Y'all suck at guessing. Well, most of you anyway. However, you are very good at making fun of my hair. I'm considering a retrospective of yearbook photos, just to scare you all a little bit.
Anyway, I had decaf passionfruit iced tea lemonade with...
... are you ready for this...
...not-Benjamin. Not-Benjamin did not have decaf passionfruit iced tea lemonade, for those playing along at home. He had an iced coffee as big as my head and a bottle of water that he let Mia throw on the floor 86 times.
It was great to see him, mostly. I mean, it always kind of sucks to see someone again after 10 years, doesn't it? It's all awkward and weird and you have to sit there and do the "so, how's your mom?" stuff and run through all the people from high school you have heard from in the last ten years. And well, maybe that's fine for you guys, but I absolutely suck at small talk so for me it kinda blows. It also sucks that he is still calling me on all my bullshit, which he did in high school and it drove me crazy and I had hoped that in the last 10 years I had at least gotten better at it, but apparently not.
So, we did the general catch-up part and managed to hit on death and religion and he managed to tell me I was "jive" which nobody has said to me since, um, he said it to me 15 years ago so that made me giggle. And then I bullied him into letting me take a picture for my blog, which he didn't want me to do which doesn't make sense as he has his own website with pictures (no, I will not give you the link). I was going to post the picture anyway, but suddenly I am having an attack of conscience so you will all just have to suffer.
I did ask if I could use his real name, and he said no. The nerve! Actually, he said something about how this is fiction anyway, but I disagree. I mean, just because I make shit up doesn't mean it's fiction. I prefer to think of it as a Freyian memoir. However, not-Benjamin he wants to be so not-Benjamin he will remain.
I have, however, had a fabulous idea! (Come on, you know how much you love my fabulous ideas.) Not-Benjamin is currently single, and some of you are currently single, and I was thinking what I should do is raffle him off. It would be great, see? One of you could date him and then tell me about it and the 12-year-old Beth could live vicariously through you. Except that since you would be enacting my eighth grade fantasy, you would have to spend most of your time holding hands by your locker and having your mom drive you to the movies. It sounds great, doesn't it?
See, the crazy thing about not-Benjamin is that he was an incredibly sexy 12-year-old. I mean, he had the zits and bad hair like the rest of us, but on him it worked. And naturally, being a happily married woman I no longer notice such things, but if you met him then you might notice that he is still pretty damned hott. He was also very sweet to Mia and even held her for a minute (although he did look a bit like I had just handed him a grenade and kept the pin). He also writes poetry, and that's supposed to be romantic, right? (Although the last time a boyfriend wrote a poem for me it was really, really bad, and then he pulled out his guitar and started playing it very badly and then I had to leave the room because I was crying but I made it seem like I was just really moved.)
Oh, right. Anyway, I think a raffle would be great and we can donate the proceeds to charity or something. I told not-Benjamin that I think a couple of you are a little in love with him anyway based on the comment or two he has left here so I could totally hook him up with the internet ladies. He response was "wait, aren't they sort of stalkers?" And I said yes, some, but in the very nicest possible way. So, what do you think? I figure we can get it going now and then whoever wins will have time to get to know not-Benjamin a little bit before the Fall and then he can invite you to the first after-school dance at our old junior high and you can tease your bangs and he'll flip up his collar and it will be totally, totally radical.
Comments (28)
hooray for boredom! 2 posts in one day
Posted by ktjrdn | August 2, 2006 2:32 PM
You have no idea how often I've wanted to do this w/ my own single guy friends. In fact, at the end of this month? I'll be seeing all 5 of my closests guy friends from college (who introduced me to Forrest, who happened to be best friends w/ most of them in HS). And most of them are single, thus qualifying for the raffle...
Posted by Corinne | August 2, 2006 2:59 PM
Hey, I love younger men. It's a thing I have about seeing who wears who out first. Grrr....so far I am doing pretty good. You should see the look on their eyes when they ask me how old I am again. lol silly boys.
Oh, wait, is he easy? If he isn't easy then I might not be interested. Of course, then I would have to use my skills to get him where I want him. I haven't had to use them in awhile. You know the saying...use them or lose them.
hee hee hee
Posted by Red | August 2, 2006 3:02 PM
no raffle. do a live auction.
$20.
Posted by RzDrms | August 2, 2006 3:09 PM
going once. going twice! sold! to the very hott rzdrms.
Posted by RzDrms | August 2, 2006 3:11 PM
Hmm, is he well-stocked with frequent flyer miles? Otherwise, I'd have to pass...distance and all...lol.
This "(although he did look a bit like I had just handed him a grenade and kept the pin)" is the PERFECT description of every childless man I have ever seen hold a baby--made me laugh even more than your husband's old mullet and I almost wet myself for that one!
Posted by Jaycie | August 2, 2006 3:11 PM
Do the retro please. Chris already has a head start with his mullet.
Forgot to mention it but that picture of you with Callie is just beautiful.
Posted by ann adams | August 2, 2006 3:24 PM
"(Although the last time a boyfriend wrote a poem for me it was really, really bad, and then he pulled out his guitar and started playing it very badly and then I had to leave the room because I was crying but I made it seem like I was just really moved.)" ... and then Chris married you because you were so moved by his song? That was nice of you. ;)
Sorry... I couldn't resist. hee.
Posted by Manda | August 2, 2006 4:23 PM
So by stalkers, you totally meant ME. Don't deny it! I know the truth. I mean, I was pretty much watching you type up this post and I swear I heard you mutter my name.
And for the record, I SO could never get my bangs to do that, so the 6th grade me is soooooooooo jealous of the 8th grade you.
Posted by Sparkle Pants | August 2, 2006 4:48 PM
Beth?
You need a new hobby.
I mean seriously.
Raffling off highschool crushes?
I would be SO into that..if you know..I was single.
heh. You slay me
Posted by Pamalamadingdong | August 2, 2006 6:10 PM
Not single here, but it sounds like a brilliant idea. Boys are so much fun to play with, after all.
Posted by Elaine | August 2, 2006 7:17 PM
You crack me up. Raffling him off is a fabulous idea!
Posted by mamatulip | August 2, 2006 7:43 PM
I'm single but I'm many, many miles away. Otherwise I'd be buying all kinds of raffle tickets.
Posted by Beth in StL | August 2, 2006 8:29 PM
I'm totally not single, but I'd be happy to live vicariously through someone else who is!
And I can't wait for the retrospective of yearbook pictures. Do you have the photo frame in the shape of a school bus that holds your pictures from every year 1st - 12th grade? No? Oh, maybe my mom is the only person who ever subjected us to that torture.
Posted by Sharri | August 2, 2006 9:16 PM
This is a wonderful idea. But, really, I think maybe you should raffle him off to Chris so you can take another crack at the calendar-worthy firemen. Just a thought.
Posted by Annie | August 3, 2006 12:39 AM
Um ...Beth? You know, I usually love your idears, but as we both live in Virginia, I thought I might kindly direct your attention to any of the number of historic sites we have here, that, while not consecrated nor hallowed, serve to remind us of the sorts of outcomes one can expect when they begin holding auctions on people who weren't aware they were up for auction in the first place :) I agree with your friend, we need to find you a new hobby :) Might I suggest buying a fireman from Ebay? Until then, I will be sending Mia six cases of bottled water to keep you otherwise occupied :)
Posted by Not Benjamin | August 3, 2006 12:46 AM
Before you do the raffle, could we put him in a dunking booth? You know, for the full effect. And cotton candy! We definitely need cotton candy and a jumpy castle for all the kids.
Posted by samantha | August 3, 2006 7:28 AM
This is like the SO the Fish Said Homecoming king and queen.
Posted by william | August 3, 2006 8:23 AM
If i wasn't already taken by a charming geek, I think I'd be just a little bit in love with not-Benjamin.
in a totally non-internet-stalker way. really ;)
Posted by suze | August 3, 2006 9:09 AM
Firemen? on ebay? I like the way Not Benjamin thinks! ;)
Posted by Traci | August 3, 2006 9:16 AM
But we're really very sweet internet stalkers, once you get to know us.
Posted by Kate the Shrew | August 3, 2006 9:20 AM
I was going t offer 35cents, but someone already offered $20.
In case they cant cough it up, I stand firm at 35 cents.
Posted by jessica | August 3, 2006 11:58 AM
I was going t offer 35cents, but someone already offered $20.
In case they cant cough it up, I stand firm at 35 cents.
Posted by jessica | August 3, 2006 11:58 AM
Yeah, I live in NoVA, and I'm in. I think the current price is $20? Wait a sec, I don't pay for dates. But I do have a bit of a crush on this not-Benjamin, based completely on his comments.
Posted by Sara | August 3, 2006 12:09 PM
well?! so??? is the live auction over yet or what? did my $20 offer win? should i tease my hair for the date, or just crimp it and then tie it up with a fancy bow??? socks with sandals?! help me!!! first dates make me so nervous.
Posted by RzDrms | August 3, 2006 5:52 PM
i've WON! ::falling to the ground in a state of ecstasy with my pantyhose all in a jumble::
Posted by RzDrms | August 3, 2006 8:51 PM
Today's Headline: Surburban Mom Turns Pimp Momma.
Posted by Aurelia | August 4, 2006 2:21 AM
Heh. Poor guy. I'd be up for a raffle, but I'm probably too young for him anyway. Oh, and way too far away.
Posted by Heather | August 5, 2006 4:12 PM