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The Unmitigated Dickness of Being

By popular demand, although I promise the story isn't nearly as interesting as you would think.

On Friday night, we went to Happy Hour with three friends to tell them we were pregnant. Now, before you all freak out on me, the bar we went to had a large non-smoking section and I drank Sprite. We got home at around 8:00, ordered a pizza, and I went upstairs to change. When I went to take off the bracelet my parents had given me for my 30th birthday it was gone. Lost.

We tore the house apart. I went through the clothes I was wearing, my coat, my gloves. We checked the kitchen, bedroom, bathroom, closets and stairs. I went through the trash. We checked my car, we looked outside the house, on the porch, on the sidewalk. Then we checked all those places again. It wasn't there.

I called the bar. It hadn't been turned in. They wouldn't go look for me. I headed back to the bar with two flashlights and barely contained hysteria. Yes, it was just a thing and I don't generally care that much about things, but this was a gift on a special occasion and also happened to be very expensive. I knew it was hopeless, but I had to look. I got back to the bar and searched the parking lot with a flashlight in each hand. Did I mention it was 4 degrees? No luck in the parking lot, so I went back into the bar. I asked at the front, no luck, so I went in to look. The non-smoking section was now full of smoke and dark and I scoured the floor trying not to breathe. I saw something! No, just a part of a cellophane cigarette wrapper.

I finally got to the back near where we had been sitting and was headed toward our table when a guy spoke to me. He said "are you looking for something?" Now, maybe it was the way he said it or maybe it was just my generally uncharitable nature, but my first thought was "Great. On top of everything else, now I have this loser trying to pick me up." I debated for a second then said yes, I had lost a bracelet. He said "Oh, it's over here." I was floored. I was amazed. At that moment, I loved this man more than I have ever loved a total stranger in my entire life. Even more than firemen. I followed him over to a table and there was my bracelet, just sitting there. He asked the woman at the table if it was her bracelet, and she said no, that they had found it and didn't know who's it was. She looked at me and asked if it was mine. I said yes and started thanking her.

Then my hero, the guy who had saved me, who had shown me where to find my bracelet, grabbed the bracelet off the table and asked me to describe it. Ok, now I just saw it sitting on the table, so this isn't a very good test, now is it? But I played along; I described the bracelet, thin, white gold and diamonds. He gave me a skeptical look and squinted at my bracelet now cupped in his hand. Fine. I elaborated. It is white gold but it has yellow gold around the diamonds and the clasp doesn't work and the safety catch is too loose so it doesn't work either. It's entirely too dark in the bar to see any details, but he did me a favor, so I was humoring him. The woman at the table was getting annoyed and told him to give me my bracelet. He said he wasn't sure it was really mine, because obviously there were a lot of diamond bracelets just lying around so he wanted to make sure I got the right one. Finally I got fed up and just kicked him as hard as I could in the nads and took my bracelet and ran. Ok, not really. It took at least five minutes of me asking for it and the woman at the table demanding he give it to me before he finally turned over my bracelet.

Then he told me I should by him a drink to thank him. I bought the woman at the table a drink, took my bracelet and left.

Writing this up it seems less unbelievably rude than it seemed at the time, so maybe you had to be there. Or maybe you had to be there and up past your bedtime and dinnerless and standing in a smoky room worrying that you were doing irreparable harm to your unborn child, but believe me, that guy really deserved a swift kick.

Comments (31)

Oh, no. It seems just as rude in print as it probably did when you lived it. Jackass.

Um - yeah - he deserved more than a kick. What an ass!

Wow, what an ass. Ok, half ass. I mean, why would he make such a point to notice you looking, then show you where it was, just to be a prick about giving it back to you?!
Did that make him "in control" for just a few minutes?
Well, at least you got your bracelett back!

Should have kicked him... rat bastard... Didn't he realize you have a little fish in the tank? :-)

It is my experience that most men deserve a good kick in the nads at least once in their lives. Maybe though he didn't realize you are with wee one and was trying to be flirtatious? Some men don't do flirtatious well and end up looking like they need to be kicked in scrots.

Sounds like a typical-man control issue. Geez. Being only six-weeks post-pregnant myself, I can say that you have far more self control than I would have in your condition in that situation.


I am rolling, very good Bob!! "Didn't he realize you have a little fish in the tank? :-)" I just spit my coffee out!

Mrs. Fish! You were right, he was a dick! And it sounds very bad, and I think I would have bought a drink and then thrown it at him, cause I am just that way when I am mad!

I am glad you found it, but do yourself a favor, fix the clasp! There are some things that you can never replace, and that is one of them! I know I have lost precious things I could never replace! And memories are not as good as holding it and passing it on to little fish!

That prick needs his ass kicked. This is the kind of guy that date rapes are made of. He was waiting for you to say " hero, I'll sleep with you if you give me my bracelet back". You were being coerced. You not only should have kicked him in the nads but taken his watch, wallet, and car keys. Then you should have driven to his house in his car and handed his belongings to his wife.

No -- It definitely still sounds unbelievably rude! Good for you for buying the woman at the table a drink..I hope Rude Guy (no relation to Rude Cactus of course) noticed that.

It sounds just as rude here. What an asshat!

A HARD kick in the nads would have been appropriate, to make sure that asshat is incapable of passing on his dickwad genes to any offspring.

He did. What an asshole. Fucker.

I'm so glad you found your bracelet and too bad the guy was such an ass. Ned's is a prretty nice place. We took daughter's bf there for his birthday. I love me some good imported beer.

seems pretty frickin rude to me.

What an A$$ he did desevere a kick - that is incredibly rude and just plain ugh.

You should have kicked him. I bet the lady at the table would have helped!

It would take a lot for me to love a total stranger more than a fireman, but I'm willing to trust you on this one. Too bad he was such a prick.

I love that you bought a drink for the woman at the table - afterall, she was the one that found the bracelet. Oh yeah, and she was't a rude jerk like that guy. I hope he was lingering when you offered/bought the drink...

I wonder though if "groovebunny" has a point in her post above - could he have been flirting (not well, of course)? Either way, glad you got your bracelet back - and congrats on the baby!

What's sad is that's even worse than my wild imagination cooked up. I'm surprised he didn't hold it in the air above your head and make you grab for it.


What an asshat. He was being such a dick. Glad you got the bracelet back!! :)

Ugh, how frustrating. You put up with that way longer than I would have been able to!

only you would be saved by guy with a frat boy sense of humor...what an ass

I'm with John and groovebunny both.

It was probably his sick way of coming onto you or something equally disgusting.

I had visions the whole time of some greasy guy in a retro-70s butterfly collared polyester shirt and leisure suit. Of course unbuttoned all the way to the navel with an obnoxious fake gold medallion swinging in the nappy ape-like hair covering his chest.


He totally thought he was putting the smooth teasing moves on you, and he entirely missed the fact that you were in no mood for it. I'd almost feel bad for him ... if he hadn't pushed it quite so far. Nice job of putting him in his place (although a kick would've done the job more explicitly)!

Oh, and CONGRATS on the impending babyness! Wooooo!

WAY ruder in print. I wish you'd have kicked him in the nads. What an asshole.

Yes, he was a big dick.

I want to know one thing--why were you forced on this bracelet expedition alone?? Where was the Rude Avenger during this venture?

Blech, what a fuckwad.

You handled that WAY better than I ever could. I think I would have given him that swift kick in the nads, grabbed the bracelet, and asked him to describe in detail the pain that he was feeling. What a shithead!

What a *beep* for acting like a total *beep*. You should have kicked him in the *beep* for *beeping*. *beeping* *beep*.

But yay for finding your bracelet :))

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So the Fish Said...

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