Today, I did my hair and managed to get my wedding ring back on. Big day. Also, and don't hate me because I am just saying this for the record, I can't believe how flat my stomach is. You would never guess that I had a baby 9 days ago, so hurray for all those damned sit-ups.

I feel like I should say something profound and wonderful about Mia and motherhood, but the truth is I am so shell-shocked I can't seem to manage it. She is amazing, and I haven't been driven to tears by breastfeeding in days, so huge progress all around.

I don't know how single parents do it - I wouldn't have lasted a day without Chris. The simple sight of him sitting in the glider holding our daughter is by far the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Mia may blame me for many things later in life, but she will never be able to fault me for the choice of her father.

You can catch a slideshow of some pictures of Mia here.

Yes, I am totally stealing from my husband, but I just gave birth to his child, so I think I am entitled.

The last belly pic.

It will probably be a while before I get it together enough to put anything coherent here. I still can't believe this beautiful little girl is ours, and most of the time I have no idea what to do with her. This does get easier, right?

Two quick things. I am far more blessed in this life than I deserve. I decided to have a scheduled c-section based mainly on the gut feeling that there was some reason Mia was breech and that trying to move her might, just might do her some harm. Her umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck three times and once more around her body just for good measure. Things could have gone very badly for her, but instead she is perfect and wonderful and alseep in my lap. If those of you who go in for higher powers would thank them for me I would be much obliged.

Second, would anyone like to name my left boob? The right boob has been christened Leaky McHurty. I'm pretty sure it's bad when your nipples bleed. We are leaving to see the lactation consultant in a few minutes, but I see now why people give this up and swear never to climb back aboard that particular high horse.

I lied, one more thing. Thank you all for the emails and comments. I hope you will understand if I don't respond, but I want you to know that the friendship and support I have gotten from all of you has been an amazing help to me throughout this pregnancy and especially over the last few days.

Check over at the hubby's site soon for pictures.

Got home at 3 today, was on the phone to the pediatrician in tears by 4:30.

This is the most amazing and wonderful and hardest thing I have ever done.

Amelia is stunning in every sense. Chris is my savior. My fingers are numb from exhaustion.

Thanks and love to all of you for support and good wishes. I have to go feed my daughter.

Hey everybody! Chris here. I just wanted to share the news that the Bean has arrived. Amelia (Mia) Morgan Cactus-Fish was born Friday morning at 9:52. She weighed in at 7 lbs 13 oz and was just a bit over 20 inches long.

What do these people have in common?

Edward Hopper
Alexander Calder
Bob Dole
George Clinton
Willem Dafoe
Lima Bean

Give up?

I would post something, but my back hurts. What? Don't see the relationship? Me neither, but I defy you to show me any woman with a 7 pound baby wedged under her ribs who is still worried about being logical. Anyway, rather than going to all the trouble to write something myself, I am going to direct you instead to this post on my husband's site because really, I did all the work so don't see why he should get all the glory. You are welcome to come back and compliment me on what a wonderful, thoughtful, amazing wife I am even in the midst of Beth's Bitchfest 2005, or you can just come back tomorrow and see if I have gotten my act together. Entirely up to you.

What do you mean I have two entire weeks left before my due date? How can that be possible?

Also, how is it possible that my belly button has not popped out? Believe me, everything else has.

Whenever Chris leaves the house when I am home, even if I am standing right next to the front door, and even if I am leaving too in 5 minutes, and even though the knob is always locked, he uses his key to lock the deadbolt. I used to try to beat him to it to save him the trouble, but now I just wait for it to happen because I know it is his way of keeping me safe.

I figured it out! The Bean must have inherited my smokin' ass and has decided to come into the world butt-first to show if off.

Silly baby.

Ok, I admit that I had myself a nice little hissy fit last night about the Bean deciding to go all breech on us, but I'm over it. The only thing I care about is that she is healthy and happy and gets the heck out of me in the safest possible manner. Period. I really think she turned over the weekend, so there is a chance that she might do it again, but at nearly 38 weeks I'm not holding my breath. So, unless she pulls another somersault, the current plan is a scheduled c-section somewhere around my due date. While it would not be my first choice, I can think of a lot worse things than a scheduled c-section. For example, I could have an emergency c-section with general anesthesia after 30 hours of labor, which is what my poor mother went through for me.

However, if you all wouldn't mind sending the Bean some serious head-down vibes, I would greatly appreciate it.

The Good News:

I no longer have to worry about the baby inheriting my great big melon head.

The Bad News:

She's breech.

I have very little to say today, because it is very hard for me to reach all the way around this belly and get to the keyboard. I swear I grew several inches overnight.

So first of all, I'm an atheist. I am not interested in opening a religious debate here, just mentioning it for the record. However, I do have a prayer that I say sometimes, which I don't see as a problem because while I may be an atheist I'm not narrow-minded. It's really more of a motto anyway, it just happens to be in prayer form. Anyway, after spending so much time obsessing over my own worries I thought of it this morning and it helped a little. And since you all clearly have worries of your own that I am now fully dedicated to worrying about on your behalf I thought I would share it with you and maybe it would help you a little too. I'm pretty sure it is a line from a Garrison Keillor book, but I am too lazy to look it up, so let's just assume that I have given credit where credit is due. Anyway, here's my prayer and you are welcome to it.

Oh internet, have I got a deal for you! You see, I have given up sleeping in favor of lying awake all night worrying obsessively about. nothing. I am not up at 3 AM worrying about labor or learning how to care for a baby or whether she will get into college, oh no, last night I spent at least 30 minutes worrying that Chris had not gotten his oil changed and that therefore his car was going to explode. After that, I worried that someone was going to break into my car and steal the car seat we installed this weekend and I wouldn't notice and then we wouldn't be able to bring the baby home from the hospital and she would have to stay there until she was old enough to drive herself. Since there does not seem to be any way for me to stop the worrying and do something as crazy as sleep at night, I have decided to offer my services to you, the lovely internet people I love so much that I want us to all make out.

Here's the deal. You tell me your problems, no matter what they are, just any little thing that is worrying you. I will then spend my nights worrying about your problems on your behalf. Now, I don't mean some sort of mild, disinterested worry. I will worry about your problems until I get myself so worked up that I have to do deep breathing exercises to avoid hyperventilating. This is a win/win proposition in that I will have the comfort of worrying about actual, valid issues and you will be able to relax and move on with your life secure in the knowledge that your issue is receiving the full-blown, stress-inducing, hair-pulling worry that it deserves.

Not to toot my own horn, but I really think this is an offer that is too good to pass up. I don't mean to be immodest, but I can obsess over and harp on an issue better than anyone you have ever met, just ask my husband. This is a high quality service, which I am offering to you entirely free of charge out of the goodness of my heart and the desperation to have something else to keep me occupied all night long. So here we go my friends, first come, first serve. Step right up and let me do your worrying.

I got about 40 minutes of sleep last night, so keep that in mind with the randomness to follow.

Randomness #1
Thanks to all of you for the comments on my last post. I have decided against the cave with the slim jims and AK-47 route because, well, for one thing I'm a vegetarian and for another I think the second amendment should be repealed. (If anybody wants to defend the second amendment, I invite and encourage you to do so. On your own website. Thanks.) So, clearly that was not a good plan. However, I really appreciated all the kind and thoughtful comments that you guys left and took them to heart, so thank you for that.

Randomness #2
Does anybody know how to get paint out of carpet? My current method involves Oxy Clean, hot water, a stiff bristled brush, a circular scrubbing motion, and forever. It works, but the forever part is a bit of a drawback.

Randomness #3
While we are on the subject of carpets, does anybody have any brilliant ways to get my cat to stop peeing on the carpet and to get the stink out of my house? Yelling and Nature's Miracle are not cutting it.

Randomness #4
I realized yesterday that I had lunch with Bad Penguin last week and nothing Very Bad happened in my life. You see, in the past, every single time I have met a blogger in person (which is not very often) it has been either immediately preceeded or immediately followed by something Very Bad happening to me. These Very Bad things have nothing to do with the blogger in question, but the trend has been a little bizarre. I feel like a curse has been lifted. I'm hoping this also means that my recent trend of August being a really shitty month has also ended.

Randomness #5
I went to the OB on Friday, and the Lima Bean shows no signs of being in any hurry to be born. The good news was that I only gained one pound in the past two weeks, for a grand total of 33 and with any luck not much more than that because I am in serious danger of compromising the smokingness of my ass if I gain any more weight.

Randomness #6
I was going to post another belly picture this week now that I'm in the home stretch, but frankly I am too lazy to do it. So, just picture last week but bigger.

Randomness #7
Anybody who comes up with a way to get me out of work for the next three weeks wins a prize. Please? Pretty please?

I was going to write this really whiny post today about poor poor me and how I am suffering what with my sore hips and tired legs, but it all seems like such bullshit when people are getting blown up for just trying to get to work or abducted by known child molesters or all of the other shitty things that happen all the time that you just don't think about or else you would go insane.

Can somebody tell me how you do this? How you put your child out into the world and resist the urge to barricade yourself in a cave with an AK-47 and a lifetime supply of Slim Jims and your TiVo? I don't know how you do that and I am freaking out a little bit because that cave is starting to sound like a really reasonable option to me.

I really wish people would stop giving me beautiful, hand-made baby blankets, because they just make my hand-made baby blanket look like crap. Anyway, here is the blanket I started knitting about 12 hours after I found out I was pregnant.

It is supposed to be 11 inches longer, but considering that it is already nearly as long as the crib and also considering that I have less than 4 weeks until my due date, I am thinking about just calling it good.

I've been playing around with Flickr and it is pissing me off (but honestly, there isn't much that isn't pissing me off lately), but if you click here, you should be able to see some additional shots of the incredible freaking cuteness of my nursery, along with two other baby blankets made by people who actually know what they are doing. Show-offs.

Since I was so snotty about still fitting into my pre-pregnancy jeans, I decided I should come clean about the true state of affairs. The truth is, I am starting to outgrow my maternity pants. I am even starting to outgrow my much-maligned yoga pants, which still fit over my belly but less so my ass. Last week, I had to stop wearing my watch because it was cutting off the circulation to my chubby little fingers, and I am no more than a day or two away from having to give up my wedding ring as well.

But it gets better. Are you ready for the kicker?

I ran to the post office at lunch today and pulled into an admittedly tight, but not that tight parking spot and then had to move because I couldn't get out of my car. I'm too fat to get out of a car people, are you happy now?

Now, if you will excuse me, I am going to go finish my cookies.

Oh dear, lovely internet people, would you pretty pretty please do me a favor? Would you please go visit my sweet and wonderful husband and tell him that he rocks? You see, I'm a little cranky lately with the tiredness and the fatness and the not being able to get my ass off the couch without help and to make up for it I seem to have made being evil and mean to my husband my new hobby. So would you all help me make up for it by going over and saying something nice? (Only, don't tell him he's hot. I mean, he is hot, but when other women tell him he's hot I get jealous and I am already nearly too bitchy to breathe. Just, like, tell him he's a good driver or something.)

Ok, ready? Go!

I have made a horrible mistake. You see, when we were planning the baby shower I had last weekend, my sister-in-law (who hosted the shower) asked whether I wanted it to be all women or co-ed. I opted for all women. I see now that this was a grave error, as if I had made it co-ed I could have forced Chris to write half the thank you notes.

You now know what I will be doing for the rest of the day.

However, in the name of procrastination, I had to stop by to brag that on Saturday we had lunch live and in person with Bad Penguin. And you didn't, so there. It was lovely, of course, and a good time was had by all, at least I think so. The first thing Chris said to me when we parted company was "I hope we aren't lame." In my opinion, lame would be an improvement over huge raging dorks, which is what we really are, but he was concerned about it.

And also, it is time again for a picture of the small planet that is currently passing for my belly. The last time I posted a belly picture, I got teased a bit for always wearing the same clothes for the pictures and for the sad state of fading displayed by my much-loved and oft-washed yoga pants. To avoid more teasing this time, I decided to wear a different pair of pants (I have to wear the same shirt for comparison purposes, you see). Just to be obnoxious, I chose my regular old pre-pregnancy jeans which I can not only still button, but can also button and sit down (although I admit I would not care to do so for long). So, you know, neener neener, or something.

Now, go blow stuff up.

Sometimes, when you are 8 months pregnant and very tired because you can't sleep anymore and you have just worked a nearly 12 hour day and it would have been a bad day anyway even without the working 12 hours part and the contractors who have already been difficult to deal with have messed up your new locks and your generally very nice husband decides to inexplicably defend the contractors instead of telling you that you are absolutely right and when the basement stairs smell like cat pee and you can't figure out why because you have gone over them a hundred times and there is no pee, well sometimes when that happens the only thing you can do is climb into bed with your body pillow Hank and cry for a bit.

I'm just saying in case, you know, it ever happens to you.