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Special Offer!

Oh internet, have I got a deal for you! You see, I have given up sleeping in favor of lying awake all night worrying obsessively about. nothing. I am not up at 3 AM worrying about labor or learning how to care for a baby or whether she will get into college, oh no, last night I spent at least 30 minutes worrying that Chris had not gotten his oil changed and that therefore his car was going to explode. After that, I worried that someone was going to break into my car and steal the car seat we installed this weekend and I wouldn't notice and then we wouldn't be able to bring the baby home from the hospital and she would have to stay there until she was old enough to drive herself. Since there does not seem to be any way for me to stop the worrying and do something as crazy as sleep at night, I have decided to offer my services to you, the lovely internet people I love so much that I want us to all make out.

Here's the deal. You tell me your problems, no matter what they are, just any little thing that is worrying you. I will then spend my nights worrying about your problems on your behalf. Now, I don't mean some sort of mild, disinterested worry. I will worry about your problems until I get myself so worked up that I have to do deep breathing exercises to avoid hyperventilating. This is a win/win proposition in that I will have the comfort of worrying about actual, valid issues and you will be able to relax and move on with your life secure in the knowledge that your issue is receiving the full-blown, stress-inducing, hair-pulling worry that it deserves.

Not to toot my own horn, but I really think this is an offer that is too good to pass up. I don't mean to be immodest, but I can obsess over and harp on an issue better than anyone you have ever met, just ask my husband. This is a high quality service, which I am offering to you entirely free of charge out of the goodness of my heart and the desperation to have something else to keep me occupied all night long. So here we go my friends, first come, first serve. Step right up and let me do your worrying.

Comments (47)

Well, alrighty then!

My worry can be summed up very easily:

Katie Holmes.

Thank you.

ugh, yeah. what is she doing with tom cruise and his silly depression-isn't-real ass anyway?

oh and i'm starting college this fall, i suppose that's something :P

Ok I'll Join:

I'm 4 months pregant, I havent taken my prenatal vitamins, have spent hours and hours in Casinos full of smokers ..please worry about my baby being born prematurlly with brain damage for Lack of vitamins and second hand smoke..

Thanks for the Service.

Funny - but when I was pregnant with my second child, I used to wake up at 1:10 every night.

I wonder if I could hear a train whistle or something that woke me up.

Try to get a good night's sleep.
Cas

You are close! I had nightmares the othe night I was worried about. Should I worry about them or should the only thing I worry about be death? That's the only thing that can't be fixed.

~Jef

OK, will my debt ever be paid off? My house, that is 1000 miles away and has been on the market for 2 years, will it ever sell? Will this 100 degree weather ever go away? Thanks.

Don't even think about both of you getting laid off just before the baby comes and you lose healthcare coverage for the birth. Just don't. Won't happen. Breath. Breath...

I have a doctor's appointment this friday and I always forget to talk to him about something important. I also just don't want to go. You can gnaw that to the bone for me, thankee.

Oh Beth - supreme worrier about all things worriable. I have been downsized in my job and given a nice fluffy two months of notice. I now have to find a new job with in the two months, so I don't go crazy while being unemployed. I'm completely freaked out that I won't get hired for anything more substantial than being a barista at Starbucks. So, if you have time and don't have more pressing things like who will win the Super Bowl or if the newest X-Man sequal will bomb or not, I would appreicate some help worrying about this. Thanks so much! (And I hope the 3rd X-man movie doesn't bomb...)

Someone close to me found my blog and is PISSED. Now I have settle them down and figure out if I'm going to write through a filter, write anything I want and tell them to suck it, or move my blog? Oh, and can you worry about how much it's going to hurt when I go to the dentist, you know, someday? Because I'm waaay too scared to go anytime soon. Thanks, and I'm so glad you've got something worthwhile to worry about now. But you know, I have heard something about rampaging carseat snatchers. I'm sure they aren't in your area, though. Where are you again?

take my worries, please!

i have random chest pains and just know for sure that they are not stress related and that i'm going to die of a heart attack at any moment.

i hate my job but can't find any other place to work.

i have no money.

i'm 29 and still freaking single.

Now the bean can never come out. Cause I'm way behind here. My worry is that I'll never find something I want to major in in college.

I owe money from a check that I didn't know bounced FOUR years ago [cuz of my idiot now-ex-husband]. The original check was for $125 and now I owe over $950. I'm jobless. Thank you.

You can worry about my therapist making it back from her vacation in one piece. Of course she'll be back tomorrow but I'm still worrying like crazy.

I'm just the teeniest bit concerned that I'm leaking amniotic fluid. Does that work for good worry fodder?

What, me worry?

My regular mailman and my regular UPS man are BOTH on vacation this week. I being a extreme creature of habit, and going to name my ulcer after them. Can you worry that my mail and packages get to where it is they need to be with Tom and Nikko gone? We are going to have to plan way better for their next vacations....

Will this make us worry less about those problems? or does it only mean that there will now be more than one person worrying about them, cause in that case I'd rather save you the trouble.

No, I'm sorry, my ability to obsess over things is legendary. Perhaps we could have a worry-off. But, hey, should you need extra fodder--how about worrying about finding a solution for cat pee, if my husband will hate me forever if I *accidentally* kill the cat in a fit of blind rage, oh, and finding enough freelance work. But, mainly, the cat pee. Thanks, O'Goddess of worrying :P

I'd rather send you sleep than worries though :)

Ooh ooh, pick me! You can worry this week for me about picking up my new puppy on Saturday. It's driving me crazy waiting to get her, and worrying that something will prevent me from picking her up. All you have to do is look at the pics on my website, and you'll be worrying too. :)

okay, you asked... now, you're sure this will stop me from grinding my teeth? okay.

we have 30 days to sell our house. no one seems to want it. it's been on the market for 100 days and we've dropped the price three times. do you know anyone who wants a house in MA? it's a lovely town, near the ocean, close to the commuter rail... please don't make me have to carry two mortgages plus a bridge loan!

Uhhh... Wedding? In 11 days? Wah?

Oh, and I'm nervous I'm fucking up at least one of my two jobs this summer.

Oh, and will the hurricane ruin my honeymoon cruise?

And will the G8 summit help people for real?

my boyfriend is CRAZY and won't do anything about it and I am at my wits end. Maybe if you worry a little then I can get some sleep? lol

I'm the one who's worried here that I didn't come by the blog earlier and leave the nice supportive messages with everyone else. So! Nice! Support! You will be a great, funny mom! Chris will be a great dad, or at least take really good pictures of the baby. Hopefully both!

I'm worried that the Fiance's crazy mother will come to the wedding and ruin everything. I know we have to invite her, but is it too much to hope that maybe she'll come down with a timely case of SOMETHING, like the day before?

Oh kindred spirit, what sleepless nights we both have. I really hate to give you my worries but here they are:

Worrying about the rash on my 10 year old daughter's face...is really acne or just a rash? And why do I worry obsessively about it? And why did the doctor give her a cream not meant for children under 12??? Should I take her to another doctor? My husband says he doesn't remember me going to medical school so why do I question it all?

The little tiny pains on the left side of my chest...are they indeed muscular/skeletal as the doctor tells me or am I going to have a heart attack right after I fall asleep?

Money...why can't I have more? Why did I charge so much up on my charge cards?

I will only give you three to start with, if you need more let me know!

Oh, I guess I gave more than three didn't I? Why did I do that? Gosh, I'll probably obsess over that now too!

Okay...I'd like to be worry free, please. Thank you.

Um, okay. Here are the questions that I am obsessing over as I type this:

1. My three year old son has yet to be potty trained. They say not to potty train when there's a time constraint -- my son starts preschool. Soon. They won't take him in diapers. They also say not to potty train when a big change has occured. Should I send my 4 week old newborn back until he's potty trained? Will my son's future wife continue to change his diapers when he's, say THIRTY YEARS old?

2. Will my psycho boss freak out on me again when I return to work after my maternity leave? Actually, will I even have a job when I return?

3. What the heck are "maternal fat stores" anyway? And when will they go away? Why is the postpregnancy weight residing in my thighs like an unwanted house guest?

Um, that about sums it up. For now.
Oh, I feel so relieved now.

Okay then... if you insist! Debt... worry about me never getting out from under it. How about the ring I'm supposed to get this month... that my debt is slowly swallowing.

that is one dangerous request. I alone have enough to keep you up for well close to the rest of your life :)

Dude, my job. My job my job my blaaargh...

How will my wedding be? Will people have fun? Will my future husband break another bone (he will already be in a cast for the wedding) before the wedding? Will I look fat? Will the food be good?

thanks Beth, I figure if both of us are worrying, it might accomplish something...

Seriously though, hang in there....and try to enjoy this time as much as possible, it's really a beautiful time in your life.

Umm, I'm quitting my job in a month to go to school full time but we still have to pay the mortgage, daycare, food, gas, etc. Will I end up living in a refrigerator box?

Thanks -- I've got a test tonight and it helps a lot to get that off my chest!

well, i have many worries. i am a world class obsesser and worrier (now i'm worried that was redundant and that i misspelled obsesser). my concern is that i'll share my worry with you but that i'll still lose sleep over it. which would then make me feel bad about burdening you with it since i'm such a control freak that i can't even let the worries go.

:sigh: really, this is too much for me. thank goodness others already took you up on your kind offer. now i don't have to worry that you have nothing to worry about on those sleepless nights.

:D Happy Tuesday!

Oh! I can't pass this up! So here goes.

When will we find a house!!! It's been freakin over 6 months and nothing. Nada. If we don't get something soon the interest rates will go back up and I will end up in a mental hospital soon.

When will I have my baby?!?! Third round of clomid when I needed none! And still no baby :( Does the doctor know what he's doing? Where's my baby? Am I just going to steal yours?

My job sucks! I have to start travelling again. If I do that then where will I have the time to get knocked up and buy a house?

And what about that world peace?

Phew.... thanks Beth! You're such a doll to offer this service!

I'm worried that when my mother comes to help after the birth of my baby that she will outgrow the initial excitement and start to realize how filthy my house is. Do you know how to get rust stains off from old formica or saline solution stains from porcelain? Just checking.

Hang in there.

well, it looks like you have more than enough to worry about now, so i won't add to your troubles. but i couldn't sleep last night either. stupid worries. here's to a good night's sleep for both of us!

Maybe you need to be worn out. Maybe a long walk or a good shag. I'm sure the hubby would prefer the later, but then again, you might too.

You can worry about the outcome of the pending prego test for your truly. I'm so wound up right now!

hmmmm, can you worry about me trying to sell my art work, because I could use the break from anxiety

I have another MRI this week. Can you do all my earthquake worrying for me so I'll have nothing but good thoughts when I'm in the tube? Thanks!

my worry is that something is gonna go wrong next friday when we go to close on our new house...and if it goes well, my next worry will be weather or not we can afford it every month!!!

Oh worrier of worriers, allow me to share:

Will my husband master the art of driving a stick-shift car so that he can start taking the car that gets better gas mileage to work (without ruining the gears)?

Will we EVER get the new bedroom furniture? Being 8 months pregnant and sleeping on a mattress on the floor is really getting uncomfortable.

Will my husband keep his job for the next year? His boss seems to fire at will and politics run rampant.

Will I be able to afford to stay home for the 3 months I have allotted to be a full-time mom? Why can't I stay home until the kid is in Kindergarten?

Will I ever stop comparing myself to the Jones' with the seemingly perfect life who own their home, decorated the nursery perfectly, and have plenty of time and money to do what they want?

Will the baby even like me? Will I have enough patience??

Maybe I should just turn to an 8 Ball for answers...

Wow this offer is too good to refuse! I have my PhD comprehensive exams next week. If I flunk, I flush 4 years of hard work and money down the potty! I will miss a life-long goal, I will disappoint myself and perhaps my family. You are a very nice person to take this from me. I will think of you and the Bean in return, and send you all my powerful thoughts of an easy, safe, painless as possible delivery. Thanks!

I got big into internet Scrabble when I was pregnant and couldn't sleep. I got very good at it and now I beat my husband every time we play. Some good things come from insomnia!

Ok I'm late on this one but you asked so nicely and I have been worried lately. I am going on a plane in a week and fear that it will go down in a fiery crash and me and my family will parish. Seriously, it's almost 3 AM right now and that is par for the past week...I can't sleep...I'm crazy yo!

Hi Beth,

I used to do the same thing before my two kids were born. A week before my first child was born, I had a very vivid dream that I had given birth .... to a litter of kittens! I spent the next week wondering what was *really* in my belly! :-) I think the insomnia is nature's way of preparing you for those midnight feedings. Hang in there, Beth!

This is a very popular post. And i'm just gonna give you even more ;)
I don't know what I'm doing with my life, and I don't know if I am able to do what I think I want to do. I worry if I am a good enough musician. And I'm doing very badly at what I should do. Part of me just wants to be a SAHW/SAHM, but that requires this funny thing called a husband, and even if I get one of those, it's a few years off. And AHHHH!
Thank you, Beth.

I happen to come across this blog while I was putting off my worries and searching the internet. Ironically--for another worrisome reason. First off, I'm taking the bar exam in a mere 12 days and am worried sick that I haven't studied enough and will become one of those people who wasted hundreds of thousands of dollars on a legal education. So, to postpone that worrying, I worried about what to pack for a post-bar trip. Stupid, yes, I know. Seems that worrying comes easy late at night! But, in all seriousness--typing out my worries here, and reading the other postings--has calmed me a bit. Good wishes to all.

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So the Fish Said...

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