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I'm a loser!

You know what I hate about blogging? Before I had a blog I was able to just be my usual dorky self in relative obscurity. Now, whenever I make a complete ass of myself I feel compelled to tell the internet about it. I also hate that today I am apparently the Feed of the Day for something called Feedster, which I hope has only 14 subscribers but with my luck is the hot new craze sweeping the nation and I will be beaming this story directly to all my ex-boyfriends and also that girl from elementary school who (falsely) accused me of killing the second grade hamster. (Well, I was the feed of the day, until I complained about it. Take that, ex-boyfriends! No loser stories for you!)

Anyway, here's the latest thing I have done to earn my Loser Badge. (You know, if there had been a Loser Badge, I would have rocked that Girl Scout thing. Instead of, you know, just eating the cookies.) You guys remember this, right? And how I decided not to do anything about it because that would make me cool? Well, that's exactly what I did. Nothing. I didn't even think about it (much) for the last five months. Until the other day, when I was lying next to a sleeping Mia and unable to fall asleep myself despite having gotten about two hours of sleep the previous night, and then I thought about it and decided it would be a fabulous idea to send an email after all. Because, you know, doing it after six months is a little loser-ish, but waiting the full year really ups the loser quotient. Anyway, before I could stop myself, I did it. I sent an email.

(I am somewhat concerned that you already know about the email because it was sent around in some sort of Loser of the Day email digest, which would be the modern equivalent of someone finding a note you wrote and passing it around to all their friends so they could laugh at you. Hey, was everybody emotionally damaged by junior high, or was that just me?)

I tried to make the email as un-loseriffic as I could. No "hey, let's be friends" or "let's let bygones be bygones" or "please like me again, please, please" but rather just a request to know what the heck had happened, couched in the assumption that I had said or done something stupid. No drama, no accusations, no hurt feelings, so maybe what? A six on the Loser Scale? Keep in mind this is someone who stopped speaking to me with no explanation a year ago. Ok, maybe a seven.

So, you are all dying to know about the response, right? You all want to hear what I did? Hang on; let me get the email so I can quote directly.

Let's see...

Where is it...

Oh, that's right. Now I remember. I never got a response. Nope. Nothing. Zilch. Nada. Just the quiet echoes of laughter coming to me across the internet as my email is forwarded from person to person with the subject line changed to "FW: What a dork!" Ok, I'm only guessing on that last bit, but if you knew me you would know that given my history it is highly likely.

As I see it, there are two possibilities. One: whatever I did was so terrible that it cannot even be mentioned and the mere suggestion of discussing my unconscionable behavior causes one to press one's lips tightly together while looking off to the side in a manner of great woe. Which somehow, I think not. Or Two: I didn't do anything. I'll never get an explanation because there is no explanation to give, other than, obviously, my being a LOSER with a capital LOSER.

(Are you all enjoying how I compensate for my feelings on inadequacy? You can't bother me by calling me a loser because I have beaten you to the punch. I thought you would like it, I did it just for you.)

Anyway, at first I was upset at not getting a response, but I have decided it is really better this way. You see, if I had gotten an answer, the chances are good I would have had to feel bad about something I had done and possibly undertake some introspection (gag) and possibly even (gasp!) apologize (the horror!). This way, I can just go on my merry way secure in the knowledge that I have never done anything wrong in my whole life and also that being dumped doesn't matter as it was obviously important only to me, so ta-da! It is no longer important to me. Isn't it cool how I can just decide that? I'm good that way. And no need to tell me about the Nile, which I know is in Egypt. I mean duh, doesn't everybody learn that in, like, third grade?

So that's it. End of (long, boring, my god could you possibly drag this out any longer?) story. I've embraced my Inner Loser and anybody who doesn't want to be friends with my losey-lose-loser self can, well, apparently make me obsess and stew in my hurt feelings for a year, but then? Then! I will absolutely get over it. Soonish.

And now you may all begin to tell me I am fabulous and entertaining and that you don't care a bit about all the typos in this post caused by my typing the whole thing one-handed while using the other hand to make the Loser Salute on my forehead (so that, you know, if another Loser happens by while I am typing we will be able to identify each other). Or you can skip that part, I don't really care, really, I'll hardly cry at all. Instead you could give me recommendations for a Loser Theme Song. I've always wanted a theme song.

Comments (39)

Dude, that forwarded email I got from that other person was originally from you? It totally was labeled Dork too. heh

The next title of your post has to be "you like me. You really really like me."

You are so not a loser, capital or otherwise. How could you be with a girl as sweet as Mia and a guy as great as Chris? Beth ROCKS and the internets lurve her! Send THAT in an email!

wellllll - um - It's nice to have company in the loser boat (something like the love boat but nobody hooks up and we totally have better margaritas ) because that is so something I would do

(did that help at all?)

PS: I still like you

PPS: BFF (at some point I do plan to move on from the 6th grade - although the actual date has yet to be determined)

Yay! We can be losey-losers together! Because I, too, have stewed over similar friend dumpings long after they actually happened and everyone else moved on.

For your theme song, I recommend "I'm Too Sexy." It's a classic.

I'd like to join you and Casey on the loser boat. I'm totally qualified. But can I drink vodka instead of margaritas? I'm a loser of such great proportions that I can't even drink tequila.

Looks like I've finally found my place in the world. Now if I could just be as cool as the two of you...

Maybe I should keep looking.

awww. that sucks. as frustrating as it sounds like it might be to not know, it sounds like you'll never get an answer to that one question in your mind: "why?"

but you know? for all the chances of feeling like a loser on the internet, there's TONS more opportunities to get validated and uplifted. like now, see? ;)

I wanted to be first. Oh well. From one loser to another. I've just begun hanging out here but the last word to come to mind would be loser.

We have a great bunch over on granny (with one notable "anonymous" exception which made me cry) and then get mad and devote an entire post to him or her (the real loser).

The internet is the best thing that's happened to me in years so far as my sense of isolation and loneliness was concerned.

You, Chris, and Mia are one of the better parts of the internet. The commenters on your earlier post were right - it's her loss, not yours.

Take care - don't let the turkeys get you down.


Methinks that the other blogger is the loser here, not you. You tried to be honest, and they treated you horribly. Not cool, man. I like you, and I don't like people who are mean to you.

Hmmm...we all know you are not a loser Beth! :)

I think I was dumped too. I noticed someone dropped me off their bloglines subscription and I'm starting to wonder who it was and what I did that made them leave. Oh well, their loss!

My apologies for overloading your comment box. I just saw your "change the world" link. My girls' Sunday School is collecting pennies as they do every year. They are hoping for a heifer. It may turn into just a few chickens, but they are doing their part. Heifers Int'l is a wonderful organization and thanks for featuring it.

Beth, You're definitely not a loser. Besides, you have a great husband, a beautiful child, and a sexy pretend celebrity boyfriend. What more could someone want?

Hey... now I'm a little jealous. (kidding!)

For what its worth, I would have done the same thing you did, at around the same time too.

Take care!

I know how that be kinda pushed away and forgotten. I say forget the whole episode. You know that other person is just trying to get to you. I know many of us here would feel OH SO special if we could even be added to your blog roll of greatness. So who cares (I know you do but that this one person did this to you) you got hundreds of people that are reading you daily and love you. I wouldnt waste anymore time thinking about it. You cant beg someone to be your friend. If they are going to be so immature to not even respond to your email then they are in fact the Biggest loser! They should be so honored to have your name on thier blog roll and vice versa! I personally wouldnt want this person to have any sort of involvement in my life no matter how great of a blogger they are! They obviously have thier head stuck really far up the ol' rumpus.

You are so not a loser.

But now I am in a conundrum. I was once dumped in real life by someone, quite suddenly (I thought) and I had no idea what I had done. I asked what was going on about three or four times. I was first told that there was nothing wrong, and then I got silence.

I still don't know what I did.

Fast Forward: Earlier this year, I had to dump someone. And now I am the recipient of phone messages asking for an explanation. However, given the nature of the person I dumped, I am afraid that any contact with her will be received as a renewal of friendship (which is part of the trouble). But because I was dumped and did not know why, I feel guilt.

But do I really want to get into a position with this person where she feels she has to defend or explain herself? I don't want to be friends with her again. Ever.

But for my own sake, and for yours, should I just end her wondering why and just tell her?

The main difference here is that you and I, neither of us can figure out what we did. I suspect that this person already knows that she did. She just doesn't know that *I* know what she did.

Does any of this make any sense at all?

You are not a loser, you are fabulous and entertaining. Just in case you forgot. Did you ever stop to think that the other person might just be the loser?

Online connections can be so strange. I've learned (slowly but surely) to be a little more guarded. When people tell you you're fabulous and awesome and you're, gosh, just the best friend they've ever (virtually) met, it sounds good until two months later when you can barely get more than two word responses in emails and IMs. I don't think people mean to be disengenious (did I spell that right? I don't feel like checking). But I do think it's really easy to slip into cheerleader/JulieCruisedirector mode and we forget that it's sometimes just a bit of a game.

Except for me and you of course. I totally ♥ you muchly. If you ever email me at 3 in the morning, I'll for sure answer you, like, for serious.

Hey, I figure you did more than you needed to by writing the e-mail. It's totally on the other person now. So they are the loser. And you are cool, again.


Yes, everybody was emotionally damaged by junior high. Everybody.

Heh, that's not so loser-ish. Try to look at it this way; even though you polled the audience and then went against, when you e-mailed, you were under the assumption that you may have done something to prompt the ealier dumping. Now you know that the person doesn't have the manners or the common decency to respond (even with "I prefer not to discuss it, please don't contact me again"). Therefore, you are not the big LOSER in this deal (just in case there was any wondering), she is! At least you had the guts to ask. Sorry, you're just going to have to come up with some other story in order to convince the internet of just how much a loser you are.

I have THREE "friends" like this. They vanish and then reappear a year or two later. It's really irritating and I've had it out with all of them a few times over the situation. But now I don't really care anymore. I'm happy when I see or hear from them and if I don't? Well, nothing really lost, it doesn't really affect me. It took me a while to get to that point, though.

You're not a loser! You're a winnner!
[Project Runway, anyone?]

What I'm having a hard time comprehending is how anyone could see you as a loser, much less not want to talk to you. You're totally, like, the most popular girl in school... except instead of school, there's the blogosphere... But seriously, you're totally fabulous. Oh,on a different note, I did see today that Clive Owen is going to be in a new movie with Denzel Washington... totally random I know, but I thought of you when I saw that... (Inside Man) Double the hotness... :)

Hey! I received that e-mail! Actually a co-worker xeroxed it for everyone to read and guffaw over at our last meeting.

Oh wait! That was from you? So sorry.

Ha! Seriously. This post was too fricken hilarious. :)

if it took you a year to write the email, it may just take her another year to write back.'s only been a few days, right?'re so not a loser. The 'loser' is the person who is no longer in contact with you - afterall, if someone doesn't want to know someone as obviously fabulous as yourself, then are they NOT a LOSER?

Capital "L"!

Now ... you have neglected two days in a row of cactus-fish pic updates!

This is what we call Phase Two. There are eight phases in all, and judging by your progress, I'd say you have at least a good ten or twelve years before the white coats come a-knocking; enjoy them.

In all seriousness though, we all have things happen that just plant themselves right at the back of the brain where we can't itch. Before I grew into the charming nerd I am now, I was a full-blown dork and was the self-proclaimed Master of the Faux-Pas, so I have a lot of skeletons in the closet. Most people wouldn't even call them skeletons. Maybe just crab shells, or that icky stuff that forms on top of your tomato soup when you leave it for too long. So yes. A lot of tomato soup skins in the closet.

The point is, I'm hungry...

Well I like you. :)

How's this as a theory? Maybe something happened in her life to prevent her from responding to you and as time passed, it felt awkward to contact you (A Blog Affair to Remember?).

I lurk, but I think you're totally enjoyable!

Also, I wanted to point out that I had a friend in real life who kept calling me and had a ton of issues in her life. I was dealing with the death of my father at the time and just couldnt deal with her problems too so I just stopped answering the phones. Now after a year she is contacting me again wanting to know what happened but I dont want to speak to her at all just because of where she was in her life last time we talked...we are talking serious alcohol and stuff and I just dont need or want to get sucked in. I highly doubt any of that was an issue with this dumper you got here.....but I think we have all dumped someone at one point in our life. It doesnt mean your a bad person or a loser.

Ok that came off wrong...I meant just because she dumped you doent mean your a bad person or anything and it might not even be for a reason? I dont know how good of friends you were?

I think you are FABULOUS!!! You and your blog are awesome and that is ALL there is to it.

I heart "So the Fish Said" and it's author is rockin (and so is Mia)!!!

Hey- it's her loss. Think of all the beautiful pictures she's missed.

And it's my bet that you didn't do anything.

And a Happy St. Patrick's day to you!

that was a big let down, I thought maybe you locked yourself in the car again, now that was loserish but funny, this is just silly. At times like this I wish you would just use your creative license and make something up. Okay, for enduring that story I need a new Mia picture.... You big loser!

While it does suck to make the effort and get ignored, the fact that you tried means you are not a loser. Well, that and the fact that you were never a loser to begin with!

And I've even met you in person, so I know what I'm talking about :)

That is a sad ending, Beth. I was hoping you'd have resolution. Any chance this particular blogger died or something?

We like you. You're super duper cool, and the leg warmers you wore in junior high were fabulous.

You're not a loser. Try not to let the no response back bother you. It's their loss.

I think writing about how we make asses out of ourselves just lets everyone know we're not perfect, no one is. Just this morning I blogged about how I dropped my cellphone in the toilet when I whipped my pants down to pee. Now that really makes me a loser because I really think it's broke.

Yes, junior high was hellacious for me. High school was a walk in the park, but junior high was truly horrible. So much so that I fantasize about withdrawing my mythological children out of school and taking them to Europe instead, in order to spare them the depravity of junior high.

I'm sorry about this whole bloggy mess. I know I've taken people off my blogroll not as a personal thing, but because I don't read them anymore. That sucks, I know, but perhaps it is not a hateful thing towards you. It does suck that the blogger doesn't at least acknowledge your email - maybe they will after all of this!

To blogger who dumped Beth,

suck it.

Ditto pnice. My thoughts exactly.

Dude, you make your own baby food? Then no way are you a loser.

(I would have written the other person to ask why, too.)

YOU ARE fabulous and entertaining and I don't care a bit about all the typos in this post caused by YOUR typing the whole thing one-handed while using the other hand to make the Loser Salute! Seriously though, My name is Amy, and I am a loser...

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So the Fish Said...

Whoever you are, now I place my hand upon you, that you be my poem, I whisper with my lips close to your ear.

- Walt Whitman

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I want to get a pet duck and keep it in the bathtub.
I am addicted to chap stick and altoids.
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