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More connubial bliss

Since my goal this week has apparently been to see how much internet abuse my husband will stand before he hauls off and slugs me, I decided to cap the week with another round teasing him. (I'm kidding, Chris would never raise a hand to me. Mostly because hs isn't that kind of guy, but also because I could probably take him.) (Also, any time I mention Chris I get twice as many comments as on any other post. This makes me happy, honestly, because I like comments and also I know he has always wanted groupies and I much prefer that he have internet "hey, want me to send you another email?" groupies instead of rock star "hey, want me to give you another blow job?" groupies.) (Y'all know I mean groupies in a nice way, right? You are all lovely people and very smart to like my husband.)

Anyway, today we will play a game! Welcome to the inaugural round of "Why is Chris in the Doghouse?" You get to guess what he has done to piss me off, and the winner will win a mix cd that I will force Chris to make for you as part of his punishment. Winning entry will be whatever makes me laugh the most. To make it easier, I will give hints!

Hint 1: I am not actually pissed at my husband. If I were, I would not tell the internet about it.

Hint 2: I have "suggested" that Chris come home with tulips for me and a very noisy toy for Mia as a way to apologize.

Hint 3: What he did caused me to either a) run from the house in pajamas and barefoot clutching the baby, b) hide the baby in the bathtub, c) need an immediate appointment with my hairstylist to return my hair to a haircolor that exists in nature, d) require crutches, e) call 911 for no apparent reason, or f) anything else that you may find amusing and want to include in your guess.

Hint 4: Sorry, I don't have time to think of a hint 4 because Mia is slowly but surely scooting herself across the floor and I need to grab her before she makes it to the stairs.

So, there you go. Get to guessing! Also, if you are so inclined, check out the daily Mia pic over at Cactusfish.

Happy Weekend! Not that it matters to me anymore, but if it matters to you.

Comments (26)

He landed vicious farts on you.

Did it involve a Capuchin Monkey flinging poo? Any type of machine gun? Or did he come downstairs in "Hammer" pants insisting you now refer to him as Grand Master Chris, and that he will now pursue his dream of being a hardcore rap star?

The last one would make me run from the house screaming, I mean, "hammer" pants, come on?

I would say it requires crutches because you want Mia to have a noisy toy since Chris has to watch her while you heal?!! I hope your ok if that is the case?!

Did he pick at a meal you spent all day cooking and look up with a disgusted look on his face and say, "My mom is really a much better cook than you are"?

I think that would force me to call 911. But not for no apparent reason. It'd be so they could come pick up his body.

Nothing could be as bad as what my stupid boyfriend did. I have grounded him. Seriously.

Ok, my guess???
After you prepared him a fantabulous meal that was Mexican in nature and came with some fine Tequila, Chris decided to venture into the music room to compose a romantic south of the border love song to you. While in his somewhat tipsy state, he, out of habit, stepped over the cat puke that is no longer on the floor because he actually cleaned it up, and then slid on the beautiful rug on the floor - because it was no longer wedged under the door. He then tripped and broke Mia's favorite noisy toy (thus the need to buy her a new one) and sprained his somethingorother, requiring crutches.
You ran out of the house clutching Mia because - well, it's just rude to laugh that hard in the presence of someone who just hurt his somethingorother. It is, however, okay to laugh at someone who hurt his whoseeewhatsit.
And the tulips??? Well, duh. No reasons are ever needed for getting your favorite flowers.

He brought home mutant screeching tulips - they're very rare, you know. You should have appreciated the effort he went to in order to find them, so he could bring home a gift that would please BOTH you and Mia. Seriously. (Although, if he didn't have the foresight to warn you that the tulips were not, you know, of the usual non-mutant persuasion, then you're totally right in putting him in the doghouse. Because, dude, you totally could have had a coronary! Some warning, yo.)

Okay here goes:

Chris called you into his music room. You entered the music room, tripped on a pile of empty pop cans full of old, hard gummi bears and fell down. On Mia. And you hurt your leg, which did not require an EMT, and Mia was not hurt, which also did not require an EMT, but then Mia grabbed an old, hard gummi bear, popped it into her mouth, and started to choke. This required an EMT. Just as you called 911, Mia coughed out the gummi bear, which was actually gummy again from baby drool, and the sticky drooly gummi bear shot from her mouth and got lodged in your hair. You told the 911 operator not to worry, everything was fine.
You tried to get the gummi bear un-stuck from your hair, and could not. You tried peanut butter as a last resort and it turned your hair the color of, well...peanut butter. Hence the call to your hairdresser.

Am I close?

He forgot to kiss the both of you a goodbye today while leaving for work.

What he did caused you to do C. Seems as good a choice as any! :-)

He rushed home and cleaned up the music room before you could post your 'I suck' partial retraction, garnering yet another karmic 'one up' on you... In addition, he called your mother and 'accidentally' told her you were being 'mean' to him 'again', forcing you to listen to yet ANOTHER lecture on how you should treat your husband better... And to top it all off, He remembered that the angelic and selfless 90 year old neighbor down the street (who bakes him cookies and pinches his cheeks) was having a birthday, and that NONE of her lame children would remember, and so called to ask you what kind of flowers SHE would like and in your rush to answer the phone you tripped and broke mia's favorite 'noisy' toy AKA the stereo... Whew! I'm surprised you even let him back in the house ;)

he left the toilet seat up?

for some reason i can totally see you hiding the baby in the bathtub. don't know why, really. lol.

>he accidentally called you by his ex's name.

>he used up all the TP and did not replace

>he ruined your favourite pair of jeans that made your ass look like Jessica Alba's

>he let slip a secret to someone whom you didn't want to know of it

Did he forget something on the stove/in the oven setting something smoking...then the smoke detectors go off..then Mia cries - of course it was in the morning so you were in your PJs -(or maybe it was last night) so you run outside where it is not so loud for poor Mia's ears until Chris can get the alarm off... Of course - this isn't so funny, but I don't know what he was trying to cook... a nice dinner to make up for the cat vomit?? He melted a baby bottle??

he tinkled on the floor of the most recently cleaned bathroom and didnt clean it up.

oh please laugh, I know its not funny but i want the cd.

Just because these things have happened at my house in the past......

He put Mia in bathtub and started giving her a bath. As she was splashing around water was getting everywhere because she's obviously too big for the baby tub (we're guessin here since Damien's the same age and size.) By the time she's done playing, water is everywhere, he gets her out and dresses her but leaves the tub and the water mess on the counter for you to clean. Afterwards you hid the tub because she needs to take a bath in the regular tub.

Now if I was to throw in a bit of craziness.... Mia was taking a nice WARM bath and Chris left her in there long enough that she took a dump and it started floating around in the water with her and then as she was splashing around, her little turds started getting all over the counter too.


you were being a fabulous mother and multitasker by making dinner for your husband while watching mia play on her blanket. as you chopped and boiled, you called to chris in the other room, "honey, mia just crawled in there, can you watch her? i'm making a gourmet meal yet AGAIN because i am that amazing". to which he replied "of course darling, and you ARE amazing. i've got it! no worries! come here mia bean!"

ten minutes later you call out "chris! it's ready! come on and bring the Cute One." you wait. silence.


nothing. then you hear giggles.

you go into the room to see what's up.

there you see mia sitting in a puddle of wine. the glass chris had on the side table is knocked onto the carpet. chris is snoring. mia is patting her hands in the wine, and licking them.

"um, honey? you want to, um, WAKE UP and see what mia got into while you were SLEEPING?!?" you shake him.

he wakes with a start. "oh, crap! baby, i'm so sorry! mia putting wine in her mouth?"

and for that, he owes you some tulips and mia a very loud toy. you cannot get your child semi-buzzed and ruin the carpet without making restitution.

Chris sets off the smoke alarm, you go running from the house with the baby, trip and fall, twist your ankle, hobble back inside and put Mia in the tub because you can't call 911 and tell them not to send fire trucks because your dim-witted husband set off the alarm but they should send an ambulance because after they fix your broken leg, you're going to beat your husband senseless. If that don't turn your hair white, wait till Mia starts to drive and date that biker dude named Snake.

You found out that Chris used some of the suggested excuses posted to his site - one of which being that Mia was sick. Thus creating the bad Karma which caused poor little Mia to wake up with the sniffles.
This, of course, necessitated the call to 911 where they completely could not understand why you were calling because they, poor souls, have never seen pictures of the "world's most beautiful child".
So you are feeling misunderstood and a mildly cranky from being home with a sick little one thus requiring tulips for you and a new toy to make Mia feel better.

He didn't drop the baby, did he? As long as he didn't do that...

Is it wrong that I'm laughing at the story about turds in the baby's bath water? Like, hi, I'm nine.

I cant come up with anything good. You let him watch Mia in the morning and he fell asleep while doing so and you came in to find her eating fresh cat puke and biting the heads off crickets??

He was reheating pizza and burned it filling the kitchen with smoke and setting off the smoke alarms.

You fixed a special dinner and he forgot to come home on time? He fell asleep when he was supposed tobe watching Mia? He gave her a sip of his beer? YOu got a babysitter to go out and he made other plans? None of these seem funny to me, actually. I have a hard time picturing Chris being too bad of an apple...after all he does chicken imitations for Mia and lets you take pictures!

I'm gonna have to say that Chris flashed you - I mean, full frontal. :)

Did he eat all your chapstick?

He ate the dead bug off the floor in the music room!!!

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So the Fish Said...

Whoever you are, now I place my hand upon you, that you be my poem, I whisper with my lips close to your ear.

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I want to get a pet duck and keep it in the bathtub.
I am addicted to chap stick and altoids.
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