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Wanted: Pretend Celebrity Boyfriend

People, I'm here today to ask for your help. You see, now that John and I have broken up, I'm in need of a new Pretend Celebrity Boyfriend. This is a little difficult for me, because for years now I have thought that once John and I finally called it quits, Jude would be waiting in the wings to take over this important position. But sadly, Jude recently walked out on his pregnant wife and I just can't tolerate that kind of behavior in my Pretend Celebrity Boyfriend. I also briefly considered taking up with Orlando, but I've decided that he's too young, too mainstream, and that I really only like him dressed as an elf anyway.

And so, my friends, I am turning to you in my time of need. Will you please help me find a new Pretend Celebrity Boyfriend? I think it will be very easy if we all work together. I'll give you some guidelines, you will all submit nominations, I'll choose my new Pretend Celebrity Boyfriend from among your recommendations and he and I will have a dedicated, long term relationship right up until the day that his career or looks jump the shark.

The guidelines are simple. I tend to prefer that my Pretend Celebrity Boyfriend be a little older (before John, I spent many happy years with Sean until he developed that poofy red old man eye thing). Now that I'm a little older I'm willing to consider someone closer to my own age, but under no circumstances will I consider any Pretend Celebrity Boyfriend who is younger than 30. I like someone prominent, but no megastars because I refuse to share my Pretend Celebrity Boyfriend with every girl in town. I'm pretty open-minded as far as looks go, provided he is either devastatingly attractive or knicker-twistingly sexy. (Truth be told though, I've always had a soft spot for blonds.)

That's it. Now I need your help. Please don't let me down people, I'm counting on you to get me through this difficult time!

Comments (37)

Hmm... Ewan McGregor? He was hot as a Jedi AND in Moulin Rouge.

I mean, Ben Affleck, Kevin Spacey, and Tom Cruise are all out, becuase they're puffy and weird and icky. Why must they all get puffy and weird and icky?

I'm a big fan of Ed Norton. You have to love a guy who does a movie like "Death to Smootchy" which by the way is a hysterical movie. He's a great actor and a nice piece of eye candy. Good luck in your courting of a new Pretend Celebrity Boyfriend.

I've loved Brendan Fraser since his role in With Honors. I know he's done some stupid stuff since then, but mostly he's just eye candy anyway, so who gives a crap about his brains?

two words


johnny

depp

My two nominations are John Cusack and I second the nomination for Ewan McGregor. Also very yummy in Down With Love.

DUH! Johnny Depp! How could I have forgotten?

Also, John Cusak. He's a little puffy, but on him? It's cute.

Matthew McConaughey.
Hot.
Frailty was an awesome movie.
Playing the bongos naked.
He is hot and blonde amd 34.
And you don't have to share him, I just let him know that I gave him to you.

Oh, I forgot about Matthew, he's hot and he likes to play the bongos naked at night. I was going to go with Owen Wilson, I think he's real yummy.

Here are mine (I have several) and I dont mind sharing.

Adam Brody (from the O.C.)
Peter Gallagher
Ryan Phillipe
Adam Levine (Maroon 5)
Jeff Probst
Adam Brody (did I mention him already?)
Carter Oosterhouse (Trading Spaces)
Andrew DanJumbo (While You Were Out)
Eric Stromer (Clean Sweep) - Can you tell I have a thing for Carpenters?

And last, but not least:
Adam Brody.

I have a soft spot for Tim Robbins, myself. Also Kevin Bacon (who is vastly improving with age).

I'd like to nominate Carson Kressley from Queer Eye. He's blond, over 30, and you will always be swimming in delicious couture and fabulous style. Plus? He's funnier than shit.

What about Andrew McCarthy? You might like him.... Who could forget him in the ever popular, 'Weekend at Bernie's'? :-)

My newest fake celebrity boyfriend is Colin Farrell. I think it is hysterical that he can't get through even one sentence without swearing.

Johnny Depp is also an excellent choice. I happened to watch two Johhny Depp movies last week, so I know this is true.

And Orlando is a cutie (particularly when he's an elf), but you're right, he's a little young.

John Cusack. He is actually my Pretend Husband, but I will share him with you. Desperate times call for desperate measures!
also? Clive Owen. Yeah, baby! He is very cute, and there might be a little less traffic over him.
your letter to John M. was hilarious.

Um, so I love Johnny Depp, but I always feel weird taking a man away from his family. Especially when he's that much older than me (no, really, he is).

I vote for Eddie Izzard. He's straight, he understands makeup, he's ridiculously intelligent, and he can speak fluent French. And yet is geeky enough to tell Risk and Dr. Who jokes.

John Cusack gets my vote or maybe, if you're not looking at just actors, Jon Bon Jovi or Richie Sambora...they only get better with age (and since it's pretend it doesn't matter that they're married)

I second the nomination of Clive Owen - I was converted to Owenism after the BMW movies. Mmm, those eyes... Mmmm, that accent... So the teeth are a little rough, but eh, he's British, so it's allowed.

I'd also like to nominate Ralph Fiennes. Sure, he may have played a convincing Nazi, but he's also played many very convincing romantic leads. Plus, if you were his girlfriend, you'd get to meet his fabulous and amazing family. He has boatloads of siblings, all of whom are pretty dang talented, thanks to their author/painter Mother, Jennifer Lash. Listen to Ralph talk about his Mommy and his family, and all of a sudden, the Nazi facade melts away and he's all cute and stuff again.

You guys, stop fighting over my brother.

Good for nothing S.O.B taking the spotlight again. I was MALLORY for CRYING OUT LOUD.

OH, for FUCK'S SAKE!! I am sick and Goddamn tired of having to settle this with you bitches. Bateman is mine, mine and more MINE. Amalah? Zoot? Step the hell off.

Matthew McConaughey is taken, kids. I'm making him wear his Wooderson outfit and take me out to the Moon Tower on Friday night. So back off.

Beth, I hear Ryan O'Neal is single again. And he's not nearly as puffy as he used to be.

Ladies, please. I'm sure we can settle this amicably. Or at least you could sort out your pretend celebrity boyfriend issues somewhere else and we can get back to talking about me. Besides, I don't even want Jason anymore. Been there, done that, and all he ever wanted to do was sit around and tell me how pretty I was which really? Got a little old.

Very true, Beth. Might I suggest Daniel Craig for you, then? He's hot, British, not that well known so less paparazzi, and also blond. And hot.

Jerry O'Connell has been looking pretty good lately....

Jon Seda is H O T.

Am agreeing with Johnny Depp and Ewen McGregor too.

as a first time poster, may i just say that i have thoroughly enjoyed your blog!

but onto the topic at hand...
my nominations would be Ed Harris or Gary Oldman or Andy Garcia (though his puffiness in recent years has been a little off-putting to me personally).

Wow.. there's a bunch of craziness going on up in here. :P I vote for Ryan Seacreast! Haha.

Matthew McConaughey is so mine. No way can anyone here claim him. As Aerosmith put it: "Dream on."

Michael Vartan.

Half French, speaks French fluently and is hot. And just broke up with Jennifer Garner.

But I'm already planning on marrying him. Just need to let him know this.

Otherwise, Christian Bale. But he's already married, damn him.

This is NOT a suggestion for you, but mine is Gale Harold. You? CANNOT have him. He's mine!

But you can have Charlie Hunnam or James Franco, who I think are hot!

Eric Bana or Brad Pit or Heath Ledger (possibly a little young there)

Man, I thought Judith Light herself was actually posting here, and I was about to have half a heart attack.

Anyway, I'm very sorry to tell you all that Matt Damon is officially out of contention. He told me so in the sexxxay dream I had with him last night. Ben was there, too, but only in a supporting role.

you just keep your damn hands off Anthony Michael Hall. I will KICK YOUR ASS if you even look at him!

who would have thought that the geek in 16 candles could grow up to be the UTTER AND COMPLETE HOTTNESS that is on The Dead Zone today. Wow.

He makes my teeth sweat.

only one Pretend Celebrity Boyfriend? My god. I'm a slut among the PCBs. Here's who I'm dating (well, at least the ones over 30 that I can think of at this moment):

Keanu Reeves (but he's off limits)
David Grohl
David Boreanaz
James Marsters
Johnny Depp
Michael Vartan
Eddie Cibrian
Peter Krause

Ben Stiller?
Barry Williams? (Okay, not so celebrity, but he was cute way back when.)
Definitely have to agree with all of the Johnny Depp nominations.
Oh, and Owen Wilson.
Hugh Grant? (A little slimy, but great accent)

I'd pick John Cusack

He's cute, a reasonable age and he works steady but is not a mega star.

Other options:
Ewan McGregor has the winning smile and Colin Firth can be haughty but sexy

Ok, I'm not going to give you any of the above standard answers. You need someone hot and the hottest I can come up with is Tim McGraw!

Now having said that, remaining single and dating ALL the hot guys and telling us about your romantic/steamy dates could prove be quite interesting! Yes dear, the single life does have it's advantages!!! =]

you can share Paul Bettany (ohhh click it, foxy foxy) with me, since i also have a real life pretend boyfriend and can't dedicate as much pretend time to him as he deserves.

Also, that dude from Scrubs. The main character one.

But I fear he is not 30. Damn. Why you gotta be all picky and shit?

How bout!! How bout the new and improved (and a little aged) Sean Penn.
Yummy and fiesty.
PLus he punches all those pesky photographers.

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