I am so paranoid. How paranoid am I? I am so paranoid that I ran some google searches to see whether someone had posted something bad about me to cause my comments to totally tank over the last couple days. I didn't find anything, so I must assume that I have just been more than usually boring. Or else, whoever posted the nasty thing has already removed the post so that I would not find it in my clever searching of the internet. Or maybe people are upset because I said that I had a smokin' ass two posts in a row and everyone who does not have a smokin' ass has stormed off in a fit of jealousy. Or else, possibly some evil empire is blocking all my adoring fans from leaving comments on my site, causing said adoring fans to sit in the corner on the floor and cry bitter, bitter tears of woe. Hard to say, really.
Anyway, I realized (thanks to Alektra) that I haven't made any new rules in a while. I'm sorry about that, I have really been slacking on my job as benevolent dictator of this authoritarian regime and it is time for me to get back to work.
1. If you work for an internet company, you should know that "email" is not written "EMail". When corrected, do not try to excuse yourself by clarifying that I told you "email" was the "corporate standard," you dingbat.
2. Don't ask pregnant women how they are feeling. I guarantee you the main thing a pregnant woman is feeling is annoyed by having to tell everyone she speaks to how she is feeling.
3. Grown-up adult people with jobs that do not involve playing professional football should not be required to participate in a High Five Line. Some of them, such as me, even consider quitting their jobs as a viable alternative to participation. (Shut up. I don't want to talk about it.)
4. If you manufacture foam mattress pads which you ship encased in airtight plastic and which stink to hades, do not try to market that stink as a "newness scent."
5. No more Lost reruns. Period.
(BTW, if anybody knows who posted something nasty about me causing my comments to tank, would you please let me know so I can act all brave and mature like I'm taking the moral high ground while secretly bad-mouthing them to everyone I talk to? Thanks.)