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Fire

I'm leaving Chris.

I know this is a shock to most of you, because we don't really talk about our marriage much on our blogs. Obviously, we've had our ups and downs like everyone else. This time, though, I just don't think I can forgive him. Now usually I don't like to air my dirty laundry online, but I feel like you guys deserve an explanation.

It all started this past weekend. As you know, Mia has crested the magic one-year mark and also weighs as much as most first graders, so Chris went out and turned her car seat around so it faced the front of the car. This was all well and good, and Mia really seemed to prefer facing front and has been much more pleasant about being strapped into her car seat.

That's pretty much the only thing she has been pleasant about lately. Those molars are still kicking her cute little ass and it has been a non-stop scream-fest around here more often than not for the past week. Yesterday, I decided I needed something to cheer me up, and the cookies just weren't cutting it anymore, so I loaded Mia into the car and drove up to the nearby fire station to have the car seat inspected. What could be better than firemen, right?

As instructed, I pulled my car into the fire station right behind the fire trucks and parked it smack dab in the middle of a pool of five of the cutest firemen I have ever seen. These were not the usual, be-mulleted firemen that I usually see hanging around this fire station. Oh no. These were young, cute, crew cut, buff but not burly, tall, polite firemen. I mean, they were like calendar firemen. They were even wearing the fire pants and boots and suspenders and hats without shirts! Oh wait, no, that was just in my head. They were wearing matching t-shirts and pants. I'm telling you, if I had had one less infant and two much larger boobs we would have had the makings of the sort of movie I generally don't admit to ever having seen.

I played it pretty cool though. I casually got out of the car, chatted for a minute with fireman #1, and only licked one of them a teeny little bit and I think he barely noticed. Anyway, I pulled Mia out of the car, and they started inspecting the car seat, while I got busy inspecting the inspectors (while pretending to show Mia the fans and the trucks). Now, you know how they say that something like 146% of car seats are installed incorrectly? Well, I have the great misfortune of being married to the one man in the country who knows how to do it right. It was perfect. They tightened one of the straps a tiny bit, and then told me I was good to go. "Wait!" I said, "Wait! Don't you need to muscle it around a little bit and tug on those straps some more? Shouldn't three or four of you get in there and really make sure it is installed correctly, and then take off your shirts, because wow, it's so hot?"

Nope, they sure didn't. I was in and out of there in about three minutes, and that included getting Mia in and out of the car. Chris ruined my one legitimate chance to flirt with hot firemen. Not only that, he ruined my chance to flirt with hot firemen while they were working to protect my daughter, which we all know at least doubles the hotness right there.

I can never forgive him. It's just too much to ask. My only choice is to leave.

Comments (47)

I'm going to have to back you up on this one. How dare he eliminate any chance you had at spending more time with hot calendar firemen! :)

Clearly, the man has NO respect for your happiness. I don't see how you've put up with it for this long.

And, um, just out of curiousity - where would this fire station be, exactly? Just in case I happen to be in DC and need a car seat inspected. You never know.

Yeah, leave the bum. How dare he do that to YOU! My god, what was he thinking.

Tell you what. I will come there and put the car seat in for you, because I am not even close to being any good at that kind of thing. Then we go back and have them check it out. I guarantee you that they will take hours to get it fixed right.

Only thing is, you gotta share the hunky firemen and make out with me too. Deal??

Woman, I love your humor! Thanks for the laugh.

Awe geeze, what a killjoy he is! I think I may be with you on this one! (wink, wink!!)

Well, he did ruin your chance at flirting with the hunky firemen. I'll give you that. You have every right to be a tad bit annoyed.

But you gotta admit, it's kinda cool that he's they type of dad that does things right to take care of his kid. That's got to be worth something.

Maybe just don't fix him dinner tonight.

Thanks for the morning laugh (I needed it) and the firemen imagery (which I REALLY needed)... I think I might just take the long way home by OUR local firehouse today!!

you only licked ONE?

damn, you've got mad self-control girl.

Don't leave him. Just set him on fire, say once a week and wait for the firemen to come and rescue him.

if that's not grounds for leaving, i don't know what is!! ;) on the other hand, if protecting your daughter adds to the hotness, then chris' hot quotient must be pretty good, too. right?

hahahahahahaha... ahhh me.... sounds like something Forrest would do to me.

awwww, that's fantastic, you have to admit. I like William's idea of lighting him on fire once a week so that the firemen will make housecalls! heh.

I feel for you Beth! I remember, once I was driving and went straight from the light instead of taking a turn. The straight road is a tiny single lane two way road with firestation being on one side. The only wasy to turn around without being hit by 10 cars is to pull into the concrete area of fire station and turn around and make go the reveerse direction on the straight road to make the turn. When I did this and was waiting for cars to cease coming in both directions, the cutest crew cut young boy walked over and was really nice to me. He asked me if he could help. It was so tough to tell him how REALLY he could. I just told him I took a wrong turn and need to go back so I pulled in. Before I could complete the statement I was all red in the face and went away when he smiled oh so cutely and asked me to take care. Ahhhhhhhh!

i was gonna suggest setting him on fire but someone already did that. You could get a few kittens (you need new cats anyway) and lovingly place them in a tree in your yard a few times a week and call the firement to rescuse them.

I know that's lame, but ti's the best i could do.

Firemen. Sigh. Chris has some nerve being all efficient and safety-minded and depriving you of hot firemen time.

Man, Chris is a bastard. Just make sure when you hand him the divorce papers you give him a big Donald Trump-style YOU'RE FIRED!

;-)

The motion to set Chris on fire has already been made and seconded, but I'll still add that I think that idea has some serious merit.

how dare he actually install a car seat correctly?! The nerve...

totally justifiable grounds for divorce. absolutely =P

A girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

Hmm... maybe you'll have some car trouble, and will need to put Mia's seat into a rental while the shop looks at it. Then you can have the hunky firemen check it again, since Chris would be at work and couldn't put the seat in for you.

Just take a screwdriver, and whack it around under the hood a little, poke some hoses, loosen some wires...

I wonder if you still need an inspection once they switch to a booster seat? I bet I do. Safety first, right? I'd better get right on that!

HahahahahahahahahahaIloveyouhahahahaha!
I have a thing for firemen, of the calendar variety, as well. We also happen to live about a half mile from the fire station and I pass it everyday, mulitple times. I have been known to roll down the window and hoot and whistle at the firemen while they are washing the fire truck with my boyfriend, of eight years, in the car! Oh. Yeah.

Damn you Chris!

Duh....you re-assemble the car seat and go back to the hottie Firemen. Must I think of everything?

Also, what about Hottie Mchothot Pediatrician?

Share already, would ya? I put in a formal request to babysit Mia after you and I install the carseat incorrectly into my vehicle so I can visit another group of Firemen. Cause I don't want to intrude on your territory.

Have your peeps give mine a call....

What an ass! Send him packing!

Just so you know, Sparkle Pants just IMd me to tell me that she read this and at first glance she thought you were serious and she was going to burst into tears.

Oh, you definately have cause for upset here. Firemen are the best! They save kittens from trees and that's just sexy.

If you want those hotty firemen to come to you, you can do what I did. My carbon monoxide detector kept making a really annoyingly loud beep. I was sure we were being poisoned. I called the non 911 number as it's a slow poison. They came, horns blaring, sirens roaring. It was just my battery. I was embarrassed, they were cute, and gave my girls fun hats. Chris can't argue with that one!

what the hell was he thinking, installing the car seat correctly?!?!?!? i have no idea how you put up with him. the least he could do is offer to wear the fireman's gear for you.

Yes--leaving him does seem to be the answer...sorry to see such a good thing ruined!!!! And when coping with the loss-- maybe another lick!

When did you turn into a nympho? Don't you know that that leads to dancing?

and how do yummy firemen taste? i've always wondered.

I read the first line and my heart sunk (I had no idea I was so emotinally involved in your blog) and I had to read the end before I read the whole blog just to be sure. I do the same thing with scary parts books.

Clearly, CLEARLY, leaving him is your only recourse. I actually think there is a chapter on this exact situation in Emily Post for Old Marrieds. She says the only proper thing to do is leave him.

first it's the hottie doctor...now it's the hottie firemen...next thing you know he'll be sabotaging a rendezvous with Clive.

(he...i totally just wanted to use the word rendezvous...)

You scared me!!! Don't do that!!! :) But it was only for a second, after I realized, DUH! I read on and grew very jealous of the situation you got in until it was all ruined by Chris and his ability to strap in a car seat. I'm so disappointed...Beth, women like us, when faced with this kind of wrinkle in an otherwise perfect plan...well what we do is START A FIRE...and right away. It's ok. Next time. Next time you'll know better! :)

Bastard. Selfish bastard.

Also, I think it would have been MORE than appropriate to ask them to remove their shirts before looking in your car. After all, you wouldn't want to...I don't know (see them with their shirts on is what I'm going for here).

See, I *told* you to forget about the hottie pediatrician and to go for the firemen - strength in numbers. And thanks for the mental eye candy!

Oh my god, I need a baby and a car seat like RIGHT NOW. My neighbors just had a baby...maybe I can borrow him?

Back to the ring stuck on the finger idea.

that "lick" line was too much. You are too funny! I'm so not into firemen. But, (thanks to you) it's good to know that some of them actually are hott. ;)

It's a cryin' shame, your story is.

You totally had me going there at first. I was sad, sad, SAD. You are bad, bad, BAD! Laughing now though!

Sounds as though Chris is definitely worth a few buff firemen. After all, the man is always at least two steps ahead. The extra effort alone to make sure the car seat was right! Chuckling to himself no doubt about thwarting another plan.

Okay...you had me going there for....a second. *whew*

ummmmm, fireman. why are they so hot. even the Australian ones here (Perth, Western Australia) are super hot. There was this one time we had a false alarm but the fireman were tooo CUTE!! ummmm, fireman.

Mmmmmmmmmm calender firemen.

You did got me there for a moment. I thought: NOOOO the perfect couple with the cutest baby girl are splitting up?
I'm so relieved you were just joking.

And again, mmmmmmmm calender firemen.

This one made me laugh out loud. I've never seen those movies either. Uh-huh, NEVAH.

Totally unforgivable, by the way.

Obviously!

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So the Fish Said...

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