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Fifteen Thousand Dollar Baby

The hospital bills are in, and it seems that I procured myself a daughter for the bargain price of fifteen thousand dollars. Luckily, my insurance company has already paid nearly all of it. Suckers.

When you add in all the various baby items that we have either purchased or received, I think the total comes closer to, eh, let's say a nice even twenty grand. This makes Mia the third most expensive thing in my life, and I'm sure she will move into second place before long. As she is so costly, you would think I would be more careful to not do things such as dropping her right on her head.

Ok, I didn't drop her. I did allow her to roll head-first off of a pillow onto a hard floor, producing a very impressive thunk for such a small skull. I am torn between wanting to take her to the doctor for a quick check and CAT scan, and being afraid to call the doctor in case they decide to put her in foster care to get her away from her incompetent mother. I think the best solution is to go to the doctor and then blame the whole thing on Chris.

He really should be more careful.

(In my defense, I was distracted by the poop. There was poop everywhere. You would have been a little distracted too - how can so much poop come out of such a little bottom? And how does it get all the way up her back? Mysteries of the universe.)

Bad Mommy Update: We went to the doctor. She's fine, her legs are freakishly strong, and she has gained 22 ounces in 13 days.

Comments (34)

That lil' thing can't make much poop. Just you wait...

you're not the only one to speak of the riding up the back poopies. totally making me rethink the motherhood thing ;)

Don't worry about heads are made to be squished and pushed and a little run in with the hardwood floor is nothing! best friend's baby rolled off the top of the dryer (long story bearable, the dryer was their changing table) and my friend was horrified. She did the bad mother hyperventilation boogie for an hour. Not to worry...Emily is now a straight A student in 4th grade.

If it makes you feel any better, my daughter fell last night and CUT HER HEAD OPEN. (She's fine, I'm still recovering.) I am far more incompetent than you, and they've let me keep her for 16 months.

Ohhh just wait untill she starts baby food... eeewwww

Oh man. This is a huge fear of mine...glad you did it first ;)

ah, we just got our bill too - apparently Gigi was a bargain at the low, low price of 12.5 thou :) I have a phobia of dropping her - good to hear mia got thunked with little to no wear and tear. G's actually #2 pricewise here since she cost a thousand more then E's truck. *grin*

yes, the babies and the money - they really do go hand in hand. This is what I keep telling people as they are ALREADY prompting me to spit the baby out, before the wedding ring can properly settled on my finger. (ahem. Crazy mother in law.)

Of course, if people really want me to go ahead and get pregnant, I will be glad to take private donations. Should I put that in the wedding program?

And! I love Mia's mohawk in the picture below - she is a rock star already.

My strategy is to ALWAYS blame stuff on the guy. I think it's written in the Woman Code somewhere...and if I remember correctly, it's in bold print.

Oops. ;-)

My mom has a similar story about me as a baby. And I turned out okay (sort of).

I remember the first time my daughter fell of the bed head first... I kept her awake for hours afraid she had a concussion but I was too afraid to take her to the doctor for fear they would think I did it on purpose. Two years later, she's fine - only a minor ding on her forehead. :)

Wow! I paid $18K for my back surgery and all I got was a scar! I think I got ripped off...

And while you feel really crunchy about Mia thumping her wee little head, don't, because it happens to the best of us. Have a healthy attack of guilt, make sure she's okay and realize this is just the first of the many times she's going to hit her head and you're going to feel like crap because you let her slide off the pillow/wear those stupid roller blades/ride that bike/play soccer/ride in that car with that boy!

Glad MIa is okay!

I remember the up the back poops and they were awful.

my sister, oh god i still cringe every time i think of this and it happened 24 years ago, actually (!) fell down a staircase. she was crawling so how she got away is still a mystery to us ... crawled right off the top off the stairs and well, ick. it's a wonder she still talks to us.

Congratulations! You broke your bad mommy cherry!

NOW it's offcial! Welcome to motherhood!

Yeah, I don't think you're officially considered a mom until you've dropped your child at least once, (pretty sure my mother told me that with a slightly guilty tone...hmm) consider blaming that "drunk uncle" that you have. Always a good cop out.

You wanna talk poop - 4 days after we brought my son home the dog (white dog) finally came over to see what the fuss was while I changed the baby on the change table - the dog sat at my feet just a baby let go with some sort of rocket propelled green liquid poop which shot about a foot from his bottom - hung in mid air like a cartoon and dropped onto dog's head. Dog runs from room trailing foul green liquid throughout inlaw's home with wall to wall beige carpet. The amount of poop that come from such a wee child is a mystery. Good luck - ignore all advice - don't worry about small bonks - blame husband - it worked in our home and still does.

HA! What an amateur that Mia is. I can gain WAY more than 22 ounces in 13 days. Of course, she doesn't have access to Doritos and pecan bars, like I do.

I'm so there with you, Beth. Let me tell ya - After a month in the NICU....GOOD GOD.

I love our insurance company.

I'm glad baby is fine. The 1st time we took Faith to the store Randy dropped a box of frozen waffles on her head.

I freaked out. She was fine, but I was still pissed.

I remember riding up the back poopies!! I marvel to this day how much poop can come out of such a little behind. If it's any consolation to you, I have dropped, clunked, and let Princess roll onto the floor producing a resounding "thwack" sound, and she's fine, perhaps she'll need therapy later, but she's fine now :-)

I kept receipts for every pack of diapers I purchased for my first son for about 2 years. That way, when he was 15 and complaining that I owed him money for this, that, or the other, I could whip out the shoe box containing a bill for several thousand dollars.

Boy, that would've showed him. Of course, when baby #2 came I was too tired to care. I have no idea what I did with that box.

I'm sure you're not the only mom who's let a baby roll onto the floor. Especially when there's up-the-back poopage going on.

Should'nt they be priceless? HA!

Ah yes - the poop. Hopefully you haven't experienced the less-than-solid projectile poop. It isn't pretty and it's less pretty when it is on the wall.

Lol... too funny. If it makes you feel better, when I was nannying for my niece when she was just a couple of months old she fell off the changing table while I was changing her. (And I have always been really really careful when I am taking care of kids - esp. infants!). She popped off so fast... I couldn't believe it!
Ummm... $20K?!? I CHANGE MY MIND... I CHANGE MY MIND! ;) Thank god my husband doesn't read this! :)

Babies are very springy and bouncy and it's a good thing because every baby falls on their head at some point. Glad she's okay and glad you survived both the poop and the trauma! I remember one particulary gnarly poop when my son was 6 weeks old. And we were on a plane. This runny poop went all the way up his back and into his hair. Try cleaning up that mess in an airplane lavatory with a wiggly, poopy 6-week old!

Liam has the same freakishly strong legs and pushed himself out from under the belt and headfirst backwards off his changing table into the handy dandy trashcan. Luckily it had one dirty diaper in it to break the fall a bit. He was a ripe 8 weeks old or something. I made my hubby come home from work to take him to the Dr. with me. He was fine. The Dr. told a similar story of his baby falling out of their bed while both parents were in it...they are masters at freaking us the hell out!!

And the back-poopie...just wait til she's sitting so happy in her exersaucer. I've had to wash it out of hair it went so far up the back!!!! :-)

Welcome to motherhood. My son was only 4 days old when my husband fell asleep on the couch with him on his chest. Our son rolled off and hit the hard wood floor. I felt exactly the same about taking him to the doctor - I had visions of them saying "never mind, give him back to us". Of course we did take him in and he was fine.
When our daughter was an infant we spent the night at my inlaws and she fell out of the bed in the middle of the night. Just what you want to share with the inlaws - a bad mommy moment.

no defense needed. i'm no parent, but i've seen many a parent clonk their newborns. there was this one time i clonked the boy i was babysitting in the head. i was putting him on the changing table and misjudged. i felt so awful. i told his parents when they came home and it was all ok, but i thought for sure they'd fire me.

ah, behold the powers of POOP!!

My son could get poop up to his shoulder blades. How in the world could he I would always ask? I think it's a combo of breast milk and the shape of his bottom. Trust me she'll poop up to her hairline at the most inopportune times...they're precious like that. LOL

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