Last night I dreamed that I had a torrid affair with Clive Owen. Except it wasn't much of a torrid affair. Sure, there was one point where we were lying in a hotel bed somewhere (with another woman, strangely) but we were all fully clothed and just sort of chatting. Naturally, I decided to explain to Clive about how he was my Pretend Celebrity Boyfriend. I made a big deal of the fact that he had been my PCB since before he was very well known in the States. I assume I was trying to impress him with either my loyalty or my prescience. That part is probably pretty realistic. I mean, confronted with Clive in the flesh I would certainly go out of my way to make a total ass of myself. That's just how I roll.
Eventually it came out that I wasn't having a torrid affair rather boring little chat with fantasy-man Clive after all, but rather with a Clive look-alike. I would have been ok with that, I mean, it isn't like I'm interested in his mind, but nothing ever came of it because I woke up am happily married.
It's a little depressing to realize that I am never going to have a hot, scandalous affair with a hotty movie star. I mean, not that the odds of that were all that high to begin with, but now that I'm married and a mama and have the flabby belly to prove it I would say the odds have definitely gone from slimity-slim-slim to none. I suppose I should adjust my thinking and embrace the idea that maybe someday I'll run into Clive and we'll go have coffee and talk about our kids. And maybe he'll let me lick him, just a little bit. But probably not.
(Hey, new passphrase, peeps. Check it.)
Comments (39)
or at least maybe he will let you drool on his feet.
Posted by nikki | January 18, 2007 8:50 AM
You are soooo funny!! Aha you've changed the password from duck...I wasn't ready for that one but good choice on the new one. Who's got the sweetest baby in the world? Why you do of course.
Hugs
Posted by Patrice Vicory | January 18, 2007 8:59 AM
Perfect, an evil unfeeling spambot wouldn't be able to bring themselves to type a cute word.
Posted by diane | January 18, 2007 9:07 AM
Maybe on your way to coffee you two could stop by the bank on shirtless teller days, where you would bump into your pediatrician. What a nice trifecta.
Posted by anna | January 18, 2007 9:09 AM
Sigh... Clive just doesn't know what he's missing.
Posted by angela | January 18, 2007 9:22 AM
dropping the hint about the new passphrase was totally just a way to get us all to comment, wasn't it? ;)
I'm still having trouble giving up the dream that David Boreaneaz will one day show up on my doorstep and sweep me off my feet. As Angel, of course... I figure if it's my fantasy, I might as well blur fiction and fact...
Posted by suze | January 18, 2007 9:40 AM
Yesterday when I commented the passphrase was "cacti" and when I submitted it I was told that you hated me and wanted me to die... and that I should change it to duck. Is that going to happen again today? I hope not. I don't like dying. It hurts.
Luv,
The We Want The Full Fucking Feed Coalition!
Posted by Adam | January 18, 2007 9:54 AM
You're a goofball. That being said, we rented "Inside Man" the other day, and I could've watched the first 20-or-so seconds for hours and hours.
Posted by Nichole | January 18, 2007 10:02 AM
wait, two women in a dream hmmm sounds like it was my dream you were horning in on. Wait it couldn't have been mine, the gay Clive wasn't in mine.
~Jef
Posted by McPervy - Edge | January 18, 2007 10:04 AM
It's all Clive's loss, definitely!
Posted by Heather J. | January 18, 2007 10:05 AM
Never give up your dreams. Especially the ones involving a torrid steamy affair with your pretend celebrity boyfriend! Sometimes those dreams are the only thing that keep me going! Well, my dreams( about Wentworth Miller)...not yours!
Posted by Lisa | January 18, 2007 10:13 AM
Clive just isn't on my radar. Is that...uh...wrong? It feels wrong.
Posted by wordgirl | January 18, 2007 10:17 AM
Hmm... well then since you're giving up on the torrid affair, and will only chat with him about kids, you won't mind if I um... Nah... nevermind, I have the flabby belly of 3 kids. Maybe I'll go look up Jason Alexander and see what he's doing. I'll just pretend he's a hotter celebrity than he is. :P
Posted by Karen | January 18, 2007 10:21 AM
...and that is why I am so grumpy in the mornings.
Posted by Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah | January 18, 2007 10:33 AM
Now why can't I have dreams like that.
Good password. Now I have only one to remember. I had a idea what it would be since I read Rude Cactus a little ahead of this one.
Posted by ann adams | January 18, 2007 10:56 AM
lol! You post this on the same day Chris wrote about how everything can possibly trigger his paranoia! Good to know that your marriage isn't one of them :-)
Posted by crapdoodle | January 18, 2007 10:57 AM
I feel that way about Edward Norton. Never going to happen, but yet I can hope for a tiny taste one day, right?
OH, and I worked in the performing arts for over 10 years and meet my fair share of celebrities... never had a chance with any one of them. Sigh.
Posted by Elaine | January 18, 2007 12:20 PM
I had a dream recently that I was kissing Tom DeLonge (formerly of Blink-182, now of Angels and Airwaves). But he seemed kind of annoyed that I kept kissing him. That seemed to add exactly the touch of realism I was looking for: I was pretty surprised when I woke up and had no further Tom DeLonge Kissing Access. Then I realized I never WOULD have Tom DeLonge Kissing Access, and I ate about a pint of mint chip ice cream for breakfast.
Posted by Swistle | January 18, 2007 12:34 PM
You so do not have a flabby belly.
Yeah, it's hard giving up those un realistic dreams. I still want to be a princess. But after watching what the press is doing to that poor girl England, maybe not.
Posted by jodi | January 18, 2007 12:50 PM
Miabean! Yay! And my dreams are always annoyingly innocuous. After the conversation I had a with two of my best coupled-friends the other night, I thought for sure I'd be having "good" dreams, but nope. I think I dreamed I bought milk, again.
Posted by Heather | January 18, 2007 1:24 PM
Beth you can't have everything, jeez.
So what if you can't have a steamy fling with a move star...after all, you DID marry a rock star!
;)
Posted by jessica | January 18, 2007 1:39 PM
Getting to read your dreams somehow makes it a little better that I can never remember my own.
Miabean! Yay!!
Posted by Susan | January 18, 2007 1:39 PM
mmm licking Clive Owen. now that's hot. ^_^
(miabean, how cute!)
Posted by Teenuh | January 18, 2007 2:35 PM
I specifically remember coming to that realization when I was TOTALLY in love with Matt Dillon. I mean, when it hit me that I was never going to go on a REALLY HOT DATE! with Matt.
Bummer.
(For the record, that was about 25 years ago. Not yesterday. whew.)
Posted by angela marie | January 18, 2007 3:19 PM
Yes, you can have a torrid affair as often as you want with whatever celeb you want! Anytime!
Just take a nap! LOL
Posted by Maribeth | January 18, 2007 3:44 PM
Wait....there's always the chance that Chris could become a hotty movie star. Right?
Posted by Dooneybug | January 18, 2007 3:58 PM
so glad to know that I am not alone if these PCB dreams - I had a series of them a year or so ago wherein I had long discussion with Matt Damon and Ben Affleck, who were both staying at my hosue for some reason, about why I was in no way interested in dating them, but could they please, pretty pretty please, introduce me to their friend Denzle.
Posted by Kathryn | January 18, 2007 4:08 PM
I can't believe you missed the entire point of the dream! Just who is the other woman? we really need to exploit, explore rather, that aspect in it's entirety...
cliveowenyadayadayadapuh-lease.
Posted by Rick | January 18, 2007 6:59 PM
Ah, yes, we may not be able to have those torrid affairs, but we do still have those lovely dreams.
Posted by Beth in StL | January 18, 2007 8:43 PM
Dude. I recently had one of those dreams too, except that I WAS nekkid and the only reason it didn't ...ahem... culminate.. is because I woke up during the awkward fumbling-for-a-condom phase and COULDN'T GET BACK TO SLEEP! Talk about disappointing - I was twitchy all freakin' day long.
Posted by Cartwheels At Midnight | January 18, 2007 8:44 PM
My pretend celeb boyfriend is Jason Statham (of Transporter fame). He's absolutely HOTTTT to death.
It's comforting to know I'm not the only person with a PCB too.
Posted by coolchick | January 18, 2007 8:59 PM
You'll never have Clive because he's in love with me.... Move. On.! ;) I had a dream about Justin Timberlake last night....about his penis actually. I'll be writing about it, too....Funny we both had hott(ish) celebrity dreams last night. Would have sooo rathered it was Clive, though....
Posted by Haley-O | January 18, 2007 9:11 PM
So why was Clive in my dream last night?
That two-timer!
(I was going to write a different word, but couldn't, not with Mia watching over me)
Posted by evil ducking spambot | January 18, 2007 9:26 PM
tell me I was the other woman.
PLEASE?
Posted by s@bd | January 18, 2007 9:53 PM
"maybe he'll let me lick him" that statement just made me laugh out loud! Thanks for that.
Posted by Erin | January 19, 2007 2:36 PM
You are the second Mommy blogger this week to blog about a "sexy" dream with another man (celeb at that)...weird! Props to you for being so outgoing and sharing this with us!
Posted by Amanda | January 19, 2007 9:00 PM
My celebrity boyfriend is Hugh Jackman. Since I'm Australian, and my mother's maiden name is exactly the same name as Hugh's real wife, I tell everyone my mother is married to him. They always look shocked before I tell them the true story.
It's kind of weird to have a crush on the guy you tell everyone is married to your mother. I am aware of this...
Posted by E :) | January 19, 2007 10:19 PM
I'm betting on the drooly part. I just figure maybe that's how Clive rolls.
Posted by Queen of Ass | January 21, 2007 7:32 PM
Wait. You mean I'm never going to get together with Antonio Bandaras? Never? Oh, that is just to depressing.
Posted by Annie | January 22, 2007 3:18 PM