I'm leaving Chris.
I know this is a shock to most of you, because we don't really talk about our marriage much on our blogs. Obviously, we've had our ups and downs like everyone else. This time, though, I just don't think I can forgive him. Now usually I don't like to air my dirty laundry online, but I feel like you guys deserve an explanation.
It all started this past weekend. As you know, Mia has crested the magic one-year mark and also weighs as much as most first graders, so Chris went out and turned her car seat around so it faced the front of the car. This was all well and good, and Mia really seemed to prefer facing front and has been much more pleasant about being strapped into her car seat.
That's pretty much the only thing she has been pleasant about lately. Those molars are still kicking her cute little ass and it has been a non-stop scream-fest around here more often than not for the past week. Yesterday, I decided I needed something to cheer me up, and the cookies just weren't cutting it anymore, so I loaded Mia into the car and drove up to the nearby fire station to have the car seat inspected. What could be better than firemen, right?
As instructed, I pulled my car into the fire station right behind the fire trucks and parked it smack dab in the middle of a pool of five of the cutest firemen I have ever seen. These were not the usual, be-mulleted firemen that I usually see hanging around this fire station. Oh no. These were young, cute, crew cut, buff but not burly, tall, polite firemen. I mean, they were like calendar firemen. They were even wearing the fire pants and boots and suspenders and hats without shirts! Oh wait, no, that was just in my head. They were wearing matching t-shirts and pants. I'm telling you, if I had had one less infant and two much larger boobs we would have had the makings of the sort of movie I generally don't admit to ever having seen.
I played it pretty cool though. I casually got out of the car, chatted for a minute with fireman #1, and only licked one of them a teeny little bit and I think he barely noticed. Anyway, I pulled Mia out of the car, and they started inspecting the car seat, while I got busy inspecting the inspectors (while pretending to show Mia the fans and the trucks). Now, you know how they say that something like 146% of car seats are installed incorrectly? Well, I have the great misfortune of being married to the one man in the country who knows how to do it right. It was perfect. They tightened one of the straps a tiny bit, and then told me I was good to go. "Wait!" I said, "Wait! Don't you need to muscle it around a little bit and tug on those straps some more? Shouldn't three or four of you get in there and really make sure it is installed correctly, and then take off your shirts, because wow, it's so hot?"
Nope, they sure didn't. I was in and out of there in about three minutes, and that included getting Mia in and out of the car. Chris ruined my one legitimate chance to flirt with hot firemen. Not only that, he ruined my chance to flirt with hot firemen while they were working to protect my daughter, which we all know at least doubles the hotness right there.
I can never forgive him. It's just too much to ask. My only choice is to leave.