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This is random even for me

You want a plot, go read a novel.

While Mia was napping (ever so briefly) on my lap I took notes for this post in Sharpie on the back of a recent bank statement. I present the list verbatim as a sort of Preview of Coming Attractions. I would not blame you a bit if you decided to leave after the previews.

The List:
condoms
RSVP-fuck
cat puke
track suit
teeth
Santa - half my genetic material

Still here? Ready? Ok, here we go.

- Can someone please explain to me why I dreamed that we were having people over and therefore had to hide our monstrous stash of condoms? I haven't seen a condom outside of a drugstore in what? 10 years? Apparently my subconscious is advocating for a change in birth control around the Cactus-Fish household.

- You know what pisses me right the fuck off? People who don't RSVP. I go to the trouble to send you an invitation, how the fuck hard is it to say "thank you for your kind invitation, but I will not be attending?" Or "no thank you." Or "fuck you bitch, I don't want to go to your stupid party." When I had my baby shower last summer, three fucking people did not bother to RSVP. These people are dead to me. Also, failure to RSVP seems to cause me to say fuck a lot. Who knew?

- I went down to the basement this morning to switch the laundry (I don't think my washing machine has stopped running for more than an hour at a time in the last 5 months) and discovered a cat puke fiesta unlike anything I have ever encountered in my 25 years as a cat owner. Ya'll, it's amazing. There are puddles, there is spatter, there is a lovely zig-zag pattern that covers a running 10 feet of carpet. I would post a picture, but I can't get it all into one shot. I just thought you should know.

- Someone dear to me gave me a velour track suit for Christmas. This is the second velour track suit I received as a gift within a year. Um, no. I am not much for fashion and my personal style lately is baby puke chic, but I will not for any reason wear a track suit of any variety. Now if you are a fan of track suits, I'm sure you make it look hot. I look like I have removed my ass and replaced it with Kansas.

- Mia appears to be approximately four minutes away from sprouting a couple of teeth. You all wanna lie to me and tell me it will feel like feathers and angel kisses on my poor, abused boobs? I'm afraid of the teeth, very afraid.

- Santa didn't bring Mia anything this year, and if you have a problem with that you can stuff it. A certain member of my family, and I won't say who but let's just assume this is someone who may have supplied half of my genetic material, will not let it drop. All I have heard since I admitted that Santa was skipping us is "oh poor Mia." Poor Mia my smokin' ass. She is five months old and already has more plastic crap than she can possibly cram into her mouth, and if it isn't going into her mouth, she ain't interested. She was also obscenely spoiled by my entire family and I doubt I have made it longer than two days since she was born without heading out to buy her something. Santa will come next year when at least she can enjoy putting the boxes her gifts come in on her head.

- Excuse typos please, I have typed this entire thing with both of my thumbs in Mia's mouth and it is not quite as easy as it looks.

Comments (46)

That post made me giggle...at work..and that is a tough feat on a day like today....which, for the record, is the bitchiest day EVAH!

I have spent...um...about 3/4 of the day so far looking for a new hairstyle...taxpayer dollars, hard at work!

DITTO on the track suit. Good luck with them teeth...youch!

I'm really sorry you couldn't get all of the cat puke into one picture, because I totally want to see that. Whichever one of the cats that is responsible for it totally outdid themselves. My cats are such puking slackers.

I agree on the RSVP thing. Seriously. How hard is it? I had to track down some people to get RSVPs for my wedding. And I had kindly provided a card and a self-addressed stamped envelope for their convenience! Jerks!

And I agree that skipping Santa this year was a good idea. You can probably even get away with it next year, because she'll have no idea what it means anyway. Save your money for that Barbie Dream House she's going to want when she's seven!

I liked this post...it appeals to my lack of concentration these days.

My cat is sick. I just spent $250 at the vet yesterday and am shoving antibiotics down her throat and putting drops in her eyes. This is perhaps what you get for taking in a stray. Poor thing.

My oldest was born in September. Being 3 months old at Christmas, the only thing Santa brought was one of those battery-operated balls that bounce crazily all over. He ignored it, but my husband and I loved scaring the pets with it.

That is all.

Well, I thought Santa was going to skip Jayla this year...besides, she gets new stuff everyday and cannot even begin to think about where it actually came from. But, alas, my parents weren't having it. They apparently wrote Santa and explained that we would be at their house this year. So, Santa dropped a couple hundred dollars of gifts at their house for her. Too bad Santa didn't buy us an SUV to fit the new stuff in with the old stuff that we "had" to bring over on the 8-hour road trip. Now, Santa has to pay a few shipping costs...

anything that pukes in our house and does not carry my DNA gets removed.
You're a kind woman to keep the cat-pukers.

I agree with the no gifts under 1 thing....stupid people.

I really got excited over RSVP-fuck thing.... thought maybe Chris has a new rule.
I totally agree with the RSVP thing. WTF? Just say something, since I asked. Even a "we don't know if we can make it or not, but I wanted to tell you we're gonna try" is better than dead air.

The teeth don't hurt until she finds out that she's hurting you when she accidentally bites. Then they do it for fun. That's when mine got weaned...but fast.

I was at the grocery store right before Christmas and there was this family (Mother and 2 adult daughters) shopping in matching velour tracksuits. 2 had brown ones and one blue. I've never seen anything sadder. These were otherwise attractive women apparently overwhelmed by the stress of the holidays!

Hey it is the week after the most holiday packed week of the year--the lack of plot is definitely excusable. ;-)

Thanks for making me laugh (and cry at the same time)-- the puke, the RSVPs, infant teething, track suits (and ugle sweaters), and over-the-top Santa thing-- done them all. Except the condomns. I guess my brain isn't worried about birth control at all. Breastfeeding when the wee one was that age took up that space.

You know what, my kids are under two and they didn't get much at all from Santa. I got them a few little toys from Big Lots and put out some of the other things they already got from family. They have no effing clue, so why spend all that money? I am sure they would rather go to college anyway :)

I agree with the RSVP deal. The number is right there on the invitation so what makes it so hard to call!?!

We did do 1 gift for our guy from Santa just because we didn't want our two older ones to think he was bad or something and that's why he didn't get squat.

I have a 4 month old and we skipped Santa too. Absolutely no need for it. We have decided that next year will be skipped, except for an empty box wrapped up. This year she liked the crinkle sounds of gift wrap, so I figure next year she will fun with the paper and the box.
Tell the "certain member of the family" that you put the Santa gift money in Mia's college fund!

Since the mechanics of breastfeeding take place between the tongue and the roof of the mouth, you don't really need to be afraid of the bottom teeth until there are matching top teeth...then you may be very afraid!

One way to advoid being bitten is by not allowing any dilly-dallying...she can't bite you while actively nursing, so be sure to end the feeding once she's satisfied and slows down.

Good luck!

this is the kind of post that makes me care what the fish said!

Perhaps a grosser-than-thou will cheer you up a little; have you ever seen zig-zag poo streaks from a cat ski-butting his way across vinyl in an effort to tidy up?

I completely agree with your decision to not buy Santa presents for Mia, I'm sure she's not lacking in the toy department - I'm sure she's very pleased to have someone to drool and nap on.

In my opinion, most children have too many toys - having less toys encourages children to take care of and appreciate what they do have.

Two years ago, one of my nephews puppy-dog-eyed-begged me for my plastic Kermit figurine, NRFB, thanks very much I was saving it for my own future kid. Perhaps I should mention that I had no clue that my (out-of-state, usually visit them at grandma's) nephews were already overloaded with toys? Over the holidays, I found poor Kermit's little bright green feet sticking up out of the melting snow in a remote corner of my brother-in-law's yard. (I was looking for a low-traffic place for puppy to potty). So, Kermit has returned home, and will go into hiding if my in-laws visit from out of town. Of course I had to be fair and give my other nephew a NFRB figurine - I shudder to think where Jean Luc Picard is now . . .

I have never nursed a baby with teeth, but my Lily is cutting one now (at 3 mos.) Let me know how bad it hurts!

We only bought her x-mas gifts because our older sons would have noticed if Santa didn't bring her anything. So she got a teething ring, 2 pairs of pants, and a stocking with 2 binkies and some booties. Ah, necessities. Next year, we're shopping at U-Haul for her. They make the best boxes.

I totally agree with the RSVP thing! Although at one party I hosted I actually had the opposite problem. Everyone and their puking cat RSVP'd saying they were coming, and I didn't have enough cake! So I had to scramble together another cake to cover all of the guests who RSVP'd, but then they didn't all show up. I ended up with a whole cake that I worked so hard to get at the last minute that went untouched. How hard can it be people?!?

AMEN on the RSVP thing - soooooo fucking annoying to not hear back from people. As if inviting your "friends" over to your house where you will feed them and ply them with liquor in a cool ambient setting w/nice tunes and scented candles is a bad thing. Whatever. Hmph. I'm so not looking forward to that aspect of wedding planning. Grrrr.

"poor Mia" I sure hope your family member gets off of that. My mother says that any time I do anything that is good for them but not fun: eat veggies, go to their rooms for, you know, beating each other with sticks, whatever. Huge pet peeve of mine. Keep in mind, this is the same woman who pulled me out of bed BY MY HAIR because I left her car windows open in the rain to bail it out.

condom dream - hilarious!

RSVP - RIGHT!? That peeves me too!!

cat puke - EeEeWwWw!!

track suit - Don't you want to look like a 70s porn star? Hahahaha...the baby puke chic was my style up until a few months ago. Now it's the dried crusty smeared solids look for me.

teeth - 2 words...breast pump. It'll be your best friend and worst enemy once those teeth really come in. Oh and OUCH!

Santa - poor Mia!! hahaha...just kidding, I hear you. I've got a house full of plastic that my husband and I have to rotate every few weeks just to make room in the house!!! He's our 1st born so our family & friends WON'T STOP buying him things!

PS...I have an addiction to exclamation points!!!!

Well, I was gonna say that "Ya'll" is a contraction of "you" and "all", therefore, the apostrophe should come between the Y and the A, not the A and the L (although, this is a common mistake that, for some reason, drives me nuts).

And then you got to the thumb part. And suddenly the apostrophe didn't matter.

just wondering but when do you intend to wean this child from your breast?

Thank God I'm not the only bad mommy who didn't buy gifts for my baby this Christmas. The kid's four months! He hasn't even figured out what the dog is yet. I think he'll let it drop.

My little guy was six months during his first Christmas. He didn't get anything from Santa. And the following year, I gave it to him a few months in advance. Like he's really gonna know when Christmas is! But I got tons of crap over that from relatives too. This year, he's 3.5 so it was a different ballgame. So he did have to wait and he did get some gifts. But he got so much stuff from everyone else that I've decided next year, I'm not going to buy much... Take the $$ and put it in his college fund where he can use it later...

And thanks for reminding me. I need to RSVP for a baby shower that's Sunday. :-)

And thanks for not posting cat puke photos... My stomache is really queasy today...

I'm SO with you on the RSVP's. The ones that make me doubly crazy are when people don't respond to an E-vite. All you have to do is click a fucking button. Is that so hard?

There, I feel much better.

What is it with motherhood and the velour track suits? My mtoher bought me one for Christmas two years ago. She is a usually stylish executive. WTF was she thinking. I wore it to dinner once, then gave it away. To my sister, who has never worn it either... ha!

N.

Oh, you poor, poor thing...my 9 month old daughter has has teeth for 4 months now, and LOVES to bite!! She has actually made me bleed. I will not sugarcoat this..IT IS PAINFUL!!(WARNING: GRAPHIC) She also LOVES top bite the tip of my nipple and pull!! OUCH! Switch to bottles now, before your nipples end up mamed!

Don't even get me started on RSVP's. How friggin' hard is it for someone to pick up a phone or bang out an email and say yes or no? For my baby shower, half my "friends" didn't even RSVP. The poor host had to call every single one of them. I had no idea I was hanging with such LAZY ASSES! This has been a sore subject with me for ages now. Can you tell?

And I didn't get my baby (6 months) any Christmas gifts either. He doesn't even want toys. He only wants coffee cups, remote controls, car keys and my boobs. He's like a little junior man already.

I hear ya! We only gave the baby 2 presents from Santa b/c she's 7 months old. What does she know? AND she has an older sister and didn't NEED a damn thing AND we already have SO MUCH crap in our house that we didnt' see the need.

Hmmmm... the first time she bites, just put her down on the floor and say loudly (but not in a mean way, just very matter-of-factly), "No!"

Then, cross your fingers, and hope for the best. :)

Such a great post!

Love the list - it reads like a very modern and angry poem. Love it. And that ass versus Kansas line made me giggle.

Good luck with the teeth.

I've nursed all six of my kids, and they all had multiple teeth when we finally weaned. In order to nurse correctly, the tongue must protrude over the bottom teeth. Ergo, she can't bite when she's nursing, since she'd bite through her own tongue.

When she's not actively nursing, but playing around, now, that's when you get bit. You just have to be vigilant. You can tell when she's sotpped sucking, and you can be ready to pop her off if she begins to bite. One very important tip - when she is mid bite, do NOT do what I did and yank the baby off and try to throw her out the window. She will take the nipple with her. Instead, pull her in as close as possible to you and your breast will cover her nose and she can't breath. She'll let go. If she does bite, also putting her down on the floor and saying "NO" firmly will get the point across.

Or you could just ground her and take away her cell phone.

Our 'lil guy got one $10 item from Santa (just so that we would have something to video/photograph). He promptly pushed it aside, as the tissue paper fit into his mouth better (he's 7 mos old) -- and by the way, just cut two teeth... they are SHARP..... I'm convinced he'll draw blood soon... and worse.... I'm terrified that he'll like the taste!

Feathers and angel kisses -- well, no, probably not. But I agree with the other posters above that said it will be OK as long as she's really eating. I think my daughter actually nursed more often while she was teething, because it was comforting for her.

What's the fun of Santa if Mia can't open her own presents anyway? I mean, I suppose she could sit in your lap and tear at the paper -- but I think you're absolutely right that next year will be better. I'm sure your mom (?) will find something else to guilt you about soon. :)

I think your cat gave my cat some decorate puke ideas, since I stepped in some this morning. Luckily I was awake enough to realize and see the patter scattered across my kitchen tile....ew.

Be very afraid of the teeth. After seeing blood form around my bulging abused boob, the child learned how to drink from a bottle.

I read all the comments, and all I have to say is, you're patient. Sometimes I wish I had lots of comments? And then I read stuff like "when are you going to wean your child?" My mother-in-law is doing that to my sister-in-law (they are not related, either), and it pisses ME off. You are a super-swell mommy, but you already KNOW that.

My nearly-two year old got a visit or three from Santa this year, and he's still interested in the wrapping paper or the first toy he opens. Put it off as long as possible; the husband and I would really like to avoid Santa altogether. Does that make us cruel? My parents and sister actually gave "the baby" Christmas presents while I was still pregnant! He's the first grandchild...

Beth, I am so totally with you on the RSVPing thing. Like how fucking hard is it? People who don't RSVP to e-vites burn my ass even harder I mean, fucktard, you have the option of MAYBE. You only have to CLICK A LINK. We have REMOVED THE DIFFICULTY from the process.

They were totally raised by wolves and it makes my blood boil. I suspect that dealing with my wedding response cards will push me over the edge and I'll be telling my poor fiance that his friends and family were raised by bare-assed baboons.

So many things to comment on, but I will stick with the teeth...not that you need anymore parenting thoughts from random online groupies, but I will share anyway...don't worry about the bottom teeth. The tongue covers them when they nurse. The top teeth however, WATCH OUT!! They hurt like hell, and although it gets better, it does not stop completely. I guess the only thing to do is pray she gets her top teeth late. :)

my husband just walke dby and read the list, he was like...what is that?? lol. i hate non-RSVPers too!!! and i think its awesome that you didnt buy mia all sorts of crazy xmas gifts, some friends of mine with tiny babies didnt either. next year it will be fun though!! and what is worng with your cats???? hope they are ok :(

Is your cat possibly related to Linda Blair of the Exorsist? I had a dog poop all over a carpet once and found it in the dark with my bare feet. Yeah, I loved that dog!
Teeth hurt like hell, and you'll wonder what the F you are nursing this little puppy for anyway. But eventually she'll learn, Bite, no food! Good luck!
I hate non RSVP-ers too.

Amen on the Santa. I got Mina some much needed onesies and a stuffed kitty PERIOD. And no one has said anything about "poor Mina." Probably 'cause they wouldn't dare... >:D

Amen to the RSVP thing. It also explains your prompt return of mine. I was seriously impressed with your turn around.

We're going to be in DC again this month - are we too scary to finally meet?

Oooh... SO with you on the RSVP. Sheesh... what's with people? I feel like a throw-back for thinking that Manners still count for something. What's with the, "Well, if nothing better comes up we might drop by." ARG. I wish these people could be dead to me.

Haahahahha! Funny post. Esp the part about the cat puke. Sounds like my house.

Skipping christmas for an infant is a good idea! Just DO NOT throw her a surprise birthday party until she is at least 10! My parents threw me one when I was 2 and when I came in the house with my Daddy and found fifteen people of various sizes screaming at me, I bawled my head off for an hour. Then I discovered the presents and the cake and forgot about the stupid people who attacked me when I arrived. So, don't do that to Mia!

LMAO. Great post! Hmmm, where to begin. I have 3 cats and I don't think I've ever had the kind of projectile cat vomit/art display that you had. Did you gag a little while cleaning that mess up? Yuck.

And RSVP? Uh, yea, I'm with you on that one. There were people who did not RSVP to our wedding and that annoyed me like you wouldn't believe. Ummm, hello? You better NOT show up because you're not going to have a dinner plate you inconsiderate clod. And I hate people who RSVP the DAY OF the event...like my sister-in-law's cousin, who called me the DAY OF her bridal shower to let me know she was coming. WTF?

And Velour? Yuck. Made me think of the Seinfeld episode where George wore a velour sweatsuit, oh wait, maybe that was velvet. Nevermind.

Have a good weekend!

Don't be afraid of the teeth, I'm at month 17 of breastfeeding, and she bit at the beginning, but after awhile they get used to their teeth and don't do it. They just find a new way to suck.

Cae has all her teeth now and he getting her 2 year molars, it's not bad, I promise.

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So the Fish Said...

Whoever you are, now I place my hand upon you, that you be my poem, I whisper with my lips close to your ear.

- Walt Whitman

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I want to get a pet duck and keep it in the bathtub.
I am addicted to chap stick and altoids.
I am freakishly flexible.


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