I'm not doing any work today. I mean yes, I already went to the grocery store and cleaned the playroom and the living room and rearranged the furniture in the living room (again, which is hysterical since there is really only one way everything fits) and of course I'm changing diapers and serving as Chef to the Toddler Stars and will unload the dishwasher and make dinner. Um, I guess what I mean is that I'm not doing yard work or scraping the goddamned sheet vinyl off the downstairs bathroom floor (which is going to take the rest of my natural life to complete) and that has me very happy, very happy indeed.
Oh, and I'm also editing a video of Mia to post tomorrow, which you are all going to want to see, so you should definitely come back tomorrow and check it out.
Anyway, y'all? Let's all get drunk on cheap wine and bum cigarettes off of cute boys and try not to cough when we light up because it's been years but we are trying to look cool and then go back to my house and eat cold chili and leftover chinese out of the fridge, because I love you, man! I was a little nervous about yesterday's post because I thought maybe everybody would be all "dude, I suck and I'm fat and I hate my hair and I'm so boring and I'm, like, maybe a three." And instead, you were all (most of you anyway) "dude, I so totally rock that it isn't even funny, and I'm fabulous and my ass is smokin' in these pants and I'm at least an 8.92736." (Aside, what is with you people and the taking it to four decimal places? This is the 1-10 Hotty Scale, not rocket science.) (And anyway, if it was rocket science we'd probably have to convert the whole thing to metric anyway and do it in terms of, I dunno, milliliters or something, and that would ruin all the fun.) (So lighten up!) (I kid, I kid because I love.)
And I also love how so many of you told me about the non-physical things that make you attractive people rather than just the physical things, because you can have the beautiful people all to yourself, I'll take smart and funny any day of the week.
So anyway, you guys rock and I love it and I love knowing that the whole world doesn't have a raging self-esteem thing and that it is basically just me and you three over there in the back, but that's cool because we can totally get together and bond over some booze and let the fabulous people go right along being fabulous while we truly love them but also don't really understand how they do that. Except that I really honest to god think I am almost entirely over my self-esteem thing, mostly by virtue of being too old to give a damn anymore, but then when you were all going on about being so amazing I started thinking that I was being too hard on myself. And I kept glancing at the piece of paper where I had written my number down - yes indeed, I really did so I could force myself not to change it - and thinking maybe I should just get the pen again and change it to an 8 or something, just to go with the flow.
But, I didn't do it. I gave myself a six. Maybe a bit higher once I get to know you and stop acting like I'm competing in the Asshole Olympics, although to be honest I think I'm always basically an asshole and it's just that once I get to know you I can take the edge off a little and then I'm an endearing asshole instead of an asshole asshole. And you know, I'm happy with a six. It's better than average with room for improvement, and I think that's pretty good.
ETA: Hey, cut it out. I mean thank you, and you are very kind, but I didn't argue with you about your chosen number, so chill. I have a husband I can force to say nice things to me, you are all off the hook.
Oh, off the hook in the conventional sense. I only recently learned that it means something else too. Which, wait, sort of applies here. Let me amend my statement to reflect that you are all off the hook and off the hook.