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Quandry

About six months ago, I was dumped by another blogger. It took me a while to figure out that I had been actively and purposefully dumped, but I am quite sure that is what happened. I'm sure there was some reason for it, but I'll be damned if I have any idea what it is. It has been bothering me since I clued in to what was going on - yes, I have been obsessing about this for six months. I hold a mean grudge too. Imagine how long I hold a grudge if you actually do something bad to me? (The answer to that is: forever.) Anyway, I have finally decided to get over it, but first I have a dilemma. Should I say something to the blogger that dumped me?

If this was "real life" I would definitely say something - would have months ago. My goal would not be to rekindle the friendship (I am thankfully somewhat above begging people to be friends with me) and not to be hateful or start any drama, but just to acknowledge that I have been dumped and to possibly, for my own peace of mind, to find out why.

So here's my question. Should I say something? Is it too late, even if it would have been a good idea months ago? Is it too pitiful or needy or drama queen to want to know why? If I'm over it, which I truly am, is there any point in any of this or should I just let it slip away unmentioned?

Tell me, internets. What would you do?

Comments (51)

I would ask. I'm totally a need-to-know kinda person.

i got dumped by another blogger about a year ago. i helped her out with a fundraiser thing she was doing with the understanding that she'd help out me with my cause. well, when the time came around she had ceased being a blog-friend and wouldn't return my emails. i whined about it on my blog but never really confronted her. i'm still holding a grudge, i still lurk around her place now and again. i mean, people change and that's just a part of life, so i guess it shouldn't be that big of a deal. still...

i know that doesn't help you, but it made me feel a little better (not much) getting it out of my system (again). i think she reads you too, btw.

Confront them. Buy a plane ticket and stalk them if you must. But find out WHY.

I can't sleep until you do.

how do you know you've been dumped? like, how does one blogger "dump" another? there's so many "blog politics" that i've sort of noticed (like the whole, if-you-don't-comment-on-my-blog-i'll-stop-commenting-on-your-blog thing) that i just don't feel like writing anything anymore. so, tell me, how did you get "dumped?"

I was dumped a year or so ago by someone whom I'd met up with once. Stupidly, I lent the person some of my books. When it was clear to me that I'd been dumped, I asked for my books back. I was accused of being a stalker. Those were the words. Man, that stung. Insult to injury, I never got my books back. I don't regret the relationship ending because clearly the person had issues, but my books! My lovely books are now in the posession of some dodo who doesn't know the difference between someone being nice and someone standing outside his house at 3am.

Anyway. All to say that if you do decide to ask, be prepared for some fucked up response. People are weird.

Gosh..I might be no help but I too hold grudges...

I would just ask. Nicely and if she/he doesnt respond then screw em! and move on..and if she/he does then you know what happend.

Hmmmm that's a tough one because if it were me, I would totally want to ask. But I probably would not. Because? In the end, its just the internet. And the internet is a weird weird place. (present company and fellow commenters excluded, of course)

I'm guessing you mean your name was removed from the blog roll? I have someone who I read all time and mostly on her end, it's avisa versa thing. She even said, make sure to make an entry saying, " tell me if you link to me and I don't to you--so I can add you." So I did...and nothing. It makes me feel like I'm 15 again, asking myself is it me, my breath, am I boring? Gahhhh I swear I'm 35 and I'm still an insecure person.

I'd ask, but than again I've never been gusty enough to ask her. So be brave for me please......

I personally wouldn't give them the satisfaction to let them know that I cared - or even noticed. Silence is often a good way to make a point.

But if it really bothers you a lot, then ask. Just to get it out of your system.

I agree with Cassie-b. Silence is the best revenge. It makes a HUGE statement. I HATE when I am on the receiving end of silence. So if you can wait it out until your curiosity dies down, I would say don't bother asking.
BTW this is the first time I've ever heard of "blogger politics" what a strange concept. Just keep posting and those who appreciate you will keep reading. Those who don't, need to go find something else to do.

I totally understand the need to ask. I'd want to, as well.

However, having just been through something like this, I'm going to recommend you just leave it. If you are indeed well and truly over it, asking them about it will do no good - it'll just bring it all up again and then you might be upset or angry all over again, because there's a good chance that you'll think they're a crackhead once they tell you why.

This is assuming they even respond to your e-mail, which there's a good chance they won't. Which, again, will probably not really improve your mental state or understanding of the whole situation.

Sometimes, people are a mystery and decide that you don't like them/they don't like you for reasons that only they will ever understand, and there's squat you can do about it. (Except perhaps bitch to your other friends about their crackheadedness and also make fun of their hair.)

I, too, wonder how you know you've been dumped. I used to get comments all the time from another blogger, and now I don't get any comments from them. But my blog is still listed on their blog. Have I been dumped?

Someone should write up the etiquette of blogging one of these days.

Anyway, on to your question. I guess it can't hurt to just send an email saying you hope that everything is ok and wanted to check in with them since you hadn't heard from them in a while. If they ignore that, then you have your answer.

Honestly I wouldn't say anything. I'd just move on. IRL? totally would pursue it but it just seems futile in this medium.

I am a need to know type person, so I would ask. I think though that so much time has passed that it may be better just to say nothing at all.

stalk them
hound them
use up all your pent-up frustration on them
kill the enemy!

oh wait, that's me....

maybe you, being a nice person, oughta just ask.

find out and then tell us all about it.

I agree with Dawnie. Plus? They just don't know what they're missing!

I would ask because I noticed I wasn't on someone's blogroll that I had been on forever. We had been emailing, so I sent a quick note to see if she was mad at me. Turns out she removed her list from "blogroll" and missed me...didn't even know it. Then posted a "if I used to link to you and don't anymore, let me know...seems I missed some people" message. Turns out I wasn't the only one. Since she didn't use her roll to read, she never noticed.

are you sure you are over it?

you are SUCH a scorpio ;)

i don't know. i've been blog-dumped before, but I just leave it alone. i don't really care, and most of the time I don't know the person, so I blog-dump them right back :) heeh

ps. your pretend celebrity's birthday was sometime in the last week. i think i read it in the paper yesterday. i hope you celebrated in style ;)

are you prepared not to get a satisfactory answer? or to get an answer that might upset you more than not knowing?

I would ask, but then be prepared to let it bother me for about 5 seconds and let it go.

And also, if you have no intention of being friends with this person, do you really want to open communications again?

I'd say leave it. Water off a ducks back and all that - Besides, it's totally their loss.

I would totally want to know. I'm obsessively neurotic that way too. And it would, and has driven me nuts (Why did they stop visiting--am I not funny anymore? Did I not comment enough on THEIR blog? What, what??). But I probably wouldn't ask. People seem to tend to treat blogs as TV shows that they watch for a bit, then move on, and as I much as bemoan the fact that I wish blogfriends were more like IRL friends, there just seems to be a different code of conduct in blogland. Which totally sucks, because I have a tendency to get emotionally invested, even rationally knowing that I shouldn't, so I tend to care too much about people who may "dump" me at any second with nary a second thought. Which sucks, but you did the right thing by moving on, IMHO.

Completely different direction--is it possible that the "dumping" happened around the time you started blogging about pregnancy/parenthood? It could be that this person either isn't interested in that phase of life, or maybe is having a difficult time with infertility/adoption/parenting, and just can't deal for whatever reason. I know alot of infertility blogs have lamented the change in their blogfriends after they finally achieve parenthood, so that seems rather common. Just a thought.

I didn't break up with you Beth! But if I did, I would hope that you would devote an entire post to me. How flattering would that be?!

I would leave it alone. Everyone has given good advice here. There may be a good and/or reasonable explanation and if the dumper hasn't made any attempt to explain, just let 'em go. You probably weren't even broken up with! They probably just forgot or got wrapped up in something. Or maybe they were feeling neglected and decided to cheat a little but then they fell in love and now they are too embarassed to come back and tell you. Hmmm. Blog etiquette sure is confusing.

wavybrains: regarding your second paragraph (well, really, your whole post!), i e-mailed beth a couple of hours ago about the exact same stuff. i'm thinking it's more what your second paragraph refers to.

While I agree with Dawnie, I must ask - how can someone, whether there is a birth pending or not, stop reading YOUR blog?

Boy do I hate not knowing...

I may be wrong but if it's who I think it is - I'd ask - only because they seem to be a 'together' person in other aspects of their life.

If it's NOT who I'm thinking about - then I would echo other's responses by saying that if I cared, I'd want to know - if it was a blessing in disguise (meaning I really didn't want to associate with them anymore anyway) - then I wouldn't.

Whatever you do - let me/us/the internet know!!!

I get grumpy about it and then I forget it. there have been so many times that I've had nothing to say, that I wouldn't be surprised if the ten people who actually do link to me ran off. Actually, I have no idea how many folks do link to me, I know I have regular lurkers, but few commenters.

i'd let it go.

i was recently there, and it turns out that the friend in question didn't consider it "dumping" me. in fact, she considered it to be me dumping her. after that, i was just in a bad place and regretted ever mentioning it.

time heals all, but nothing heals a fellow blogger letting everyone know your business.

you want I should take um out back and beat the crap outta them? - and then ask them for you? - I really don't mind doing the diry work

You've been obsessing about this for 6 months, so clearly you're not over it. And since, in the past, you've confronted people for piece of mind and to allow yourself to let go, why should this person be any different? Because they're a blogger? There's a person BEHIND the blogger, you know. A person with an answer, I'm sure. ;)

I wouldn't sweat it. I am sure you can't neccessarily link all of your readers on your site. Maybe it is the same with the dumper.

I only link to blogs that I find interesting or amusing and its normally not so I can be linked vice versa. What's interesting in my life may not be interesting to the people whose blogs I read. So be it.

Hmmm... well, it's the Internet right. People come and go, I wouldn't get too upset about it let alone hold a grudge. Same with discussion boards, chat rooms whatever... sometimes it's time to move on. Don't lose sleep over it, it's not worth it. It is after all just a blog.
N.

Not only did I get my ass "dumped" by a blogger whom I'd been friendly with for several years, she did so very, very publicly. I never said a word to her about it. Never bothered to, even though it hurt my feelings and bugged the shit out of me and made me want to say nasty shit about her.

I wouldn't give her the satisfaction. So. There. Hmmph.

Real life? Sooooo different sometimes from the blogworld.

Hmmm. I think I need more details. Did ya'll IM with each other? Email? Or just comment back and forth?

I know your pain because I have been dumped from your blogroll and am too hysterical to speak *sob* Was it something I said? Please be my friend... *wails and gnashes teeth* *sends money*

I just dumped a blogger, too. Hope they don't find out.

I'll never dump you, funny lady. I super-promise.

Ask and then spill it! I am a grudge holder as well, and I never ever forget when someone has wronged me, either intentionally or not. I'd ask and if you get an answer you don't like, we'll help you get over it by bashing them with you ;)

If it was me I'd ask.

I am one of those people that just has to know. And also I'm one of those people who always knows when it's better to keep my mouth shut, but I almost always choose not to, lol

So I'd have to ask, even if doing so risked starting a drama, lol

Once I had the same thing happen to me. I met this really cool person on her blog and I sent her email all the time, all day long. And I sent her special emails on holidays and stuff, and I even sent some pictures of myself in various poses because I thought it would be cute and she would like to see different aspects of me. then I wrote this HUGE poem about her where I made a meatphor to two people running away together where one was like a total servent to the other and had to dress like a rabbit the whole time.

Then she stopped writing back.

And she called the police.

Do what I did, Beth.

Tell the judge you are insane.

How does one blogger dump another? Gosh, I've probably been dumped and don't even know it! I hope I haven't dumped anyone...
Seriously...post enough details to illustrate what a blog-dump is but not to reveal who the dumper was.
I'm getting confused now...gotta go.

Go all Lindsey Lohan on them and write a song about it. Then, she/he can get all Hillary Duff and write a retort song.

I'd find someone new. And cooler. Then rub their face in it. Er. or not.

I think saying something to the blogger isn't totally out of the question, but I wouldn't get all "in your face" about it. Just knowing why might help you, though.

i wouldnt bother, who needs em? you got us :) it's their loss...thats just my opinion though.

well?! what'd you decide? this internerd is wonderin'! :)

The fact that it matters so much to you will only bug this blogger. I'd probably just let it go and move on, you have far more important things going on in your life right now, and probably so does this blogger, who I'm sure has absolutely nothing against you.

I would do nothing. Writing them to ask them why and still not getting a response would make me feel like way too much of a chump.

Even though you have a zillion comments here I feel I need to say something.
Resentments kill us from the inside. When we hold resentments it does nothing towards the one we hold it against. Does it make them hurt? or feel bad or regret what they did? NO? It took me a very long time to understand this, but it is true. I learend to let go of those grudges. Once I did I could feel more serenity. How did I do this you might wonder? I forgave them. No not to them, but to God, and to myself. I did it not for them, but for me. IT is important to do things for our own mental stability. Now when people do things that make me angry I remind myself that it is not important and pray that they can be better people and I let it go.

Most people who "dump" me like to make a big ordeal about it, complete with horns and whistles and little elves carrying banners.

I've had a few internet "friendships" that seemed to go by the wayside, though I never knew why.

Was this like a friend that just one day unblogrolled you? If it really bothers you, then I say ask.

But then again, perhaps you could ask yourself why it is bothering you. (Which I totally understand because we're human!)

I'm late and you already posted that you decided not to ask- but I want to throw in that I DID ask recently and I'm glad you didn't bother to ask your dumper. So lame! I got the whole "it's not you, it's me" song and dance. GAH
I keep telling myself that I just don't care when someone deletes me from their blogroll, but I do! I do care!
Ahem
So anyway, That is all.

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So the Fish Said...

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