Wow, you cocksuckers sure do have a lot to say on the subject of vacuums. Speaking of which, I haven't vacuumed anything yet today, must get right on that.
Yesterday, Mia and I went to a library storytime in a neighborhood about 20 minutes from mine and even snottier. See, lots of the cocksuckers who live in my neighborhood have lots of money and work hard to give you the impression that they crap hundred dollar bills. This other neighborhood, it's five hundred dollar bills. However, it was out and socialization and all that crap, so we went. It lasted 15 minutes. 15. That's like six songs and one story and then see ya, get your stamp at the door. I felt totally gypped, so I called the librarian a cocksucker on the way out.
Then, as we were trying to leave, I was more than halfway out of my parking space when some bitch in a minivan going entirely too fast decided that she didn't want to stop to let me get out of the way, so she just kept driving as fast as she could and blasted her horn at me. So I called her a cocksucker. I mean, once she parked I pulled up behind her, rolled down my window, waited for her to get out of the car, and yelled "cocksucker" at the top of my lungs and then drove away giggling.
Hey, remember that diet I was on where I had to measure crap? It was a cocksucker, I quit. The measuring pissed me off, although I did rather enjoy entering everything into my handy excel spreadsheet. I'm still dieting though, just more of the low fat, low carb, low sugar, no wine (cocksucker!), all the baby carrots you can eat variety. I've lost five and a half pounds in a little more than a week, because I'm a cocksucker, but you can't tell at all, because my chubby thighs and flabby belly are also cocksuckers. I've also been working out like a cocksucker, so give me credit for that at least. Oh, and I just ate three girl scout cookies that Chris left sitting next to the computer. Cocksucker.
That's all for now, cocksuckers, I have to go clean the cocksucker shower before the cocksucker mold achieves sentience and kills me in my cocksucker sleep. Cocksucker.
Comments (65)
Love it! I also love that Deadwood! Seth Bullock (played by Timothy Olyphant) is so hot and sexy, but nobody beats Al Swearengen (Ian McShane) for cool. That dude is awesome and I love nothing better than when he calls someone a cocksucker. You do it quite well too, but Swearengen is THE MAN!
Posted by JSEE | March 7, 2007 1:20 PM
Go play with Mia. You are stressing out.
I came home in the same mood yesterday and just sat on the bed with my booger till things went back to normal.
Hehe,
she said "cocksucker" my favorite curse word
TV
Posted by Thomas | March 7, 2007 1:25 PM
that was very painful to read....
Posted by linda | March 7, 2007 1:29 PM
LOL!
Posted by S. | March 7, 2007 1:39 PM
5.5lbs?
You are SUCH a cocksucking bitch.
Posted by Pamalamadingdong | March 7, 2007 1:39 PM
You are a hilarious cocksucker! That post was hysterical.
Posted by Shelly | March 7, 2007 1:45 PM
-5.5 lbs. is cocksuckingfabulous!
Posted by Maria | March 7, 2007 1:53 PM
Lordy Beth. That's a lot of cocksuckers.
(Interestingly, spellcheck wants to correct "Lordy" but not "cocksuckers.")
Posted by chatty cricket | March 7, 2007 1:53 PM
WOW- Beth with Turrets syndrome... I think you need a massage to get rid of some of that COCKSUCKER tension...
Posted by Stephanie | March 7, 2007 1:53 PM
So....Deadwood, huh? I'll have to check that out. I'm convinced that the cursing is what makes HBO dramas so good. If you haven't tried Sopronos, The Wire, and Six Feet Under already, you should.
5.5 cocksucking lbs in a week....not bad at all!
Posted by Kim | March 7, 2007 1:54 PM
Wow, you make cocksucker sound so classy.
Cocksucker.
It does feel good to say that.
Posted by donna | March 7, 2007 1:58 PM
LOL!!
Posted by Manda | March 7, 2007 1:58 PM
But you still didn't tell us what kind of cocksucking vacuum you got.
I am sure if you crapped hundred dollar bills you would lose weight faster. That's why all those rich cocksucker housewives are so thin.
:D
Posted by Trix | March 7, 2007 2:05 PM
Everything was fine and then you called Chris a cocksucker. Thanks.
Posted by SciFi Dad | March 7, 2007 2:06 PM
You and your cocksucking vacuum think you're SO cool. Jerk.
I want a working vacuum.
Posted by Leah | March 7, 2007 2:08 PM
Who you callin' cocksucker, biatch!? ;)
Posted by Haley-O | March 7, 2007 2:09 PM
Ok, that kinda turned me on. I now have an undeniable urge to suck a cock.
Posted by Mel | March 7, 2007 2:19 PM
Oh how I loved Deadwood, thanks for making me giggle today. I needed it. :)
Oh, and -5.5lbs in a week? Bitch! (or cocksucker!) Way to go!
Posted by Jhianna | March 7, 2007 2:32 PM
You are such a cocksucker, you 5.5 lb losing bitch! That is awesome, good job. :) (Though, you are still a cocksucker!)
Posted by Teenuh | March 7, 2007 2:33 PM
Is it sad that I love you more since you called a woman at the library a cocksuker.
If it's wrong, I don't wanna be right.
(Ew. I just typed wanna.)
Posted by Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah | March 7, 2007 2:34 PM
Damn, what's with all the cocksucking around here?
I don't know if I should be turned on or run away...
Posted by Kyle I | March 7, 2007 2:42 PM
So you had a run in with Lindsey Lohann? Didn't realize she drove a mini van. Stars these days...always trying to fitin...
Posted by Stephanie | March 7, 2007 2:43 PM
LOL.. As much as that word flies from my mouth, I am surprised my son hasn't picked it up. Can't wait for that one to happen! haha
Congrats on the 5.5 lbs! Have I told you recently how slim you're looking?! =]
Posted by Suzy | March 7, 2007 2:52 PM
Dude, is cocksucker the word of the day or something? Did I miss a memo?
Posted by Dawn | March 7, 2007 3:14 PM
That was way too funny. But, reading the word that many times just made it not sound so bad anymore.
Posted by tori | March 7, 2007 3:39 PM
-5.5 in one week--you are a cocksucker! Try 2 pounds in 2 months...COCKSUCKER!!!
Posted by Kelly | March 7, 2007 4:07 PM
I've been having a rough one at the office. This really helped.
Five and a half, Cocksucker.
We started watching Deadwood the during a weekend marathon right before the second season started. 10 hours of the show in a 24 hour period (we could not make ourselves stop watching) left us calling everything fucking cocksuckers. One of my favorite damn shows ever.
Posted by anna | March 7, 2007 4:07 PM
When you promise somethiing you deliver!
I'm laughing my butt off.
Posted by Bebunu | March 7, 2007 4:24 PM
Trackback:
http://starvingkelly.blogspot.com/2007/03/bring-it-be-atch.html
Posted by Kelly | March 7, 2007 4:24 PM
It's true, you did warn us. And I would be reading at the library today, too, where I have to prevent the snorting laughter from disturbing the other patrons. (I also hate this keyboard. It feels funny.)
Posted by Heather | March 7, 2007 4:31 PM
It's just a nonsense word now. Watch- I'll be going about my day and slip and say cocksucker at some fabulously inappropriate time and NOT EVEN NOTICE. And it'll be ALL your fault. And I'll be fired and my family will be homeless and starve.
Thanks. Thanks a lot.
Posted by heels | March 7, 2007 5:56 PM
Reminds me of the SNL skit - "corksoakers." LOL!
Posted by E :) | March 7, 2007 5:56 PM
Thank you! I honestly really needed that laugh at the over use of cocksucker. It has indeed made my day brighter!
Posted by Tc | March 7, 2007 6:01 PM
Would it killya to throw in a 'dicksmoker' or 'penis vacuum', now and again? Granted, 'penis vacuum' is a tough one to work into a conversation, but I'm confident a real dicksmoker could do it.
Posted by Rick | March 7, 2007 6:29 PM
Why am I thinking of pickles?
Posted by Elaine | March 7, 2007 6:57 PM
Please, no more "cocksucker" posts for a while.
Posted by witchy_puppy | March 7, 2007 7:06 PM
That was a pure delight.
Posted by cocksucker | March 7, 2007 9:37 PM
Okay, once more, with feeling. And "dickhead".
Posted by Pammer | March 7, 2007 9:49 PM
okay, you're freakin' hilarious! Cocksucker. And how the hell do you stop drinking wine? I'd rather be dead.
Posted by michele | March 7, 2007 11:01 PM
This entry sounds like a crazy madlibs!
Posted by Lauren | March 7, 2007 11:56 PM
Welcome Googlers! Sooooo not what they were looking for.
Posted by Annie | March 8, 2007 12:53 AM
Tee hee, you said cocksucker, a lot. That was funny.
Posted by nila | March 8, 2007 4:07 AM
Nice. Very nice. I'm enjoying this vicariously, since I would never get away with such fun myself. Firstly my Grandma reads my blog, and secondly my husband would take this as a promise.
Posted by Heather | March 8, 2007 9:56 AM
Remember to blame Chris when Mia says cocksucker like a broken record.
Posted by jessica | March 8, 2007 10:00 AM
Cocksucker.
Posted by Brad | March 8, 2007 10:01 AM
in an urge to be crude....
i much prefer "fucking cocksucker"
but cocksucker is a good one, esp. if a two year old can repeat it back to you. it would make those "mommy and me" classes all the more interesting.
Posted by nikki | March 8, 2007 10:24 AM
I am a regular reading, non posting cocksucker and I just want to say that first - 5 1/2 pounds in one week is making me drool and second - that post had me cracking up!!!!! I have newborn twins and still have 10 pounds to lose....I'm not ready to give up the wine just yet!! It is my string to sanity.
Posted by Lesley | March 8, 2007 11:19 AM
sometimes a girl just needs to say "cocksucker"... about 450 times :)
Posted by ali | March 8, 2007 11:22 AM
Adding Deadwood to my Netflix cue right now...
And Goodness - you look Fabulous!
Posted by hannita | March 8, 2007 11:31 AM
Okay. I think it's time for you to sit down and have a little wine. A woman can only diet so long before they crack and since you used cocksucker 16 times in this post. If you'd only used it 8 times then I wouldn't be so worried, but 16, well that's nearly crisis time!
Posted by Maribeth | March 8, 2007 12:04 PM
Question: Is Chris getting his hopes up?
Posted by Stacy | March 8, 2007 12:23 PM
How come no one says cuntsucker or pussysucker?
~Jef
Posted by Edge | March 8, 2007 12:24 PM
You sounded just like Richard Nixon.
Posted by Samantha Jo Campen | March 8, 2007 3:01 PM
you rock, cocksucker! I really needed a laugh thanks! both girls have the stomach bug from hell. I think you're familiar with that cocksucker bug, Mia had it didn't she?
5.5 lbs AND girl scout cookies? awesome!
Posted by Cynthia | March 8, 2007 3:52 PM
I wa a little late reading. But I about pissed my self. Not really, that was hilarious.
Posted by crookedeyebrow | March 8, 2007 3:59 PM
I was a little late reading. But I about pissed my self. Not really, that was hilarious.
Posted by crookedeyebrow | March 8, 2007 4:00 PM
Hilarious. This reminds me of the incredibly crude and offensive humor magazine I did layout for in college. The administration threatened to take away our funding if we didn't stop using the word "Fuck." So we did an issues exactly as we always would, but then replaced every instance of "fuck" with "cocksucker." It was cocksuckering fantastic, I tell you.
Posted by e. | March 8, 2007 4:33 PM
Damn, that is fucking impressive. You cocksucker. :)
Posted by bad penguin | March 8, 2007 6:05 PM
Let it out! Let it all out!
Posted by Multi-tasking Mommy | March 8, 2007 8:31 PM
I laughed so hard I cried a little. Only in my left eye. The right eye? Open wide in amazement at your rapidfire weight loss.
One eye watering, the other bugged out. So gorgeous.
Posted by Vaguely Urban | March 9, 2007 12:02 PM
I don't know why, but the fifth time I read the word "cocksucker" I pictured someone sucking on a rooster. Now I can't get the image out of my mind.
Posted by Rachel | March 9, 2007 5:46 PM
Breathe. It's all good ... just remember that you are fabulous and much better than minivan woman.
Posted by airwick | March 10, 2007 7:26 AM
Cocksucker. 5.5 pounds??? I've lost 5 in like, THREE WEEKS. Of course, the only thing I've done is swear off that cocksucking fast food shit.
It's not as fun when you're a few days behind. I feel like all the shine is worn off cocksucking. Sigh.
Posted by Sparkle Pants | March 10, 2007 1:07 PM
omg - first time here, and HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE! I don't feel familiar enough to call you cocksucker, but how 'bout a friendly, I'll be back, asshat.
Posted by kgirl | March 15, 2007 10:42 AM
I am declaring today Cocksucker Friday!
Posted by stinkerbell | March 16, 2007 11:11 AM