitman

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I want to get a pet duck and keep it in the bathtub.
I am addicted to chap stick and altoids.
I am freakishly flexible.

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Clive Owen

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