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Things you should do

Because I love you, I have decided to give you some helpful tips of things you should do.

1. If you are having a really crappy week, because, say, you just had to put a cat to sleep for the second time in a little over a month, you should take some pictures of yourself, photoshop the everloving crap out of them, and then post them on the internet and whine about your nose. Because then people will say nice things to you and tell you that you are pretty because, hey, they feel sorry for you and who wants to kick a girl when she's down.

2. If you decide to use a lipstick that is, no lie, 10 years old and feels like rubbing your lips with sandpaper, you should get out the white lip gloss that for some unknown reason came in a pack of Bobbi Brown lipgloss that your mother-in-law gave you and put it on on top of the 10 year old lipstick. Your lips will still be sandpaper dry and scratchy underneath, but nice and shiny on top. Also, if anybody knows what's up with white lipgloss and wants to enlighten me, that would be cool.

3. Also when posting pictures of yourself on the internet, you should say that you just brushed your hair and put on lipstick when actually you straightened your hair with a flat iron and put on foundation, bronzer, blush, eyeshadow, eyeliner, mascara, powder, lipstick and lip gloss, because that way you will seem less vain. Oh, and then see above about photoshopping the everloving crap out of the pictures.

4. If you have pictures of yourself that are, shall we say, compromising (not that I do, of course, but possibly you do), you should not file those pictures with your other, regular, pictures, because coming across such things unawares can be quite a shock to the system. And also it will piss you off because look how much thinner you used to be! You know, I assume anyway. Can't say I know from personal experience.

5. If you have a newspaper subscription, every time you get your bill you should call and say you want to cancel, because then they will give you another 10 weeks for $20 to keep you from cancelling and as far as I can tell they will do this forever. Do you think this makes me a bad person?

Comments (30)


Not a bad person, but certainly a very funny and quirky perston. But that's what keeps us coming back for more!

I cannot lie. WHen I was taking pictures yesterday I put on full make up, including foundation. At this point in my life, I refuse to be photographed without make up on!

hhahaha... in college, we did the newspaper thing with AOL... we'd call to cancel after the free subscription, and they'd hem and haw, and try to talk us into keeping it, then give us another 2 months free. It worked EVERY TIME. I didn't pay for internet for over a year...

oh #4 . . . I have this sick suspicion that my (annoying) brother-in-law found photos of interest on my laptop, even though they were filed far far away from other photos. Now NO ONE is allowed to use my laptop except my husband and I. Sad thing is they weren't even "heeeeey baby" photos, they were "is my workout regimen worth it" photos, so I hadn't brushed my hair, and wasn't smiling. Gaaaaaah! I'm off to dunk myself in Lysol.

That's great! I'm thinking I could save a LOT of $$ with tip #5.

So now I know why both your photos (with and without makeup)look like the after shots on a makeover show. I have done the newspaper subscription thing...quite innocently, of course. They gave me 6 months for $40 when I had been paying $35 every 3 months. Did you know it also works with on-line subscriptions? Quitting and rejoining book clubs works, too. Not that I am that kind of person, the kind who would take advantage of a multi- million- dollar corporation, you know.

Tip #6. Before your child gets to computer using age (I'd say age 3 for these purposes) make sure to get rid of all pictures of compromising photos. Because, even if the child(ren) has their own computer they may need to borrow yours and God forbid they stumble upon said photos by accident. Really, the therapy bill for that one would be reaching the national debt.

I totally think it is right to keep cancelling your sub so that you get the cheaper price. Why the hell do they not give the good stuff to the loyal customers? dorks. Serves them right.

As far as Pixel, I'm so sorry Beth. I know that it has been tough for you guys. Made much easier when you have the Bean to squeal in laughter just when you feel tears coming. Those babies are worth more than their weight in gold for how they can save us.

Amen to the comment above me. Babies are healing. The Green Bean Kid saved my sanity and my heart, she's the incarnation of hope.

And yes, we will always say nice things about you and tell you that you're lovely, funny, and smart. Especially after the week you've had!

I was wondering about the whole full make up thing...I mean, I noticed eye liner stuff but hey, you said lipstick so I believed you!!!! And, thanks for the tip about the newspaper...I'll have to give it a, ummm, no I don't think you are a bad person!!! LOL.

#5? I'm currently doing that dance with Adelphia over my cable bill. And if they keep giving me a special rate, I'll keep paying it, so everybody wins.

I know what I mean when *I* say, "just a little lipstick", and it involves a minimum of 5 minutes with the full makeup basket. I think it's what we all mean by it. Except for those annoying people who actually don't have zits, or dark circles, or shiny T-zones. And they can just shut up! ;)

I think the white lipgloss goes along with the fat-pale-greasy-looking lips thing that has been popular with the celebs for far too long. I don't understand it, and the really extreme ones make me think of Fluke Boy on the X-Files. Mmmm... sexxxy.

I came across the same sort of tip with insurance... if you have insurance on your credit card (paying $0.95/dollar on your balance!!) Call to say you want to and cancel and they will reduce the amount (to $0.20/dollar!)

wait... are those things bad, because you asked if they made you a bad person.

then the answer is no because i'd probably do every one of those things.

I hear that photoshopping the everloving crap out of pictures is all the rage in Paris. ;)
Thanks for the good giggle this morning.

Glad we could make you feel better after such a crummy month. :-)

Number 4? Ha!

Number 5 - I don't think that makes you a bad person at all, just a person that takes advantage of a good bargain when she sees it. If they can give it to you at that price, and they're offering it to you, take it.

#4 holds for taking one's computer in for repairs as well...not that I would know! "What do you mean you can't test my computer without its hard drive? Of course you can!" lol

Definitely not a bad person; I thought everyone did that with newspaper subscriptions!

I think #5 also works for cable companies. What else could it work for ... Omaha steaks? Beer/wine of the month club? Electricity? Maybe not electricity but I see a lot of potential in this.

#5- Called being Thrifty. Saying "I'm cancleing" to the credit card got us one heck of a low interest rate and we got all sorts of add ons on the cell phones for free. Whatever works right??

I think the cutest picture of you is the one with the sticker on your forehead. I think it's the expression. BUt you're pretty so why the heck would you not like pictures of yourself.

I wasn't saying anything out of pity. I was very seriously saying that you are really beautiful. Go Photoshop. Gotta get me some of that. But I don't think it works just like that. It's still a picture of you.

1) You have a flat iron? I'm not even sure I own a blow dryer at this point.

2)Is it The Post? Because if it is, I'm calling right now.

Regarding #5, compliments work well for saving money, I have found. Want a coupon or free sample? Write the company of a product you like telling them how wonderful they are. They'll send you all kinds of free stuff.

you are not a bad person just a very frugal person for saving money on your newspaper.

i think the white lipgloss is for the 1980 nightclubs

Compromising pictures? Could you be more specific?

As for comment #2, the white Bobbi Brown white lip gloss is to tone down really dark lipstick and make it a "completely different color". Yeah, I bought it, haven't used it yet... I'm such a sucker.

I'm so sorry about your four legged furry babies.

That was all very good advice and I am going to take it all to heart. Now, I just got to peek at those pictures and find them all loverly. There, you can now file me under "Internet" who wouldn't kick ya when you are down but also genuinely finds you adorable. I sent my condolences to Chris and so I feel I should send them out to you as well. I know how that is, it's never easy. Oh and since you asked...I speak from personal not....cut your hair short. Not because I think you would look bad but because I just cut all my hair off a while ago and I am so sorry that I did. Just tryin' to help a sister out. It doesn't grow back as fast as you wish! Hope you are doing well.

Beth, I don't understand why you would go through the trouble of putting foundation on when you have such great skin! Your photos were all great. I say cut the hair. I recently cut mine, and it's so much easier to deal with!

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So the Fish Said...

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