so the fish said...
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I'm too sexy for a topic

It's audience participation day here in Fishtown. I figured I would ask you to answer the current burning questions of my life, and if you answer you can than ask me to answer one of your burning questions. (Other than "why does it burn when I pee?" because I'm not that kind of girl.) Here we go!

1. My kitchen sink smells like something crawled in there and died. I have tried vinegar, lemons, limes, cilantro and parsley and it still reeks. Any ideas other than scrubbing it out with my husband's toothbrush?

2. I got a sexy new cell phone, because apparently the best way to handle financing your vet's purchase of a new mercedes is to spend even more money and be even more broke. I don't believe in doing things half-assed, it's whole-assed or nothing around here. Anyway, the sexy new cell phone is vastly superior to my old cell phone in that it a) rings when someone calls me, b) holds a charge for longer than four and a half minutes, c) does not suffer repeated nervous breakdowns causing it to delete my address book and claim that I have never made a phone call of any kind, ever. The thing that sucks is that it has really boring ringtones. So, what should I use as the ringtone for my sexy new cell phone.

3. I decided not to post this one after all, because it was offensive. So, make up your own offensive question and answer it, if you wanna.

4. What's better for a teething baby: bourbon, whisky, or vodka?

5. Have y'all ever used any of that self-tanning stuff? Is any of it any good? See, if I go out in the sun for more than three minutes I burn to a crisp, but I expect to be spending a lot of time at the pool with Mia this summer and I have to wear a two-piece bathing suit because I have the longest torso known to man and I figure if I must expose my flabby belly in public it should at least be a more acceptable shade, meaning something between "ghost dipped in clorox" and "angry lobster." Any suggestions? Keeping in mind that I am also blessed with skin so sensitive that if you look at me cross-eyed I will break out in a rash?

Comments (84)

#4. Whisky. Jameson, to be exact. They sell it in little bottles that fit nicely into the pocket of a diaper bag. And it fetches you some great looks at those playgroup things.

#5. 2 words. Tanning. Bed.

Last summer was the year of self tanner for me. I'm so white that ghosts envy me my color.

The spray stuff is great - it gives you a super dark color. Just, don't use it, is all I'm saying. Because where ever you stop, you will have a line. And it's VERY noticeable. Ahem.

I tried all of the brands available from the store, and they pretty much all left streaks or dramatic white/tan differences. The best was from the Body Shop, and totally use the mitt that they sell. I had no streaks and no lines. It did give a pretty good dark tan.

For just a bit of color this year, I've been using the Jergens hint of color stuff, and I like that much better. Not so drastic, very gradual.

Good luck. I know the whiteness of which you speak.....

I forgot! #2! Damn It by Blink 182 was the ringer I had on my new, sexy, pink phone I received for my birthday and then left on the hood of my car at Target 13 short days later. You could use that as a tribute to my lost friend!

1) No help there... you could take the thing apart, scrub it, and put it back together. But I'm thinkint that might not be a good idea w/ Mia around. You didn't mention clorox... have you tried that?

2) I accused Chris yesterday of having "Dude Looks like a Lady" for his... so I'm gonna opt out of answering this one, because I have no idea... if I could have a ringtone, it'd be Belle and Sebastian's "Funny LIttle Frog"... but that's me.

3) *drawing a blank*

4) I'd go with whisky.. but then again, babies can't have honey... and I was thinking of honey mixed with whiskey for a cough... hmmm... but yeah, whisky should do it. Have you thought about scotch?

5) My mom is fair-skinned as well (ya think? I'm pailer than she is) and had some success with Noutregena's self tanning stuff.

As for my question... and it's been eating me ALIVE... What's the joke that involves the punchline so the fish said?

I had some pretty good success with the Neutragena stuff...a couple of years did however leave my palms kinda orangey for a couple of days...but had I read the instructions BEFOREHAND...I owuld have known to scrub them immediately aftewards....

kitchen sink....hmmm....tough one....I only really use one thing on my kitchen sink..I use Comet...and a sponge...I know it's kinda lame...but I really think it cleans well and I secretly kinda like the comet smell*

* also my husband used to date a girl that I am told smelled like I make sure he's around when I use the Comet just to piss him off...because I'm nice like that!

Do you have a garbage disposal in your kitchen sink? Try throwing some ice cubes and baking soda down it ;)

Self Tanning stuff- Queen Helen makes a cocoa butter with gradual self tanner ;) I too (being a redhead) have super sensitive skin and... thats the stuff that takes the edge of my blinding white - and not make me break out or smell like stinky self tanner.

#1 baking soda
#2 No idea
#4 well, the vodka is better for you. As for baby? drink more vodka.
#5 No idea but I'd like to hear the suggestions.

Gee, I'm really no help am I?

Well, you've seen me (sort of) and I don't tan, I burn and then burn again. The summer before I got married I went to a tanning bed and got really dark and brown but it is such a pain in the ass and time consuming and not to mention BAD for your skin. Clarins makes a nice self tanner and for a cheaper one, Loreal has a good one too, Sublime Bronze I think it's called. Always exfoliate in the shower before hand and make sure you scrub your hands afterward (I will do legs, wash hands, do torso, wash hands, do arms, wash hands, etc.) Then dance around naked for about an hour.

I'm fair myself and I've found that Jergens Daily Glow works well and is very subtle... Neutrogena has a new tanning moisturizer with the added bonus of SPF for unfortunate gals like us. Both seem to make my veiny, pasty, legs-bruised-constantly-from-toddler-wrangling legs look much more presentable. :)

Oh I like Mommy's answers so I'll just piggyback on hers.

#1) Make Chris clean out the trap thing underneath. I don't have a clue what the means.
2) obviously the theme from night rider
3) naughty girl
4)bourbon is better but vodka is less detectable
5) I am too chicken to try the self tanning stuff. I just know I will end up not only with a rash but also covered in orange stripe. rroar.

Oh, I second the comet for the sink, and pour some bleach down the drain.

I've been using the Jergens for fair skin and it looks fantastic. No streaking, make sure you exfoliate your knees and elbows and rub it in really well. Wash your hands right afterwards.

Stay far far away from tanning beds. My plastic surgeon told me he's been seeing so many skin cancer cases and the patients were all tanning bed users.

#1. Have you tried not putting vinegar, lemons, limes, cilatro and parsley down your drain? If that doesn't help the smell, try bleach.

#2 American Girl by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers (just because I love that song but it failed to win me Chris's contest)

#3 Thirty-two (don't ya wish you knew what the question was?)

#4 Captain Morgan for you, red wine for the little one.

#5 I have found that all self tanners are pretty much the same. The key is to make sure your skin is well moisturized BEFORE you start using a tanner. That's why people get streaks. Dry skin areas (like on your knees and elbows) will suck up more of the tanner leaving those areas darker. Exfoliate then mosturize daily for about a week then start using a self tanner.

1. I also agree on bleach down the drain and comet to clean the sink.

2. Ummm...sorry, no help here.

4. For you? How about a nice crantini cocktail? Teething sucks -- sorry.

5. No tanning beds! Yikes, fair skin people especially shouldn't subject themselves to those. I also like the Jergens lotion that gradually adds a bit of color. A bit of a funky smell? But worth the color, I think. No streaks or lines like the Dove product -- that one really didn't work on my fair skin. Yuck.

First of all, from yesterday, yes she does look like you. But you seem to smile more.

1. baking soda, wet the sink just a little sprinkle it all over and leave it. Then dump the rest down the drain.
Bleach always works too...however then you have that bleach smell.....

2. My son has the same phone you have. He downloaded a ring tone that sings to the tune of I like big butts and I cannot lie.... "pick up the phone, you have a call, a really, really important call..." we call him just to hear the ring tone, it's that good.

3. put the finger in first. and relax just take a deep breath. it's not going to hurt. you're going to like it.

4. bourbon, whisky, or vodka? I'd drink all three mixed and give her a tylenol, anbesol on the gums and a frozen waffle to gnaw on.

5. Neutrogena sunless tanning foam is the best. No streaks, not orange. looks natural.

OH and if you're going to do #3 above, then try the liquor in #4 first, can't hurt.

The Pup.

Oh -- also -- Land's End makes a couple of nice one-piece bathing suits specifically for long torsos. I refuse to go back to a two-piece.

1. I am of no help here, except to tell you that you are so NOT alone. Also, don't use your husband's toothbrush, since you are probably compelled to kiss him on occasion. QuirkyGuy likes bleach. He likes it A LOT. For EVERYTHING. Sometimes it might even work, but since I'm half-blind from the fumes, I can't really tell.

2. A bootie song. Whole-assed, of course, not half-assed.

3. No, that's not chicken pox you've got down there.

4. Have you tried Hiland Teething Tablets? Worked like a charm for QuirkyBoy. Cheaper than the booze, too.

5. Go with one of the spray-on kinds. At least you won't be streaky, even if you do end up orangeish as I tend to do.

2. The Super Mario Bros. theme

4. Vodka - bourbon and whisky have tannins on them, which can cause nasty headaches. Vodka? Tannin-free!

5. I like the Jergen's Natural Glow lotion (for fair, not medium, skin) - it's not a one-time thing, because it's very gradual. I find using it everyday for a week or so is enough to take the, um, reflectiveness off myself.

My question: Is The Cute Boy totally uninterested, or just shy?

#1 You have me stumped. You've already tried things I would have thought so. Maybe one of the big box hardware places might have something you could pour down there.

#2 I have no idea. Just make it something you won't be too embarrassed about when it rings in public. I use a nice classical tune myself.

#3 Must have been a good one if you decided to delete it :-)

#4 Having gone to school in the south, bourbon definately.

#5 I haven't tried the self-tanning stuff, but wife and daughter have. The Jergens stuff seems to work best for coverage and gradual color change.

#6 My question for you. We enjoy going out to eat. Since we're both from NoVA, where is your favorite place to go out for dinner and/or lunch?

1) Drano.
2) "I want you to want me."
3) Sideways, spooning.
4) Tylenol.
5) Tanning bed.

1. Try ice and cool water on the garbage disposal. A plumber once told me that too often we use hot water when we should use cool (hot water apparently causes grease to stick better, thus staying in disposal). Or try the baking soda/vinegar thing. Dump a bunch of baking soda in the drain, let it sit for awhile then dump vinegar slowly into the drain (if nothing else, it is a fun, fizzy experiment).

2. Ring tones are so intimate... Play that Funky Music White Boy is a fav of mine.

3. Just the answer: Without my horse, I never would have spent that year in college. (Lewis Black)

4. Bourbon.

5. Aveeno's got a new skin glow enhancer that is apparently like a self tanner, but not? Never tired it, but have contemplated it!

1. you could try ice cubes down the disposal. It's supposed to clean the blades, so maybe if there is something stuck on there it will help.


5. I just got some of that daily self tanning lotion as I am also scarily pale, have sensitive skin and burn at the drop of a hat. I'll let you know how it goes.

1. shake baking soda down the drain. let it sit for 5-10 minutes. follow it with boiling water.
2. As long as it's not something by Britney Spears, I don't care.
3. I got nothing. Too pissed my shoe broke going down the stairs here at work.
4. If you drink a shot of whisky, a shot of burbon, and a shot of vodka you won't care that your child is teething.
5. My fair-skinned friend likes that Jergins Natural Glow lotion.

I got here too late.

#1 Baking soda (or you may have to remove the u-shaped thingie and see what actually did die in there).

#2 I told Chris yesterday my Army reserve son has a phone that screams "INCOMING".

#3 How come you won't tell?

Teething - (can't remember which number) Vodka - mix with something suitable and drink.

1. baking soda, ice cubes - but you've heard that before...

2. dunno, wondering the same thing myself. I have a funky song right now that DOES make me feel like I'm in a 70's cop tv show when it rings. Heh.

3. No, that hurts. I like to try it sitting opposed to trying to balance.

4. I agree with taking a shot of each and not caring that much about the new teeth. And the frozen waffle.

5. Hmmm...I'm EXCEEDINGLY fact I'm fairly sure I've crashed planes while sitting out at a pool because of the BLINDING LIGHT reflecting off my bare torso...that being said - I'm terrified of skin cancer, use CRAPLOADS of sunscreen and think that tanning beds are the devil. But I'm intrigued by the list of suggestions you've received and may look into them.

#1 -- Have you tried Barkeeper's Friend? It's a really awesome scrubbing powder. It doesn't have a scent, really, but it might get up the offending material. Wear gloves when you use it, though. It's really drying. It's not expensive and got some really persistent stains out of my bathtub. If the disposal is smelly, through some ice cubes in with the lemon. That's worked for me.

Self tanner -- I have not found one that works without making me look freakish. My skin is really light and even the stuff that claims to not run and streak still did exactly that. I even tried the "gradual" tanning stuff. Also! The smell can be a little too perfumy for me. The Oil of Olay "Daily Radiance" stuff seems to be the best, but I think that's because it doesn't add that much color. If I had the cash, I would get some fancy, expensive stuff to try...but I decided that, this year, I'm just not going to care about my gleaming white arms and legs. White is the new tan.

Teething -- Hyland's teething tablets or the Camilia liquid have worked great for us!

#1 Baking Soda and vinegar. Makes a neat science class like cloud that is fun and cleaneriffic!

#2. "Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic" - The Police. I'm a huge fan, will only leave my husband for Sting, and this song sums up how people should view all moms. It's my ringtone, and I'll share if you wanna.

#3. I'd like to kill my ESE Coordinator at my son's school or have her fired. I'm still debating.

#4. Scotch for her. Bourbon, neat, for you.

#5. I have a year round tan hue to my skin, but it can get a little sallow in the winter months. I also like the Jergens Natural Glow. Try some first to see if you rash up with it, but it's a good alternative to some of the others out there.

1. I second and third the baking sode followed by vinegar. That always works for us.

2. Download a song off of the internet? I think it costs .99, but you should go all the way with the bankruptcy. No point in halfassing it.

3. Maybe you're smelling your upper lip?

5. I tried the lancome one for my face and it worked fairly well, but my understanding is that Jergen's is sold out all over the place because it is so good. Try that one!

For the drain, I don't know, but if one of these suggestions work, pleasae let me know.

Well, since it is a "sexy new cell phone" what about "I'm too Sexy", I think it was Right Said Fred.

I'm going to skip 3 and 4...I don't have kids so I wouldn't know what alcohol to feed them.

I loved the Neutregena stuff and I make Casper jealous with my skin tone. Also, on the one-piece suit. Check out Newport News catalog. They have long torso suits for just that may just work.

I think bourban is the more traditional hard liquor... plus it has that cool, southern vibe.

Beyond the Sea to go with the fish theme for your cell phone

Sinks aren't supposed to smell bad?

I just let the world glorify in my pale, mole-y, cellulite-ridden body (covered up in a one piece. I don't have the same body type restriction as you.) If you can afford it, why not go the Mystic tan route. I did self-tanner once. Orange isn't my color. If I really wanted the color, I'd pay someone a butt-load of money to do it for me. Then I'll look like a movie star, right?

I'm new to your blog. No question for you yet.

in no perticular order...
peppermint patty, sans the chocolate part for her teeth.
Pampered Chef has a disposal/sink cleaner that works really well.
The ring tone, That song from the 90's,
I touch my self...
and as for the unmentionable offensive one? KY is he only way to go:)
I dont tan I burn, and the lotions always smell to smelly for me...I have done the tanning bed, just too much moolah for me...

Hurricanes for teething. Ask the pharmacist. Works so well my youngest asks for it (with that pointing-whining-grunting thing babies often do).

"3. I decided not to post this one after all, because it was offensive. So, make up your own offensive question and answer it, if you wanna."

Ok. Answer is: no, don't bother, I tried it, and it was a disaster.


Oh, and I think whiskey. I'm sure that's what I heard once on Casualty that that was good, and obviously all things on TV are completely true, so I'll go with that.

1) If we're talking garbage disposal, there's a product (whose name eludes me at the moment...I think it's called Disposal Care or something) that is a packet that you stuff into the disposal before you turn it on, along with a trickle of hot water. It foams up and does a pretty darn fine job of cleaning and deodorizing the sink/drain. Then you can follow up with some ice cubes (oh, the noise!)if you feel the need.

2) Girls Just Wanna Have Fun (Cyndi Lauper)

3) I told you that if you kept doing that, it would get stuck like that!

4) Vodka (in case you spill)

5) Hawaiian Tropic Self-Tanning Milk--the lighter color version, not the dark. Same as all others, exfoliate, moisturize, apply sparingly to knees, elbows, ankles, heels (or anywhere else you may have dry skin). Takes a few days to get a good base color, and then can be maintained by using once or twice a week. The key to no streaks is to apply evenly (harder than it sounds, so get hubby to help) and be sure to wash your hands with soap after--twice!!

my ringtone is the theme to the muppet show. i believe that you are cool enough to share that ringtone with me, if you would so like... ;)

1. Bleach
2. Just put it on vibrate and be done with it
3. I can't believe you asked me that
4. Vodka, always go with vodka
5. My daughter was born a month or so after Mia. I can't believe you'll be wearing a bikini this year. The 5 sit ups I've done since September haven't done a damn thing to my flabby belly. Curses. Anyhoo - my sister tells me Lancome is good.

For the sink, I'm guessing you have garbage disposal. That little rubber flap thing sometimes gets all gunky underneath from all the food flying up and hitting it.

We use a bottle brush (not one that we would use on bottles) and apply some cleaner to it - whatever detergent thing you have handy - and then use the bottle brush to scrub the underside of the rubber flap.

When we're done scrubbing, we throw some baking soda down the drain, add white vinegar, and voila - no more smelliness.

My cell phone rings to the tone of "Dont cha" by the pussycat dolls. Then again, it just makes me feel so good, like I am signing it to my exes.

Anyway, my mom says that the best thing to make a baby sleepy is giving the sleepy time tea (found at the whole foods market). It makes them go to bed right away and it is all herbal.

Now my questions...Do you have any info regarding study abroad programs? Language programs. I want to study French. Not an exciting question!

Oh, why is it that when you picked up your home phone, people would actually asked are you home?

#1 Box of baking soda, followed by a kettle full of boiling water.

#2 You're... too sexy for a ringtone?

#3 I'm shocked and appalled that you'd even ask that.

#4 I prefer margaritas, myself. You hardly notice the teething after the second one. ;)

#5 Tanning beds = bad. I'm right there with you on the freaky whiteness and overly sensitive skin. I've had pretty good luck with the Jergens Natural Glow, in 'light'. I find about 2 days starts to produce a noticeable tan, and as long as I'm really nice to my skin otherwise, it doesn't give me a rash. Just be sure to use sunblock when you're at the pool, as the self-tanner doesn't have any in it.

#1. Bleach. (orange citrus clorox) I just used it this morning. I noticed that our betta fish was missing and my son told me he threw it down the sink. He swears it was dead! No-- I'm not kidding.

#2 hmmm- have no idea.

#3 ha-

#4.A shot of each. ;)

#5. I use the Jergens Natural Glow and I love it!

No answers to any of the other questions (stop by my blog -- my brain is not working today for obvious reasons).

However, I agree with whoever said the Jergen's lotion is good -- I used it last year on my incredibly fair skin, and it looked pretty natural.

I'm really pale myself, and I liked the Jergens Natural Glow. It was nice and gradual and not orange.

I didn't read the 42 comments ahead of me, so this might be redundant, but:

1) Baking Sode
2) I did that too. Is yours the pink Razor too?

4) I can't find them in our area, so this might not be of any help at all, but Humphries #3 teething tablets rule and they are homeopathic. Try the most ghetto pharmacy you can find, they aren't perscription, but they might be behind the counter. It's an old southern remedy.

#1) I don't remember the name of the product, but I actually found this stuff at the grocery store that's like a disposal cleaner/deodorizer thingy. It looks kind of like a packet of cheese in a box of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese, but you run the water for a minute.. throw the packet down the disposal, and then turn it on. it foams up and you know it's done when the foam goes away (a min or two). I don't remember the name of it, but I can tell you when I get home tonight. lol. :)

#2) I don't know. I can't get cool ring tones on my phone anymore :( The internet feature doesn't work. blah. I had teh Sex & the city theme for a while on my old phone. lol. :)

3) *insert obscene answer here*

4) Not sure. lol

5) Not sure on this either. I'm whiter than white, and i'm afraid to turn orange, so I just blind everyone with my whitey-whiteness.

#1 - Try baking soda.

That's really all I've got.

One time my husband put RAW CHICKEN down the disposal, but didn't run the disposal. I smelled it the next day. (Vomit.) First, I poured bleach down. Then I cut up an orange and ran it through with ice cubes. It worked.

I'm on day 3 of Dove Energy Glow with self-tanners. My legs look great. My ankles - not so much.

Didn't have time to read all the comments so somebody may have said this already:
Clinique makes a great self-tanner AND they make sunscreen that is great for babies because it has a zinc base and it won't absorb into sensitive skin (for mom and baby). A dermatologist turned me onto those. I breakout like a 14 year old at the sight of sunscreen but not with this stuff.

Whiskey and Hylans teething tablets (homeopathic but available at most drug stores) and some baby anbesol kept in the fridge

if your disposal is the source of the smell- they sell some "green" drain cleaner that has enzymes that are supposed to "digest" whatever is causing the odor but bot dump bad stuff into the water supply. Can't remember what its called but they sell it at most home centers (lowes, Home Depot).

Hey- how do I find you on Club Mom??

for your tanning needs, i highly recommend Neutrogena Mist (a spray-on tanner) that takes a couple of hours to kick in. I also love the Jergens Natural Glow tanning lotion, but you've got to use it on a regular basis to really see results. Neither has ever left me with orange hands or the darker spots on my knees and ankles. If all else fails, Mystic Tan is supposed to be great, I might try it this summer.....



1. Don't know, but whatever it is, you've mixed up a helluva marinade for it.

2. I'm too Sexy (too easy. I know.)

3. dude, i have a list.

4. tequila with lime, no salt. Because, you know, it's for a baby.

5. G-d bless the sunless tanner (from one white chick to another) Clarins makes the best (never orange). If you have a special event, go get the airbrush / spray on stuff at a spa. It's awesome.

5. no, haven't used it, but I would.

4. whiskey

3. no comment

2.can you download ringtones?

1. uh, call a plumber?

1. Snake it.
2. Obviously "I'm Too Sexy" by Right Said Fred.
5. Mystic tan. That way you don't have to worry about it getting all streaky on you.

Be proud of your fair skin! Don't risk damaging it with all that stuff, and especially at the tanning salon! Think Nicole Kidman, even Scarlett Johannson. Think MOI! I'm practically fluorescent white! I totally look better tanned...thinner, eyes look bluer. But, it's not worth the time, the health risks, tanning. Celebrate your beautiful skin!!!

My cell phone ring--I've gone through a few recently: "Don't Funk With My Heart" (Black-Eyed Peas); "We Be Burning"(Sean Paul); "Shock the Monkey" (Salt n' Pepper)....

For teething...Joey liked Manishevitz wine on Passover!

Sorry, I believe the song's "Push It," by Salt n' Peppa...not "shock the monkey." It was a good pump-up ringtone. It made me wanna start dancing when it rang....

Mother gave me whisky and I turned out just fine! *hic*

So once again, I didn't read the previous 55 comments, because, I mean, really, but here's my advice and I apologize if I'm just repeating what somebody else said.
They have these moisterizeres these days that have a hint of self tanner, and they give a really natural tan that isn't streaky, orange or too "I just tried self tanner even though I'm paler than a ghost dipped in clorox".
I use Jergens "Natural Glow" for medium skin tones, which is really nice, but my sister uses for light skintones, and it sounds like you have skin similar to hers. I'm pretty sure that a lot of companies are jumping on this wagon, and now Dove, Aveeno, Neutrogena and a whole bunch of others make the same product. Choose your weapon.

Ok... seems like you got good answers to all the other questions...

#3... Um... it's really better left unasked... even if I did know what it was. ;)

The most important... the ring tone, should be the easiest. "It's hard out here for a pimp".

Oh, and i didn't post yesterday, but that pic of the 2 of you... that's what you should use for your new gig...

1. Call a plumber, is sound like your sewage is starting to back up. I'd call before it does it on a Sunday at 6pm.
2. No clue, mine plays Gold Digger by Kanye West.
3. Too funny. Now I want to know what it was.
4. Whisky.
5. Don't do it. I have the same problem, but I am allergic to it all. 10 days on predisone once cured me from doing it again. Maybe try one of those tanning beds.

Sounds like either the drain has gunk stuck along the sides or you have some sewer gas backup. Try some Liquid Plumber in it to dissolve whatever is in there.

1. Fill both sides of the sink up with water at least half way, pour a bunch of bleach in the water and then reach in and pull both of the plungers. The bleachy water will then come into contact with all parts and whisk away the smell. It worked for me. Also, never dump bad milk down the sink.

2. No idea... I use the default except for home. That has some lame samba like ring.

4. Ummm... my aunt used to give my brother a wee bit of whisky in his bottle to get him to sleep. Yeah, she stopped babysitting after that.

5. The Jergen's natural glow is supposed to be pretty good. Last summer it sold out around here. It's more gradual and less orangey with a range of shades. You just have to make sure you exfoliate for it work effectively.

#1 No clue. Sorry.
#2 I'm too sexy, perhaps. But if you don't want to hate yourself, maybe something by the Gorillaz. They rock.
#3 I'd much rather answer your's than think of my own.
#4 Why not tequila?
#5 Can't offer anything here either. Never used the stuff. Some of my friends have gone to tanning salons that have the spray and have seen good results. The color tends to be more uniform, too.

#1 Bleach

#2 No idea, mine's boring but insanely loud

#4 I plan on going with bourbon since there's so much of it in the house

#5 I used the Neutrogena Instant Bronze tanning mousse crap. Coloured really well actually, but the only thing I hated about it was it left my skin feeling sticky and gross; though I do know people who use it and it's fine for them

Land's End has tankinis. They are two pieces that will still cover your belly.

Oh, and I put a link on "Land's End" above.

!5 year-old scotch. Single malt. And just to show I have experience in this kind of thing, it works best if you put it in a dropper and squirt it in their cheek pocket so they can't spit it out and smell like little infant alcoholics. Nothing like baby smell and stale scotch on a onesy.
We figure it has fewer chemicals, additives, fake colors, and sugar, than baby tylenol, and it works for those few nights when nothing else does.

Have you tried those "Plink" things... they work pretty good... although I guess those are for the garbage disposal. What about Draino? That should take care of anything smelly sitting in there.

1. Buy a new sink!
2. The O.C. theme song. Nothing is sexier than admitting to the world that you're a total sell-out teenybopper-wannabe in love with Adam Brody. Oh wait. This is YOUR phone we're talking about...
3. I did. TWICE. And the second time? On a combine.
4. A bourbon-whiskey-vodka cocktail!
5. I used it many years ago and I hated it because it turned me orange. I daresay the stuff works better now.

Did you try garlic? I mean, sure, your house will smell like garlic, but it's better than rotting corpse.

Or maybe Pinesol?

And I use neutrogena self tanner. It smells like burnt skin, but you won't look like burnt skin. HA! I kill me.

1. Bleach.
2. I dunno. when I got a fancy new cell phone I was so excited it did what phones are supposed to do I still have a boring "ring ring" on it.
3. Hmm can't think of any
4. I've heard all three.
5. I too have the pastey or crayon red options and sensitive skin. I just use neutrogena dry touch sunblock and rock the pastey look.

Jergens natural glow or one of the others out right now. I swear by those. I know you have seen my pics and I am white as a ghost and this stuff is great cause you just put it on everyday like normal loton and you get darker and darker and no streaks like that other crap. But I am going on vacation and I think I am getting a spray tan before I leave so I am not hugely gutty prego and pale as a ghost. Now if only I could swim in a poncho I would be set!

1. Dynamite. Or some Comp 4. I have a shedful if you want to borrow.

2. I'm too nerdy to suggest anything for a ringtone. It'd end up being a lightsaber sound or something.

3. Just make sure you get the negatives and any copies of the photos and you should be in the clear.

4. I've heard whiskey. I have a shedful if you want to borrow.

5. Never really worried about tanning, but a friend of mine had the spray-on stuff done for prom. She's short, so I had to damn near bite my tongue off to keep from calling her an oompa-loompa. I myself range exclusively between vampire and fiery imp.

I'd best stop now, before I start being useful.

1. Might be the garbage disposal. You might have to replace it. Or it could be whatever makes my relatively new dryer smell like an old gym locker when even our dirty clothes don't smell like that.

2. Whatever you do, please don't use any of the songs that Verizon uses in their commercials.

3. Maybe you oughtta ask Chris about that.

4. Vodka. It's clear so it doesn't make as big of a mess.

5. Try the Mistic Tan - you don't have to worry about application, just as long as you remember that you only get to turn once. If you think it's going to spray you 4 times, so you only do a quarter turn, then you end up with a tan only on your left side and that looks really dumb. ...Not that I know anybody who would make that mistake...ahem...

1. Baking Soda - Dump a bunch down your disposal, some around the edges and on the rubber. Leave it there over night. Run hot, hot water the next morning.

2. I'm a fan of Stacy's Mom mostly because it's funny.

3. Handcuffs.

4. Bourbon. Buy American.

5. I think you'd be better off in a tanning bed. While the lotions and spray-ons are nice, they don't actually help you in the actual sun. Then you'd be kind of brownish orange with a lobster red undertone. Start yourself a basetan slowly like 5-8 minutes and work your way up. Use lotions to help the process. If it's just a looks thing, then Jergens is my suggestion. Just be careful in the sun and use a good sunscreen. (Because I'm sure your mom just hasn't said that to you enough.)

Good luck! And let us know how number 3 turns out.

I have been reading your blog for a while now, just haven't ever commented! I am really fair skinned and always burn a couple times in the summer then tan. Hey burns turn into tans! I have tried every single sunless tanner out there and the only thing worth any money is called Fake Bake. I swear on this stuff! It is not orange, and not streaky at all. It looks like a real sun-kissed tan, it is incredible! Plus they have a Fake Bake Face that has peptides(sp?) in it to help prevent wrinkles. I don't think it is available in stores, but you can google it, and order it off the net I believe, and some salons carry it. Everything at the grocery store or Target is orange and streaky on a person as white as myself!

1. Try Disposer Care.

2. Mother's Little Helper by the Rolling Stones

3. It's only kinky the first time.

4. Aren't you supposed to rub a teeny bit of booze on their gums? I don't remember what booze . . .

5. I am so glad I am not alone in the Casper look. I have finally just given up. I've tried several lotions and potions and they all make me have streaks. And when you shave your legs, it comes off. Ick!

1. That bend in the pipe under the sink is supposed to trap water which blocks the sewer gas from invading your house. There maybe some trouble with that process and the 'bad air' is making it back up through the drain. when water drains out of the sink does it make a gurgling sound? 'nother indicater that that there could be a venting problem.
5. Estee Lauder makes good self tanners that last for 4-5 days. The one without the tint takes about 4-6 hours before showing up and it's not a dramatic light/dark if you missed a spot. The one with the tint is instantly the color it's going to be, so it's a little easier in terms of application. They're kinda expensive, but worth it.

1.) I would try some sort of drano type product...?? perhaps (blank look on my face, head slightly tipped to the side, confused daze in my eyes)

2.) My vote: For those about to rock, by ACDC or Like a Virgin by Madonna or and my personal favorite... The Theme for Lion King... In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight... ok... sorry got carried away. Now you may me saying to yourself, wow... she has quite the combination to choose from... and all I have to say is... I am to please;)

3.) OK, I got a really good one for you... When I was prego with my daughter... we (my husband and I) attended those birthing, La maus, teach you how to breath funny, do nothing for you really class... and when we came to the part of the class that that was discussing what is ok to do (whispering... you know sex) when you are prego... and the instuctor was saying... you can still have a very healthy sex life, you can do this and you can do that... one of the things you will want to avoid is using any sort of intrument that would be put inside of you??? except for... well you know... and this lady in the back pipes up with... does that mean you shouldn't use straws??? What??? straws??? I remember being so embarrassed for her... and yet very curious as to, what exactly do you do with a straw? Never did find out...maybe you know?


5.) ummmm... I try to avoid the sun... so I would say a hat and a nice long tee-shirt over your bathing suit. May not be the fashion statement you always dreamed of... but will help you from getting sun burned... however if you inisist on something... and you stated you have sensitive skin... I would look into Mary Kay products... I also have very sensitive skin too, MK is the only make-up skin care I can use. It is a more expensive, but then again... you do only have one suit of skin.... right???

ah... I feel less preachy... I didn't mention scrapbooking even one time during this comment.... well, ok, maybe once... had to fit it in some how;)

oh KNOW i have to answer that self-tanning question. ;)

i LOATHE self-tanning products because they generally make me MAD. the frustration and whatnot. but the new spray stuff sounds pretty good (though neutrogena ALWAYS looked orange on me in the past). i have two words for you: Tan Towels. look them up. they're magic. and easy as pie.

the other option? no tanner at all, but a bronzing oil (i reviewed one recently - go check it out on delush) i really REALLY liked that one. i'll ask you a question:

what the HELL should i do with my life? ;)

1. Perfume. I like "Miracle" because it a charm.

2. "You Can Leave Your Hat On" (Tom Jones)

3. "Are you pregnant?" "No."

4. What about Appleton Estates Rum? That's quite nice.

5. Go for the "ghost dipped in clorox" with a hoity toity parasol or something. Nicole Kidman is pretty gorgeous and she's a far whiter shade of pale than you, my dear, so embrace the light. :)

Try Bleach or baking soda. On the sink, not the baby. For the baby YOU take the vodka. Done.

Try Lancome self-tanning for the face and gt a separatae one for the bod.

I am fair-skinned and it does not make me look orange. This is good.

Mystic Tan - spray tanner.

All you do is go to a place that has it (most tanning salons do) go in the little box with your hairnet on and get sprayed with a fine mist. Then you turn and it does it again.

Hours later - TAHDAH! Tan with no big splotches or streak marks. Even and loverly.

I would try the Lancome tanner stuff. All of their skin goodies are fantabulous so I'm going to bet the tanning stuff is pretty good, and it doesn't transfer to your clothes. A little pricey but since you're going for broke, this is the best way to add to that whole bankrupt thingy.

Hi! I didn't read other people's comments so this may be redundant but I do have a suggestion for the self-tanner. I have tried plenty of them and I figured out that it's wasn't really the brand that was the issue, it was the fact that I was using a spray.

Solution: Tanning FOAM. It's way better because it spreads more evenly and I have absolutely never messed it up (which, if you knew me at all, you would understand is a true testament to the fact that this stuff is screw-up proof!). Anyway, I use Neutrogena Tanning Foam. You can get it at most pharmacies and it's not expensive. GOOD LUCK!!

try slicing up a lemon, and putting the lemon slices through your disposal. it will sound like you have a small rodent in there, but may help with the funky smell...

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