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Must. Be. Stopped.

Last week, I got a new vacuum cleaner as the old one had developed the persistent habit of blowing more dirt out the top than it sucked in the bottom. Since then, I just can't stop vacuuming. When Chris gets home from work these days, there's no "hi, honey," no "nice to see you," no "how was your day?" oh no. When Chris gets home from work I say "Hi, want to see something really gross?" And he says, "Not particularly." And then I say "Oh yes you do, just look at all the dirt I vacuumed out of the stairs today!" And then Chris says, "Yes dear, that's thrilling. Maybe you should try to get out a little more?"

It's becoming a sickness. This weekend, I vacuumed our mattress. It was a mixed bag, really. On the one hand, it was wholly unsatisfying because I hardly got anything out of it and didn't have anything gross to show Chris. On the other hand, hooray for not sleeping on a totally filthy mattress, you know? Anyway, today I vacuumed my furniture, and for those few of you reading this who have sat on my furniture lately I'm sorry, I had no idea. The super exciting thing about my new vacuum is that the hand attachment thingy has a brush thingy that spins around thingy. Have you seen these thingys? Why didn't anybody tell me about these thingys? Nearly a year after both cats died I finally got the cat hair off of my furniture.

Shit, I can't believe I just wrote an entire post about my vacuum cleaner. I promise to make up for it tomorrow by slipping "cocksuckers" in as often as possible. (I may have been watching a little too much Deadwood lately, cocksuckers.)

Comments (55)

If you can't get enough of your new vacuum, you can certainly drop by and vacumn our rugs/mattresses/furniture. I'll be happy to view the contents afterward.

I desperately need a vacuum that works and that won't break the second I touch it. I have tried so many vacuums. They all see me coming and blow a belt or a gasket or something important. This post makes me nearly shaky with jealousy.

So, maybe we both need to get out more. What do you say - should we meet at the Art Institute?

Congratulations on having clean furniture, floors, stairs and mattresses! I laughed at this post, because I've been doing the same thing, only with my kitchen. Because there is ALWAYS another little nook or cranny that MIGHT need disinfecting. again.

Although, now that you mention it, I may want to vaccuum the furniture:)

Any chance it is a Dyson? I have been lusting after one to clean up the cat fur tumbleweeds. Vacuum cleaners are just no match for the fur and dust...they just sadly sputter out after a few months. I so want to go vacuum now...

Spill it! What kind? Now go vacuum up what you just spilled! OMG...I am corny!

Yeah, spill it! What kind of machine have you got there?

I find that no vacuum can stand up to my hair, which apparently falls out regularly. Every time I vacuum, I have to stop, take the vacuum apart and cut my hair from the rotating brush/bar thingy, then put it all back together. Good thing I'm handy. But seriously, there should be a vacuum that won't bind up the motor if it vacuums up long hair.

So what IS this spectacularly almost-orgasmic new vacuum you have? Because I would LOVE to get all the cat hair off my furniture, even if it is only for 10 minutes.

After my brother-in-law bought a dyson, my niece thought it would be a good idea to vacuum all the cookie dough remnants in the kitchen. I guess it does lose suction, if it's in the hands of an eight-year-old.

I'm not generally much of a vacuumer, but I'd be much indebted to you, ma'am, if you'd reveal the make and model of that thar vacuum cleaner you've got there. Cocksucker.

my husband and I are equally thrilled with our dyson we bout a year ago. We always show each other what we picked up. "Look at all of this and I just vacuumed on Sunday!"

We are sick.

I bought a Dyson DC17 in January. If my husband and I ever split up, he can have the kids, but I am keeping my Dyson.

They have a great warranty. Plus an automatic shut-off if you suck up something you shouldn't. Like 3 pens. My husband did that. After an hour we cleaned it out and the vaccuum is going again. I have a collie and this thing makes my life livable.

The proceeding message was not compensated by Dyson though I wish to hell it was.

trying so terribly hard not to be jealous... my vacumn cleaner sucks... or doesn't... you know what I mean. What kind is it, if I may ask, so that I too, may beg and plead with the powers that be to get one?

I just want to know what brand so I can go out and buy one too and get this sort of thrill back into my life!

you vaccuum?

wow.

Sadly, my immediate thought was also "Ooh, what sort of new vaccuum?" because I want a Dyson, and if you got one and love it so very much, then maybe I can justify spending that much money. I keep hearing how fabulous they are.

Isn't Deadwood great? I love how they work all that swearing in to the dialogue. John and I joke that the writers must have contests to see how many times they can use the word fuck.

What kind did you get? I'm in the market but am so scared to commit to a particular vacuum because I don't want to waste hundreds of dollars on a piece of shit that I'll end up having to replace in two years.

vaccuuming's for boys.

(well at least in my house it is)

Oooh.. we got a new vacuum for around Christmas, and it has one of those little thingys with the little spinny thingy on it... I. Love. it. It has sucked up enough animal hair, I could make myself a farm of critters!

I am very afraid to vacuum my mattress...

You didn't share the most important part! What kind of vacuum??

We just bought the Dyson pet. It is a god send! All the cat hair.... Gone! And it's quiet. So my little ones are not afraid of it anymore.

The Dyson totally revitialized our carpet before we sold our house. It was astonishing how, on the third day of vacuuming the same carpet, it was still pulling out hunks of dirt. Holy cocksuckers!

http://almostlucid.com/?p=777 and
http://almostlucid.com/?p=792

oooooooh, I still remember the day I got a bagless vacuum - I discovered the *actual* color of my carpet that day!! (To my credit, the previous owners were sloooooobs and didn't have the carpet professionally cleaned before we moved in - I caught the lady of the house scooting a lame-o grocery-store-rental-cleaner around!!!)
Enjoy your new vacuum - consider putting sparkley stickers on it!

For Chris' sake, I hope you never get a carpet shampooer. Watching an entire room of old smashed down carpet change color and get lifted into upright position again so you can actually see the vacuum lines... it's invigorating. At least, it is if you're as neurotic about vacuum lines as I am :)

Today - just don't do it ... if you feel the urge ... go outside ... sing wheels on the bus ... do whatever it takes to avoid the urge.

Personally, I don't have to worry about his ... MsMiss detests the vacuum. Even the site of it will cause her to wail in protest. All vacuuming must be scheduled on the weekend when one of us can entertain her downstairs while the other gets the job done ...

Am I supposed to be vacuuming my mattress? Crap.

Yes, it is impossible to watch "Deadwood" without calling people cocksuckers afterward.

I feel compelled to jump on the Dyson bandwagon. For years friends kept saying out great their Dysons were and I kept buying crappy HOovers. Right before xmas the Hoover died and I bought the purple Dyson - I never thought I could love a vac so much.

I can't believe I spent almost a half an hour staring at our Roomba the first time we let it go.

Cocksucker!

Damn that was a good show. You know a show is good when two characters can have a conversation entirely comprised of the word "cocksucker" and it is entertaining and informative. Wonderful.

Ahhh, the glamorous lives we lead, home with the babies.

i long for the day when i get things packed up enough around here, that i can vacuum.

I'm with the others...what is it? All I have right now is a cheapo little vacuum that does the job alright for an itsy bitsy apartment, but someday, when I grow up, I want a real one :P
Also, there's a vacuum store in town whose slogan is, "Our vacuums suck! And that's a good thing!"

So back when Amazon.com had awesome deals in their gold box offers, a Dyson animal came up in my gold box. I felt like I had won the lottery. I *heart* my Dyson.

Seeing as I recently broke my vacuum I found this post entertaining as well as taunting.

I vote for the combination post. Cocksuckers AND vacuum cleaners.

I cannot decide who to lust after more right now.... Dyson or Oreck. I hear only good things about Dyson, but my old babysitter had an Oreck that she raved about. If I could get my head around paying 500 bucks for a vacuum cleaner, I would buy one.

AWWWWW...But buying the Purple Dyson is money well spent.

Sadly, toddler has equaled the need to vaccum a lot more frequently than I used to. It's amazing how much crap they drop on the floor.

It must be a Dyson. I went nuts when I first got mine. I couldnt believe how bad my other cleaners had been when I got this one and it basically sucked the fibers out of stuff. First time there was no dog hair anywhere!

I honestly didnt read any other of the comments. It looks like I am not the only one obsessed with the Dyson...ha!

Well it sounds like most folks think you have a Dyson. But I want verification. What did you get? So jealous. I love clean floors. Geez. Did I just say that? So sad.

Our vacuum sucks, too!

It's a purple Dyson. Can't believe I ever bought one from (cough) Sears.

I bought it from Amazon, a reconditioned unit, but you can't tell. Tons of dirt from everywhere. It's a tossup if the kids or dogs are dirtier.

Oh man alive... I have a new Dyson and I hoover so much now... and its sooooooooooo scary..... I used to do outwork (for a factory) and found bits in the carpet from years ago.... I was mortified... even though no-one else knew... and ewwwwwwwww.. where does all the hair come from... I swear me and HB should be bald going by the amount of hair I hoover up... either that or someone moonlights in my house as a hairdresser when I'm in bed.....

Yes, please share the brand.

Cocksuckers and vacuums--that should garner some interesting search strings. :D

Okay - I, too, am dying to know what kind of vacuum it is. Since most of our house is hardwood flooring, I went with a cheap Dirt Devil but I think it may be time to invest in a very good vacuum if we move into an all-carpet place.

So... why don't you post some of these damn interesting things you've vacuumed up lately? (Damn, I need to get a life.)

Dyson = AWESOME!

It picks up MY long ass hair from all over the house and don't die on the first try. And therefore it stays. :)

See, I really loved my vacuum too, until the Kirby salesguy came by with his (freakin' expensive) vacuum and made me see that my vacuum was really just a piece of crap compared to his wonderful thing (and btw, I got to see how nasty my floor is - thanks, my kids eat off of it!).

But I didn't buy his Kirby. I don't want to have a payment plan for my vacuum.

I was just thinking this weekend that it may be time for me to buy a new vacuum. Please add me to the list of people who want to know what kind of vacuum you purchased.

Man, I just love all the opportunities to type the lovely double "u" in "vacuum" this post has generated. If you though vacuuming lust was lame, adulation for consecutive "u"s must be something even worse.

Don't think you can get away with not saying the kind you got! It's a Dyson, isn't it?

ISN'T IT???!?!??

Is it a Dyson? Because...after I got mine I did go a little crazy. Even the kids loved using it. And then...things went back to normal.

You are welcome to vacuum at my house any time. Isn't it scary to think that appliances have possible reached the excitement level of really cute shoes for us now? This aging thing is a killer.

I'm so relieved to see that so many people have an obsession with their Dysons...I guess I will not have to send my husband to a mental ward like I originally thought. He will vaccum every day and insist that I look at what's in the cylinder thing.

As a side note ~ Do you watch Rome? I'm loving Rome these days...never was a big Deadwood fan. Oddly enough it was the language that bothered me...go figure.

It says a lot that you can do a post about my least favourite thing in the world -- vacuum cleaners -- and still keep my attention. Kudos! ;)

You know how you asked a while back why so many more people read this blog than the other one? I know the answer now. There's no cocksucker on the other one.

I remember when we first got our vacuum that you could see everything cycle around inside, I was addicted like every.day to cleaning! The novelty did eventually wear off, but I hear ya! I so hear ya!

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So the Fish Said...

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