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This weekend, I will be embarking on a dangerous and daring quest. It is the same quest I undertake every year at about this time, but it never gets any easier. This weekend, I will be braving the malls in search of the perfect pair of jeans. Among the many challenges facing me will be my stumpy little legs. Normal pants are usually 5 inches too long, but petites tend to hit me attractively right above the ankle bone. (I have finally mostly gotten over wishing I had boobs, but I am still pretty bitter about the stumpy legs. Do you think I can get silicone leg implants?) My next adventure will be confronting my stunningly long torso. Low rise pants on me leave nothing whatsoever to the imagination and make my stomach look 14 yards long. Pants that reach my actual waist make me look like I forgot to properly secure my butt and it has slipped about 6 inches lower than it should be. I do have a small waist and a relatively flat stomach, which would be excellent if not for the fact that it serves to emphasize the amount of junk in my trunk. Yes, friends, baby got back, and a motor in the back of her Honda (unlike Fonda), and I can't believe I'm quoting Sir Mix-A-Lot but it just seemed so appropriate. I have to buy pants two sizes larger than I buy dresses just to accommodate my over-abundance of booty, which usually results in a waistband so loose that I could smuggle a small rhinoceros in the front of my pants. If I do finally find a pair of jeans that fits, I will have to confront my color demons. You see, I grew up at a time when acid washed denim was the epitome of hotness (along with ten button shirts and wearing your sweaters inside out) and I have never quite recovered. I cannot ever for the life of me figure out what color jeans I am supposed to be wearing to look like one of the cool kids instead of the 7th grade class dork. (Yes, I was, you wanna make something of it?) So if any of you are in the Northern Virginia area this weekend and hear a woman in a dressing room quietly sobbing and verbally abusing her ass, would you please help me out by throwing me a color swatch so that at least my ill-fitting pants will be an appropriate color? Or else, you could just buy me a cookie.

Comments (36)

i went shopping for jeans and pants last weekend. I hate this process as well, but for different reason. The length of my legs and torse are perfectly fine and proportionate. My thighs and butt, however, are much larger than my waist. So most of the time, anything that fits over my thighs and butt leaves me with a waist that could fit another person. Anything that fits my waist is obscenely tight everywhere else. luckily old navy and lerner new york understand the importance of stretch material.

Just bought a new pair of jeans myself. Nightmare that it is. Your legs must not be all that short since I'm walking on the bottom of my old navy "short" pants. Stretch fabric is a godsend. I have the opposite problem. No butt, no waist (as in same width as hips). Let me ask, could I have a little of the junk in your trunk? It might even out my top heavy status. I'll share my boobs if you share your back. (BTW, big boobs suck. They sag and look odd on short people.)

You can't go wrong with dark jeans.

Also, stretchy jeans are your friend - they will help with that whole "junk in the trunk" thang.

And how can you have stumpy legs? You are so tall! And thin! The legs do not look stumpy to the casual observer, if that makes you feel any better.

while i can't relate to your long torso 'problem' (i hate you) i CAN relate to your booty issue. i am relatively slim everywhere else, but always have to worry about that damn gap thing at my waist. seeing as i have a short waist, i can get away with the low rise jeans, which actually fit me much better and help de-emphasize my bootay.

the only advice i can give you is:
-get jeans with large pockets that get wider at the top. this helps give an illuuuuusion of smaller booty
-regarding color, almost anything is in now except for super-light. i prefer darker, worn-in washes. but nothing with TOO much of a built-in worn look, like tons of lighter stripes around the crotchal and leg region. a LITTLE faded is better.

have fun! and don't cry. :(

I have stubby legs too!!! And a long torso...but "luckily for me" I have a belly that matches my fat ass :)

Love your stories!

PS: Go with darker. And boot cut

I prefer darker, boot cut jeans as well. I'm liking DKNY on me, but my body type is different than yours so that probably doesn't help. I'm happy to buy you a cookie though.

The only place to go for jeans in the area where we live is most decidedly Nordstrom. They aren't as expensive as you might think (mine cost $50 and have lasted over a year), and their goal is to fit anyone properly in anything. I even had a lady offer to alter my jeans once for free because I have the same "problem" as Laura - I'm most decidedly an hourglass which means none of my jeans that fit my hips will fit my waist. Thankfully no alteration was needed because Nordies found me a pair of Calvin Kleins that are just *slight* low rise that hit me just when my hips start to curve out. So it all worked out in the end (pardon the pun.)

If you're trying to hide your butt, I'd really advise against stretch material. It will start to stretch without holding its shape after a few times through the washer, and it can create funny little ripples in the fabric after a while. If you're going to invest in jeans, you want them to last so you don't have to go back through this horror in four to six months.

What you need is lightweight denim (it will curve around you like stretch, but won't lose its shape), boot cut, with a slight lowrise waist (that way it's in between the typical lowness of lowrise and the traditional waisted pant).

As for the length issue, seriously, go to Nordstroms. If you buy the jeans there, they should alter them for you either for free or for no more than $15. They can chop off the pant legs at just the right length and then you won't have to go stepping on your pants anymore. And remember, if you need help with the sobbing and getting cookies, I'm here. :)

If I hear a woman verbally abusing her ass I'l l certain that I don't say "Is that a rhinocerous in your pants or are you just glad to see me?"

Ugh! I need to do this too. I have been looking online at Lucky Brand jeans, because they look so cute on my friend, but they are mucho dinero. I don't mind spending $90 on jeans if they fit really well. But I have the exact same problem you have. Wide hips/butt, small waist. I don't consider my legs short, but apparently jeans makers do.

Good luck. I'll be doing the same thing here in Texas.

I hate shopping for clothes. Hate it. Never liked it even when I had a decent body.

Good luck.

I have the same problem with the butt to waist ratio. Try Eddie Bauer.

I can't relate to the stubby leg issue though. My problem is cottage cheese thunder thighs -- which is oodles worse than stubby legs, believe me! :o)

I have the same booty problem. Levis at Sears have been my best bet. Stretch material in a dark blue. Have two pairs, love them!

All right...since I just got back from my own little quest for jeans I will let you know the kind I bought.....I also have a faily slim waist, with lots of junk in my trunk and legs that stopped growing at about the age of 10 and refused to go any farther....GAP bootcut strech jeans....regular length (I hate the way short jeans look like they are designed for high water also)...the waist falls just below your natural waist(leaving something to the imagination but not making you an automatic member of the jeans around the boobline club)...and even though thay are made strechy they are not clingy (thus you will not need the ankel socks and heels to complete the look...and they are on sale

I won't be in the area but if you buy yourself a cookie you can send me the bill and I will repay you! :-)

I've almost given up in my quest for perfect jeans. I commend you for your efforts. I bought some at Ann Taylor a couple of weeks ago. Don't really like the way they fit, but was pleased that they were only $30. I have the thigh problem. Anything that fits my thighs is at least one size too big in the waist. Good Luck - let us know how it turns out.

omg, i so exactly know what you are going through! I got buns too, to the point that JLO is rumored to be absolutely jealous that a white girl can out booty her. The only difference with me is, that I have long legs. You can have them. Between my long waist and my extremely long legs, I look too long! I actually had a guy tell me once I had the best legs ever, then followed it with "Can I just take one home and make a mold for my wife?"
Was that actually disguised as a compliment in a sick way???

Most of my pants tend to be too short, as I am too tall. Also, according to my younger sisters, I have no ass. Want to share?

Oh, yeah! Dark, boot-cut, stretchy jeans are the BEST for little chicks with back! Makes ya' look sex-AY! And, now that song is totally stuck in my head... thanks!
Levi's and Old Navy are both pretty good for catering to the short girls, with decent styles to offer...

You sound like J Lo as I understand the young people call her. Stop it with the flat stomach, it's only depressing the rest of us. I understand that the aforementioned J Lo has a clothing line. Any interest?

My generation had elephant bells. Ever hear of those? And you weren't cool unless the bottom of your jeans were shredded to pieces from walking on them.

My but you're a brave soul. A cookie I can help you with, but jeans? You're on your own.

Wow, you mention a clothing crisis and they all come a' runnin ! It is because we all have this problem. Clothes designed for Gisele Bunchin will never ever look nice on normal folks like us. Why is that all that they sell?! I'm sure I spelled her name incorrectly but she deserves it.

Good Luck! I'll be rooting for you! (hehe)

wow...i'm glad i came back here. i really thought i was alone in my waist/butt ratio issue. this makes me feel so much better :)

You made me laugh so hard with this one that I snorted just as my boss walked in! I'd be embarrassed if I could stop laughing long enough.

I have the same problem. Petite sized pants are a bit too short in the leg and they sit way to high, almost belly button region. My behind is a size 6 while the rest of me is a 2. I hate shopping at the mall because the stores I like is the same store that 16 year old girls like. And because they haven't grown hips or a butt yet, those size 2's I should be wearing actually fit them. I usually end up leaving the store in tears. Really. I hate shopping.

Ugh. Sympathies. Shopping for jeans is the worst. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy...well MAYBE I would...

Dark denim. I don't care what's in, I prefer dark. Then you can wear them during the day - and they're dressy enough for night, as well.

Boot cut, always. Straight-legged looks tapered once on, unless you are of that sort who is obnoxiously tall and skinny like a damn gazelle. I am not. Thus the boot cut.

I prefer jeans with a touch of stretch - they seem to fit better. As I am not a jeans wearer, I have one pair of jeans I resort to when wearing black pants is *too inappropriate. They're AGs, and they're great. Fit like a dream.

And as for loose waistbands - you can take them to a tailor and they will take it in for you so that they will fit. I have a friend who has to have this done and it works well for her

Hi. I just found an online place - Denim Express that I don't know if it will help, but they have dimensions and such listed and you don't pay taxes or shipping (if the order is over $50). I hadn't been able to find my favorites to fit me in the stores (levi's stretch denim - straight leg low riders), they didn't carry my size and I wasn't sure they even made them in my size so I was out surfing to find out when I found the website. I ordered and had them a couple of days later.

This particular style of Levi's I have to wear in "short" - I guess that's their petite, BUT it is still a 30" inseam, which is longer than most petite and not above the ankle at all. So they fit great and I'm not stepping on them. FYI. They have MANY styles and lower prices than the stores.

Nice to "meet" you. Empress sent me. :)

I'd like to be rich enough to hire someone to come over and take specific measurements, and design me some custom jeans, while I sip lemonade.

Cool, I have a new goal now.

Good luck.

I like Levi's, but I have to buy the stretch ones. I was just reading that Lucky brand jeans are good for short people like me, but I also have a short waist and I can't remember if that was a consideration or not. Good luck on your search!

wow! you are getting so much advice - I'll just chime in and say 'hear hear' on the dark jeans. I think they look especially good in winter.

Geez, it seems everyone hates shopping for jeans, huh? There should be a store in Georgetown...I think it's a Levi's store, but it could be Lee. When I was last there, they would do the measurement for the custom jeans there for you. Easier than doing it through the web. Of course, that's been a few years, but you might want to give them a call and check it out.

Otherwise, Apple Bottoms brand might be a good choice. Yes, hate to patronize anything that has anything to do with Nelly, but I've heard they're pretty great. Me, I have a pancake flat I have other problems.

Best of luck at the mall. I hope you find just the perfect jeans, and if you do, for pete's sake buy more than one pair!

I hate malls.

I'm in Northern Virginia. If I go to any mall, I will come armed with cookies. You know, just in case!

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