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Just my usual mish-mash

Thing the first: Helpful Tip from Beth

If you are a smallish person and are rearranging all the furniture in the playroom out of sheer boredom and want to move the very heavy couch with pull-out bed and you have no help other than a toddler whose sole contribution is attempting to get herself smushed between the couch and the wall and you have not worked out with any regularity in somewhat more than seventeen months, well then, you should take a tip from me. Move the fucking piano first, because it will make moving the couch seem like nothing.

Thing the second: Two clarifications on yesterday's post

Clarification one: Chris feels I did not appropriately describe the situation around his random wang exposure to the elements. I would therefore like to clarify that the wang slip was not intentional, and was rather caused by a combination of flannel pajama pants with one of those fatefully unsecured flaps and what I can only assume is a natural, pendulous movement of the object in question that accompanies normal movements such as walking. (Somehow, I don't think he is going to prefer this clarification to the original.)

Clarification two: The lingerie my in-laws gave me is definitely of the racy variety, not the pajama variety. They gave it to me in front of my parents and two family friends, one of whom I used to babysit. When I opened the box, my mother-in-law grabbed it away from me and removed the items in question, held them above her head, and displayed them to the room. Then I died. My mother-in-law then told me (and the gathered crowd) that when she was deciding what to get me for Christmas, she asked my father-in-law whether he thought she should get lingerie or earrings and he agreed it should "definitely" be lingerie. Then I died again. Too bad, you will miss me. I should point out that my in-laws are wonderful people of whom I am very fond and I have no idea what in the hell came over them.

ETA: Dudes, I almost forgot! Two years ago for Christmas my in-laws gave me these really really skimpy Victoria's Secret pajamas, which was vaguely inappropriate but still technically pjs, so whatever. They were extra-small. (Unbeknownst to them I was pregnant with Mia in the time and porking up like nobody's business, so ha-ha, never wore those.) The lingerie this year? Medium. So it like here, honey, you can still be sexy even though we can all tell you have gained so much weight. Somebody just shoot me, please?

Thing the third: Gratuitous baby video

Yes, I let her eat puffs off the floor, because she likes it and because it is funny and because it sometimes buys me 32 seconds to pee all by myself. However, I have no idea where she got the trick she is showcasing in this video, so I have decided to blame her father. I should have cut out the middle of this as it has no relevance to the point at hand, but she's so freaking cute I couldn't do it. Just ignore my annoying, croaky man-voice please.

Comments (53)

There are so many things about this that I love. For starters, the face-dive into the floor for puffs is absolutely priceless. Second, it cracks me up that she stands up butt-first. I've never seen anyone stand up butt-first, but she pulls it off with amazing grace and style. Finally (okay, so so many things is really three things) I think it's so fun to hear her recite words back to you. Her version is always so much cuter than anything any of us would say.

Toooooooo sweet. oh my goodness- what a doll baby! I love the way little kids sit with such flexibility. I miss that age -

Geez, who needs a gym membership with the piano and couch on hand?

Also must go to the dentist now due to the many cavities developed while watching all the sweetness that is Mia.

Fantastic post! First, while I thoroughly enjoyed both the original and the clarification of "random wang exposure", there's no way to pretty that up, so tell Chris your readers are laughing uproariously and that we don't think any less of him. Second, LINGERIE??? From your IN-LAWS?!? Well, I can imagine the death you wish you'd succumbed to during that experience, but I'm glad you didn't die because that's the best holiday story I've heard yet. Third, but only in sequence, not in importance, Mia is just an insanely cute child and I love her eating cereal off the floor. I grew up in a time when running around the neighborhood barefoot and eating the occasional bit off the floor was not seen as the path to certain death. As a matter of fact, I believe it's why my immune system is so good. :) Oh, and the comment about the man-voice? That's what put me over the "should I comment or not?" edge. I do not think that you have a man-voice, but me? OH yeah! Total man-voice all the way. Either that or recordings somehow distort sound and every woman sounds like a man to her own ear. Except Kathy Ireland. I wonder how she sounds to herself. We should call her. If SHE thinks she sounds like a man, my theory will be proven. Do I win a prize for a long comment? ;)

There is nothing sexier than a woman weaing lingerie from her in-laws while moving a piano.

I love how she has to stand up to move 6 inches closer to the puffs in the beginning. Once kids learn to walk, they don't like to crawl again for any reason for at least a year (in my varied experience. sample size = 1). And don't feel bad. I think most parents let their kids eat off the floor occasionally. It's good for them. That's what I tell myself.

What a doll baby! The video almost made me forget that you have, in the same post, talked about Chris's wang and lingerie from your in-laws. You brighten my morning!

Well, I'd return the lingerie and got pjs or a robe. At least you generally like your in-laws, one screw up is allowed. Mine are horrific.

Ok, that x-mas story is by far the most horrifying I've heard this year. Wow. Does Chris have any sisters? Do they buy her sexy lingerie too? Holy God.

Mia is adorable. We were big fans of the puffs too and have now graduated to Cheerios. And yes, eating them off the floor is very ok. Recently, my 3 yr-old daughter was leading my 1 year old around the house by placing them in a trail on the floor. We were laughing too much to stop her.

man, so many things to comment on, so little words to use. Chris' experience is that of hilarity & sharing it with us is why we keep coming back day after day. Lingerie from the inlaws? I guess its got to happen ONE day, just think, while dating my (now ex) boyfriend, within the second year or so for xmas i received a nightgown of sorts, with spaghetti straps, silk in material & length a tad above my knees, while freakin' DATING this boy. So ya, it just has to happen atleast once. Oh & certainly last but not LEAST Mia is too adorable. Eating off the floor has got to be chris' trick, just looks like something he'd teach her & her vocabulary is just precious, she has the sweeetest voice. I to feel i have a man-ish voice, but you certainly do not, i cant stand listening to myself on answering machines/videos/cell phones etc. just sounds WEIRD :) have a great day :)

There is no question that (A) you must exchange the "racy" (so very wrong) lingerie for something like a robe or socks, and in so doing you must tell the sales clerk the reason you are returning the offending item(s) just to see a random stranger be as horrified as we all are out in the Interwebosphere; and (2) your child is absolutely precious even when eating food face-first off the floor. (Probably excellent training for future pie-eating contests, by the way.) (Hey, it's a living.) Oh, and (iii) I like that Mia knows where to look for her knees even if she can't say the word for them. Brava!

I am sooo sorry to hear about the horrible lingerie nightmare. I would have died at least twice too if it had happened to me. It's almost like they knew you needed something funny for this blog. Who does that to people?? It would be pretty hard to make that up.

I decided yesterday afternoon after reading your blog that I will NEVER give any relative underwear unless they have specifically asked for cotton/normal, non-sexy undies. Thanks for the moment of enlightenment!!

Medium's not big!
Another Medium (although, hell, who wouldn't want to be a SMALL.

Okay, the lingerie horror story brought me back to the nightmare of receiving UNDERWEAR for Christmas (from my Grandma, of course.) I wanted to die. And people wanted to tease me about it, and at that point I refused to even WALK into the underwear department of any store because what if someone saw me? Next to underwear?

Mia in footie pajamas! The video is just so adorable that if my ovaries hadn't done their job already with the baby making, well, I would schedule some "business time" tonight. Have you seen that business time video? I must send you the link, it's too hilarious.

I just want to clarify that the underwear horror went down when I was in junior high. Certainly not THIS year or even LAST year.

Return the lingerie. Buy chocolate instead. Revel in being a medium. ;)

Mia is adorable. Definitely blame Chris for the floor eating, but it's still cute. As long as she doesn't want her spaghetti there.

Please have Mia come to my house and say "hat" over and over again. It is the best thing I have ever heard.

Been there on the embarrassing Christmas gifts. Someday when you are old enough, I'll tell you.
Love the video of Mia! She is so adorable.
PS: You have a great voice too!

I love your videos! So sweet...

Yeah, no matter how you look at it, the whole lingere thing kind of squicks me out. I might die if my MIL ever bought me lingere. I would most certainly turn cranberry-hued in the face and then the dying would happen.

This was one of the funniest things I've read of late between the wang exposure and the in-law lingerie. I can not even begin to describe the color my face would've turned when I opened that.

Thanks - I needed the laughter today. It's been a Katrina-day.

This post officially made me laugh my ass off. Thanks! I was hoping to loose some of that extra bulk on my butt... although I'm not sure how comfortable sitting will be now that I am assless.

I like how Chris wanted you to clarify the wang thing. I bet he just wanted you to talk about his wang more on your blog. heeeee!

I can't believe your motherinlaw held the saucy lacy things over her head for everyone to see! How mortifying.

I will miss you now that you are dead. You were such a nice girl.

My kids loved the Mia video. I hope you don't switch from serving puffs on the floor to spaghetti and letting Mia wander around in highway traffic. What is UP with that? wow.

I think all kids try the face to the food contortion at some point...well, at least the ones with pets. They also try to lick their water out of a Personally, my fav part of the video when she casually sweeps her hair out of her face after she stands up to toddle over to you. TOO cute!

Oh, and I'm sorry, but I have to stand up for the in-laws (sort of). Perhaps they bought you lingerie in the kind (though still misguided) attempt to get you something nice that they didn't think you would go out and buy for yourself. And yes, they're angling for another grandbaby!

I'm sorry you died, but I cannot blame you. At least you can still blog from the beyond, so I won't have to miss you too much. Also, you do NOT have a croaky man voice. If your voice falls under the category of "croaky man", then I must sound like Ted freaking Kennedy. (Sexy, I know.)

Cole will sometimes put his face down and eat off of the palm of my hand. I have no idea where he picked it up. Neither of us showed him that. Kids are so weird. But adorable, of course.

I think you should rewrap them and give them to you MIL next year and see how she likes it!

I would so totally die if my in-laws gave me lingerie. It would be wrong on so many levels.

I'm pretty sure Mia is just about the cutest little girl ever. No wonder you love being home with her.

Aw, she's so sweet!

Can't really comment. Still laughing.

Ok, I just lost a comment I'd been typing for some time (because the intraweb loves to share windows occasionally, so both your comments and Chris's comments wanted to share a window.. rude!). It was very smarmy. Oh well, the abbreviated version is that I will have to watch the Mia video again when I get home, I sadly enough don't have sound on my PC at my client (though I did watch it and am now hoping the cuteness of her will give my Clomid filled ovaries the extra bump they need to actually hatch an egg this cycle. stupid ovaries.). I would totally die at the showboating of inappropriate lingerie by my inlaws. If you can't return it, at least you will feel justified with burning it. And two days of wang? Dude, that is even classier than one day!

she's so cute!

But you forgot to ask her to say umbrella!

I like how she brushes her hair from her face.


You want to know what I'm impressed by?

The fact that her bookshelf is so neat and not's the first thing Camille goes for each and every morning!

Lingerie or earrings and your FIL picked lingerie 'definitively'?
They may be wonderful, but they're nuts! Or they're campaigning for another grandchild.

Perhaps you can exchange the lingerie for earrings.

As for Mia, too cute! And love the PJs.

That lingerie is out of control. But if it makes you feel ANY better, my MOTHER gave me HER WEDDING NIGHT LINGERIE for the night of MY wedding.

At least yours was never 'used.' And no, I did not wear it thankyouverymuch.

gotta love the knee splayed face dive... I used to do that and it KILLED my Mom

Oh and I want a pair of Mia's jammies only me sized :)

Your little girl gets cuter each day. :) But you already know this.

Mia is soo cute! My inlaws have not given my lingerie, however my sweaters 2 years ago were size smalls, this year, medium... so we do have 1 thing in common. And my sister in law gets extra small, as always, and she has 2 kids! Not fair...

I'm glad I wasn't the first to notice her picking up her goody in her teeth. Hilarious.

She went from silence to talking up a storm, didn't she.

Damn you have a beautiful child. I love how wide she opens her mouth when she says "hat." Oh, and the footie PJs - too cute! Ack, I'm having baby pains!

I laughed so loud that I'm sure the neighbors fell outta their chairs. That is one awesome video! Thanks for sharing it with us!

Sigh, she is adorable and makes me miss my kids when they were that young :)

Okay, see, my in-laws got me a gift certificate to Victoria's Secret, which would have accomplished a simliar thing without the overwhelming embarassment for you. Ack. I think perhaps hte intention was good but the execution was flawed. Did they also buy Chris the peek-a-boo pjs?

The video is adorable. I wish I could figure out how to get video on my site. Her little voice is precious. And I dig the footie pjs. The downward-dog puff consumption cracks me up. This may be a good diet plan. Place all food on the floor and bend in half to eat. You'd eat less, would you not? And it would be hysterical at a cocktail party.

And when you move a sleeper sofa? Lift with your knees.

Ok, listened to it with sound. Omg how cute. And you so don't sound like a man!

Can you exchange the lingerie for footed pajama's to match MIA? Then take a picture of the both of you and send that to the in-laws thanking them for their gift.

I just got a chance to watch the video. The PJS ar soo cute. And ironically, Michaels room is the exact same paint color (I think).

I'd like some jammies like that, but I'd prefer my puffs in a bowl, thanks.

Here Lies Beth

She had a smokin' ass
And a hotty husband
And a cute, cute baby
And mortifyingly trashy underwear from her in-laws.

My mother-in-law once announced in the sporting goods store whilst I was dating the Boy that the Boy should only wear boxers or loose-hanging underwear for procreative purposes.

We were not even engaged. She just wanted grandkids that badly.

And Beth? I would LOVE to be a medium. You are smokin' hot everywhere. Just ask Chris!

1) Furniture sliders work wonders - you don't even need to leave them there forever ... if you can just barely lift the couch enough to slide one under each end, then you can effortlessly fling the couch from one end to the other, and then remove them. Best $3.99 I ever spent at Home Depot. Makes redecorating something fun and exciting you can do every day.

2) On wangs, lingerie, and VS pj's - no comment other than - O-M-G ... and my condolences to Chris and Mia.

3) Video - Too Cute For Words!

Perhaps some iron-on Velcro applied to the gap in Chris' PJ's would prevent future, uh... wang-age?

I'm always dragging furniture around all by myself, too. Wait for help? Bah!

There was a puppy-style eating phase here, too. The video is too cute!

"Wang" cracks me up every time!

Look at me almost missing this video posting - Mia videos are the best!!! I've been stuck fixing my websites, switching hosts, etc.. Haven't had time to visit! Anyway, she's too. much. Got that? Too much too cute.

I cannot believe your inlaws got you lingerie of the skimpy variety and that they showcased it for all to see!! Hilarious! And, er..., sorry. That had to have been painful for you!

That is the cutest thing I've ever seen. *die*

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So the Fish Said...

Whoever you are, now I place my hand upon you, that you be my poem, I whisper with my lips close to your ear.

- Walt Whitman

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I want to get a pet duck and keep it in the bathtub.
I am addicted to chap stick and altoids.
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