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I'm not even sucking it in

So, do I look thinner to you guys? I've been on an actual diet for, let's see... I finished my celebratory pint of ice cream around 9:00 Sunday night, so very nearly 36 hours now. I haven't had a drop of alcohol in the same time frame, so you can tell how serious I am. I even did an extra 10 minutes on the treadmill last night, although truth be told I haven't spent much time at the gym lately ("lately" being the past 20 months or so) so it was more like an extra 40 minutes on the treadmill.

Anyway, it's one of those honest-to-god diets where you are supposed to eat half a cup of this and two ounces of that, which basically sucks, but I figure I'll give it two or three days before I quit in despair. Also, I've been reading through the food lists and can't seem to find where you get to eat an entire pint of ice cream in one sitting or the five boxes of Girl Scout cookies that my asshole wonderful husband ordered and which were delivered yesterday on Diet Day 1. Those little brown-wearing bitches, they are out to thwart me!

The real problem is that Mia is still sleeping for shit and now has a fever to boot, and the only thing I know that is good for sleep deprivation is eating an entire box of cheez-its before lunch. Half a banana just isn't going to cut it. I am thinking of turning this into a diet blog and just posting detailed information about what I ate (breakfast: two egg whites, two vegetarian "sausage" links, one fat free yogurt) and my exercise regiment (free weights can suck my ass). Oh come on, you know you guys would love it!

Ok, we're all bored, I'm stopping now. Just wanted to tip you off that you ought to start saying that I look like I've lost weight in two weeks or so, unless I go back to my usual ice cream and wine diet, that is. Which you know, when I am in charge of the world, people who want to lose weight are going to have to stick to a strict diet of ice cream and wine. Oh, and maybe cookies

Oh, also, if you have any brilliant potty training advice, I'm collecting it here. Not for me, you know, it's for a friend.

Comments (37)

You. Look. Mahvelous!!!

Good luck on the diet. I went on the south beach diet the other day and it was the worst 8 hours of my life.

Dude, you so don't need to diet. Come over to my house and check out the size of my clothes and you'll so feel better.

That said, I bought a bunch of Lean Cuisine last night. Sigh. Eating healthy (my friendly term for WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN'T EAT THE ENTIRE MENU???) sucks ass.

Wow Beth, those pants really look loose on you. Have you lost weight?

I'll take the cookies for you... you know, because your my friend and all... and I want to help. I'm such a good person like that :)

You're looking so thin!
Does your diet still allow lunches?!

Hey, good luck with the diet! I should be doing this with you! That 2nd baby pudge around the belly button is very stubborn!

oooo ooooo! i have some potty training advice for you!

don't dope your kid up on prednisone and let her run around naked because she will just pee all over your kitchen floor. because then you'd probably step in it. while wearing socks. and then have to hobble around the house for a minute while chasing said naked kid. and fall on your ass. while said naked kid is laughing at you.

hope this helps!

I hereby elect you In Charge of the World. I like ice cream, and I like wine and I want to be on a strict diet of ice cream and wine.

Free weights may suck your ass, but that giant bouncy ball in the gym that I'm supposed to be able to balance on can suck MY ass. How am I supposed to become a hottie with rockin abs in the new year if I can't even do two sit-ups without rolling off? Honestly, it is not helping me to realize my goal of becoming a MILF. Damnit.

I was just telling my husband Beth looks like she lost some weight. Nice job!

Beth, you're looking so thin!!!

Speaking of - I fit into some (NOT all. Actually, to be honest, one) pairs of pre-pregnancy jeans over the weekend. But by "fit into" I mean "could button but they gave me a muffin top." Does that count? Also, does it count as a muffin top if you have no intention of ever wearing a midriff-bearing shirt again?

Thank you for your fashion expertise.

I refuse to diet when I am under stress. Stressalond can be harmful to your health. So you see, those cheez-it's are actually helping you.
Actually sweetie, you do look wonderful, so don't sweat it too much.

Good luck!! Oh and your smokin ass looks even more smokin I can already tell that the diet is working for you . ;)

If that diet fails you could try the South Beach and I won't lie the first week is a BITCH but it gets easier, I swear it does!! And losing weight with very little to no excercise it always good to me. (almost 20lbs in just 2 months, I'm sure it would be more if I put effort into getting off my ass but eh)

You are definitely looking hott! Good luck with the diet. I've just finished my second full month of dieting, and I've lost 8lbs so far. It sucks, but I'm hoping for some serious results by summer.

You are just wasting away to nothingness! Eat something will you?

I quit dieting new years. That was my resolution. I've done it for 5 years, and I'm the biggest I've ever been. So screw it! I quit! Now, I'm working out like a dog and I only have to say one thing.

Cardio at 5:30am can suck MY ass!

Actually I really wish it would as maybe finally it would get smaller.

You are the last person in the world that needs to diet, seriously.

uh yeah, missed that part of where to give the potty training advice. will place in correct spot.

diets are for chumps ;)
i say go for the girl scouts cookies...especially since i can only dream about them. they don't freakin' sell them in canada!

Oh my God, I was wondering what looked different. You TOTALLY look thinner that you did the last time I was here. Nice work, sexy. *mraow*

Don't French women get to eat ice cream and wine and be thin? We'll get you a beret and then you'll be all set.

Girl scout cookies = crack. I was so proud of myself for holding at half a box of thin mints all last week, and then I went and polished off the rest of them in two and half days.

I'm liking the idea of ice cream and wine. We should maybe take that up with the Power That Be.

i've lost 10lbs on weight watchers ... and i'm not even on weight watchers, my husband is (he's lost 20 - beeeyotch!).

just sayin'.

(and you can have wine AND ice cream on weight watchers so you should try it)

I haven't read through all your comments, so forgive me if Im' repeating what someone else said, but it's scientifically proven that tired people eat more. I know. I'm freakin' exhausted. My 19 month old (today is her 19month bday) isn't sleeping well either - consequently neither am I. Between the exhaustion and my PMS, I have done nothing but EAT all day.

Beth! You can NOT NOT NOT cut alcohol out of your diet as it is essential for your health and happiness.

Tell your "friend" that there is no rush. Just wait until she wants to. AT least wait until she's 2, but don't worry til she's 5. And it takes a loooong time. Baby steps. teeny tiny itty bitty improvements. Until finally you won't be washing laundry that smells like piss anymore. At least that's the part I'm waiting for.

You look Mahvelous!

Hope Mia feels better soon ... and you get some sleep ... and you all live happily ever after ...

Totally thinner. You're almost so thin that I have to hate you a little. :)

I think it's one of those things where you go from eating what you want or grabbing stuff on the go and then all of a sudden having to cut back and eat "in moderation" becomes the most difficult task. I'm totally dreading post pregnancy, because seriously, while I haven't gone totally apeshit, I've let myself enjoy a lot of things without guilt.

Hopefully you can find your happy medium and not make yourself miserable about obsessing about portion control.

Mostly I'm just sorry about the lack of sleep. I know what you are going through and it ain't pretty!

Good luck.

Omigosh, you look super slim! That diet's working for you already! I hope Mia feels better! It totally sucks when they're sick.... And, no, I have no advice on potty training. I'm still trying to get the monkey to recognize what poo is.... She's in denial....

Switch to Reduced Fat Cheezits and you could scratch the other diet altogether. I personally like them better than regular Cheezits, which I find to be a little too greasy for my taste.

I'm impressed by your dedication. 36 hours? That's amazing! Good luck!

I think kid's teething and fevers automatically counteract the calories from comfort food. And for those Girl Scout cookies? Break them, THEN eat them. Everyone knows broken cookies don't actually have any calories! ;-)

Oh, hey there, Beth! Didn't see you at first. You're wasting away, woman.

I am with you on the unhealthy eating due to exhaustion bit. We are on day 4 of no sleep at night - I know this pales in comparison to the streak of non-sleep you've been on - and I'm feeling the tiredness in so many areas. Somehow my tired brain thinks that eating one, two, or 5 mini cream eggs is going to boost the energy so I can wash the dishes or the floor or make dinner. It never really works, so I have to eat more chocolate to make sure that my theory of sugar = energy isn't much of a theory at all. Then I resign myself to eating the chocolate not for the energy but for the minute pleasure it brings for such a short period of time. Without sleep, I'm not getting much pleasure out of anything else.

You are brave and strong to do the restricted eating thing on top of the exhaustion thing. Hats off to you.

Great! You can be a new candidate for my all new exclusive chopstick diet. Here's the deal... You eat anything you want. But you can only use chopsticks to eat it with. No silverware. No fingers. I imagine you could get pretty thin that way. Have you ever tried picking up an Oreo with chopsticks? F'n IMPOSSIBLE. And they make good weapons toward asshole husbands who bring evil GS cookies into the house.

Why, Beth, is something different today? The way you're wearing your hair maybe? No? Ahh, I know what it is! You've lost weight, haven't you?

What's your secret?

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