This weekend, I will be embarking on a dangerous and daring quest. It is the same quest I undertake every year at about this time, but it never gets any easier. This weekend, I will be braving the malls in search of the perfect pair of jeans. Among the many challenges facing me will be my stumpy little legs. Normal pants are usually 5 inches too long, but petites tend to hit me attractively right above the ankle bone. (I have finally mostly gotten over wishing I had boobs, but I am still pretty bitter about the stumpy legs. Do you think I can get silicone leg implants?) My next adventure will be confronting my stunningly long torso. Low rise pants on me leave nothing whatsoever to the imagination and make my stomach look 14 yards long. Pants that reach my actual waist make me look like I forgot to properly secure my butt and it has slipped about 6 inches lower than it should be. I do have a small waist and a relatively flat stomach, which would be excellent if not for the fact that it serves to emphasize the amount of junk in my trunk. Yes, friends, baby got back, and a motor in the back of her Honda (unlike Fonda), and I can't believe I'm quoting Sir Mix-A-Lot but it just seemed so appropriate. I have to buy pants two sizes larger than I buy dresses just to accommodate my over-abundance of booty, which usually results in a waistband so loose that I could smuggle a small rhinoceros in the front of my pants. If I do finally find a pair of jeans that fits, I will have to confront my color demons. You see, I grew up at a time when acid washed denim was the epitome of hotness (along with ten button shirts and wearing your sweaters inside out) and I have never quite recovered. I cannot ever for the life of me figure out what color jeans I am supposed to be wearing to look like one of the cool kids instead of the 7th grade class dork. (Yes, I was, you wanna make something of it?) So if any of you are in the Northern Virginia area this weekend and hear a woman in a dressing room quietly sobbing and verbally abusing her ass, would you please help me out by throwing me a color swatch so that at least my ill-fitting pants will be an appropriate color? Or else, you could just buy me a cookie.