Internet, we're pretty close, right? I mean, we've been friends for a while now and we can tell each other things. Like, you can tell me that you secretly find Carrot Top really sexy (and you know, in that picture, not so bad) and I can tell you that when Corinne told me that my Pretend Celebrity Boyfriend, Clive Owen, is in a new movie with Denzel Washington I took a moment to contemplate the possibilities in a way that I am reluctant to describe on the internet for fear of what my search strings would bring. And, say, you could confess to me that no matter what you do or how hard you try your feet just won't stop stinking and ask if I have any ideas what to do about that and I would give you the sagest advice I could muster without judging you in any way because we are tight like that. Or, for example, I could tell you about my bumpy, splotchy, itchy boob and you would love me just the same, although possibly from a bit more of a distance than before. (Wow, yesterday it was my flabby belly and today it is my splotchy boob. I am so hot.)
So yes, I have this boob problem. Possibly it is a rash? Can you have a rash that never spreads and never goes away? See, it's like. well, it's a little hard to describe. So I drew a picture. Here it is:
This is my boob. Ok, obviously it is not actually my boob, it is a representation of my boob. The drawing is somewhat larger than actual size. The first boob problem I noticed (quite a number of weeks ago) was this single brown bump, like this:
It's smallish, and brownish, and bumpish and sometimes but not all the time it itches. I didn't know what it was, so I sought out a second opinion, my husband. The conversation went something like this:
Me: Can I show you my boob for a second?
Chris: Hell yes.
Me: I mean, can I show you this weird thing on my boob?
Chris: Is it gross?
Me: No, just weird.
Chris: Ok, you'd better not be lying because if it's gross I don't want to see it.
Me: Thanks for your concern and support. (Whips out the boob.) What do you think?
Chris: I dunno, what do you think?
Me: I dunno, maybe an ingrown hair?
Chris: Sure, that's probably it.
Me: Is that what ingrown hairs look like?
Chris: I have no idea.
Me: Thanks, you've been very helpful.
So, I decided to call Mr. Bump an ingrown hair and move on with my life. But then I noticed a whole new set of bumps, a veritable Bump Posse. These are more along the lines of your standard rash and are entirely separate from Mr. Bump thusly:
I initially thought the Bump Posse was just some sort of rash that would go away, but it has not. The Bump Posse, like good old Mr. Bump, is sometimes but not always itchy. The problem is that if I ever decide to give Mr. Bump and the Bump Posse a little scratch, my boob starts itching so much that I have to quite literally sit on my hands to prevent myself from doing myself bodily harm trying to scratch. It itches like you would not believe, and I am a very itchy girl so I can tell you that this is no ordinary run of the mill itch.
Finally, Mr. Bump and the Bump Posse have been joined by the Angry Red Marks of Doom. Check it out:
I am unsure whether the Angry Red Marks of Doom arrived of their own volition or are the result of an especially violent scratching session I had the other night in the shower when I just couldn't stand it any longer.
And that, as far as I can tell and only for the moment I am sure, is the complete list of everything that is currently wrong with my boob. I almost hate to do this, but since we are such close friends who can tell each other anything, I'm gonna ask you some questions.
1) Boob bumps are entirely separate and different from boob lumps, correct? I mean, right? This is obviously a skin condition that just happens to be on my boob because that is the cool place to be. Yes? Tell me yes, do it quickly.
2) Could this be related to breastfeeding? Like a thrush-type thing? I haven't had any pain, but I am strange about pain and sometimes think something that everybody else says is nothing hurts like hell and other times have absolutely no reaction to something that is supposed to be very painful.
3) Do you think Mr. Bump is an ingrown hair? What does an ingrown hair look like?
4) Should I go to the doctor, or just follow my usual holistic approach of ignoring it and hoping that it goes away? If I should go to the doctor, should I go to my regular doctor (who is closer to my house but may not actually exist as I have never managed to earn an appointment with the actual doctor) or should I go to my OB/GYN (who is much farther from my house but has seen me deliver a child and therefore popping my boob out in front of her is nothing - if I ran into her on the street I would probably pop a boob out as a form of casual greeting)?
5) I have mad boob-drawing skills, no?