I get these friendly and colorful weekly emails about what my baby is up to, such as "your baby is now the size of a kiwi fruit and has rather attractive gills on the sides of her head." Ordinarily, I enjoy these emails because they compare the size of my fetus to a piece of food, such as a lime or a jumbo shrimp. However, today's email for 21 weeks pregnant included the sentence "And you can certainly feel him move." Now, first of all, this is a sentence fragment and they should not be emailing such poor grammar to pregnant women where it can be witnessed and mimicked by impressionable unborn children. (Yes, I know I do it all the time but we are criticizing someone else at the moment so shut up.) Second, no I certainly cannot feel her move. Not a bit. Not once. So thank you, friendly and colorful weekly email for making me think there is something horribly wrong with my child because I cannot feel what you say I certainly should. I appreciate your support at this challenging time when I am already spending most of my time on the verge of tears and hysteria thanks to the rampant hormones running through my brain. From now on, you can leave me and my banana-sized fetus the hell alone.
And just for the record, I may not be able to feel my baby move, but I am 21 weeks pregnant and still wearing my regular jeans. So there.