I love the internet. (Except sometimes I really hate the internet. Sometimes, the internet makes me really angry and I never want to talk to the internet again and I want to tell all the internet's friends something really bad about the internet so that they all ditch the internet and the internet has to eat lunch alone every day, alone with its really bad hair. But today, today I love the internet.)
I love the internet because yesterday I got an email from a very nice woman claiming to work for a PR company in DC and asking if she could mail me a free sample bottle of personal lubricant. Naturally, the only appropriate response to such a request is "hell yes, you can."
I love the internet, because this nice PR person then Fed Ex'd me a bottle of KY Warming Sensual Mist. I am all about immediate gratification, so it was very exciting to open my door at 10:00 this morning to the cute Fed Ex guy who had no idea he was delivering a free sample of personal lubricant, and also because the PR office is about a 40 minute drive from my house and I love it when Fed Ex delivers things a grand total of 25 miles or so because I think it is such an exciting use of their certainly highly sophisticated worldwide computer and tracking systems to drive a free sample of personal lubricant out to the suburbs.
Anyway, I am now the proud owner of my very own bottle of KY Warming Sensual Mist, which is not even available in stores, so it must have some cache, yes? I freely admit that I have not tried my free sample of personal lubricant for its intended purpose since Chris is still at work and my lover only comes Monday, Wednesday and Friday. (I am currently accepting applications for a Tuesday/Thursday lover, although I would really rather have someone who would come over and clean the bathrooms.) I have, however, read the entirety of the back of the box, so here is my review of the back of the box.
The first bit informs me that my free sample of personal lubricant is "a new, fun way to apply lubricant where you want it without interrupting the moment." See, it comes in a spray. Now, this is handy for cooking oil and such, but I'm not sure of the value of a spray bottle of personal lubricant. I admit that my own experience with personal lubricant is somewhat limited, but I would think that either the spray bottle wouldn't quite get it where you needed it, or that it would in fact be more fun to apply personal lubricant to the desired area the old fashioned, manual way. Maybe it's just me, but a spray bottle just does not scream "fun in the bedroom." Well, at least not when used for its intended purpose.
The next bit advises you to "spray lubricant to intimate area." Shouldn't that be "spray lubricant on intimate area?" Does that fact that I correct the grammar on the bottle of personal lubricant rather than actually using the personal lubricant turn you on? Correcting grammar is hot, right? As long as I am quibbling over syntax, the box also advises "to enhance pleasure, apply to the inside and outside of the condom surface." To me, this seems to imply that you are enhancing the pleasure of the condom.
The bottle also warns that you should "avoid spraying in eyes," which is good advice in most situations. It does not, however, state whether this particular personal lubricant is non-toxic if, um, ingested. Oh, come on! I can't be the only person who, when comtemplating the use of personal lubricant, thinks that this would be useful knowledge to have. (I've told you all about my oral fixation, right? That I sucked my thumb until I was 16 and when I finally quit immediately took up smoking? Not that it has any relevance whatsoever to the topic at hand, just mentioning.)
Ok, I did eventually prime the pump, as suggested on the back of the box, and spray some of my free sample of personal lubricant on my arm. Pros: It does not smell, is not overly greasy, stays lubey for a while, does not seem to get sticky, washes off easily. Cons At close range is less a mist than a rather painful directed stream which I would be relucant to aim at many bits of my personal anatomy, at the distance required to make it misty the dispersal is a bit more than your average personal lubricator would require, after a few seconds made my arm burn in a rather uncomfortable manner, which I suppose is the "warming" aspect but was not pleasant, and appears to have given me a slight rash. (Everything gives me a rash though, so don't judge by me.)
Overall, I don't think I will be using KY Warming Sensual Mist for my own personal lubricant needs, but don't let me stop you from giving it a try. You should also be grateful that I didn't go with my original plan for this review, which was to write an entire entry on the topic of anal sex, but I didn't quite have the courge to do it. Write the entry, I mean. (And no, that was not #3 from yesterday.)