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Marital Bliss

Chris likes to make rules for me while I'm pregnant: things that I want to do and cannot and things that I don't want to do and must. It is the sort of thing that is hopelessly endearing and also sort of hot, that at the same time makes me wish he would shut the fuck up already. I think he does it because he can play the fetus card and have at least a chance of getting me to do what he says, whereas most of the time I either ignore him or tell him where he can shove his bossy, "because I'm your husband" attitude.

Or it may just be that pregnancy is his turn to be the rational one in this relationship. We usually alternate - I convince him that the sky is not, in actual fact, currently falling one day, and he talks me out of whatever tree I've chased myself up the next. These days, Chris is the one lecturing me that if I got less than three hours sleep the night before, a nap is a far better option than a trip to the gym. Or a pedicure. But see, I really need a pedicure. And he's right on that. He says I'm stubborn (and probably thinks, but wisely does not say, that I am also stupid), but I prefer to believe that pregnancy impairs my brain to the point that logic and I just decide to part company for a while.

Chris's big Pregnancy Rule for Beth this go-round, thanks largely to our recent move and my habit of stacking a phone book, a toddler chair and a sturdy basket into a pile to climb so I can reach the top of the cabinets, or whatever, is No Standing on Chairs. Although, it is far more complicated than that. I may not stand on a kitchen chair, but it's perfectly fine to stand on the kitchen counters. Apparently the living room chairs are acceptable as well, but that may only be when I am rescuing my husband from a terrifying spider the size of a pea.

I think the rules are a little silly. After all, I've done this before and I am certainly not going to do anything to endanger the safety of our fetus, or my own ass for that matter as I am not a fan of pain. But I abide by them, for the most part. At least when Chris is home. When he isn't home... well... what he doesn't know and all of that.

I bring this up, because I have a pile of empty boxes that need to be relocated to the attic, and I am fairly sure that Chris would Not Approve of my hauling them up the very sturdy ladder myself. And I am also fairly sure that he would notice, forcing me to either admit that I climbed the ladder and face the lecture or come up with some story about how a roving gang of elves came storming through the neighborhood early this morning and I gave them a nickel apiece and all the leftover Chinese food in the fridge to haul the boxes for me. Somehow, I don't think he would buy that.

Sigh. I guess I'll have to clean the bathrooms instead (with all-natural, non-toxic products only, of course). It just doesn't sound like nearly as much fun.

Also hey, we're guessing Wally's gender over here today, if you are so inclined.

Comments (15)

hilarious!

and while i'm sure it is completely annoying to have your independence and judgment undermined, it really is just unbelievably cute. so cute. so fucking cute i could melt.

You are way more patient than I would be. If the time comes that I'm pregnant my husband better not think of telling me what to do unless he is ready to switch places. I do realize that Chris only wants what's best for you and the baby, but geez, does he really think you're going to do somethng stupid?

It's nice that you can send subtle messages to Chris via your blog. It's like saying something to him without using words. I might need to try this.

Hmm, my husband had that rule for me when I was pregnant as well... Maybe it is a male thing.

Speaking of rules, didn't you and I have PLANS sometime soon? I'm dying for some.

I totally remember that. When I was pregnant, J became the Pregnancy Nazi. No caffeine, no paint, no fumes, no hair dye, no nitrates, no food that wasn't from Whole Foods, no sugar, couldn't cart around the boxes at work I was used to carrying every day, yada yada...
It was sort of endearing, and sort of made me want to smack him sometimes.

I'm pleasantly surprised that you are still being looked after so carefully with number 2! With my first pregnancy I wasn't allowed to ride my bike on the road, to drink water from a spring at our friends' cottage (lovely water, I was very cross) or lift heavy weights. Second pregnancy? Meh. Go ahead with all and any of the above including lifting/wrestling a squirmy and solid toddler. On the plus side, I did twig to the "cravings" second time round. I craved chocolate, you know.

I'm a "safety patrol" expectant father too. It's sort of a "better-safe-than-sorry" argument, like wearing your seat-belt. You don't think you're going to get in an accident and get hurt, but you still put on the seat belt just in case, to minimize the danger and the consequences.

Climbing ladders/chairs when there's an able-bodied person who ISN'T carrying a little person in their belly available to do so is adding unnecessary risk, even though we know you aren't *intending* to endanger the fetus/yourself.

With that said, I don't see how Chris can get mad at a roving gang of elves. I'd conscript their help, post-haste.

HAHAH, god that is funny because it is happening EXACTLY the same in our household...although you were far more eloquent than I in explaining it!

Yea, I can't believe I've argued about hair dye with my husband....like seriously!


I think if you construct the elf story correctly, Chris just might buy it.

That surprises me for some reason. It's not like I know Chris super well, but for some reason, I'm just surprised he is like that.
Oh, and I would totally tell him to shut up.

Only a nickel a piece?!

Elf exploiter!!

Hauling boxes is fun?! :-)

Husbands are so cute like that! If I could find a way to stay knocked up perpetually, but never have to actually get past oh.. about 3 weeks, I'd be perfectly happy to never have another period or have to carry groceries again!

My husband didn't have a problem with me standing on chairs, he just didn't want me carrying anything heavy. Works for me! :P

When Hubs and I had our first child, I had already given birth twice. He always said I was the "expert" in all things baby and toddler, so he never questioned the things I decided to do. Having said that, I was always pretty careful. I think it is cute that Chris is so concerned and involved. You are one lucky woman. (Yes, I know you'll be careful, too.)

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So the Fish Said...

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