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Keeping Your Cool

I may be the world's leading expert at remaining calm and rational in the face of adversity. As an illustration of my skills, and as a helpful guideline for those of you who do not share this amazing talent, I have decided to present the step by step process that I used to deal with a recent problem I encountered. I hope that it will be helpful to you all throughout the rest of your lives.

It's come to my attention that I should say from the very beginning that everything is totally fine. Really. Peaches and light over here. Swear. Ok, now you may continue.

Beth's Little Instruction Book on How to React when you are 25 Weeks Pregnant and Discover Spotting in the Form of Three Nearly Microscopic Drops of Blood While at a Concert with Everyone You Work With and No Car

Step 1: Cry hysterically.
Step 2: Make four trips to the bathroom in 10 minutes to check for more blood.
Step 3: Cry some more.
Step 4: Decide to call your husband to come get you.
Step 5: Curse your husband for being an hour away and having neither a private jet nor a Star Trek style transporter.
Step 6: Decide to call an ambulance.
Step 7: Try to be rational. Decide that three nearly microscopic drops of blood is not worthy of calling an ambulance to pick you up from the concert. Decide to wait and call the ambulance as soon as you get home.
Step 8: Realize it is almost time to leave. Go find everyone you work with and try to act normal.
Step 9: Sit on the steps of the concert venue with everyone you work with while they drink beer and get even more hammered, because when you have a charter bus you can never really be sufficiently hammered.
Step 10: Finally finally finally head home while trying not to cry or scream to all the drunk people that you are about to go into premature labor and could they please show a little respect or at least give you some of that vodka.
Step 11: While driving past the hospital, decide to go running into the emergency room screaming that your baby is dying and they have to help you right away. Decide to compromise by calling your doctor as soon as you get home and waking her from a sound sleep to report the three microscopic drops of blood and insist that she rush straight to your house immediately. In her pajamas, there is no time to change.
Step 12: Get home. Make another four trips to the bathroom in 10 minutes to check for more blood.
Step 13: Break out the Doppler and check the heartrate. Twice. Ok, one more time just to be safe.
Step 14: Check email. (Shut up, I admit I'm an addict.)
Step 15: Decide everything is ok. Decide not to wake your husband and freak him out because you are freaked out enough for both of you and have decided everything is ok.
Step 16: Go to bed. Get up every 10 minutes all night to check for blood. Get up every 20 minutes all night to check the heartrate. Around 4 AM run out of ultrasound gel and start using hair gel instead. When you run out of hair gel, switch to olive oil.
Step 17: Call the doctor first thing in the morning.
Step 18: Call the doctor back after the office actually opens. Cry hysterically. Realize you have called the wrong office.
Step 19: Call the right office. Cry hysterically until they give you an appointment just to get you off the phone.
Step 20: Go to the doctor. Realize you have worn black socks and get upset because they look so tacky in the stirrups and clash with the drape.
Step 21: Try to act funny and intelligent for the doctor, making it clear that you realize you are being a little irrational but also making it clear that she had better do whatever it is she needs to do to be able to tell you that your baby is fine and perfect and healthy and will certainly win a Nobel Prize before she is 30.
Step 22: Pretend you are somewhere else and not really lying on a table while someone pokes you in the cervix.
Step 23: When the doctor tells you that everything is fine, pretend like you knew that all along and only came in because when you called the nurse just to say good morning and see how she was she threatened to steal your entire collection of Winnie the Pooh baby clothes if you didn't come in right away.
Step 24: Act very calm and rational when you tell your husband about it. Make it clear that it is no big deal and be slightly condescending about how silly he is to get upset over such a little thing.

Comments (44)

I am a list person, so I appreciate how orderly that was. I am pretty sure I would have demanded someone take me home from the concert. Im proud of you. Good job.

Oh my gosh - you are too funny. I'm so glad everything is okay. I'm thinking you handled that pretty well. I can't wait to see your list when you actually go into labor :)

Wow, your ability to stay calm is almost as good as mine! I have never gotten hysterical without good cause and that sounds like more than sufficient cause to me.

Whew Beth, you were making me nervous there. I mean it was funny. But still. Now I'm about to have a heart attack!!

Glad everything is okay though. Oh the doctor's personal phone number along with the ambulance people? #4 and 5 on my speed dial.

One lesson to be learned is to NOT hang out with (drunk) work people at concerts. It obviously keeps you from sleeping well at night.

Olive oil? Was it EVOO? (more poetic that way)

Damn, you get to go to concerts? Really though, glad all is well and this is only a glimpse of what parents feel like ALL OF THE TIME. Overreacting? No way...it's just being a mom.

phew! that got my heartrate rushing!!i'm glad everything is ok... really...!! *"deep breaths, deep breaths..."*

I would've caused the concert to come to a screeching hault with my hysterics and crying. I'm a wee bit of a boob, though.

Glad you're both okay!

i'm so glad that all is ok and i too am amazed that you were able to keep your cool and wait it out. but, i what i really want to know is what concert you went that required a charter bus?

LOL!!! You just reminded me when I was pregnant and spotted and I acually DID go to the Emergency room! I guess too much sex caused the bleeding HA! nothing serious.Baby was fine. Glad you handled it with such ease! ha!

I'm proud of you for hanging in there until you got home, and then the next day, and not waking Chris up in a hysterical frenzy. You should totally get a whole boatload of cookies for that.

Oh Beth! I am so glad everything is OK. your recounting of it is HYSTERICAL tho!

Yeah, you should tell Chris to get a grip. It's just like a man to overreact. ;) Glad all is well with the Lima Bean.

whoooa... rough coupla days...
Always trust your instincts.

*hugs*, Beth. I know that was scary.

I had the same experience that Veronica mentioned. The funny thing is that I was embarrassed to find that it was a result of having sex...uh, hello? I didn't want the doctor to know I was having sex? I think she had already put two and two together and figured out that I wasn't a virgin at that point.

I cried hysterically too, and then I stayed in bed for two days.

Even though this was funnily written, I have to admit, my heart was in my throat the whole time I was reading it.

I am so glad you are both okay.

Thanks for the disclaimer-- that could have been a lot more difficult to read. Glad everything is okay.

Same thing happend to my sister....okay so she wasnt in the middle of a concert but she reached the same level of freak-out-ness. (as she had every right to) It ended up being broken capilaries or something but boy what a relief! Im glad everything is alright with the beanette!

Wow, thanks SO much for those instructions. I feel so prepared now in case I ever find myself in that predicament. Whew, I'm so lucky to have you! Glad everything is ok. :) Now take a deep breath, and a nap.

LOL! You told that so well! Glad you and the bean are ok!

I am glad that everything is OK. I'm not sure how you and your husband spend time together without constantly laughing - you are both so funny.

yikes, that sounds way scary, i am so glad to hear that all is well.

Awwww. I've been there, Beth. I'm glad all is ok.

you know, i have a copy of those instructuions lying around here somewhere, just in case i'm ever in that situation! you handled it way better than i would have. i would have had a nervous breakdown, i think. glad to hear all is well.

Oh, scary, scary, scary. Very glad all is well.

you forgot step 25: never go anywhere without your car again. I am glad ya'll are ok!

wow, your nerves are as steely as jello.

glad to hear the beanette is alright though :D

Whew. Glad everything's cool.

I didn't take a breath through that whole post....
I am so glad that everything is peaches and cream! :-)

I am SO glad everything is well!
Real close to when I was to deliver, I woke up and couldn't feel Princess move, which freaked me out because every morning she did as much moving as she could being so cramped in there towards the end. I called my doctor hysterical, he told me to go to the hospital which made me more hysterical, I called my good friend to come take me to the hospital as I was too hysterical to drive. We got there, me crying the whole time, we pull into the parking area of the hospital...and Princess kicked me hard!! I was never so relieved to feel a kick in my life. At that point I felt silly going to the hospital, but since I also had high blood pressure I figured it was a good thing to get checked out. So anyway, to make this short (okay I know too late) I KNOW how you feel!!

First let me say I'm glad you and the cactus-fish are both ok. :)

That being said, let me said you are one hysterical individual, but in a funny good kind of way. :D

Wow, my list exactly! :) Glad everything's okay.

Glad to hear that you and Ms. peanut are okay. I had a smiliar scare, but it turned out that I sat on a little piece of chocolate which I mistook for a spot of dried blood. You are not overreacting - you are pregnant and any little thing is something worth checking out.

Wow! I am so glad that everything is ok! I did the same thing last week and can appreciate your freakout. Anyway, I dig your blog and enjoy reading about your little cactusfish as mine is due a couple days after yours.

Take care

did the hair gel work? I can't believe you own hair gel...you stick me as more of a pommade type of couple.

(glad you're all good)

Wow! I really am impressed! And very glad that nothing is wrong. Even if it is a few microscopic drops of blood, it would be enough to scare the poop out of me!

ok, my heartrate just skyrocketed! Im so glad that beanette is fine...hope you are too...how scary!

So glad you were so methodical about your approach to being calm. See, you will be a good mom! Glad everything is ok!

You scared the pretend Grandma!!! Don't do that again!

Now after saying that, you are hysterical is right! You make me laugh until I cry! I thought "I" was the only one neurotic like that...living in my head! I am glad to know you sweety! Good list! : )

Hug the Lima Bean for me! AND yourself!

So -- did you see it snowed in Michigan?

I'm glad everything is OK! ;)

I would've called the ambulance. Twice.

Oh my, I think every pregnant woman can relate to that. That was a great read, I'm so happy everything's ok!

How frightening for you! I'm sorry about all the emotional heartbreak you must have been going through. Did the doctor give you any reason as to why you might spot blood? Is it normal for some women? Just curious but most of all, so glad everything is okay.

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