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Go read something else today. No, really.

I will warn you right now that this is really long and boring and I will still love you even if you skip it and go get a cookie instead. Especially if you bring back a cookie for me.

When I found out I was pregnant and we decided not to tell anybody, I started keeping a pregnancy journal. As it has been every time I have attempted to keep a journal, it was a really half-assed effort. Since I think my blog is going to wind up being my pregnancy journal, I wanted to add the first couple weeks so that if my child ever reads this they will have a full picture of just how crazy Mommy really is. So, in the interest of historical accuracy, I hereby present "Beth Gets Pregnant - Days 1 through 50," also known as "Boring, Tedious and Badly Written." You've been warned.

Now, where's my cookie?

Day 1: We find out I'm pregnant. Our immediate reaction is, "oh fuck." For people who were trying to get pregnant, we were awfully surprised by getting pregnant.

Day 2: I take another pregnancy test. Ok, I take three more pregnancy tests. Still knocked up. Chris spends 20 minutes on the computer. I decide this means he doesn't love me anymore and doesn't want a baby. I yell at Chris for a while and then storm out of the house to console myself with a pumpkin spice latte. I'm sure this has nothing to do with hormones. Chris has no idea what hit him, but decides to prove his dedication by buying the strangest baby naming book ever printed, which is sure to provide hours of entertainment.

Day 3: Chris starts nagging me about eating enough protein and suggests maybe I should just go ahead and start eating hamburgers. Chris also asks me when babies start eating meat. He is concerned that our unborn child will be protein-deprived at 6 months of age. I decide this means that Chris loves me after all and does want a baby. Once again, I'm sure this has nothing to do with hormones. Big achievement of the day is I only burst into tears once (during movie previews, of course).

Day 4: My first doctor's appointment. They confirm I'm still knocked up. I ask the doctor whether I have to drink milk and also when babies start eating meat. I forget all of my other actually relevant questions such as whether I should get a flu shot and whether I can keep using my super magical anti-zit potions and when my due date might be. I vow to make a list for next time. I also find out that I am 4-5 weeks pregnant because apparently they begin counting from the third time you brush your teeth after the second time you call your mother after the previous full moon or something like that. They draw blood for my first beta and I am only slightly mangled and abused in the process, which is a huge improvement from the last time. Chris experiences his first sympathy pregnancy symptom - gas. Did you guys know about the gas? Why didn't anybody tell me about the gas?

Day 5: My beta was 1145. I have no idea what that means. I asked the internet but it was no help. I have to pee every 7 minutes, but I have yet to puke so I think I'm ahead of the game. I am devoting most of my energy to not telling every single person I talk to and random people on the street and the entire internet that I am pregnant. This is a very hard secret to keep. Chris is still on his protein kick and feeding me nothing but beans and cheese.

Day 6: I slept nine and a half hours last night and I'm still tired. Not too bad though, so I'm trying not to complain. I actually feel pretty great and have almost no symptoms, which makes me happy and also worried. I am especially depressed that my boobs are still their normal size. What's the use of being pregnant if I don't get knockers? Had blood drawn for my second beta, no spurting blood fountain this time, which was nice. Was standing talking to a woman I work with who's doctor told her this morning she could go into labor at any time. Her manager walked by and pointed out that we were dressed alike and then said to me, "that's you in three years." It took all my willpower to not retort, "nope, that's me in eight months."

Day 7: Not even 9:00 and I've already cried twice. And I had been doing so well. The first time was in the car on my way to work listening to Sylvia Plath's daughter read one of her mother's poems. The second time was reading that Julie from A Little Pregnant had gotten to hold her new (and premature) baby for the first time. I have non-stop meetings all day so hoping I can turn off the waterworks and get through them. My second beta was 3061, which is apparently good. Too good, really. It is supposed to double every 48 hours and mine almost tripled in less than that. Am starting to think I may be having twins, god help me. I am totally fed up with work because all I want to do is sit around and be pregnant. Is it bad that I'm looking forward to maternity leave so I won't have to come to work?

Day 10: Chris's birthday. His last birthday before fatherhood. No pressure or anything. I had to take a nap due to the ever increasing exhaustion and zombiness. I felt bad sleeping through Chris's birthday, but it gave him time to play with his iPod guilt free. We had a family dinner - our first parental experience since finding out I was all knocked up. We still aren't telling, which is tough. We made up a big long story to explain why I'm not drinking, but nobody asked. Either they are all too polite to pry (unlikely) or they suspect the reason. I got in big trouble with Chris for changing the litter boxes. I changed them before he got up so he wouldn't have to do it on his birthday and I wore rubber gloves and washed my hands for about 30 minutes afterwards. However, I forgot to tell Chris I had done it so he did it again after dinner. Whoops.

Day 11: We decorated for Baby's First In-Utero Christmas. Mostly, this involved things that I could not touch like the lights which had a warning about lead exposure and things that Chris would not allow me to lift, like empty boxes. Chris has started not wanting me to lift anything heavier than a pencil, which is very sweet but also a little annoying. I keep telling him not to burn himself out on the taking care of me thing, because I am going to be very fat and grumpy and need the help in a few months. I'm six weeks or so at this point, which according to my handy-dandy "Here Are All the Terrible Things that Happen While You Are Pregnant" book means that I have about another 7 weeks of bone-numbing exhaustion to get through. It also means that I am about a week away from becoming a good candidate for morning sickness. I will consider myself very lucky if I stick with the sleeping and skip the puking. It is starting to seem real to me - that the reason I am so tired and my boobs hurt so much is that I have an actual 3 centimeter long parasite baby in my belly, and all that baby wants to do is sleep.

Day 12: Is it really only Day 12? It seems like I have been pregnant for three months. People keep touching me today. I think it may be that whole pregnant chick glow thing that is making me so attractive that they just can't help themselves. Either that, or they are trying to protect me from falling on my face when I fall asleep on my feet.

Day 13: Last night I had a very long and involved dream where I needed to pee but I couldn't. I finally realized that maybe I ought to wake myself up and actually go pee. I guess this is what happens when the constant need to pee meets the constant need to sleep. I don't really understand what's up with the peeing - the baby is the size of an appleseed and can't possibly be pressing on my bladder yet. Little troublemaker. My boobs are still sore but not noticeably bigger. Bitches.

Day 14: I know I shouldn't have done it, but it was a really slow morning at work and to kill time I got on Amazon and started a wishlist with baby stuff. I'm trying hard to be cautious and realistic, but time is passing so slowly it's driving me nuts. I am determined to enjoy being pregnant as much as I can, since I plan to only do it twice or so, so I am trying not to complain too much. The only problem is that I am a zombie. I can sleep 10 hours and wake up exhausted. I can't lean back in my chair at work or I will fall asleep. Bah.

Day 16: Chris picked up the cat to put her on the bed tonight and slammed her head into the footboard. I think this is an excellent indication that we are ready to be parents since everyone tells stories about dropping their kid or tripping over it or slamming its head into a brick wall. I guess this is why babies are born with soft heads and helmets. Babies are born with helmets, right?

Day 17: New wrinkle in the continuing I Am Too Tried To Function saga. I am now waking up 3 to 4 hours after going to sleep and am completely unable to fall back asleep. Still not out and out morning sickness, but I am becoming more and more queasy first thing in the morning. Now believe me, I'll take queasy over puking my guts out any day of the week, but add it to the exhaustion and the sinus problems and the killer headaches and I have definitely had more fun.

Day 19: Went to the doctor today and was assured that being exhausted is a good sign. Confirmed that I am about 7 weeks with a due date of 7/31. Also, I saw the baby. I didn't know I was going to see the baby, but since I have always had completely irregular cycles the doc did a sonogram to confirm how far along I am. The baby looks like a lima bean that somebody chewed on for a minute and then changed their mind about. Therefore, we have dubbed the baby Lima Bean until further notice. Lima Bean has a heartbeat which looked like a flashing cursor and a yolk sac which appeared to be sunny side up. Lima Bean is still too small to show up on a normal ultrasound, so the doc did a vaginal ultrasound. She was trying to reassure me about the ultrasound wand. I finally had to say "Honey, I had an HSG, remember? Your little wand doesn't scare me." I have the picture of baby Lima Bean on the fridge. It makes me cry a little to see it.

Day 22: Had to leave work early today due to exhaustion and feeling like I was going to toss my cookies all over my laptop.

Day 30: I made an offhanded comment last night about needing a Christmas tree ornament for Fetus's First Christmas, and Chris made me one and put it in my stocking. It says Lima Bean's First Christmas and includes a fairly accurate rendering of a lima bean/our baby. I cried when I saw it, but I'm pregnant so it doesn't take much to make me cry.

Day 33: So clearly I'm slacking on this whole pregnancy diary thing. A recent highlight was having to buy new bras because my old bras no longer fit. The downside is that I have spent a lot of time slamming my poor, sore boobs into things because they suddenly stick out further than usual and I haven't adjusted to my reduced clearance. Things on the name front are not progressing very well. For girls, I have ruled out the early front-runner, Emma, since every other girl born on the last 5 years is named Emma. Our Emma replacement was Amelia, which I have since ruled out because I am scared people will call her Amy. Chris ruled out Ava because of Eva Braun and Ava Gabor. Chris also will not even consider naming the baby after my grandmother, but I have to side with him on that since her name was Pearl. All we have left at the moment are Fallopia and Lur-lene. For boys, we talked briefly about naming a boy after my uncle Buck, who's real name was Eustis. I think Buck Eustis has a nice ring to it, but Chris pointed out that we are not from either Georgia or Mississippi so both of those names are probably prohibited by law. At this rate, we may end up with Lima Bean Bupkis on the birth certificate. Thank goodness we have another seven months. I've accepted ginger ale as my personal savior to combat the low-grade queasiness. I have only gained one pound, but am quickly running out of pants that fit thanks to my amazing new stomach poochiness.

Day 34: I got new boots today. I hate them. In honor of being pregnant and about to be really incredibly fat, I passed up my usual stilettos and got boots with very low, very wide heels. They are the ugliest things I have ever had on my feet.

Day 36: Missed New Year's Eve thanks to the Lima Bean, who insisted that I go to bed at 10:00. Chris very sweetly came and kissed me at midnight anyway. We bought fake champagne for the celebration, which I fell asleep without drinking, and also fake wine for dinner, which tasted like ass. My New Year's Resolution is to get very fat.

Day 39: Learned from the internets today that my pants no longer fit thanks to bloating, not because of any actual baby intervention which won't happen for a few weeks yet. I have been having random stomach pains for the last three days, which I am sure is gas but which are causing me to freak out. I keep telling myself this is normal and nothing to worry about as long as there isn't any bleeding and that even if it is something to worry about there probably isn't anything to do about it at this stage anyway so I may as well suck it up. I expect this tough attitude will last another 20 minutes or so at which point I will call my doctor and burst into hysterical tears. Four weeks seems like an awfully long time to go between appointments. I would much prefer to have a sonogram every day, just to set my mind at ease. It's going to be a long 9 months.

Day 40: I am going to have to give up yoga as my balance is all shot to hell, evidently due to hormones and other random chemicals coursing through my bloodstream. I have realized that pregnancy and childbirth is going to be one minor indignity after another so I may as well embrace it and at least be happy that I have not yet experienced the indignity of vomiting in public.

Day 41: I am gaining weight like it's going out of style. My stomach is too big for my pants so I have them unbuttoned and am just praying nobody notices. I really want to go get a cookie, but think that is a silly thing to do when I already can't button my pants. I guess it is time to resign myself to getting fatter.

Day 42: Thank god for drawstring pants.

Day 43: I had to give up my super-amazing anti-zit cream when I got pregnant. I was just thinking the other day how strange and lucky I was that I had not gotten any zits. Ha! Call me pizza face.

Day 46: I somehow convinced myself that I was having a miscarriage on the treadmill and ran hysterically for the bathroom to find nothing at all. I'm sure everyone else at the gym thinks I have the runs or something but who cares. I have an appointment tomorrow and should be hearing the heartbeat, so I hope that will put my mind at ease a bit, at least until I think of something else to worry about.

Day 47: We heard the baby's heartbeat, it was between 169 and 172 beats per minute. The doctor said that boys usually have a lower heartrate and girls usually have a higher heartrate, so either it's a boy who was doing aerobics or a girl who was just hanging out. We'll see, we'll have the sonogram in a few weeks but still haven't decided whether we want to know the sex. Chris went with me for his first-ever trip to the gynecologist. He took a breast self exam card and made horse jokes about the stirrups. I was worried he would freak out or faint during the exam, but the exam wasn't much - I even got to keep all my clothes on. I feel better knowing that everything looks good so far, but now am even more freaked out that there is something living inside me and it has its very own heartbeat.

Day 50: We are going public tomorrow - telling our parents and my brother. It's about damned time as it is becoming nearly impossible to keep this secret. We are having everyone to dinner, but haven't decided yet how we are going to tell them. I keep thinking we should have something big and creative, but we will probably end up just blurting it out. Then comes the big challenge - telling the Internets.

Comments (33)

I read the whole thing. It kind of reminds me of when I was pregnant. But I never told anyone for 5 months! I didn't show early (obviously)
Enjoy - I loved being pregnant. And I love being a mom

Well... I read it all. Thanks, I'm needing smiles today, and this helped.

I read it all too. I'm at that age where I want to be a mother, but not in the right circumstances yet (dating, not married). It's great to hear how excited you are about becoming a mother. I have 5 nieces and nephews and another one on the way, and I love being an aunty, and being there to see them grow and change...until I have some of my own, being an aunt is the next best thing. Looking forward to more of your updates.

Very cute stuff, thanks, Beth! Somehow it makes me better appreciate horrific cramps - one day it'll be worth it. I'm starting to get baby fever pretty bad myself, but like Milly, I'm in no situation to have one of my own. Just the other day I was out shopping when I saw the cutest baby on the planet. I couldn't help it, I just started giggling like mad and I couldn't stop. No turning back for me now, I've got it bad. :)

But Beth? Now you can totally shop in the pregnant lady aisle at the grocery store! It's where all the hostess products are ;)
Maybe I will start shopping there too, out of sympathy and whatnot...

How cute! I have two girls but I've had a boy name picked out since before I ever got pregnant. Evan Tyler. I love that name. However I have tied the tubes so I will never get to use it.

I had a girl name (Ashley Renee) picked out for my oldest daughter very early on...but then when I held her for the first time I decided that she didn't look like an Ashley so I named her Amie Nicole.

Good luck picking names!

Also I think it's very cute that Chris is doting on you this way. Enjoy it!

Beth, I think it's wonderful that you are keeping a pregnancy journal and that you are sharing it with us!

S & I wrote letters to our baby while I was pregnant and had the grandmother's and her big sister write her something on her birthday. It is a beautiful keepsake.

How sweet and lovely is this? I am touched by your words and your honesty.

As far as names go, my uncle named my son Stanley when he was in utero and honest and truly, I considered giving him the middle name of Stanley because I was so attached to it when he was born. Tyler Stanley just didn't have the best ring to it.

You can post things like this all the time if you'd like!

Awww!

BTW, throw "What to Expect" out the window. Tis evil.

Since my biological clock is starting to kick in (why, I do NOT know, but it needs to stop), I shall just live vicariously through your pregnancy, as I have far better things to do than get knocked up right now.

Also, Yay Lima Bean! Hee. When do we get to see Lima pictures?

This is wonderful! Do it now while you still can. My poor baby #4 doesn't even have a baby book forget any kind of journal. As for names... good luck. We always had a girl's name right away and suffered over boy's names. (of course we had all boys) Good luck!

I got a cookie and ate it while I read. I thought it was a nice compromise. I loved your first reaction. It's not every baby that gets to learn fuck as it's first word-- well done!

i listened to that NPR interview. so strange now to think back to what i was doing that day and then imagining you tearing up.

"parasite baby" i think you're the first pregnant woman i know who's put things in that way. it's great. :D thanks for sharing.

also, given all the curse words and talk of boobs, how old will LBB have to be before he/she gets to read the journal?

I read it all! And I'm starving! This was a great read, honestly, it's nice to hear all about it, even 'after the fact'. I think we should call it 'retroactive blogging'. :)

Wait till you get to the toxic pee stage LOL! No seriously, your pee smells something awful towards the end. My apologies to any men who may read this and get sick. And, you don't have to give up yoga, actually yoga is good for you and for your pregnancy. Tell your yoga teacher that you are pregnent, and they will modify your yoga class to suit. Good luck, I love the journal and keep us informed :-)

Funny about the gas thing - I actually have less now - much less - my nickname used to be motorboat 'cause, well, that's what I sounded like. Amazingly enough I have very little gas. I must remember to try and stay pregnant forever...

I am loving the retroactive blogging, this way it feels like we've been in on it since the beginning. Well, actually, I think I'd rather start ever so slightly after the beginning.

Thank you for sharing this journal. It was so much fun to read. Just beautiful. I loved being pregnant, even if my body and emotions were completely foreign to me for nine months. It is fun to revisit old memories, while reading your new ones. You are going to be one fun mommy!

i read it all... and had to laugh at the similarities to when i was pregnant. you are such a cute mommy-to-be! don't fret over names, the right one will come to you. we didn't have Cam's middle name until about a week before he popped out (cuz that's what babies do you know, they pop out). i have a couple great girl names but i can't tell you (at least not here) as my last really good girl name got stolen by my evil sister-in-law, and if i ever pop another one out i need to keep them in reserve.
i know you guys don't eat meat, but it is a kinda important thing for you having iron and protein and all... as far as when babies "need" it... i didn't feed Cam meat until he had most of his teeth. i couldn't justify feeding him something that he didn't have the tools to eat. well, that and pureed turkey gave him gas.

keep sharing with us!

Beth, I just discovered your blog today and read all the archives (sooo busy at work obviously). Tee hee, I heart you and your writing for making me laugh. Congrats to you and the hubby. See you tomorrow! (in case your paranoid stalker alert has just gone off from that statement...I mean see your site really. 'sides, I live on the other side of the world from you. And even if I didn't I wouldn't stalk ya; promise. I think I'll just shut-up now.)

Aww... nice.

So how did you tell the family? :)

Congrats to you and Chris. I thought he was a great writer but you take the cake. I look forward to reading your blog!!

Beth,

Just read through your mini-journal and found it delightful. I am glad that both you and Chris seem to be keeping a sense of humour about it and keeping things in good healthy perspective.

MD and I will one day (hopefully soon) be joining the ranks of parenthood, but until then I look forward to living vicariously through others such as the cactus-fish household!

Have a great day
wn

Thanks for sharing your journal! Im due a month after you and I keep having all the same symptoms and the craziness that makes you decide youre having a miscarriage for no reason whatsoever.

I want a sonogram every day too!

I read it all too! Thank you for sharing this with us! You are going to be so happy you have this!! And your baby is too.

Definitely keep writing about your pregnancy!

I know I'm a little late, but yet I read the whole thing with tears streaming down my face. It reminded me of my pregnancies, well the last two anyways. Sometimes I regret the decision to get fixed, but at the same time I don't think I would survive another pregnancy and that makes me sad. I guess 3 is enough! :)
I loved reading it!

Somehow I think this baby will put a damper on our plans to wed in Vegas, but I'm happy anyway.

Loved it! I'm experiencing the faint tickings of the internal clock myself (but need the ring/vows thing to happen first, ahem) and just loved reading this part of your journal - please keep it up!!

Yeah - how DID you tell the fam?

I loved how you told the internet. :-)

Okay, congratulations, yada yada... what's the name of your super-amazing zit cream? You wouldn't believe the volcano that appeared on my chin this morning...

Seriously, congratulations!

When I first realized that you had managed to not write about this until you hit 12 weeks, I thought, "I could never do that." And then I thought, "well, maybe if I kept a secret journal on the side and posted it later." So, great minds think alike, I guess.

Oh, and there is a very pregnant woman in my new yoga class, and the instructor was encouraging her to try their pre-natal yoga class. Apparently they do all sorts of modifications to address the fact that your body and your balance is different when you're pregnant. So maybe you can find one of those.

very entertaining! and congrats on the boobies! lol

Sorry - behind on my online reading and I'm reading your most recent entry first. I have to laugh at the multiple pregnancy test. Everyone I know always takes multiple tests when the first one is positive (me too - I did 7 of 'em). I swear, with all the babies being born in 2004 and 2005 we should all buy stock in companies that make pregnancy tests. We'd make a fortune!

Congratulations! I'm so happy for you both!

It's great you're putting all this down for yourself and your baby. I kept a journal after my daughter was born. I regret that I didn't update it more frequently, because it's priceless to me. The best story in it is one about my daughter talking to her peas...Um, yeah, maybe you had to be there.

I didn't keep a pregnancy diary, which, in all honesty, is no great loss to the world.

"April 20, 1992. Woke up, threw up, went to work, threw up again. Ate two Big Macs and a large fry for lunch."

See what I mean? Who wants to read three trimesters worth of THAT? Then again, my daughter might appreciate knowing the exact number of chili dogs I ate while pregnant with her. It's a record number, I'm sure.

Again, congratulations!!!!

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So the Fish Said...

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