I may be the world's leading expert at remaining calm and rational in the face of adversity. As an illustration of my skills, and as a helpful guideline for those of you who do not share this amazing talent, I have decided to present the step by step process that I used to deal with a recent problem I encountered. I hope that it will be helpful to you all throughout the rest of your lives.
It's come to my attention that I should say from the very beginning that everything is totally fine. Really. Peaches and light over here. Swear. Ok, now you may continue.
Beth's Little Instruction Book on How to React when you are 25 Weeks Pregnant and Discover Spotting in the Form of Three Nearly Microscopic Drops of Blood While at a Concert with Everyone You Work With and No Car
Step 1: Cry hysterically.
Step 2: Make four trips to the bathroom in 10 minutes to check for more blood.
Step 3: Cry some more.
Step 4: Decide to call your husband to come get you.
Step 5: Curse your husband for being an hour away and having neither a private jet nor a Star Trek style transporter.
Step 6: Decide to call an ambulance.
Step 7: Try to be rational. Decide that three nearly microscopic drops of blood is not worthy of calling an ambulance to pick you up from the concert. Decide to wait and call the ambulance as soon as you get home.
Step 8: Realize it is almost time to leave. Go find everyone you work with and try to act normal.
Step 9: Sit on the steps of the concert venue with everyone you work with while they drink beer and get even more hammered, because when you have a charter bus you can never really be sufficiently hammered.
Step 10: Finally finally finally head home while trying not to cry or scream to all the drunk people that you are about to go into premature labor and could they please show a little respect or at least give you some of that vodka.
Step 11: While driving past the hospital, decide to go running into the emergency room screaming that your baby is dying and they have to help you right away. Decide to compromise by calling your doctor as soon as you get home and waking her from a sound sleep to report the three microscopic drops of blood and insist that she rush straight to your house immediately. In her pajamas, there is no time to change.
Step 12: Get home. Make another four trips to the bathroom in 10 minutes to check for more blood.
Step 13: Break out the Doppler and check the heartrate. Twice. Ok, one more time just to be safe.
Step 14: Check email. (Shut up, I admit I'm an addict.)
Step 15: Decide everything is ok. Decide not to wake your husband and freak him out because you are freaked out enough for both of you and have decided everything is ok.
Step 16: Go to bed. Get up every 10 minutes all night to check for blood. Get up every 20 minutes all night to check the heartrate. Around 4 AM run out of ultrasound gel and start using hair gel instead. When you run out of hair gel, switch to olive oil.
Step 17: Call the doctor first thing in the morning.
Step 18: Call the doctor back after the office actually opens. Cry hysterically. Realize you have called the wrong office.
Step 19: Call the right office. Cry hysterically until they give you an appointment just to get you off the phone.
Step 20: Go to the doctor. Realize you have worn black socks and get upset because they look so tacky in the stirrups and clash with the drape.
Step 21: Try to act funny and intelligent for the doctor, making it clear that you realize you are being a little irrational but also making it clear that she had better do whatever it is she needs to do to be able to tell you that your baby is fine and perfect and healthy and will certainly win a Nobel Prize before she is 30.
Step 22: Pretend you are somewhere else and not really lying on a table while someone pokes you in the cervix.
Step 23: When the doctor tells you that everything is fine, pretend like you knew that all along and only came in because when you called the nurse just to say good morning and see how she was she threatened to steal your entire collection of Winnie the Pooh baby clothes if you didn't come in right away.
Step 24: Act very calm and rational when you tell your husband about it. Make it clear that it is no big deal and be slightly condescending about how silly he is to get upset over such a little thing.