Thing the first: Helpful Tip from Beth
If you are a smallish person and are rearranging all the furniture in the playroom out of sheer boredom and want to move the very heavy couch with pull-out bed and you have no help other than a toddler whose sole contribution is attempting to get herself smushed between the couch and the wall and you have not worked out with any regularity in somewhat more than seventeen months, well then, you should take a tip from me. Move the fucking piano first, because it will make moving the couch seem like nothing.
Thing the second: Two clarifications on yesterday's post
Clarification one: Chris feels I did not appropriately describe the situation around his random wang exposure to the elements. I would therefore like to clarify that the wang slip was not intentional, and was rather caused by a combination of flannel pajama pants with one of those fatefully unsecured flaps and what I can only assume is a natural, pendulous movement of the object in question that accompanies normal movements such as walking. (Somehow, I don't think he is going to prefer this clarification to the original.)
Clarification two: The lingerie my in-laws gave me is definitely of the racy variety, not the pajama variety. They gave it to me in front of my parents and two family friends, one of whom I used to babysit. When I opened the box, my mother-in-law grabbed it away from me and removed the items in question, held them above her head, and displayed them to the room. Then I died. My mother-in-law then told me (and the gathered crowd) that when she was deciding what to get me for Christmas, she asked my father-in-law whether he thought she should get lingerie or earrings and he agreed it should "definitely" be lingerie. Then I died again. Too bad, you will miss me. I should point out that my in-laws are wonderful people of whom I am very fond and I have no idea what in the hell came over them.
ETA: Dudes, I almost forgot! Two years ago for Christmas my in-laws gave me these really really skimpy Victoria's Secret pajamas, which was vaguely inappropriate but still technically pjs, so whatever. They were extra-small. (Unbeknownst to them I was pregnant with Mia in the time and porking up like nobody's business, so ha-ha, never wore those.) The lingerie this year? Medium. So it like here, honey, you can still be sexy even though we can all tell you have gained so much weight. Somebody just shoot me, please?
Thing the third: Gratuitous baby video
Yes, I let her eat puffs off the floor, because she likes it and because it is funny and because it sometimes buys me 32 seconds to pee all by myself. However, I have no idea where she got the trick she is showcasing in this video, so I have decided to blame her father. I should have cut out the middle of this as it has no relevance to the point at hand, but she's so freaking cute I couldn't do it. Just ignore my annoying, croaky man-voice please.