People, I'm here today to ask for your help. You see, now that John and I have broken up, I'm in need of a new Pretend Celebrity Boyfriend. This is a little difficult for me, because for years now I have thought that once John and I finally called it quits, Jude would be waiting in the wings to take over this important position. But sadly, Jude recently walked out on his pregnant wife and I just can't tolerate that kind of behavior in my Pretend Celebrity Boyfriend. I also briefly considered taking up with Orlando, but I've decided that he's too young, too mainstream, and that I really only like him dressed as an elf anyway.
And so, my friends, I am turning to you in my time of need. Will you please help me find a new Pretend Celebrity Boyfriend? I think it will be very easy if we all work together. I'll give you some guidelines, you will all submit nominations, I'll choose my new Pretend Celebrity Boyfriend from among your recommendations and he and I will have a dedicated, long term relationship right up until the day that his career or looks jump the shark.
The guidelines are simple. I tend to prefer that my Pretend Celebrity Boyfriend be a little older (before John, I spent many happy years with Sean until he developed that poofy red old man eye thing). Now that I'm a little older I'm willing to consider someone closer to my own age, but under no circumstances will I consider any Pretend Celebrity Boyfriend who is younger than 30. I like someone prominent, but no megastars because I refuse to share my Pretend Celebrity Boyfriend with every girl in town. I'm pretty open-minded as far as looks go, provided he is either devastatingly attractive or knicker-twistingly sexy. (Truth be told though, I've always had a soft spot for blonds.)
That's it. Now I need your help. Please don't let me down people, I'm counting on you to get me through this difficult time!