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This is why people have jobs

Dude. Can we please talk about something - anything - other than poop? Now I know that you and I have not been talking about poop, but Chris and I have discussed precious little else in the past week or so, ever since Mia decided that pooping wasn't really her bag. Lately my entire life has been focused on getting this kid to poop. I keep thinking, "you know, I went to college" which really is neither here nor there especially since I think I spent more time watching General Hospital than I spent in class. I did get an A in Calculus, which again has nothing to do with the subject at hand but math is very hard for me so I like to throw that out whenever I can. I feel it is proof that I am an excellent mother that I got Little Miss Steel-Trap Colon to poop twice in one day, but I suppose it is proof that I am a bad mother that I seriously considered IMing Chris to share the news before I cleaned her up.

Um, wait. Wasn't I going to talk about something other than poop? And have I just dedicated an entire paragraph to (hold on, let me re-read quickly, yes, just as I thought) poop. Argh. I need help. You all must help me, rescue me from the poop. Give me a topic, any topic, and I will talk about that instead.

And people, please. Do not, and by that I mean really do not, talk to me about poop. I am sure that you have the 100% guaranteed fool-proof method for maintaining regularity in children under 4 and that by not receiving and following your advice I am dooming my child to a lifetime of poop problems and likely therapy to address those poop problems, but I am a terrible, self-centered, uninvolved mother and I do not want to hear it. Really. No. Thanks anyway, but don't do it.

Now, topics? Anyone? Save me from myself? I'll be your best friend.

Comments (50)

No poop talk. I remember those days when your entire existence revolved around bodily functions of a small person. With a daughter, I confess it doesn't get better with age. BUT no more poop talk.
Hows your weather? HOw did I find you? Mir's place. You are everywhere, though. Thought I'd see what all the fuss was about. It's not poop, that's for sure.

In Kuna, ID it is a beautiful sunny day--I am considering taking the kids for a walk. I have begun reading a book about the craft of autobiography written by an academic whose specialty is feminist literature.

Oh man! I think Mina just poohed her diaper. ;-)

Hang in there, gal. You're a great mommy.

how about this media flurry over cheney accidentally shooting his friend? and the whole not-telling-anyone thing.

:) that's far-removed from poop, right?

Pffft! I live in Texas, people. Hunters shoot themselves ALL THE DAMN TIME around here! Men with guns AND beer are just scary. Nuff said.

What do you think about people (like a buff, good-looking guy) putting topless pictures of themselves and their dog on their desk at the office? Is that weird? What about topless pictures of a 4-year old little girl? Am I a prude, or is that kind of inappropriate? How about pictures of yourself passionately kissing someone? These are the things I see around the office. It perplexes me.

(p.s. yay for poop. seriously.)

Let's see... let's talk about Britney Spear's and the baby lap ride. Or maybe the whole Tomkat break-up rumor. Or, no, this is WAY better-- tell me the last book your read and movie you watched (when, why, how was it?). That is not so superficial as the whole celebrity watch thing. ;-)

Lets talk about antiques. Sorry, it was the first thing that came to my mind. This weekend is the big annual glass and bottle show in town and I love to go browse the neat stuff. Go antiquing.

Hmmm... how about your favorite restaurants? Forrest and I could sure use some new ones up here other than the precious few we go to because the other ones? scare us....

We could talk about the fact that a long weekend is coming up! This is good for both in- and out-of- home workers, because the in-home workers will have their out-of-home workers around (where applicable) to talk about something other than poop. Important somethings, like who's going to win Project Runway!

Hurrah for adult conversation!

Did you read that Britney took her son to the ER because he wouldn't stop crying and it turns out he was constipated? I just wanted you to know that you are keeping up with your hip and stylin' persona.

How about purses?! And shoes?! Do you like musicals? I am off to see Les Miserables tonight for the millionth time, and I am still excited!

la la la la la.

I'm supposed to have a contractor come over to my house tomorrow and install an outlet and my heated towel bar. I'm nervous about this for two reasons. 1) Someone will be cutting up the new walls of my lovely house and I won't be there and 2) how am I supposed to take myself seriously anymore when I've gotten so far past the poor college student days that I'm paying someone to install a heated towel bar?

So, what was the moment where you realized...where it really hit you...that you were a grown up? Or have you not gotten there yet? Because I think this may be it for me. Buying my house just wasn't enough I guess.

Dude!? A heated towel bar? That's sweet. Friends of mine just did heated bathroom floor tiles and I thought that was pretty rad.
Um...I could do a little confession for you Beth...I just made cookies. Again. There's something wrong with me, I swear.

How about vaccinations? Something lighter? Try road trips.

Nope. Let's play a game.

Who would you cast to play you or your husband in a movie about your life?

(You can use any TV or film personality living or dead.)


Topics. . . .hmm. We haven't heard about the cats lately :) Any more thoughts on adding kid #2 and birth order spacing (it seems like eons ago that you brought that one up. . .).

Hang in there :)

I agree with Wavybrains. Any thoughts on #2? What are your thoughts about this Neil Entwhisle guy who says he's not guilty for killing his 9 mth old Lillian and his wife Rachel?

well then lets talk about my guitars.
I have a 4 string bass that was my brother's. It's a Fender 73 jazz...a classic. Worth approx 6K more than what was paid for it. I don't have it right has it. My brother has probably found it and has hocked it AGAIN!!!!!
I also have a five string Fender Jazz Plus. This is my baby. I love him so much. I play him too loud, and am learning to slap and pluck.
I want WANT WANT a Smith 6 string but am too fluffin' cheap to buy one.

Now then I have a Fender strat electric guitar that I'm learning to play...yes I'm a little hung up on the Fender guitar line. I also have an Ovation acoustic guitar that I'm learning to play. I shoulda learned to play the 6 string guitar before I learned to play the bass ---- but we needed a bass player at the time.

Now you wanna talk about sex?

Just wait until she's old enough to do this. Then you'll have LOTS to talk about.

How about the benefits of a Mac n Cheese facial? Lady swears by them....

You got an A in calculus? I'm impressed I got a D in Cal 2 because the prof rated on a bell curve, the exam was multiple guess and I started with the ones i knew the answer too (exactly two) and then wrote C in all the other boxes... average...

how 'bout you write about contractor time vs. real human time. See in my life Friday means Friday in contractor time Fridday means some date other than Friday but no earlier than Tuesday.

Sorry we're renovating.. have contractors on the brain.

You know, I never took caluclus. Not ever. And I'm pretty good at math. I even like it!
Here's a topic for you. We're going to L.A. this weekend to visit the sister-in-law. L.A., where there are fancy people and tans and big boobs and such. None of which, I have. But here's the thing...I'm only bringing one purse. It's beautiful and fabulous and way, way too expensive. But still. One. Purse. You - who have oh SO many purses...what are your thoughts on this? (it may be silly, but it's not you know what...)

I'd like to be your best friend! That's it, you should talk about the greatest friendships you've ever had. You've probably already written about it at some point, but everybody likes a feel-good story!

But seriously, at least our babies should be friends! My son (almost 6 months) LOVES to just stare at Mia's pictures when I'm reading your blog to him. (YES I read blogs to him. Those baby-friendly books just get old after SO MANY TIMES) ((and I'm kinda lazy, so it's my version of multi-tasking)) (((PARENTHESES!!!!)))

Anyway, here's a link to some of his Flickr pics so Mia can check him out! ;)

You passed Calculus? And got an A. Are you a Genious?? How about we talk about the fact that when you become a mother, you realize that going to college, graduating and passing classes was really not going to help you at all when it came to parenting. And before you had kids, you thought it was real impressive and real important. And then you spend your days picking up toys, matching tiny socks, and taking dozens of pictures to not miss anyhting and you realize that this is the most important thing in the world. And maybe I'm just a sap today. Sorry. I just don't think I can talk about Dick Cheney anymore.

Does it still count as offensively talking about poop if it's my cat who's been playing with her dried poop lately? At least Mia's not doing that ... yet. ;-)

how about teeth and nursing, arrgh! bebe boy just cut tooth #5 three of them in the last week and a half and he's 7 months. my boobs hurt, my head hurts, and i am sleep deprived, poop is not even an issue.

Uh....I'm a preschool teacher and mother of mean there are topics without poop in them? how about that Cheney? Or our schizophrenic weather? Yeah...I've got nothing. I've failed you. Sorry.

Since we're discussing weather, its 48 deg. here (MI) and we just had thunderstorms roll through. Tonight we are we are suppose to have a low of 26 deg and snow.

You could talk about how your going to handle five girls sleeping over when she is twelve! Ok maybe than is far fetched but it is going to happen to me this weekend. The last time my daughter had a sleep over I slept the rest of the weekend.

Ok college girl.

There was a man who had a dog and Bingo was his name-o...

So who is named Bingo, the farmer or the dog?? Put that in your cognition and smoke it. In between bowel movements, of course.

So I guess flatulence is out of the question? Because that's always a fun topic. Ummmm...what about other issues surrounding parenting, like:

- Did you have any preconceived ideas about being a parent that were totally shot to sheite when you actually became one?

- Do you ever find yourself saying or doing things your parents said/did when you were little...things you swore you'd never say/do?

- Do you have more of an appreciation for your parents, or has your perception of them changed in any way now that you've got a wee one of your own?

Mein Hublein and I are starting to leave "practice mode" for the exciting adventure of "trying-for-real" and these are a few of the things I've often wondered about. It's easy enough to acquire a logical understanding of something, but obviously knowledge is fleshed out by experience: there will always be things you just don't know or understand fully until you're there.

Pirates! You could talk about pirates! I have them on the brain since tomorrow is my son's 5th birthday party, and guess what the theme is? Just guess! Pirates. Argh!

There was an earthquake in New Jersey yesterday (2/16). It was a "micro" one. I only know about it because one of the sites I visit daily is the official Earthquake monitering one. Was it covered in the news and I missed it? Is that far enough off topic?

31 comments because you mention poop....that must be what i'm doing wrong.

How about shopping, I think Mia has the cutest clothes, where is your favorite place to shop for Mia? Thanks!

I am a little late to this but I liked the idea of Who would you cas tin a film about yourself.

How 'bout this: my hubby is out of town on business, and ALL FOUR of my pets (3 cats and a small dog) decided to let themselves out my back door about 20 minutes before dusk. Although I am a trim person, the only thing that ever motivates me to run is chasing my dog (I've never been persued by a bear, and large dogs don't frighten me).

I was friendly but very bossy and approached three different strangers who happened to be walking their dogs, told them I was the only person looking for a tiny black and white dog, "if you find her PLEASE be a champ and put her in the fenced portion of my yard", then I gave them hasty directions to my house. I was too busy jogging around (in slippers) calling "Suki, Suki!" to wait for a confused reaction.

As it began to get dimmer I started to lose hope and decided I'd feel a bit better if I got a few of my cats indoors before it was dark, so I returned to my yard. Behold, the next pair of people walking a dog pointed to a ditch about 75 yards away, and said "THAT little dog?" and Suki's head popped up. I yelled, "Suki!! Treat!" and (gotta love beagle mixes) she could not resist zooming over to retrieve said treat, yadda yadda I caught her and held my wiggling trophy over my head for my perplexed audience of strangers and naughty housecats. Cue "Rocky" theme.

I wanted to drink afterwards, but FOXNEWS was trying to convince me that tornado armeggedon was approaching, and thought it wouldn't be classy to impose upon my basment-having neighbor smelling like cheap Shiraz.

We've been talking a lot about vomit over at my place. Lots of vomit. Oh yeah, and poop, too. I'm so glad I'm still paying off my student loans -- intelligent conversation is overrated anyway. Woohoo!

Why does everyone hate Simon Cowell. Okay, sometimes he could be a little more tactful, but for the most part he's dead on. Also hott.

WHAT a beautiful baby! I tell you, she is gorgeous! The picture of you both was lovely.

Yay for cleaning the bathroom. Last week I paid my other daughter (14 years) 6 bucks to clean my shower stall cause I just could NOT motivate myself to do it.

See? No mention if poop here.

Hmmm, can't read all the comments, but I will say purses and shoes are good. And living in Texas also, I shrugged when I heard the news that the VP had peppered somebody with bird shot. So? I've never been peppered but I have definitely been sprinkled. I've decided the Veep owes Whittington a New Braunfels Smokehouse deluxe gift box at Christmas each year for life.

Do you watch Grey's Anatomy? I have to talk to you about television or movies. Pride and Prejudice is coming out on DVD soon. You can now see it (assuming you didn't see it in the theaters) and tell us whether you prefer the new version or the original Colin Firth version. I like them both, but in some ways, I like the newer version better.

I am sorry, this is not very interesting is it?

Then, can you talk about what you would do if your neighbor showed up at your house at night with two half-naked little kids, and then showed you that she had a handgun also, and was afraid there was an intruder in her home?

I have to add one thing about the subject you asked us all to avoid. When you are coaxing Mia to do what you don't want to hear about but want her to do, Do Not use books in anyway to placate her. It might help at the time but associating books with that activity will make any future trip to the library very uncomfortable for you and for her.

um...let's see... what about Yoga? Are you into that at all? In fact, are you even able to go to the gym now that you are home with the Bean all day?
What about the olympics?

Poop is a major topic of conversation in our house too - but it's the dog's poop. And our poop - hell "EVERYONE POOPS!"

That has got the be the best title of a children's book.

Love the blog, I lurk here often.

Mandarin Oranges, Baby!

I LOVE General Hospital :)

laundry, dishes, dust does that excite you for alternate topics on a Saturday?

How 'bout them Olympics, huh?

poooop poopy poopy poop poop


and poop.

(in my 10 plus years of parenting..ohmygodhowoldamI..I have never but once had to deal with constipation! Is it cause I have boys? And girls are mostly the constipated ones?)


IM before the cleanup? Yeah... last week Shawn came home from work to find a picture of the biggest poop explosion ever. Leave it to him to point out that instead of immediately cleaning her up I grabbed the camera. Hey - I needed proof. It was THAT bad. (And in my defense the camera is attached to me at all times, anyway...)

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So the Fish Said...

Whoever you are, now I place my hand upon you, that you be my poem, I whisper with my lips close to your ear.

- Walt Whitman

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I want to get a pet duck and keep it in the bathtub.
I am addicted to chap stick and altoids.
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