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Taking it a little too far

I've had a Terrible Thought. What is Mia's pediatrician reads my blog? I know it's unlikely, but not impossible. Maybe one day he googled "baby poop, smokin' ass and too many purses" and lo, there I was. And maybe he has kept reading because he recognized me and secretly is charmed by my unbrushed hair and the list of ridiculous questions I have every time we see him.

Now, I'm not concerned that he may have read where I called him a little cute, because since the filter between my brain and my mouth goes on the fritz sometimes - ok, a lot - I would say there is at least a 15% chance that the next time I take Mia in and he asks "do you have any more questions" I'll say "yes, did you know that you are cute in that dorky nerd boy way I like so much?" Yes, it might be a little awkward, but nothing I'm not used to from years of being a social moron. No, what worries me is that he reads my blog and will think that the reason I showed up yesterday with my hair and makeup done rather than my usual "look" of ratty ponytail, no makeup and vomit stained clothes is because I was trying to impress him. The truth is that we had portraits taken yesterday so I had my hair and makeup done for that. Pure coincidence, you see. (Although I did change into the slinky dress and heels just for Mia's appointment, but, um.... everything else was dirty?)

I'm rather worried that the combination of my (far) better than usual appearance yesterday and my calling him cute on my blog will give him the wrong idea, and next time we go in he will look stealthily over his shoulder and confess that he finds me strangely compelling and hasn't been able to stop thinking about me since the first time we met and wants me to run away with him. And I will say I'm sorry and I'm sure it's a lovely offer, but I love my husband so I can't do it. And he will say but he will dedicate his every moment to making me happy. And I will say no. And he will say but he knows he is the man for me. And I will say no. And he will say but he always picks up his dirty underwear and puts it in the hamper. And I will have to take a few minutes to think it over, but I will still say no.

Sorry... what was I talking about?

Granted, the one time he called me (because I left a message about a prescription for Mia, not because he secretly burns for me) he asked if I was "Amelia's mom" when I answered the phone. But maybe that was just an act, maybe he was just pretending he didn't know my name when in fact he lies in bed every night murmuring "Beth, Beth." (Which likely annoys his wife a great deal.) (I've always sort of wished I had a name that took more to murmuring, but I suppose it is too late now.) Maybe one careless comment on my blog has gotten his hopes up and now I will have to dash his dreams and break his heart and we will have to find a new pediatrician because he won't be able to face seeing me knowing he can never have me and that will really be too bad because he is very sweet with Mia.

I guess what it boils down to is that I hope he doesn't read my blog. Oh, and also I hope that my husband is laughing.

Comments (26)

Well I'm certainly laughing! Thanks for the early morning ha ha.

Oh Beth, Beth, Beth. I see myself in you a lot of the time. You make me giggle.

I wish my name was more fitting for murmuring as well. I always feel awkward saying my name because it so ONE syllable. Hello my name is DAWN! Bam! There it is. Out there with no other syllables to protect it or soften the blow of introduction. I try to lengthen the awwwwww, but that gets awkward as well.

Oh thank you for making me laugh today! I really needed that!!!!

So you haven't really invested a lot of thought into him then, right? :)

Dr McBaby?

My name doesn't work for murmering, either, dammit. And I just now realized it. Now I have to go fire off an angry e-mail to my parents for not naming me something cool (and preferebly latin, since people with names like "Antonio" and "Ricardo" get swooned over without even showing up)

Beth, You are just TOO funny!! I'm also relieved to read that I'm not the only one with a seriously runaway imagination! Gosh, I almost expected by the end of the post to read that you would've had to get a restraining order because he was stalking you, and then you and hubby had to go into hiding because... HAHAHAAAAA, thanks for the laugh!!!

My name isn't good for murmuring.

Being honest, though, murmurable or not, I've always got this deep-set fear that should my boyfriend ever murmur my name in bed it will go something like this:

"Oh, Alice, Alice...I'm late, I'm late, for a very important date...!"

...And, apologies to anyone reading that hasn't watched 'Alice In Wonderland', as the above will probably make NO sense to you.

I think after that we deserve a picture of your Dr!! I'm sure you could do it without arousing (behave!!) his suspicions... just tell him you want a picture of him and Mia for her baby book!


You have a Pretend Celebrity Boyfriend, so you can have a Pretend Doctor Boyfriend too!


I am laughing....

If I ever, EVER, even attempted to post something like that on my blog, I would be deleted comments from my one mean reader for YEARS.

Having said that, I think this post may the best thing you've ever written.

Om my god, you are cracking me up. You are my new role model. Hey by the way, do you live in California? You want to share that Dr's number? Just checking.

Beth, I must confess. I DO read your blog. I have since the beginning. And when you walked into my office for the first time, I could barely believe it was you. I had pined for you for so long... My dreams had come true.

Although you say "no" to me now, I will never give up hope that one day we will be together. Someday we will lay out on my yacht, sipping pina coladas, laughing about that silly cactus fellow you used to be with. You are my love, Beth. I must have you.

Yours Truly,
Nerdy Cute Pediatrician

P.S. I noticed a bit of flaky skin behind Mia's right ear the last time you were in. If that hasn't cleared up, will you please bring her in to have it checked out?

Also, how damn HANDY to have someone who knows the failsafe cure for colic and whether yellow poop is cause for alarm, and how long scabs should stay scabs before they fall off. Wouldn't it save you lots of worry while Mia was growing up? Maybe when she hits 12 or 13 and doesn't need a pediatrician anymore, you can go back to your husband. But in the meantime? A doctor in the family!

You're such a silly lady!

My, how you're capable of creating such stories!

So has Chris weighed in on this one yet?

Ambers right -- we deserve a photo of this nerdy cute pediatrician.

I agree - a picture is in order. I like the baby book idea. Or else a cell phone camera always works. ;)

Can you imagine having to explain to him why you want to take his photo?

Of course, you could just post photos of Clive Owen for us and tell us that he is our pediatrician, and imagine the resemblance!

V. funny stuff.

LMAO! I would worry about him reading this one not the one you said he was cute in!LOL

yer killin' me.


Maybe he lies in bed and murmurs "Amelia's mommmmmmmmm"


Just as long as you weren't wearing a negligee for your portraits I think your safe. Can we see the portraits? We'll give you a cookie.

I have to say, that would be a good reason to leave a pediatrician rather than leave because they are sucky doctors who don't care about your child.

It's been a goodly while since I cried while laughing; thank you for that.

Incidentally, "baby poop, smokin' ass and too many purses" brings up your November 19th entry of last year at the bottom of the page. You just can't escape from that many keywords, I'm afraid.

I'm sure he does lay at night murmuring your name "Amelia's mom, oh Amelia's mom"...:-)

That was a great entry. I don't know if Chris is laughing, but the rest of us certainly are!

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So the Fish Said...

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