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Only me

I own a couple of... adult items. You know what I mean. I will leave it up to you to decide for yourselves whether they were gag gifts which have since gathered dust in the back of my dresser because I am terrified to throw them away for fear someone will discover them in my trash or whether they are treasured items put to frequent use. One of those things is true, but I can't quite decide which would be worse to admit on the internet. I feel like one way, I'm repressed, and the other way I'm giving you information you have no reason to know, so I'm just admitting that I own these... adult items, and leaving it at that.

When we moved, I did not want the movers to discover these... adult items amongst my belongings, so I hid them in one of my many purse-type things in one of those cheap plastic "dressers" and then taped the drawers closed.

Last week, I took Mia to a local park/farm to ogle the pigs and horses (I held my kid while she patted two massive draft horses and didn't cry even a little, be proud of me) and the peacock.

What do these two things have in common? Well, guess which purse-type thing I decided to take along to haul all of Mia's needed accessories, and guess which purse-type thing I didn't check before dumping a bunch of toddler stuff inside, and guess what I carried along with me to our local park/farm?

I'm the only person this has ever happened to, aren't I? I knew it.

Comments (37)

numero uno!! yee haw!

just be glad you didn't spill your purse in front of everyone. that would have been REALLY bad.

Please tell me that it didn't fall out of your purse or that Mia didn't pull it out.

I guess it's better than taking it to the airport!

Possibly the best story ever.

Also, I really hope you treasure them. I don't like to be the only one with a crush on my adult items.

I thought you were going to say "guess which purse Mia decided to play with". This is slightly better. :)

I also think you'd be surprised at how many people have those types of things. It surprised me when some of my friends confessed. I never imagined.

Hilarious. That is totally something that would happen to me. I was pregnant on the last move (and packing for said move) and I don't remember where I packed my adult item. Yes, just one. We've lived in the house for almost 2 years and I still haven't found it. I'm pretty sure Raegan will find it and bring it out on Thanksgiving when all the in-laws are over.

NOPE! I have a similar kind of moment. Only I'd stuck mine in a totally never, ever, EVER used attache someone had given me. It was also during a move and I just hand carried it with me to my new place.

Well, I had this job interview and that attache was the perfect place for my resume'.

Thankfully, I only pulled out the resume'.

I'm pretty sure the boss noticed a look of dismay on my face when I opened the case.

I did get the job, though. :)

Not the same thing at all but similar and it still makes me snort. My husband was once in an important client meeting back in the days when he was still a lawyer. He had to sneeze and pulled out of his pocket.....a pair of my white knickers which had got mixed up with his white handkerchiefs. *snigger*

Be glad they don't have old crust guys working securtity that had to check your bag at the gate... That would have been worse.

Embrace the adult items. It's all good...


The ONE thing I can't find from my move four months ago is my adult item. That wouldn't normally bother me so much, but my parents helped me move.

It's better than a crack pipe at the playground.

You may least on the carrying of such items to the park. But not on the hiding and being ashamed of such items. I own one such item, having been forced to purchase it at a bachlorette party and I've continued to move it from place to place, afraid to throw it away, for fear someone may find it. Yes, you are not alone. We are both freaks. ;)

I am so repressed that I have none of "those" type of things. Oh I wish I did! LOL

I was almost certain that you were going to say that Mia was picking out a toy from the bag and discovered it. See? It could have been worse. Thanks for the laugh. :)

Oh, I have one adult item as well. In the bedside table drawer, along with my husband's...ahem...reading material. My ever-so-annoying mother-in-law was staying with us one day and apparently decided to go snooping around in our room - I know, what the hell? She informed me later that evening that she'd seen some "interesting things" in our bedroom that day.

I didn't even know how to reply to that. So I said nothing. (Of course, I really wanted to ask her what gave her the right to go into my private space and look around in the drawers and closet. Or tell her to get out and stay out and never ever darken my doorstep again...but I restrained myself mightily.)

So, you know, look at the bright side: at least yours were safe in your purse and not being fondled (ack!!) by your mother-in-law.

Recently I have been going through things long stored for me by my parents- stuff from my old bedroom at their house, stuff from the time I moved back in with them after being on my own for 2 years, etc. I was going through a box this past weekend and pulled out an item of the type you describe- which really was purchased for me as a gag gift- and thank god my mother was not at the storage unit with me because there is some possibility that I shrieked and dropped it and it bounced on the pavement a couple of times before getting pitched into the trash bag.

sorry...can't stop laughing...

:) Glad it was you and not me!! And hopefully Mia didn't pull it out for the world to see... :)

This is so funny! I really do hope none of them fell out. Hahahaha.

I can't say that's ever happened to me -- thank GOODNESS! ;) But, it's hilarious hearing about it happening to you!

And this, my friend, if my biggest fear. And another reason I keep mine hidden. Almost too hidden!

There is just too much good stuff in that story. Oh, and I happen to be getting OUT of the business of selling... adult items. So if you want anything at cost, I can totally hook you up. Just in case you're looking for MORE good old fashioned toddler fun.

Halfway through this post, I was totally picturing this Ikea commercial:

Well at least you KNOW where your.. adult item, is! I have one that went missing and I'll be damned if I can figure out what has happened to it! I remember it being in a box just before we were about to move into our new home several years ago. I remember thinking about stuffing it into the couch, so it wouldn't be just laying in a box with no lid or anything, but I can't remember if I actually did that or not. I don't remember that being more than a thought.

My husband later gave that couch to a friend of my brother and sister-in-law. I'm thinking they may have gotten a little more than they bargained for, but like I said... I cannot actually remember what I did with it!

I just pray if thats the case, that they didn't mention their little "find" to my brother. =/


*points finger and giggles*

I'd just dump them in the garbage and then take the trash bag to the neighbours bin a couple doors down. the neighbours who we don't like! ;-)

Hahahaa. Oh Beth, thank you. That was awesome.

I must live in the gutter. I thought this story was going to take a turn where Mia found your, er, adult item at the farm. And noticed it's similarity to a part of a horse. Because of that old expression, "hung like a...". Yeah. I don't even know if I'm making sense but this is just so wrong I'm not going to try to explain it further.

Still laughing at the real story! Thanks for sharing, Beth, you dirty bird. ;)

May I present...a fable that you might find relevant...

I live in The Netherlands and here it is reckoned that there are enough vibrators in Dutch households to equip every woman in the country between the ages of eighteen and seventy, but we are somewhat more relaxed about sexual matters than most Americans. Anyway, I had to go to Zurich for work last year for five days. It was the first time I have ever left my children overnight and the first time I had been away from my spouse for several years so I packed my favorite g-spot vibe. It’s a smallish and fairly discreet little toy and looks nothing like a certain male appendage. There are no borders in Europe any more so no customs searches and therefore carrying such luxuries is not usually a problem. I took the overnight train and when I left Maastricht all was well, but a lot can happen overnight. By the time I got to the Zurich there was some sort of security alert and passengers on my train were being searched as they got off, and it was being done at a hastily set up check point on the platform on the station. So there right in the middle of the morning rush hour the contents of our bags were thoroughly checked, my vibrator was lifted out, unscrewed and the batteries checked. There are times I am so glad I am deaf and do not have to hear the world and the comments of those around me, and this was one of those times. I just kept looking straight at the Swiss border policeman, who once he had examined the batteries kindly re-assemble it and placed it back in my bag (with surprising care).
I would like to say this experience will stop me from carrying such little treasures again, but I know it will not. I am a mother, but I am not dead from the waist down and will not apologize for still being a sensual being or let others judge me for what we all do normally.
You have a nice blog by the way, I have enjoyed reading it, thank you.
Regards, Judith

Oh. My. Gah. At least you didn't dump the contents of the bag. That would have been heinously embarrassing.

I bet this has happened to someone else. At least you didn't accidentally grab one out of the bag in plain view or something.

I happen to own a couple of those items as well (my best friend from college owns a company that sells them, and I had to support her business) and I was similarly paranoid when we moved.

Typically I am a "so the fish said" stalker, but this cracked me up!!! Thank you, I so needed that today, on this crappy at work, need to get home, kind of day!!!

Ohhhhhhh Noooooo!! ::: slaps forehead ::: That would be me..lolol

oh my god, I'm crying that is so funny.

Hahaha! Oh dear. "Mommy what is this?"

I'm worried Judith's comment has led everyone to believe at least two closets in my (Dutch) house are dedicated for adult sex toys.

That is too funny. A similar-ish thing happened to my mom, who was a second grade teacher. For a while, my parents owned two houses. One house they lived at and the other property was where they planned to build their retirement home. The other house had a hot tub though, so there would be many nights when my parents would go over there to hot tub and then drive back home.

My mom changed out of her swimming suit one night after hot tubbing and straight into her pajamas and robe for the drive home. It was cold out, so she also put on a coat. And then she slipped her bra that she was obviously no longer wearing into her coat pocket.

The next day at recess duty, she put her hands into her pocket to grab her gloves, and pulled out her bra. On a playground full of small children. Oops.

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