Last week, I found myself in a rather unusual position. I can't say exactly what it was, but let's pretend that someone asked me if I would like to be kicked in the head. It was entirely up to me, but if I said no, a friend of mine would get kicked in the head instead. I had about 20 minutes to decide, and it was really a hard call. First of all, I had been half expecting to get kicked in the head eventually and I was ok with it, but I expected it to come later. I wasn't ready for it last week. But still, since I was already resigned to the head kicking and my friend wasn't, I wondered if taking it myself was the right thing to do. There was no good answer. It would be terrible for me to get kicked in the head, and it would be terrible for my friend as well. It would be very hard on my family and it would be very hard on her family.
In the end, I did what was right for me. I said that no, I did not want to be kicked in the head, knowing full well that by saving myself I was sacrificing my friend.
I feel bad about it, I do. But I feel terrible that I don't feel worse about it. I feel like I should be wracked with grief and remorse, but I am not. I am very sorry for my friend and I will do everything I can to help her recover from the head kicking, but I am not sorry about the choice I made. It was the right choice for me, for us, and sometimes I guess you just have to be selfish.