Fine, fine, but I am only doing this to shut you people up. I mean honestly, I tell you this sad, sad tale about how I was repeatedly humiliated in public and your primary response is "yo, show us your ass!" It makes me sad, really it does. But fine, you ask, you get.
First of all, for everyone who wondered how I could put these jeans on without noticing the two large holes in the buttal region, here are the jeans.
They look fine, right? You would wear these jeans yourself. If, that is, you were still wearing your second trimester fat pants fifteen months after the birth of your child. Shut up. Yes, I know that beltloop is coming off, but with a belt you don't notice at all, so it doesn't even count as one of the holes.
The rest of the pictures are going below the fold, click at your own risk. I have to warn you that these are not safe for work.
If, that is, you work with people who are offended by stuffed ducks. Everyone who thought even for a second that I was posting pictures of my ass on the internet gets detention. You have to stay behind when this entry is over and wash the chalkboards.
This is Big Duck. (And I am working very hard to type his name correctly each and every time.) Big Duck's job is to get Mia to look up in the shower so I can rinse out her shampoo without getting soap in her eyes and causing a scream of such amplitude that it has been known to melt flesh. However, Big Duck has recently decided to branch out and embark on a second career as in international jeans model.
Big Duck was a little reluctant to participate in this photo shoot, but I told him that if he ever hopes to make it as a model he's going to have to be willing to show some skin. Or, um, fluff. He agreed, but please be sensitive to his feelings as you consider any comments you might wish to make.
Without further ado, I present Hole in the Jeans #1: Embarassing but not the End of the World.
And then, Hole in the Jeans #2: Somebody Just Shoot me Now.
Satisfied? Good.
Comments (81)
Oh my goodness! Well, now it all makes sense, why you didn't want to post a picture of yourself in those jeans. It's sad to let good pants go.
Posted by Melissa | November 3, 2006 1:51 PM
Oh! Oh my. I loved the story about the old man following you around, but really, this is sort of mortifying. I'm blushing for you.
(When I saw hole #2 I actually said, "Oh!" out loud.)
Posted by Nichole | November 3, 2006 1:58 PM
OMG! Love the duck. At least you will never see those creepy men again in your life.
Posted by Jodi | November 3, 2006 2:08 PM
It could be worse. Ok, well, yeah, but not much.
Perhaps your left ass cheek is harder on pants than the right one?
Posted by Adam | November 3, 2006 2:08 PM
I am not laughing now, I am so embarrassed for you! Oh My God!
Posted by linda | November 3, 2006 2:08 PM
A little ventilation never hurt anyone. Am I right?
Posted by Wicked H | November 3, 2006 2:13 PM
Oy. Hole #2 happened to my girlfriend while we were at Disneyland. She was wearing white cargo pants, a white thong and a healthy stripe of tan-ish ass cheek.
Posted by Lulu | November 3, 2006 2:16 PM
Would you believe me if I said I was laughing *with* you?
Just kidding.
Really, I've seen some jeans with worse holes that are put there intentionally.
Not buying it? Sorry, I tried. ;)
Posted by Traci | November 3, 2006 2:27 PM
You know, I have those same jeans and they did the belt loop thing and the pocket thing too.
Hmph.
Posted by Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah | November 3, 2006 2:30 PM
He might be playing shy, but that duck loves the camera. Look at him show off that ass. So coy. I love it.
Posted by Jonathon | November 3, 2006 2:33 PM
You didn't feel a breeze? That is seriously hilarious.
I would say that Big Duck has a brilliant future in split jean booty modeling!
Posted by Teenuh | November 3, 2006 2:35 PM
Now THAT is hott.
Posted by Leah | November 3, 2006 2:36 PM
Um, oh my God? I saw the first and was all, fine! No biggie! FINE!
And then.
Yeah. Oh, Beth. That's hilarious.
Posted by jonniker | November 3, 2006 2:41 PM
holy cow. this is where you kick someone for not telling you sooner!
Posted by raine | November 3, 2006 2:45 PM
People pay good money for tears like those and you're just gonna throw them away!?!
You know, I bet you could totally sell them on eBay. Okay. I don't really know that since I make it a point to avoid eBay as much as possible but wouldn't it be funny to see if they sold?
You could donate the money or something. Or buy us all some ice cream. Either way, it's a win win.
Posted by Patricia | November 3, 2006 2:45 PM
Hoping this makes you feel better:
My very pregnant friend, who only wears thongs went grocery shopping then to the park with a dress split all the way up to her lower back. When her husband got home from work and told her, she just about died.
she had heard a tearing sound that morning, but didn't give it another thought, she said it sounded like her sons toy.
So she bare bottomed the world, so know your not the only one.
Posted by Sammie | November 3, 2006 2:55 PM
It must be really warm and still there, that you felt no draft ;)
Posted by shokufeh | November 3, 2006 3:09 PM
Oh! It's sad and funny at the same time. I had a similarly very unfortunate incident at work once involving a linen skirt. I had to use staples to keep it together. I was working retail at the time, which just made it more...fun.
This story is yet another example of why I've started spending more on a few pairs of hott mom jeans (tm) rather than many pairs of semi-sucky and ill fitting pairs. I highly recommend it, especially for your smokin' ass (is that okay to say?)
Posted by Sara | November 3, 2006 3:10 PM
Ok, I was wondering, "So what?" until that last pic.
I had a crush on a college student when I was about 26. She was sweet and kind and gorgeous. I saw her at the movies with a boyfriend wearing some well worn jeans with the pocket corners kind of warn. I could tell she was wearing a thong or going commando. I think of her fondly.
But how did you not know the hole in your pants was so large? Was it your granny panties?
~Jef
Posted by Thunderfish | November 3, 2006 3:13 PM
You weren't feeling a draft from hole #2?! Wow.
Posted by Alissa | November 3, 2006 3:31 PM
Holy Moly! Now that's some serious rippage! I'm surprised Mia didn't grab at it or something. My kids would have. Of course, my kids are a little sadistic sometimes...;)
Posted by Kelly | November 3, 2006 3:37 PM
Oh dear. Sorry you were exposed in this way. No fun at all.
Short story to cheer you up, perhaps? Or commiserate?... Years ago an old boyfriend told me that when he was in high school he was a member of his schools choir. For an evening performance, the choir members were all required to wear white jeans. (I know, why?) Anyways, he forgot to mention this to his mom until the night before the performance. (Typical.) In desperation, she took a pair of his old jeans and threw them in the bathtub with a bucket of bleach to whiten them. Problem solved, right? Not exactly. At the performance the next evening, he said there he was, singing his heart out, when he heard the rrrrriiiipppp, right up the center back seam of the pants. They completely split in two along that center seam. And there was nothing he could do but stand there and keep singing.
Shudder.
Posted by ewe_are_here | November 3, 2006 3:59 PM
oh my heavenly days!
Posted by ali | November 3, 2006 4:02 PM
LOL!!!! love the duck
Posted by marsha | November 3, 2006 4:02 PM
I have the same duck. But her name is Yellow Duck. All of Mag's animals are girls (except for Bear & Mickey of course)
How unfortunate for you. I can't belive that NO ONE would tell you that you had a huge hole in your jeans.
Posted by catizhere | November 3, 2006 4:02 PM
Save 'em. The '80's are totally coming back. Unfortunately.
Posted by anne nahm | November 3, 2006 4:17 PM
Now thats funny! LOL!!! Were you not feeling a good butt breeze? LMAO!!!
Posted by CJ | November 3, 2006 4:20 PM
Okay, I was totally kidding about the pictures yesterday, but that was effin' funny. I'm so glad that you embarrass yourself for our amusement. I mean, that is why you do it- right? For us?
Posted by heels | November 3, 2006 4:39 PM
Oh my - that second picture is quite unfortunate for every day wear. Weren't your cheeks a tad cold?
Posted by Sharri | November 3, 2006 4:45 PM
When you first spoke of the holes, I was thinking that the jeans had perhaps worn through the thass region (y'know, that bottom of the cheek, top of the thigh area). Then, seeing hole #1, I thought "Oh, that's hardly a hole at all, I totally misjudged." Then, upon seeing hole #2, I though "Lord love a duck! How could Beth not have felt a draft? Must be the hotness of her ass kept the cold air from reaching her skin."
No offense, chica, but I am so very, very glad that this post was not mine. because going out in public with my butt hanging out of my pants would be exactly something I would inadvertantly do.
Posted by MamaKaren | November 3, 2006 4:47 PM
I would totally keep wearing them, but ya know... I'm kinda weird that way! lol I guess I should mention here that in high school, I intentionally cut my jeans around each knee and just below each butt-cheek. Yeah.. You were stylin', only about 10-12 years too late! haha =P
Posted by Suz | November 3, 2006 5:08 PM
those are old navy aren't they? i had to stop buying old navy jeans because they aren't jeans! they're made with material that looks like denim but has none of the strength or comfort of denim. basically, they got cheap. one wash (or breath) and they shred.
bah. but with your smokin' hot ass, you could totally still wear them.
Posted by monique | November 3, 2006 5:16 PM
Oh, that second hole is trouble. So sneaky, the little bastard!
On another note, a bunch of friends are planning a trip to La Paz next year. Come with us. We promise not to allow you to walk around with your ass hanging out (unless that's what you're going for... in which case we'll just yell "chug, chug, chug" and hold your hair back when you vomit.)
Posted by Elaine | November 3, 2006 5:42 PM
That is so awesome that you posted that.
You were wearing a thong you say?
::snicker::
You should auction those babies off for charity.
Posted by Jen | November 3, 2006 5:42 PM
No f-ing way! That's hilarious! Didn't it feel a little cold in those spots!? Great idea for the shower. The monkey insists on holding her head down, too, when we rinse....
Posted by haley-o | November 3, 2006 5:47 PM
Duckporn-can you be arrested for that?
Posted by Jodi | November 3, 2006 6:05 PM
I am hysterically laughing, my dear! Chris just can't let you out alone!
Posted by Maribeth | November 3, 2006 6:27 PM
Funny. Very funny. I hate to give up on a good pair of jeans myself!
Posted by Mar | November 3, 2006 7:01 PM
I'm sorry to laugh at your expense, but seriously? That is the funniest thing I've seen in a long time.
That totally just made my day.
Posted by Emily | November 3, 2006 7:01 PM
Best post. Ever!
Posted by Isabel | November 3, 2006 7:01 PM
oh god Im laughing out loud.
LOL
Posted by jessica | November 3, 2006 7:13 PM
Oh man, I totally laughed out loud when I saw hole #2. I wasn't laughing at you, honest! I was laughing WITH you because that is SO something I would do. It's hard to give up a favorite pair of jeans!
Posted by Beth in StL | November 3, 2006 8:38 PM
Doh! I hate when that happens. Thanks for the chuckle. And as for them being pregnancy jeans, I actually miss some of my maternity shirts. I got to go out and buy these nice, new clothes (I never buy new clothes)...and now I can't wear them anymore.
Posted by Jen | November 3, 2006 8:53 PM
That's not a hole. That's like, an open pocket. ;)
*giggle*
Posted by sweethomealagirl | November 3, 2006 8:54 PM
Those are like easy-access pants. YOwza.
Posted by Brad | November 3, 2006 10:57 PM
Oh, that poor duck. He's lost his dignity forever.
Posted by Heather | November 4, 2006 1:12 AM
Duck Yeah! Thanks for the important service reminder to always check your rear end before leaving the nest :)
Posted by Nanette | November 4, 2006 2:17 AM
wow you could've gotten arrested for indecent exposure!
bet you're gonna be known as the playground hoochie mama from now on *grin*
Posted by averil | November 4, 2006 5:21 AM
Oh Beth! I am grinning ear-to-ear and even giggling a bit over here. I just had a hellacious night, and this post is EXACTLY what I needed to read. You honestly are one of the cutest things ever in the histoy of the world. No wonder Mia is so adorable--she gets it from her mama.
Posted by Alex | November 4, 2006 5:23 AM
I have to admit that when I saw the first hole, I might have thought that you were perhaps a bit prudish to get embarrassed.
Then I saw the second hole and am not sure how you didn't get pneumonia of the heinie.
That poor duck.
Posted by Contrary | November 4, 2006 7:50 AM
Honey, you made each man's afternoon. Your ass is always smokin' - you just shared your gorgeousness with some men who probably haven't seen such smokingness in REAL LIFE in a very, very long time.
Chalk it up as a benevolent gift to humanity.
(I love Big Duck!)
Posted by Sam | November 4, 2006 9:56 AM
Honey, you made each man's afternoon. Your ass is always smokin' - you just shared your gorgeousness with some men who probably haven't seen such smokingness in REAL LIFE in a very, very long time.
Chalk it up as a benevolent gift to humanity.
(I love Big Duck!)
Posted by Sam | November 4, 2006 9:56 AM
Honey, you made each man's afternoon. Your ass is always smokin' - you just shared your gorgeousness with some men who probably haven't seen such smokingness in REAL LIFE in a very, very long time.
Chalk it up as a benevolent gift to humanity.
(I love Big Duck!)
Posted by Sam | November 4, 2006 9:57 AM
Oh my gosh! I can't stop giggling over your accidental indecent exposure moment. Sorry!
Posted by guinness girl | November 4, 2006 10:31 AM
One more reason to move to Canada. Why ? Because we all walk around with holes in our jeans ? No. Because it is so bloody cold that you would have for sure realized you had the holes the second you stepped outside.
I think it would have been worse had you been wearing say granny underwear. I would feel worse about strangers seeing my underwear than a piece of my flesh.
Posted by Five | November 4, 2006 1:06 PM
Oh my goodness. That is quite the stunner.
I'm glad you weren't wearing cartoon character underwear!
Posted by liz | November 4, 2006 1:44 PM
Well, the first hole, it wasn't to bad and made me think what the heck these men made a big deal out of.
Then the second picture answered it all.
Posted by The Princess | November 4, 2006 2:01 PM
There must be some laws against exploitation of Big Ducks wanting to be denim models. Hilarious BTW!
Also, MG, your pants fit a TOY so well? That is sooooooooo awesome!
Posted by Dee | November 4, 2006 3:56 PM
Holy shit. No pun intended, I mean it. You weren't kidding, were you?
Posted by candace | November 4, 2006 8:07 PM
If I was Big Duck, I would be afraid of us in the internet too!
Holes=rolling on the floor laughing.."butt" with you not at you of course.
hehehe
Posted by Tasha | November 4, 2006 10:21 PM
Probably about time to give those jeans a rest.
Posted by ann adams | November 4, 2006 10:55 PM
That is beautiful. Next time I'm feeling ignored I am SO ripping a hole in my jeans and heading to the nearest nursing home.
Posted by CartwheelsAtMidnight | November 4, 2006 11:13 PM
Dude, that first hole wasn't so bad, but the second one? Oye! I'm so sorry. Someday, Mia will be able to alert you to the butt-cheek-exposure situations before you leave the house.
And the duck exposing fluff? Classic.
Posted by Annie | November 5, 2006 1:14 AM
I was looking at Hole #1 thinking.. "Whats the drama".. and then Hole #2 just brought it all home...
I must say that Big Duck is a handsome chap.... and I want to see him in a thong next time please...
Posted by Carol-anne | November 5, 2006 11:32 AM
I'm gone for a few weeks and you post pictures of butt-exposing jeans? Oh my!
Through my laughter, I'm feeling very sorry for you. :)
Posted by lori | November 5, 2006 3:32 PM
First, you can rise above all this because you are a strong woman of good character and...
OMG I almost got through it! I did! Tried to be supportive, but let's face it, YOUR ASS WAS HANGING OUT AT THE MALL!
And of course on the upside (of course there IS an upside), you can rest east that you are very HOT because absolutely no other woman told you! Totally HOT!!
Posted by Rick | November 5, 2006 8:19 PM
Oh yeah, that's bad.
Tee he he he.
Posted by samantha Jo Campen | November 6, 2006 2:40 AM
Holy shit! I had a rip in my jeans JUST LIKE that second one, and do you know where I was when I noticed it? At work. AT. WORK.
Posted by Fraulein N | November 6, 2006 9:12 AM
OMG!!! My jeans get holes and rip in the same exact spot... I think its b/c I stand with my hands in my back pockets...
Posted by Stephanie | November 6, 2006 9:16 AM
OOooh, yeah, that's quite a hole!
You inspired me to buy new jeans this weekend, though, as I had a pair that was in danger of random ass-rippage at any moment, and your story was all too vivid in my head.
Posted by Kate the Shrew | November 6, 2006 10:29 AM
Darn, but I hate detention!
Posted by Frank | November 6, 2006 11:12 AM
Tell Big Duck that his first modeling job was a huge success. And oh, my that second hole is a doozy.
Posted by bad penguin | November 6, 2006 11:35 AM
Oh no! That's terrible! And no one told you?! EEK!
Posted by Amanda | November 6, 2006 11:50 AM
Just noticed that they are Old Navy jeans... and my Old Navy jeans ALWAYS fall apart... ergh...
Posted by Amanda | November 6, 2006 11:52 AM
Oh, ok. when you mentioned there were holes in the ass, I figured you were talking about the kind like the first hole... up at the top of the pocket. But there's no saving them after that split along the pocket edge. darn.
Hopefully the denim goddess will show you mercy and you'll happen upon a whole rack of GOOD jeans - the kind that makes your ass look hot without it actually peeking out the back of them!
(Gosh, wouldn't I make the most awesome fairy godmother? heh)
Posted by Lily | November 6, 2006 12:26 PM
Oh - and if it makes you feel better... due to a certain incident and later discovery... now whenever I notice someone is checking me out - I have to look and make sure my zipper isn't open. Now THAT is hawt!
Posted by Lily | November 6, 2006 12:29 PM
ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
Posted by Pamalamadingdong | November 6, 2006 1:21 PM
Well, they definitely looked harmless enough at first glance. Big Duck seems quite pleased to be wearing them though. Looks like he's got himself some new threads.
Posted by angela | November 6, 2006 3:53 PM
I'm really offended you posted a picture of a duck. I could have been fired, you know.
Posted by statia | November 6, 2006 3:55 PM
I had a pair that ripped in the same spots, and it wasn't noticeable either when you were just looking at them. I don't remember how I discovered the problem, but it definitely made me pass up any more insta-distressed jeans, no matter how expensive. Other than that, I once ripped the back of my pants getting out of a friend's jeep on my way to dinner. I think I just untucked my shirt and that worked ok but...I was worried all night.
Posted by Helen | November 7, 2006 2:26 AM
Ahhhhhh... My eyes. My eyes.
Baby chicks blind me.
My mom patched up my butt exposing pants. I'm so 7th grade.
Posted by debutaunt | November 14, 2006 11:01 AM