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Oh yeah, the winner

I just remembered that I have a contest going here. I should have announced the winner on Sunday and then I could have done a whole Oscars tie-in and said "the envelope please." Except that I can't stand the Oscars, or really any sort of mindless celebrity worship because really, what do these people do that is so admirable? Nothing. I feel about celebrity the same way I feel about fashion and football, which is that we really should all go read a book instead. (Except Clive of course, but that's different. We have a relationship.) Although I admit that when I am on the treadmill at the gym I watch E!. I am nothing if not a hypocrite.

Oops, sorry. That was not at all what I was talking about. So anyway, the winner if the First Annual "Why is Chris in the Doghouse?" Contest.

First, I was amused by the number of people who guessed something that involved me cooking Chris a big fancy dinner. Are you people on crack? He is lucky if I throw him a cold hot dog and a jar of Cheeze Whiz for dinner, and he knows that he had better like it or he won't even get that. (See, here's where that whole "lying" thing I told you about comes into play. The truth is that I cook healthy and nutritious meals largely from scratch more often that not. In fact, tonight's dinner required one pan, two strainers, three pots and hauling the big mixer out of the cupboard. But see, that just isn't funny. Cold hotdogs and Cheeze Whiz though? Comedy gold.)

Second, let's have some honorable mentions.

Kudos to Traci, Meghan (your link is dead?), Jon, and fauve for using as many of the possible outcomes as they could in their guesses.

Mad props to tiffaneyc for throwing in the Hammer pants.

And of course, the Opposite Ends of the Spectrum Award goes to Deepblue for making Chris into some sort of saint (ha!) and Sarcomical for a scenario in which he allowed the baby to get drunk on wine.

However, sometimes simple is best, and it is without hesitation that I award the grand prize of a mix cd which I will force Chris to make as part of his penance to the wonderful and always entertaining Jen for her fabulous entry: "Did he eat all your chapstick?" Clearly Jen has been paying attention and understands how touchy I am about my chapstick and that I get angry if he even uses it because he does not put it back in exactly the right location. Jen, let me know what sort of music you like and I will ask him to take it under advisement.

The rest of you are not going away empty handed, however. As a reward for playing (or just sitting there and letting someone else do all the hard work of trying to be funny, slacker) I present a picture of the tulips which I received to make up for the morning of terror and woe that Chris caused me. And by "received" I mean "bought for myself."

Thanks for playing. (And if you didn't click all the links, you really missed out.)

UPDATED: What? You want to know what it is he really did? Ok, picture this:

Mia and I are lying in bed. Mia has just finished nursing and because I must have done something very good in another life is drifting back to sleep and it is looking like I might get to stay in bed past 6 AM. And then, the burglar alarm goes off.

I panic. Clearly someone is breaking into my house to steal my baby and is brazen enough to do it in front of the line of 20 elementary school children waiting for the bus in front of my house. I do the only reasonable thing. I strap Mia into her bouncy seat and hide her in the bathtub, because who is going to look for a baby in a bathtub? (And, as Chris pointed out, babies never make any noise that might blow their cover.) I then run downstairs to do battle with the intruder and protect my child, armed only with a mother's fury and a bottle of saline nasal spray, which I intend to use like mace. I check all the doors. I check all the windows. I check all the heating vents. All clear.

Turns out, Chris hit the wrong button when he set the alarm, and one of the cats dared to stroll through the living room and set it off. They are just lucky I didn't mace them with my nasal spray, because, you know, cats hate to get wet.

Comments (25)

Jen is a genius. Of course that is the answer.

Beautiful tulips that you received, Chris is so sweet.

By the way, I love the "I am nothing if not a hypocrite." Haaaaa!

So you didnt say. Did he really eat your chapstick or am I just missing something? What actually happened??

I just want to say that you are funny and great and I love your blog.

That is all.

Well, at least I got mad props!!!

Well you said to make you laugh! HA! :D

...and by "bought for myself" you mean "will bill Chris for at a later date". Smashing shepherds' pie, by the way - scoop some into an envelope and send it up.

I remember thinking of a scenario to submit, but I think that was when we had a power outage and all of the valley was plunged into darkness (and internetlessness) for the entire night. No, really!

hey! PRETTY flowers. very nice. ;)

did i miss something or did you tell us what he did?

p.s. i totally can accept defeat, but come on that would have merited some flowers or something, yes? ;)

Wow! I am stunned! Thank you! I'll email you after coffee :).

Totally not funny that you thought someone was coming to take Mia ... but yeah, I am kind of laughing at the fact that you put her in the bathtub. That's only good if shooting breaks out in the ghetto or something. You should maybe do a burglar drill so you can find a better place to stash the baby.

I kind of like the bathtub idea. I do agree - who would look for a baby there? However, I'd worry about the echo-factor if she did start to make noise.

But I tend to overthink things...

I'm very pleased to receive an honorable mention! Actually, I probably prefer it to winning since then I would have had to admit to the variety of music I like. Chris would probably collapse or something while making the cd.

Okay, between you and your husband I am going to choke or die or something from laughing too hard. I love it!

Ha. I know the misery of having a husband who accidentally wakes a miraculously dozing-back-off-at-6-am-baby. But do you know the misery of the husband that comes in the back door from yard work hollering, "Honey, HonEY, HONEY, HONEEEEEEEEEEEY..." just as the baby has finally quit fighting and gone down for a nap after a particularly crabby afternoon? I got a hug and massage out of it. I should have milked it for all it was worth.

THat is too funny. Also, I need the recipe for whatever that yummy thing is that you made for dinner.

Hi. I'm a little slow but I get there eventually. I've been leaving comments on rude cactus for a little while but didn't realize you were "so the fish said".

She's beautiful. Try to keep her out of Vegas. She's a little short to reach the tables.

Best,

Ann (aka granny)

P. S. Jen and I have been online friends for quite a while - just so you know I'm not a stalker.

Seeing that the cat was obviously out to steal the baby, the absolute most sensible thing you could have possibly done was put Mia in the bathtub. Congrats on the Mom-ESP!!

You should go look in a mirror and tell yourself how fabulous you are.

=)

No, No, No...next time you grab the baby jump out a window and hobble away!!!! That is my escape plan. Never leave the baby behind! LOL!!!! I am so paranoid I have it all planned out. But if there was an intruder and he saw you he would probably have a gun and shoot you and then Mia would be all alone! See! I got it figured out. Yes, my hubby leaves me alone when he goes out of town. Sigh.

Well,God! I'm glad you cleared THAT up!

Ok I must have read the choices wrong last week because my answer clearly did not make sense. LOL I wouldn't have guessed that story in the first place, but still. I'm just going to blame this right now on the teething baby I'm holding since I like to blame everything else on teething.

damn, I could have thought of the chapstick. Fuck!

yum, sheperd's pie. I love that stuff, and it does take a lot of time to make.

I think my favorite photo is Chris with the pink hippo (?) on his head.

Also, stashing Mia in the tub? sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

Ok, I'm giggling.
Um...what did you think was gonna come through the heat vents?

Very entertaining. Baby in the bathtub I will have to remember that.

The baby in the bouncy seat in the bathtub is a great mental image in my head. So is you in you living room with the nasal spray. I am cracking up. By the way, dosn't CHris hate CHeeze Wiz?

Baby + Bouncy Seat + Bathtub = Hysterical

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So the Fish Said...

Whoever you are, now I place my hand upon you, that you be my poem, I whisper with my lips close to your ear.

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I want to get a pet duck and keep it in the bathtub.
I am addicted to chap stick and altoids.
I am freakishly flexible.


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