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Purely hypothetical question

(Have you Delurked yet? No reading new posts until you delurk, and don't try to cheat because I. Will. Know.)

Ok internets, I am taking a poll. Please review the following hypothetical situation:

You and your charming partner have a baby, let's say she is five and a half months old and as cute as all get out. One night, the baby starts fussing at 11:00. Your charming partner, who had been awake and reading, quickly turns out his booklight, rolls over and pretends to be alseep while you (who actually were asleep) wake up and climb out of bed to attend to the beautiful child's diaper.

What is the appropriate response to indicate your displeasure to your charming partner?

a) swift, hard kick to the nads
b) no sex for one year
c) swift, hard kick to the nads and no sex for one year
d) tell the entire internet what he did

Comments (116)

Hrmmm... all very good choices. While I tend to lean the the direction of (d) for it's humiliation factor option (c) definitely has the "long term effect" factor. Again... all very good choices.

Gaah! *re-delurks as to not upset the Beth*

*I'd go with D and A.

But that's because I am neither charming nor husband.

D.

Def D, with the repeated verbal threat of A. :) Hope you catch a nap today!

I have to say all of the above....

c & d as well as other various verbal threats thrown in...

Well... A would prevent sex for awhile, if you hit him hard enough. And no sex for one year really could end up being a punishment to yourself as well, so to me, that eliminates A through C leaving D to be the smartest choice.

SHAME ON CHRIS!

I go for D -
And I belive I made the same choice as you.

I think the appropriate response would be positive reinforcemnet of his good behavior. Like When he does get up and go to the child, When he returns you should have sex with him. He would be more inclinded to get up the next time a diaper needs changing. Thge next time he goes to change the diaper, have sex with him. It's a pattern. Positive reinforcement.

Definately D. You have a baby less than a year old so the no sex thing is pretty much a given with or without Chris's shameful act and therefore not much of a punishment at all. As for kicking the nads, you don't want to potenially damage the goods in case you want to have baby number 2 at some point. Besides a kick is momentary, telling the internet is forever.

Shame on him! Did he think he'd get away with it?

Can I choose 2 because he really deserves C and D!!

I'm going with all of the above, considering that I've been in the same situation.

Totally D.

e) none of the above.

Mia is a blessing, and so is Chris. She was probably hungry anyway, diapers dont usually wake up babies.

I like William's idea (William - please call my wife. She calls it "positive reinforcement bullshit," and we haven't had sex in a year. So any advice you can give her is appreciated. Thanks, dude)

Anyway, I'm guessing you went with D. Hypothetically.

LOL! I'd say D. You don't want to punish yourself with B or C ;)

D...because y'all have to many readers that he will go hide in the corner and never do it again :)

I'd let him have it. All of it. But don't let my husband read this because I'm pretty sure I've done that to him before.

Hmmm...my charming partner wouldn't notice B because we do have a 4.5 month old baby that is as cute as all get out and basically he hasn't been getting any anyway. I wouldn't want to jeopardize our getting another baby that is cute as all get out in the future so, A (and by default, C) is out. So, yes, D would do it!!

e) all of the above.

Plus, take the evening off tonight. Hand him the beautiful child as he walks in, with your purse in hand.
Let him deal with the fact that she won't take a bottle for at least three hours before you go home....smelling of chocolate, and wine, and fun.

c AND d. duh. :P

All of the above - but would that be two years no sex and two kicks to the nads? Yikes!

D, and seriously threaten A. If he does it again? Follow through on A.

E. all of the above - twice.

Oooh, I would definitely pick D. Also some dirty looks.

I would go with C and D. Those are great choices.

Is there an E) all of the above?! Because Chris... shame shame shaammmmmme on you!!!!

Well, in the case of my partner, who abhors everything blog and internet related (yea, he's a weirdo like that) option c) would be the best...but since we're hypothetically speaking about 'someone' who actually DIGS the internet (and everything blog related) a combination answer is required.

C) AND D).

Chris (ahem...Partner...I mean)...tsk, tsk, tsk!

D and A work for me!

What about option e) all of the above?

The nads deserve some attention...LOL

I love your blog, just haven't had the nerve to post a comment. So thank you for forcing me to delurk and come face to face with my fears.

I think you should walk around in lingerie AND cut him off....that should learn him!

Well, hypothetically, the internet knows now. I thoroughly agree that any future occurences of this hypothetical situation should hypothetically be punished by any or all of A - C. Hypothetically, of course.

heehee. d seems like the option of choice. (and while i would be tempted by c i do think it might be a tad excessive...but tempting, i'm sure!)

William: I knew you were a man before I finished reading your comment.

Frank: You're funny, start a blog.

Chris: Sssssssssss. That's me hissing at you. Flowers, babysitter, tout suite man!

My husband pulls that stunt every now and then. But if he hears me do "the sigh" he suddenly and miraculously wakes up (because he knows my tolerance for such nonsense is wearing thin). But then we're both up which is no good either. I dunno. If I was feeling mean, I'd say E) all of the above but since I'm feeling rather benevolent, I'd say D) tell the entire internet because humilation is a very effective teacher.

this calls for the big guns....
no remote privlages :)

All of the above?

I'd do exactly what you did, which I assume was A & D.

You don't want to do anything that involves YOU also not having sex for a year. Nobody wins on that one.

So, just tell the Internet!! :-)

I'm with Jensen! SHAME ON CHRIS!!

Just for that you should get lie-ins on both days of the next 4 week-ends!

Delurking, because you made me. But I think I've commented on here before. :)

I wouldn't choose no sex for a year, because that's no sex for a year for me too! *sniff*

I would choose kicking him in the nads. And in addition, I would bring the smelly diaper back to bed with me (all closed up, of course, so the smell would get out, but not the dirty), and place it behind his head so when he rolled over, he would have a face full of smelly.

And then I'd tell the internet.

And then the internet would go over to his site and say, "What a dirty, rotten thing to do! Pretend you are sleeping so you don't have to get up!"

D...definitely D. Plus, add "the look" for at least a week. You know, "the look" that all husbands are afraid of. Practice in the mirror for awhile until you get it just right for maximum effect.:)

Just remind Chris that "Paybacks a bitch". And hope he doesn't fall asleep first, That one always gets them, makes one tend to sleep with one eye open..:O)

I choose another option: Option:ALWAYSWORKS: put your cold feet in the middle of his back and push really hard, thereby ejecting said father from bed to go get the baby!

Of course, we've never tried it (evil grin)

I choose D!

Rebecca in Missouri(delurking)

DELURKING! lol
I say A & D and call him an ass just for good measure. lol

hmmm... definitely D, but threaten him with A so much that he walks around with a frying pan covering said nads.

consider me de-lurked. did i de-lurk yesterday? i forget. i meant to.

You forgot e) all of the above. What a turkey!

Chris, I know you're reading these and that was totally the MAN thing to do!

Delurking to ask if I can choose both C and D . . .

Delurking to say:

2 years is really more appropriate, but if limited to the 1 year criteria, I have to go with c and d.

Um, where is: E) All of the above ??? Because I would totally go for that one!!!!!

D, definitely, with a good kick in the ass to boot. That way you're not damaging the goods. ;-)

And Chris, bad, very bad form.

I gotta go with the swift kick to the nads and telling the internet.

(E) A lovely gift of a day at the spa for The Fish.... And a hearty "good luck to ya!" on your way out the door.

For shame, Cactus!

delurking and to say definitely D, but with verbal threats of A for a long time.

I'm just here to say...join my club, Beth. Our husbands are awesome guys, but sometimes awesome can mean totally no fucking fair. We fall asleep on the couch A LOT and guess who has to drag herself upstairs with a bottle every single time in the middle of the night? It's not the awesome husband, for sure.

All of the above?
(jk)

Well, D, obviously... but also don't forget the guilt factor. Try something along the lines of quietly saying, "I'm not angry, I'm just disappointed" and then bookmark something pretty for yourself on his laptop.

Or you could get an early start on the "I'm going to remember this come Mother's Day" speeches.

I would give a very hard kick in the shins. You might want another baby one day and shouldn't do any damage to the 'nads. :-)

Delurking and comment- (e) leave Diaper on his side of bed for fun wake-up surprise...I'm impressed that b and c were even options-you're married, with a kid and sex is still an option? CONGRATS!

Next time give him a good hard push in the middle of his back "Your turn!" and then roll over and go back to sleep.

You need a 4th option, which would be ALL OF THE ABOVE. I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT. I am going to bitch him OUT VIA COMMENTS IN HIS BLOG!!!!!!

clearly I meant fifth option and I am a moron. College is sucking my will to LIVE!

I'd vote for D also - if you want more kids of course. If not, I'd go for A.

C and D. I'd also make some plan for when he's in a deep sleep such as sticking a few pieces of ice in his underwear to wake him up. But that's just me. :)

I am sooo disappointed in him. Did you guilt the hell out of him? I hope you did. I would tend towards C AND D. Big dope.

Definently D!

Blessings!
Wendy

(I didn't read all comments, shame on me if anyone else already said this.)

The clear choice is E: place whatever was in diaper in the shoe he will be wearing to work tomorrow (clearly accidentally, I mean, hey! You were practically sleep-walking!)

I accomplish my delurking duty.

I suggest B, since it could lead to sleeping problems :D

Definitely c.

I will go with C and D! shame on Chris!

ALL OF THE ABOVE! My hubby has done that a ton of times. I was up with a sick child last night until 4 a.m. Then when he woke up, I asked hubby to take care of him for a few hours -- hubby got 9 hours of sleep last night. I got 3. He said, he had to take a conference call. Grrrr. How hard is it to turn on the damn tv for a 3 year old and give him something to eat?

IF this is the first time he's ever done this, you are so freaking lucky. I can count ON ONE HAND how many times, in our child's life, my hubby has gotten up with the child in the middle of the night.

i say D-- try having him leave the 4 month old baby on the changing table ALONE cuz she pooped and it was "gross" so he didnt wanna do it-- and got mad when you said-- if she pooped change her and so he left the house.. while i ran so fast to the back bedroom where she was happily on the changing table.. we got rid of the man ENTIRELY!--but D works for me

def. D. Yes, D, followed by loudly exclaiming "Oh, your FAther!" every time he walks thru the door.

A and D
plus maybe pushing him out of bed and making him do the changing while promising to withold sex for one year.

Okay, I have to admit that I have done that. But only because I was TIRED damnit!

Hahaha! I love hypothetical questions that involve swift kicks to the nads! You don't see those too often.

Eireann and I discussed this on the phone earlier and I know she left a comment, or at least intended to, but UH! All of the ABOVE! No sex! Kick in the nads! BLOGGING AS REVENGE IS GOOD CLEAN FUN.

Ahem.

All of the above. And then some.

Other-
Charming partner is now required to do 10pm-7am duty for 10 consecutive days.

E.) All of the above (and twice for some).

I so remember my hubby doing the same thing. On more than one occasion. :groan: I used to get all ticked off and want to throw just about everything at him, but well, I don't know. It took too much energy.

How about Chris now has to give you 10 "I will have the diaper duty this time, sweetheart" coupons, and you can use them WHENEVER.

But after that? He can ask you to not mention this again. Don't worry, we won't forget. :)

D, of course!
Also, I'm not really a lurker am I? I mean, I've commented before so that means I don't need to delurk.

Hmmm...I like your choices, but me personally would choose GUILT.

I'd plant my very cold feet right smack on his backside.

D with a side order of C.

And cold feet in the sensitive spots. Gotta go with the cold feet. Nothing gets a guy out of bed faster.

all of the above. but if you were sleeping, how do you know he did that?

None. Been there done that. When your breastfeeding there is soo little the guy can do with the baby anyways. Now he should help you cleam the house, cook dinner and do laundry to give you a break so you can just enjoy her or even better him take her so you can actually do these things and do them right. Hey when you have a baby just being able to scrub the toliet alone is a nice break! No sex...well thats damaging to your marriage making things worse so thats not an option. Plus, if she woke up it wasnt for a wet diaper...babies could care less about that stuff...she was hungry!

And THAT was just about the funniest thing I've read in a few months! Delurking to say "Hi!"

Um, all of the above, and then I'd smash a diaper full of poo on his chest while he was sleeping.

I'd say D, with possibly A mixed in, and GUILT. Lots and lots of GUILT.

Yep, someone said it: there is so little Chris...Er, I mean, Charming Partner... can do with baby Mia - therefore he has to do what he can, and that involves dealing with dirty dipars.

I also like the popping the dirty dipar close to him so he gets a good whiff option.

Yay. I de-lurked.

Have a good day, and try not to kill him. He's cheesed you off but I bet he's ok overall and you still love him regardless, right?

I's go with D and the follow up with C JUST for good measure. Make sure he REALLY gets it.Y'know?

My husband once rolled over and put on headphones and turned his cd player on when the baby started crying. I guess he wanted me to think he fell asleep that way or something so that I wouldn't get pissed that he didn't get up to get my daughter while she screamed in her room. So, I tried to smother him to death with a pillow. Obviously it did not work, he's a tad stronger than me. But I still say he deserves it.

I've always found that they threat of imminent retribution is far better than instant retaliation. Then you can get him when he least expects it AND you have an excuse to do something evil when you're having a bad day and he's all happy and stuff. or taking a nap on the couch in the middle of the day. And he gets to live in fear for a while and we all know that will break any man down.

I'm required by the Code of Brothers to vigorously defend his inaction as a product of exhaustion and deep REM sleep, and to protect his nads at all costs. Unless, of course, it's funny to watch him get kicked, in which case I'll opt for (A). Please post video

In our household we have a policy - I get up in the night to tend to my "boss" whenever she becons and hubby stays in bed (actually he sleeps in a seperate room, so he doesn't even know how many times I get up). We do this 'cause my boss (the baby) lets me sleep during the day, but hubby's boss does not (that and hubby does not do well in a sleep-deprived state, and he'd never hear the monitor over his own snoring anyways). Besides, the boob is a mighty powerful tool when it comes to getting a sick baby back to sleep (which is just about the only time she wakes up in the middle of the night these days). Unfortunately my hubby has yet to make his functional - grrrrr!

C and D. I would have changed the diaper and then gotten back into bed and made a snide comment, because that's what I do.

Moslty I'd love till it was my turn to pull the same thing on him.

I'd be upset too.

Tell the internet, b/c:
a) guarantees me he won't be in the mood for sex
b) guarantees me that I will have to become entirely too friendly with my vibrator for my own pleasure
c) guarantees both a&b

Yea, go with d

I think we might be married to the same man ...?

How about you post (good girl) and I'll knee him in the balls?

delurking as ordered.

Is there some way to arrange for him to say, step in a dirty diaper left on his side of the bed in the floor in the morning when he is groggy and not paying attention? so he then gets the whole waking-up-to-clean-up-poo-off-a-human-experience?

ok so if you go with D, which you have, then I would say that takes care about B without having to do A!!!
happy de-lurking week!!!
cheers

Delurking. I likey your blog! Nuff said.

LOL, Im with chris on this one. Oh and i'm pretty sure thtas its only FISH that have nads.
Comon clearly the old chap had a hard days work flying the cubicle.and then well, you know how it is being a guy eh. You hit the sealy posturpedic with your fav nappy story and whammo, off to dreams of pamela sue anderson, giving you mouth to *ahem* mouth, ya thats it mouth , resucitation. And yeah well wifey will attend to that ,prolly entered into the equation. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA yeah hes fucked, KICK him. But dont say I said so.

A: well, my partner would never have nads.

B: If my partner isn't have sex for a year doesn't that mean i'm not having sex for a year as well?

c: She still woudlnt have nads and my going without sex for a year hardly solves the problem.

D: given this four choices I'm going to have to go with D.

If this were true (which he claims it isn't, you know, of course), I would say all of the above. Because I am EVIL!

hmmmmm... well I'd say all of the above..

P.S. *delurkning*

I honor of de-lurking week - c all of the above. That said, my husband was worthless when all 3 of my children were infants. I think he was afraid of them and his excuse was always I'm not equipped (even for the first who was not breast fed...) So - that situation that you described - happened on a regular basis. Oh, and I went back to work at 4 mos w/#1 and 3 - so the middle of the night he needs his sleep thing - didn't go over well. Oh well, once they got older he turned into a great Dad. But that's not what you asked right? Aren't you glad I usually lurk;)

A and D Why do they do that? Hubs did that to me too, all I could think was How stupid do you think I am.

First off, I've been guilty of the same thing. (yes, I was a horrible, nasty, evil, bad, bad husband)

I'm with the person who recommended wearing lingerie around the house, but not letting him have any.

Let me also suggest what I call "the cat method". Take a small spray bottle of water, and place it on your nightstand. When the baby cries, and he doesn't get up - spray him with the water bottle. (while it was never used on me, I've heard that its a very effective tool for getting people awake and out of bed).

First off, I've been guilty of the same thing. (yes, I was a horrible, nasty, evil, bad, bad husband)

I'm with the person who recommended wearing lingerie around the house, but not letting him have any.

Let me also suggest what I call "the cat method". Take a small spray bottle of water, and place it on your nightstand. When the baby cries, and he doesn't get up - spray him with the water bottle. (while it was never used on me, I've heard that its a very effective tool for getting people awake and out of bed).

First off, I've been guilty of the same thing. (yes, I was a horrible, nasty, evil, bad, bad husband)

I'm with the person who recommended wearing lingerie around the house, but not letting him have any.

Let me also suggest what I call "the cat method". Take a small spray bottle of water, and place it on your nightstand. When the baby cries, and he doesn't get up - spray him with the water bottle. (while it was never used on me, I've heard that its a very effective tool for getting people awake and out of bed).

First off, I've been guilty of the same thing. (yes, I was a horrible, nasty, evil, bad, bad husband)

I'm with the person who recommended wearing lingerie around the house, but not letting him have any.

Let me also suggest what I call "the cat method". Take a small spray bottle of water, and place it on your nightstand. When the baby cries, and he doesn't get up - spray him with the water bottle. (while it was never used on me, I've heard that its a very effective tool for getting people awake and out of bed).

First off, I've been guilty of the same thing. (yes, I was a horrible, nasty, evil, bad, bad husband)

I'm with the person who recommended wearing lingerie around the house, but not letting him have any.

Let me also suggest what I call "the cat method". Take a small spray bottle of water, and place it on your nightstand. When the baby cries, and he doesn't get up - spray him with the water bottle. (while it was never used on me, I've heard that its a very effective tool for getting people awake and out of bed).

delurking and saying
C go for broke

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