Oh internet, have I got a deal for you! You see, I have given up sleeping in favor of lying awake all night worrying obsessively about. nothing. I am not up at 3 AM worrying about labor or learning how to care for a baby or whether she will get into college, oh no, last night I spent at least 30 minutes worrying that Chris had not gotten his oil changed and that therefore his car was going to explode. After that, I worried that someone was going to break into my car and steal the car seat we installed this weekend and I wouldn't notice and then we wouldn't be able to bring the baby home from the hospital and she would have to stay there until she was old enough to drive herself. Since there does not seem to be any way for me to stop the worrying and do something as crazy as sleep at night, I have decided to offer my services to you, the lovely internet people I love so much that I want us to all make out.
Here's the deal. You tell me your problems, no matter what they are, just any little thing that is worrying you. I will then spend my nights worrying about your problems on your behalf. Now, I don't mean some sort of mild, disinterested worry. I will worry about your problems until I get myself so worked up that I have to do deep breathing exercises to avoid hyperventilating. This is a win/win proposition in that I will have the comfort of worrying about actual, valid issues and you will be able to relax and move on with your life secure in the knowledge that your issue is receiving the full-blown, stress-inducing, hair-pulling worry that it deserves.
Not to toot my own horn, but I really think this is an offer that is too good to pass up. I don't mean to be immodest, but I can obsess over and harp on an issue better than anyone you have ever met, just ask my husband. This is a high quality service, which I am offering to you entirely free of charge out of the goodness of my heart and the desperation to have something else to keep me occupied all night long. So here we go my friends, first come, first serve. Step right up and let me do your worrying.