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Greasing the cogs, so to speak

I love the internet. (Except sometimes I really hate the internet. Sometimes, the internet makes me really angry and I never want to talk to the internet again and I want to tell all the internet's friends something really bad about the internet so that they all ditch the internet and the internet has to eat lunch alone every day, alone with its really bad hair. But today, today I love the internet.)

I love the internet because yesterday I got an email from a very nice woman claiming to work for a PR company in DC and asking if she could mail me a free sample bottle of personal lubricant. Naturally, the only appropriate response to such a request is "hell yes, you can."

I love the internet, because this nice PR person then Fed Ex'd me a bottle of KY Warming Sensual Mist. I am all about immediate gratification, so it was very exciting to open my door at 10:00 this morning to the cute Fed Ex guy who had no idea he was delivering a free sample of personal lubricant, and also because the PR office is about a 40 minute drive from my house and I love it when Fed Ex delivers things a grand total of 25 miles or so because I think it is such an exciting use of their certainly highly sophisticated worldwide computer and tracking systems to drive a free sample of personal lubricant out to the suburbs.

Anyway, I am now the proud owner of my very own bottle of KY Warming Sensual Mist, which is not even available in stores, so it must have some cache, yes? I freely admit that I have not tried my free sample of personal lubricant for its intended purpose since Chris is still at work and my lover only comes Monday, Wednesday and Friday. (I am currently accepting applications for a Tuesday/Thursday lover, although I would really rather have someone who would come over and clean the bathrooms.) I have, however, read the entirety of the back of the box, so here is my review of the back of the box.

The first bit informs me that my free sample of personal lubricant is "a new, fun way to apply lubricant where you want it without interrupting the moment." See, it comes in a spray. Now, this is handy for cooking oil and such, but I'm not sure of the value of a spray bottle of personal lubricant. I admit that my own experience with personal lubricant is somewhat limited, but I would think that either the spray bottle wouldn't quite get it where you needed it, or that it would in fact be more fun to apply personal lubricant to the desired area the old fashioned, manual way. Maybe it's just me, but a spray bottle just does not scream "fun in the bedroom." Well, at least not when used for its intended purpose.

The next bit advises you to "spray lubricant to intimate area." Shouldn't that be "spray lubricant on intimate area?" Does that fact that I correct the grammar on the bottle of personal lubricant rather than actually using the personal lubricant turn you on? Correcting grammar is hot, right? As long as I am quibbling over syntax, the box also advises "to enhance pleasure, apply to the inside and outside of the condom surface." To me, this seems to imply that you are enhancing the pleasure of the condom.

The bottle also warns that you should "avoid spraying in eyes," which is good advice in most situations. It does not, however, state whether this particular personal lubricant is non-toxic if, um, ingested. Oh, come on! I can't be the only person who, when comtemplating the use of personal lubricant, thinks that this would be useful knowledge to have. (I've told you all about my oral fixation, right? That I sucked my thumb until I was 16 and when I finally quit immediately took up smoking? Not that it has any relevance whatsoever to the topic at hand, just mentioning.)

Ok, I did eventually prime the pump, as suggested on the back of the box, and spray some of my free sample of personal lubricant on my arm. Pros: It does not smell, is not overly greasy, stays lubey for a while, does not seem to get sticky, washes off easily. Cons At close range is less a mist than a rather painful directed stream which I would be relucant to aim at many bits of my personal anatomy, at the distance required to make it misty the dispersal is a bit more than your average personal lubricator would require, after a few seconds made my arm burn in a rather uncomfortable manner, which I suppose is the "warming" aspect but was not pleasant, and appears to have given me a slight rash. (Everything gives me a rash though, so don't judge by me.)

Overall, I don't think I will be using KY Warming Sensual Mist for my own personal lubricant needs, but don't let me stop you from giving it a try. You should also be grateful that I didn't go with my original plan for this review, which was to write an entire entry on the topic of anal sex, but I didn't quite have the courge to do it. Write the entry, I mean. (And no, that was not #3 from yesterday.)

Comments (40)

Hum... well I have the waring liquid by KY and used it once. I didnt like the whole warm sensation down there and it did nothing to turn up the heat so to! Now if you want some good stuff I got this stuff called pure satisfaction by romantatherapy at one of those all girly party thingies and that stuff makes you feel like you got a party going on in your panties. Ok way to much info but had to add that. Its also really expensive a 2.5fl oz bottle was like 40.00 or something. Crazy but after I tried it I had to have some!

Thank you so much for doing the review so that we don't have to suffer from burns and such. Cause down there? That would not be good.

So how far across the room do you think you could spray this stuff?

I think if it would cause a rash on your arm, there's no telling what it would do to your nether regions! OW!

(Surely you're pro anal sex?)

On the one hand I have NO comment whatsoever for this post and then on the other I have OOOOOOOOH so many comments and on your HAND you have lube.

I was snorting out loud at this post. SO. FUNNY.

I can see the point of a spray, although, yes, I'd feel like I was prepping a pan to have batter poured into it...Wait I kind of AM...

Anyway, I own the regular warming liquid and it does not burn me. In fact, it doesn't even warm me. Maybe my hoo-ha is dead. (Is that possible?) Perhaps I should try out that Pure Satisfaction stuff that Lisa mentioned? I could definitely go for a party in my pants. (HA!)

Hmmm.... interesting. I hate the KY Warming Gel... and can't imagine them marketing a mist.. and on the subject of anal sex... I read somewhere that Astroglide is the stuff p0rn stars swear by. Hey, now THAT'S an idea... have p0rn stars review personal lubricants...

I obviously have not tried the spray version but the old fashioned kind? Made me run screaming to the bathtub to wash it off. Ouch! Really killed the mood too.

Um, interesting. I am really commenting on an earlier post, but I'm behind...congratulations on your new found fame. Yay for you. Will certainly read your new site. With enthusiasm. Hope you make a fortune out of this and when you are rich and famous you will not forget your old internet friends (mutters "for some reason a Human League song comes to mind.."). Do you think that this new found fame will result in more useful freebies? Can I say that I particularly enjoyed the grammatical analysis of this product blurb and I'd like to see more of that on this site.

Had to re-comment to tell your remembering yoke about my new site. This is what happens when you let people comment. Sigh.

I am one of those anonymous visitors that likes to stop by and read your site (no i am not creepy and do not have a pervy moustache). I'm stepping out of obscurity now because I have to tell you that this post is really one of the funniest things I've ever read. if no one pays you to write right now, you should slap this down on some editor's desk and ask for an advance. because really, you are hilarious.

Seriously, I got the email asking me if I would review the KY warming mist if they sent it to me and I never responded because I couldn't stop giggling the THREE different times they sent the same message to me so I knew I was not equipt to take on the reviewing of said product. You did it brilliantly, though, with just enough, but not too much, giggle.

Comedic value aside, be careful not to grab the spray-on tanner by mistake. Once you go...

It sounds to me that you had a lot of free entertainment from that sample. I especially liked the grammer correction.

Oh my god, I am on the floor laughing. Well now I'm typing, but still laughing. So fucking great.

Beth, you should really send that in to them. It's to funny. And the detail is amazing.

ew. anal sex. i can't even go there. in this comment, ...or anywhere. ew.

we got a proposal to review that on delush and we were like huh? not exactly fitting into what makes a girl "pretty" i don't think...

i must say i'd be way too embarrassed to test it and talk about it. you are brave. ;)

All I can say is that Chris is one lucky dude.

Well apparently you prefer the free sample in a bottle, as opposed to your husband who prefers the "submerge whole clothed self in the tub" method. :)

Great public service announcement!!

You are going to get SO MANY WEIRDOs finding your site through searches for "warming personal lubricant" and "anal sex" - hee hee....that should be fun (or scary).

I like the KY warming gel kind - I think it's kind of fun...the 'mist' thing is a bit of a turn off...

I must remember to go pee before I start reading your posts. After is too late.

OMG, I am laughing so hard from your post and the responses so far. Needed a good laugh to start today too.
I don't get the whole mist thing either. Doesn't seem very sexy or romantic if you have to stop to "spritz" anything. And lord knows if the guy gets it in his head to operate the mister, he'll just be like an 8-year-old with a new super-soaker.

Your a funny fish! The whole story was funny but the anal thing at the end made me spit chewed up chicken nugget on my keyboard. Thanks.

Heeeee. You know what's funny (other than this post, of course)? At first, I did not think the title said Greasing the Cogs. I thought it said Greasing the ... um, something else. That starts with Co- but rhymes with socks. Which is kind of appropriate, if you think about it. Guess my mind was in the right place at the right time.

I've yet to find a real good personal lubricant. I suppose if someone wanted to offer me some free KY, I may take it. :-)

Think you could just shoot me an email on the topic of anal sex, instead.

That sounds way dirty. I just like girl talk.

Correcting grammar on the boxes of stuff like that is unavoidable. They always seem to make mistakes. Wait, that makes me sound...kind of skanky. But really I know this because I just helped my friend who owns a company that sells this sort of thing move about a million boxes of personal lubricant into her new basement office.

I guess to avoid getting it the eyes you should put your hand on each others face if you're putting it on in the dark??? LMAO I doubt anyone is stupid enough to put it on and then go down for some oral action. LMFAO! We got a sample of the KY Warming Jel and it sucked. There was no warming effect, dunno what they were thinking when they were thinking it gets warm. I could probably get more warming pleasure from a jet in my hot tub then their product. LOL I am so kidding, I've never done that!

Ok... didn't I tell you, that #3 from the other day was better left un-asked?

I was laughing though... Loved the grammatical corrections, and the descriptions.

OK, is it just me, or do the directions about applying the mist to the inside and outside surfaces of the condom make NO sense? Anyone have any idea on how you spray the inside of a rolled condom? LOL Wouldn't it make more sense to just spray the guy before putting the condom on?? The only other image I get is one of a guy trying to pull a condom on like a sock once he has unrolled and sprayed it...ewww...

OK. Must. Stop. Laughing. Now.

I liked the grammatical corrections juxtaposed with your own, um, interesting usage of it's/its. But I'm a grammar freak too, though not as much on the internet, because I feel like on the internet I should be allowed to be a little bit lazy. ;-)

Godammit. Fixed it, I think. Am an its/it's moron.


Exactly what sort of internet porn ring do you have to belong to in order to get your free sample of personal lube?? I find it hilarious that they paid to Fed Ex it to you!! "Need lube, STAT!"

Well there goes my last hope for a hot date!

you are just a hoot!

I saw the commercials on tv for the warming personal lubricant and thought to myself - why would I want it warm in there?! Isnt it warm enough? I mean really, all that movement and action, things tend to heat up a bit already. THEN I immediately thought of the OBGYN office, when they put that warm light right down there when they do an exam and PAP. Its so gosh darn warm, it almost makes me feel like Ive wet myself. After that thought I was immediately turned off. But, you'll have to do a second review after use and let us know.

freaking hilarious! Good point about the spray vs. the old-fashion application way....The stuff sounds ridiculous!

Have you started your ClubMom posts yet? Can you give us the link?

I don't know what was funnier, your post or the comments that followed. Girls are weird.

Anything that claims to "warm up" to be put anywhere near your hoohhah is NEVER a good idea. Apparently the product developers never handle Thai bird chilli or jalapenos and then touch their eyes.

Thanks for trying it out for the rest of us, Beth!

So, Granny sent me over here, because I was all het up chez moi about Izzy's lube jackpot when ALL I GET IS NUDE PANTYHOSE, just to find that everybody else is getting the lube too and still all I get is NUDE PANTYHOSE and why can't I have some lube too?

Not that I think that spray-on (!) lube is highly desirable, mind you (I take your review seriously on this point) BUT! The world is clearly being divided into Lube Moms and Reinforced Crotch Control Top Moms and I DO NOT want to be in the latter group.


I found that ingesting the warming lubricant caused an extremely bad allergic reaction. Thanx for the amuseing review.

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So the Fish Said...

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