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Four years and 24 days ago, a good friend of mine passed away. He had a massive heart attack and died within minutes. He was 25.

He and I were nothing alike. He was loud, outgoing, funny; I am quiet, introverted and serious. We had almost nothing in common. We disagreed on almost everything. I have no idea how we ended up friends, but somehow, we were kindred spirits. We used to joke that we were each other's evil twin. He was one of the closest friends I have ever had, closer than people I have known much longer because we could, and did, talk about anything.

I've been trying to describe what it was like when he died, but even four years later I can't bring myself to do it. It was bad. For a long time, I held to this very highly-developed fantasy where he showed up at my house one day and said he had just wanted to get away and I screamed at him for what he had put his mother through. I had another one where we would find among his belongings a stash of letters to be opened upon his death. I could not believe that he was just... gone. I could not believe that he would just leave me like that, and for a long time I could not forgive him for it.

I did denial, and anger, and finally acceptance, because what else is there to do? But, October 14 has been a grim, black day for me ever since. One that I feel and dread coming every year. Except this year. This year I forgot. I remembered this morning, and I felt awful, like maybe I had forgotten him. Like maybe in giving up the terrible way I missed him at first, I had given up missing him at all. I haven't forgotten, and I haven't stopped missing him, and I haven't stopped trying to live the things I learned from him, but this year I was too busy living my life to mark his death. I think that would have made him happy.

I posted this last year, but it is worth posting again. Right click and save please, to hear him sing.

Miss you, Peanut.
Like crazy, baby.

Comments (23)

It is amazing the things our innocent little babies can do for us. I am happy that life is good for you, and I am sure you friend is too.

We used to be the Fab 5, but then Stacy died our senior year in college. A brain aneurysm, I still don't understand why her as opposed to the rest of us. We may be four but she'll always be with us. Your friend is indeed happy for you.

I am sure that he smiles and sings to Mia to let you sleep a few moments more on those days you need it. And that he is happy to see you happy. When we can forget the pain enough to celebrate the life, that is truly beautiful. I am happy for you, and I may show this to my mother, since she needs it right now.

Oh sweetie *hugs* Three years ago October 2, a very dear friend of mine passed away in an accident that I can only describe as tragic and horrific. It was 5pm, downtown Denver, and he was waiting for the light to change. The light did change and he crossed when it said to. A bus rounded the corner. The driver never saw Elliott. Elliott worked for my dad and was a pivotal person in my high school years. He was a shoulder of support while my grandfather died of leukemia. He was always kind to me, even though other people made fun of me. He danced with me. Made me laugh. He gave the best hugs. I had a huge crush on him that developed into a deep, protective love as we grew older and became adults.

He meant the world to everyone he met. Smart, funny, articulate, and beautiful. That was Elliott. His death shocked all of us who went to school with him. He wasn't supposed to die. Someone with so much life wasn't supposed to go so soon. I still wish I could bump into him when I'm back home. But the closest I come is the cemetery.

I'm sure that nothing could make him happier than you living your life so well and so joyfully.

"People may not remember exactly what you did, or what
you said, but they will always remember how you made them feel." - Unknown
There was someone you could say anything to, and share secrets. There is nothing better. you don't need to remember his death because you have his life. The triggers that happen during the course of everyday life that refresh your memory and make him alive again are what's important. Things that you do as a result of having known him are what keeps him close to you. Time will not take those memories.

I think thats what they mean when they say "Time heals all wounds". We are not made to hurt forever, and that is a good thing.

I don't have anything profound or insightful to say, just that I'm sorry and also so glad that you have found a small way to move forth...her name is Mia, I believe. I'll bet she knows him ;)

Its not that you care about him any less that the day slipped by. But that you are strong enough to go on living.

Rolls reversed you wouldn't want anyone to stop and "die a little" each year on your day.... course not.

Sounds like the healing has come, we never forget and we keep them alive by talking about them. Thanks for the I will tell someone about how great my daddy was.

Does the date really matter? You remember your friend everyday - not just the day he died. That's really much more important.

Yes, we should honor the dead and all, but it is the remembering, the telling the stories of how they have affected and improved our lives; the stories of who they were and why they were important in our lives; that's what keeps them alive. If only in memory.

But I'll be happy to share my stories with anyone and everyone so they'll know my cherished and long gone loved ones. I hope you do the same. I'm here to listen, also.

Sorry for your loss. I'm sure your friend would be glad to know you have joy in your life.

Well that made me tear up a little bit, it's just one of those days. But I'm sure your friend would be happy with how happy you are right now with Miss Mia.

I am so sorry sweetheart...

You've moved me to tears...

A beautiful entry...

falls under the whole can men and women be friends question i have on my blog.. im sorry for your loss

"this year I was too busy living my life to mark his death. I think that would have made him happy."

that is one of the most beautiful things i've read...instantly made me cry.

perhaps you have a resentment about yourself that you feel you did wrong to him prior to him leaving. I think if you were to look into it and figure out what it was and then forgive yourself you will be able to let the resentment go.

Today would have been my daughter's 27th birthday. She passed away 20 years ago. Your post touched me in many ways. Those first years were indeed grim. Now I celebrate each and every anniversary with happiness. She was wonderful and lovely and I adored her. But yes, life does go on. Eventually.
(see my blog for a small memorial)

Oh boy - so sad. Amazing at the spectrum of emotions that anniversaries bring.

Where is my kleenex?

Sounds like he had as good a friend in you as you had in him.

I had a good friend die of ovarian cancer at the age of 26. I still have dreams about her and in the dreams she is either sick but alive, or she is alive and admits to faking her death. I'm not sure why five years later I can't make myself let this go. I guess that's just the indelible mark that some people leave on our lives.

I know that he would be happy that you were living your life with your family. He would want you to move on. You will NEVER forget him. Believe me.

My boss who was a good girlfriend too, we were literally dancing on the tables the night before her surgery...and then the very next day on the surgery table, she died...she was 35, I am still in shock...its been since 1992...but I never forget her! We had fun dancing on the tables! And I will never get over the shock!

Crying over here too. What a wonderful friendship, and what a lovely post. I think he would be happy too.

I don't believe we ever let go of those we love. Sometimes a smell, a song, the wind blowing the curtains around the room--remind me of a time, a place--them. Lucky you for having made all those memories.

I know your pain, and I'm sorry.

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So the Fish Said...

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