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I had this whole post written about my boobs (what else?), but then I started counting up all the people I know in "real life" who are reading this blog now, and I got a little self-conscious. I don't know why I am more comfortable telling the internet about my boobs than I am telling other people, possibly because the internet is not likely to bring it up the next time we meet for lunch.

Anyway, I will get over myself sooner rather than later, I am sure, and tell you everything you never wanted to know about the current state of my boobs. In the meantime, um, gosh. In the meantime, I have nothing. Apparently we either talk about my boobs or we just don't talk.

I know! And this is even marginally relevant to the (boob) topic at hand. If I came to your house and searched all your closets and drawers and even the closet under the stairs in the basement, what's the most embarassing thing I would find? Oh come, you can tell me. It's just us here, you, me, and the internet at large. Tell me, and then tomorrow I will tell you.

Comments (61)

Well, first of all, it would be the STATE of my closets. Husband's closet is a little better, but mine? Is a horror show. Then I would be embarrassed at the amount of clothes I possess that I can't wear anymore, and some that I probably will never wear again - because I like to eat far, far too much.

Oh, and the Joy of Sex book in Husband's closet - because his closet has a bookshelf, so it's out of sight of potential vistors, like MY PARENTS.

Hmm. The most embarrassing thing? My college transcript I guess. I haven't been as diligent as I would like I'm sad to say. The first thing that occurred to me was my stash of Penthouse Letters books but that's not really embarrassing per se, just hokey. :D

Probably the porn collection. Although, I'm not really that embarrassed by it. Hmmm... Maybe the hole in the carpet in our bedroom from the time that my husband shot himself in the foot? We still haven't told the family about that one. very embarrassing

It would be the massive supply of anal lube in the naughty drawer. It's like he thinks if he keeps on buying it I'll just give in and agree to do that thing that would require it.

He's a funny man, my husband.

I don't know if I'm ready to divulge the most embarrassing thing in *my* house, but I will share that shortly after we moved in, my husband was adding some shelves in a large closet in our basement. After moving some paneling that was being stored, he discovered that there was some junk underneath the stairs.

If by "junk" you mean 4 porn tapes. The type where the box is 3 times larger than the tape.

The box of porn and vibrators that I keep under my bed, which I am not embarrased or ashamed of in the least. Hell, even my parents know about my stash. A lady has to be able to take care of herself, right?

What's embarrasing is how many times a week I use my treasure box. Now, THAT I wouldn't want anyone knowing!

Cheesy christian music from middle school..... i still have those cds, why?? onlly God himself knows... but yeah it's pretty embarassing

just seeing my house in it's current state would be embarrassing enough. you don't even have to search, for me to be embarrassed. i mean, go ahead and open the drawer in the nightstand next to my bed. i don't care, by the time you reach my bedroom, i would have died of embarrassment.

when i first started blogging, i talked about my boobs a lot, as i was about to get a breast redcution. i was so used to people looking at them, prodding them, drawing on them, taking pictures of them, and, finally, reducing them, i would have shown off my scars to just about anyone who asked. at the time.

Hmm, while there is nothing embarrassing about vibes, per se...having a broken one for the past four years definitely is another story. The end with the controls for the motor--gone, which kind of defeats the purpose. Other than that, my closets are freakishly neat. I even hang my clothes by color and sleeve length.

All of your readers have porn stashed in their closets. Hmmm.

My closets are CLEAN.


Yeah, the sex toys and porn would be embarrassing if seen by the wrong people, but they are, by far, not the worst. The most embarrassing thing, if you looked through everything, including the boxes in the attic? It would be my Jordan Knight doll. Complete with microphone and gray plastic fedora.

I'm kinda proud of the porn (recommendation for you and your readers - Pirates! It's hilarious.) and vibrators so I don't think I'd be too embarrassed unless extended family members saw it. As for embarrassing... um... I guess the incredibly huge amounts of dog hair that lurks just out of sight. So, which was the overshare?

Definitely the porn and sex toys. I don't so much care about you guys seeing it, but sometimes I think about what would happen if my husband and I died and our parents had to come to the house and go through our belongings. Makes me want to go home and clean up, as well as designate someone in my will to be in charge of the boxing up of our stuff. Someone not related to us. I don't want my dad to see my sex toys, you know?

Oh, no ya don't...I ain't fallin' for THAT one.

Two things: First, when we moved into this house a year ago the previous owners never removed the filthy huge old HUNTING MEAT FREEZER from the garage. We don't hunt. Or eat a tons of meat, even, so we unplugged it. And, um. Now there are things growing in there. Moldy dead meat things. We haven't opened it in ten months because we are scared, and we haven't bothered to try to get rid of it because we are lazy.

The other thing would be the random playhouse in the backyard that we have completely filled from top to bottom with cardboard boxes. See above, for too lazy to remove things.

Seeing as how we're in the middle of packing for the big move on the 1st, I think you'd open all my closets to be overwhelmed by packed boxes. I have three weeks to go, and nearly my entire house is packed. I'm anal.

Under normal circumstances, what in my closet would embarass me... not a whole lot, as I'm difficult to embarass, but I'd have to say... *drum roll*

Our "naughty picture" collection. Not normal porn, noo. Photos of me, in interesting getups, in pinup poses, in full white regalia under the shower head. I don't want another SOUL to see those pictures.

Ok, let's do this, you email me the post you WANTED to send with a few pics as proof about your boobs and then I'll let you know if you should post it.

Or not ...

BTW - you should have posted about what we voted on. Since it was a public vote it falls under the Public Information Act so I think we need to know which fish you flushed down the toilet that we voted on.

And Red can send me copies of her closet pics.


I don't think you'd find much of anything interesting in my closets, since I've been nesting like a fool and cleaning everything in sight.

Um, now that I think of it... maybe cat poop. They don't like my house-cleaning very much, and the standard Kitty Stress Response is apparently to poop somewhere other than the litter box.

Of course, the rule is that I don't touch the stuff since I'm pregnant, so my husband has been spending a lot of time wandering around the house with a roll of paper towels and a bottle of carpet cleaner. I sort of love that.

I have no porn, but I do have the next closest thing -- romance novels! Lots and lots of them, all featuring covers of half-naked, beautiful men and women in passionate embraces.

My only defense is that I am a graduate student in science, and these are the silliest things that I read the whole live-long day.

My wedding pictures.

In Vegas.

And almost 6 months pregnant.

In a white dress.


We're divorced now.

Shocking, I know.

Since you got me thinking of boobs, and I want to mention an alternative to the common sex toys response... I'm going with my assortment of chicken cutlet boobs that I wear every day to fill out my bras. Until I can bill my once breastfed child for the replacement cost (implants), those suckers will remain my secret shame.

Right now it is the state of the entire house. Since I have been down and out, and Hubby refuses to even try to take care of the place, the house looks liek a disaster! I'm slowly going crazy with this. But what am I supposed to do? Take a chance with my vision so that I have clean floors? I think not!

You're coming over to look around my house? Geez, I had better clean up the 4 foot dust bunny in my front hallway and shove the dirty socks and underwear under the bed. I also need to find a place to stash my currently screaming-for-apparently-no-reason toddler and find an adorable and well behaved child to pass off as my own Lady.

As soon as I take care of all that, I assure you that you will find nothing overly embarassing. I think. We'll see what you can find and come to a conclusion later.

The embarassing amount of A-cup bras that no longer fit me because after breastfeeding, my boobs can't even FILL an A-cup anymore. I went from a B to A after my oldest was weaned... and after weaning my daughter a few months ago? Sheesh. I can't even fill an A. It's distressing. I have a pile of too-big bras ready to be donated to Goodwill.

You want embarassing? I'll give you (potentially)embarassing. I have a, uhm...ahem..."toy" know, the kind for massaging those hard to reach kinks in your neck...and it is missing. In my house. Somewhere. I have no idea where. I am dreading the day we move and the in-laws are here helping to pack. I will DIE.

Wow, uh...ok I guess for me the most embarrasing thing you would find in my closet is my collection of VESTS that I am holding on to for some unknown reason. Wait, that's a lie. I am keeping them becuase I just know some day they will come back and I will have all the cool ones. Yiles. Was that embarassing or what?

P.S. I can't believe I missed your Blog Tour 2006. I'm so sad. My fault.

You do know that "Yiles" was supposed to be "Yikes", right?

how embarassing!

Honestly? Nothing. No sex toys. No lubes. No dust bunnies. Nada. I clean my closets frequently so I'm always giving crap away.

I guess this makes me boring. Sigh. Now I gotta go out and buy anal beads or something, right?

You have the coolest readers. I am so lame. Mine is the Spice Girls Movie.

Yeah, I think I will also go with the state of my house. I'm in the middle of painting and there is a nice layer of cat hair developing on the carpet.
The piŠce de r‚sistance however is that Big Cat doesn't like to use the litter box at all, so there's always the lovely stench of cat pee when you walk in the door.

I need to hire a maid. Or kill the cat. Of course I can't kill the cat and I can't afford a maid. This is my life, aren't you all jealous?

this houses former owners, buried in the basment.
Also, my mutant cousin whom I keep chained under the deck.

Good lord pervs!

hee hee hee

Mine would have to be the journal pages filled with woe and angst all the way back from yesterday to when I was like eleven. The patheticness of the writing would KILL me if it saw the light of day.

I have several bottles of water in my closet, which might not be too totally weird if it wasn't for the fact that they're there in case of Apocalypse. Saying that to the internets makes me think that I'm more of a wacko than I'd thought, and that maybe I should pick up some granola bars or some astronaut food while I'm at it.

I just realized what a boring life I lead.

All I can think of is a half eaten sandwich lurking behind the couch or the closet half full of vcr tapes (maybe 500 with 3 or 4 movies on each) that my husband will never watch again but will not throw away.

They're numbered, indexed, (by me) and totally useless.

He even has a few betamax tapes and we haven't had a machine in years. (But who knows, he might find one at a garage sale - can't get rid of those).

I'm with the woman and the christian music! Its there, and every one in awhile my friends find it, and there ribbing begins!

I would be mortified if someone were to actually discover the horrible state of the cat box in the basement.

And do I need to mention the collection of toys in my nightstand? I didn't think so...

Big blue (my handy-dandy do-it-yourself toy) and how disasterously messy my house is.

My romance novels, definitely. I like to pretend to be an intelligent, well-read invdividual, but my reading selection gives me away.

an obscene amount of clutter, and a complete lack of organization.

A polaroid of when I won a Fredrick's of Hollywood contest a long time ago.

...Don't ask.

I'll level with you most horribly embarrassing things, straight up. The wads of tissues that didn't make it into the trash can from a handjob I gave my fiance last night next to the bed. And, when I suffer from a yeast infection, my panties are hidden, from everyone.

If you looked in any of my closets you would be lost forever in the space time and never be heard from again.

As for embarrasing...probably my B.O.Bs and the black lacy teddy. That is if you consider any of those embarrasing.

I think they are very fun to have and wear around the house with my special friends. At least my special friends like them.

HA! Not telling.

Well we dont keep our sex toys in the closet so I cant say that but I wouldnt tink that was an embarrasing thing to have anyways just normal.
I would also have to just say the closet itself. My whole house is clean but the closet is the one place I am totally ashamed of. Clothes never seem to get hung up just thrown in a pile onto the floor. I feel like a closet glutton because of all the crap in there that doesnt belong in there. Sigh.

Closets? Not so much. They're messy and all, but there's nothing in them that would embarass me. The state of the basement, though; that's another story. It's pathetic. We moved in seven years ago and have YET to unpack 20 or so boxes of books. There may be other stuff, too. I'm not sure. And the basement has become our repository of all things "junk". It's not finished (concrete floors and exposed floor joists) so we don't ever use it except for laundry.


But no porn. I feel left out.

Well when I first had the baby, in the first month I was advised by my mom to buy a girdle. I wore it like three times since. It's so uncomfortable and I rather have the flabby belly shrink naturally anyway. So that's what you would find!

btw, do you know about this link? It's on your pretend bf

Nothing too exciting to share as far as what you would find, but if you want to talk boobs, check out my blog archives from August, namely the good, the bad, and the gone. I can't link to it because I'm an html idiot. Sigh.

Well, I was gonna say my New Kids on the Block tape (yes I said TAPE) from waaaaaay back when. But then I saw that somone has a Jordan Knight doll and that's WAY worse than the tape. So now I don't feel bad.
As for porn and toys, if we all have them, what's to be embarassed about? ;)

Gonna have to go with the Jackrabbit and the porn. Except that I prefer pornographic NOVELS so there aren't any pictures. Which is why they're still safe in the nightstand -- Sweet Pea can't read yet.

Excuse me... I think I need to be alone now...

all kinds of crazy sex toys, and weird porn! haha Not that I'm ashamed of it, but really I wouldn't want someone to find it.

To the commenter that said "sometimes I think about what would happen if my husband and I died and our parents had to come to the house and go through our belongings." I DO TO!! HAHA At least I'm not the only one who thinks about that!!

I would totally bring it up at lunch, but then again, I talk about poop on a regular basis too. I'll make a great old person.

Even more embarrassing then the, ahem, toys and books, are my old HS yearbooks. I went through a stage of trying to shed the "cute and perky" in favor of trying to be angsty and dark. So, two of my classmates called me on my poser-troubled thing by signing full pages of my yearbooks (sophmore and junior year) with their "Destruction Incorporated" ads with rates for how they would help me off myself. It's sort of sick, in restrospect, but also sort of funny.

good grief you toy-wielding pervos!
Okay, I *think* there *might* be old porn squirreled away in my house . . .

BUT, the only thing anyone is _likely_ to stumble into and be embaressed by is my flannel menstrual pads.

Buy 'em once, use 'em 'till they fall apart - super bonus that dog never finds and marches around with them because the dirties hide in a hamper instead of the trash. The clean ones live in the cabinet under the bathroom sink, ready to pounce on anyone nosy enough to paw though my stuff.

That's right . . I said it . . .
I have the most eco-friendly crotch on the block . . . ;)

I have been racking by brain for something, but when you know that everyone else has porn, it is not as embarassing, you know? I would go with all my profound expressions of emotion and angst in the form of both writing AND painting...I was so artsy. That or my trilogy of the Claiming of Sleeping Beauty Books.

I can't tell you, actually. Because we might meet. And then I would be mortified. So how about the next most embarrassing? That would sadly huge collection of angsty teenage poetry. I mean, it's pretty bad. And embarrassing.

What is this "beth censored" business?
You'll have to start a THIRD blog for readers who are perfect strangers (as opposed to blogging for money and blogging for perfect strangers plus "those you lunch with").
You'll be busy.

LOL Jef, NO ONE gets to look at my naughty pictures. I think the naughtiest of my photos that made it out of sight are up on Bonnie's Shape of a Mother blog, displaying my sagging, stretchy stomach for all the world to see. Which I don't mind, for some odd reason, but if the world would see my ass, I'd die.

I just realized how incredibly odd that is.

I'm inclined to agree with Sam, that it sould be the state of my closets (garage, etc.) that would embarrass me most. Plus the *huge* pile of clean laundry currently residing directly in front of my closet, waiting to be put away.

Well, and also there's a pair of leather handcuffs somewhere, which were (I swear!) part of a Halloween costume TechDad wore one year.

I think the two most embarrassing things at my house are (1) the toilet, and (2) the cat box. Both of them need cleaning so badly, I would be embarrassed even from beyond the grave if someone else saw them. My little stack of porn? Meh. Practically everyone has that, apparently. Besides, mine is the Nancy Friday "maybe it's just sociological research" variety. But the filth of my household? There's no explaining that.

the most embarrassing thing you'd find in my house is probably a video of a dance competition I was in. I was 15, and my costume was riding up my ass. I had a total wedgy, and I was wearing nude-coloured tights....Yikes! It's all on video: me, alone on the stage, dancing, with a wedgy....

OMG, these comments are hilarious!! It's amazing how many people are so self-conscience of their houses! Me, too! Does it smell like cat pee? (I just cleaned the litterbox this morning.) Why is there dirty clothes in the living room? (Hubby is to lazy to put in the basket.) Are those pesky roaches back? (I spray, and spray, but our nasty neighbors practically INVITE them to the neighborhood.)
This is gross, but I think the most embarassing for me would be the bugs. Because I am SUCH a cleaning freak, and it really grosses me out to have them in MY HOUSE!! YUK!

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So the Fish Said...

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