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On Sunday I braved the scale for the first time in a while and made a horrifying discovery. Remember when I was bitching about how fat and poochy and sort of doughy I am? And I said I thought I needed to lose five or eight or maybe even ten pounds? Well, I threw that ten pounds in there just to be outrageous, because come one, I may be slightly more rotund around the middle these days and may also be muffintopping it all over town because I refuse to buy fat pants, but surely, I thought, there was no way I needed to lose ten pounds. Maybe eight, sure, but not ten.

I am eleven pounds over my pre-pregnancy weight. Eleven. E. Lev. En. Meaning I have also gained eleven pounds since January. Fuck me. I mean, not that you would want to since I am so lumpy these days. Well ok, maybe if you turned the lights off you wouldn't notice so much. Oh nevermind, that wasn't the point anyway. Not that I have a point, other than ELEVEN. I've basically been doing sit-ups non-stop since Sunday afternoon, frequently with the added benefit of Mia sitting on my stomach because she thinks this is a really fun game. Also because it is super comfortable being all soft and gooey, sort of like a nice, overstuffed recliner. Fuck me.

So ok, apparently my point is twofold. One, ELEVEN. Two, fuck me.

In unrelated news, this morning I decided that my precious, beautiful, perfect in all ways offspring could not possibly live another day in a house with dirty curtains, so I took them all down and washed them. This freaked the kid right the hell out. Turns out, toddlers are not so much for change. I then realized, far too late to save myself, that washing all the curtains meant ironing all the curtains, which I have not yet done, and which I must go do now instead of curling up in my nice soft bed with my book because without curtains there is nothing to shield my innocent and unsuspecting neighbors from the horrifying sight of my pot belly.

My point is now threefold. One, ELEVEN. Two, fuck me. Three, next time I decide to break out the domestic goddess act, somebody smack me. Just don't smack me on the belly because the jiggle will make me cry.

Comments (38)

I am jealous that you only have 11 to lose. I have lost about 14 and have about 20 left. Twenty. Now there's a number for you...

Just remember that you are loved, jiggling or not, and that under the fluff is a skinny body, waiting to be found.

This is what I keep telling myself, at least, and I'm really hoping at this point that it's not a lie. :o)

Whenever I even get a whiff that people are about to say kids are chaotic I always make the time to correct them and tell them that on the contrary, kids are the most anal-retentive obsessive compulsive individuals you'll ever have the pleasure of meeting. you know now. you move a table even an inch and that throws kids for a fucking loop. for the next two years you got this person asking you, "remember when that table was over there? it's over here now but it used to be over there. you moved it but it used to be over there." yeah, not being ones for change is an understatement.

Oh Beth, I can comiserate (spelling?) right along with you..... never before in my life have I ever had a "belly"...... (sigh) and yet, there it is, laughing at my every morning (which is supposed to be the skinnest time of day)

From what I've seen, you still look great, eleven pounds or not.

But I know that doesn't make you feel too much better, because people tell me the same all the time. Only my number is seventeen.

heh, my youngest was very much the same (she's six now). She was napping when I decided to take the cover off of our futon mattress (shut up, I did so NOT have it since college) and when she woke up, the banshee - wailing kept me from understanding, at first, that she was upset that someone "boke' her "cowt".
Very against change, that one. She also wanted to wear the same bright red velour dress every day for months.

Who washes and irons curtains? Do you hire out? Don't worry too much about #1, it will work itself out in the end. As for #2, there will always be someone.

Eleven pounds? Bite me. And I mean that in the nicest possible way.

I understand where you're coming from. I've gained seven pounds since July, and it needs to come off, like, yesterday. Plus a few extra. 10 would be perfect. Good luck!

"It goes to eleven." - Nigel

Me? I have eleven pounds to lose, too. In my left arm.

Yeah, I have anti-elastibelly too and I almost cried about it yesterday.

And I haven't weighed myself lately because I'm too scared to.

But...washing curtains? WHY? Why would you even bother thinking thoughts like that? Let alone actually doing it? Mia was right about it all along. Hang the damn things and gravity will take care of the rest in time. :)

You mean when your curtains are dirty you don't just throw them away and buy new curtains?!?
Wow, what planet are you from?

Forget ironing! Just do as I do and buy that anti-wrinkle spray and mist your clothes and other items with chemicals. It's safe for kids, right?

As for the extra pounds...I'm right there with ya. *sniffle*

I have gained more weight since I have been on medication for this stomach thing. I was on some meds a few years ago where I gained 30 pounds in 2 weeks. I lost it on another med in 3 weeks. I'm desperately trying to get back to the weight I like.


Sorry about the ELEVEN. I think I gained close to that this year too, though on top of the extra baby weight I was still carrying. I'd never been overweight for more than a month before I got pregnant, much less for three stinking years. Let's blame being "29-somethings", shall we?

Ironing??? Feh! Just tumble them in the dryer again and then re-hang them still warm. If the wrinkles don't pull themselves out that way, just call it a design choice!

I've never posted, but I'm compelled after this second post about your weight. I won't spend time as I'm sure others will telling you how petite you look in all of your photos, because, while true, in some ways this is beside the point.

I love to read your post, love your wit and insights, and that's why I'm disappointed to hear you so self-critical about your body, especially with a young daughter to raise in a culture that makes women feel so awful about their bodies. I know she's too young to read this post, so what's the harm, but even if you tell her every day for years to come that her body is beautiful, if you talk badly about your own, she'll likely absorb that, too.

Me again--never post, now twice in one day. But the minute I hit "send," I thought: oh no, Beth is going to think I'm doing that thing she hates--offering unsolicited parenting advice when I have no business doing so, and she's clearly such a good, thoughtful mother that I would hate if she read the post that way.

So I wanted to clarify (is this what everyone goes through the first time they post?) that I posted the first comment because women (myself included) just jump on the "look how fat I am" bandwagon and it seems to be happening in the comments section whenever you mention your weight, and I think we should try to teach ourselves to not have that be our auto-pilot response, especially when there is a new generation of women being raised.

Comiserating with you, I've also got some "wherethehelldidyoucomefrom" weight to lose - 1/2 of my wardrobe is "off limits" 'cause I don't want to look like I haven't noticed that my stomach is poochin' out.

At great risk of pissing off all kinds of people:
It sucks to deviate from "I-work-hard-to-maintain-a-healthy-weight" to "oh-crap-why-don't-my-trousers-fit" because anyone bigger than you gets really hostile if you *dare* to mention that you're trying to get back in shape.
So you have to find other not-so-big people to rant with, and you don't want not-so-big people thinking that they're bigger than they actually are . . . add a twist of lime and you've got a foot-in-mouth disaster in the making.

In short? You're brave to mention 11 pounds. Try to have fun losing them!

Remember what I told you. :)

I have heard that #2 can burn calories that can help with #1 and I am sure that Chris, with all the #2 hapenning will help with #3 (not the smacking part but actually doing the chores) because there is no kind of motivator to do housework than the dangling carrot of #2.

Normally, I shrug off people when they stress about stuff like this. I'd always been someone who "didn't care" about weight, etc.

BUT. I have succomb. I totally know this feeling. I RAN, ON PURPOSE, not to get anywhere on Sunday night (and will again tonight.)

We'll win in the end.

(oh my god am i sore)

I hit 10 after the first pregnancy and never managed to get it off. Then I got another 10 with pregnancy No. 2! Yeah that's right...I'm was up TWENTY!!!!! So this year I took 15 off. Then I went off of the pill and gained 10 back! Christ. Damn hormones! I guess I really need to hit the gym!

Beth, you are hilarious. Thankfully, W has worn out the battery on my electronic scale so, in my world, I'm Twiggy...and rich.

Beth, you are hilarious. Thankfully, W has worn out the battery on my electronic scale so, in my world, I'm Twiggy...and rich.

Are we really supposed to wash the curtains? Seriously????

I haven't had kids, so I don't have a pre-pregnancy weight. But I certainly need to lose more than 11 pounds to be what would be deemed acceptable.

I saw your ass (under your very punk-chic ripped shirt) and I'm not buying the "fat". You look great, Beth.

oh, my dear, i hear you. loud and clear.
i, too, HAD lost all my baby weight and now have gained 8. that i can't freakin lose.

i - once upon a time - recommended south beach to you - but it didn't work for me. beware.

clearly...i have no advice. just know that i'm over here in the great white north...with my big floppy pooch of a belly.

Dude, you so should have waited until after Christmas to step on that scale. Now your holidays are ruined. Ru. Ined.

I'm between 10 and 13 over my pre-pregnancy weigh, 20-25 over the official medical "overweight" line for my height, and 30 over what I was on my birthday 5 years ago. I went to the gym three time last week and three times the week before. I'm hoping to be down 10 pounds by Valentine's day. But I'm not holding my breath. I'm trying to internalize my goal as out of the medical overweight zone. I'm hoping that focusing on my health is, you know, healthier than focusing on the giant box of clothes in my garage that don't fit.

I'm depressed in advance. I did manage to lose all the weight after having MF, my 18 month old. But I know it's going to be a lot harder after this one. How? My intake of Ice cream. Cookies. Chocolate. etc. Way up.


The Kid, then about 5 or 6, told our best friend that it was nice to sit on her "because she was soft - it felt like she had no bones"... Hmm, yeah, we had to do some damage control there. And yeah, she still remembers it...

I finally lost the ten I was retaining after Harry was born (he is one month older than Mia). And then a few more.

But before you say "screw you", I still have 25 more pounds to go to be back to the weight I was BEFORE I started fertility treatments. I am one those unlucky few who gains more weight while TRYING to have the baby than I did when I had the actual baby.

So, the moral is, even THINKING about getting pregnant makes you gain weight.

BTW - Nutrisystem works.

Beth, you totally crack me up. All the time. (Ok, not ALL the time, but a lot of it anyway.)

Hey - I may have all my Christmas shopping finished a while ago but I have only worked off 5 pounds of pre-pregnancy weight - I have eighty more to go. Eighty.
There are people ( alot of them) who have never even known me to be the skinny chick I usually am (except for both pregnancies).
Clothes? Please. Im still wearing my materity clothes because I cant bear to buy clothes for myself.
Feel absolutly free to be non-so-secretly releieved that you are not me!

PS As I know from my last son, those last ten pounds are the hardest.

I would challenge you to a contest to see who could lose 11 pounds first--it sure wouldn't hurt me either. But not until AFTER the holidays. Of course maybe by then we'd need to up it to 15. Hmmm.

LMAO! EL.EV.EN!!!!!!!!!! lmao! Try 16, lol, but I'm hoping you know with the whole chemo thing, that I actually lose a few, I mean come on, if I have to go thru it, can't I at least look slimmer afterwards? LOL

Well hugs to you. At least you aren't falling apart like I am with the jelly belly, varicose veins, and sagging boobs. Damn kids. lol I hope those 11 lbs come off soon.

Oh you'll be fine Beth. 11 pounds is easy, especially for someone as strong-willed as you.
P.S: I wont tell my number, cause you might stop being my friend :(

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