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Point of no return

I've finally reached the point where I look so definitely pregnant that people who don't know me are comfortable mentioning it, rather than worrying I've just chunked up a bit and they are about to commit the social faux pas of the year. Since Tuesday, five people who I don't really know but do see regularly to semi-regularly in various classes or groups have asked when I'm due. They've all seemed a bit surprised when I said "February," but I refuse to speculate as to whether they were expecting me to say "April" or "next week" based upon my perceived girth.

The truth is that if I suck it in really hard I can still look less pregnant and more just a bit bloated around the middle. I'm not sure if that's really a better effect and it's also sort of a pain in the ass so I figure I'll save it for when I accidentally run into Clive Owen at the dry cleaners and he falls instantly in love with me and asks me to run away with him to Paris.

I find myself less annoyed by people this time. Even the belly-patting from my mother-in-law doesn't get to me as much as I supposed I've learned to ignore it. It may help that she has yet to tell me pointedly that she only gained eight pounds when she was pregnant with Chris, which she told me repeatedly last time, generally right after making a joke about how fat I was. Don't get me wrong, she's a lovely woman, but it got so bad last time I had to have Chris smack her around a little bit until she promised to stop.

Although, I do have the ultimate cure for belly patting. When I was about 6 months pregnant with Mia I had to attend this work event that was supposed to be about dinner and a concert but turned out to be about everyone except me and the other pregnant girl getting shit-faced drunk. About halfway through the evening, which was near the end for me but before the next four bars the rest of the shit-faced crew hit, a manager who was visiting from another office and who I had met for the first time mere hours earlier decided to rub my belly. So I grabbed his ass. Probably not the best plan if a) he had been remotely sober or b) I had any intention of keeping that job or gave a hot damn whether I was fired on the spot, but it did get my point across and got his grubby little hands off of me. I highly recommend you give it a shot, although obviously only when you have nothing to lose.

(Notice how I didn't even mention my boobs there? Which is too bad, really, because this may be the only time in my whole life that my boobs have been or ever will be mentionable, but I'm refraining because y'all tease me so much. Yeah, I'm emotionally damaged now and I blame it all on you.)

Comments (25)

We want a picture!!! (yeah, I know you posted one of your belly just a few days ago, but still)

Also the ass-grabbing thing, SO FUNNY!!!

I missed something. You're shy because you have hott boobs? Boobs rock!

OOOOOOO making a mental note about that Ass Grabbing idea... for the future... hopefully... b/c I HATE when people touch me (when its inappropriate)

great idea on the ass-grabbing thing. this pregnancy for me is different on the belly-rubbing front in that, the first time around, no one did it. maybe that's because i wasn't as large until the very end, i don't know. but now, my MIL who i pretty much despise keeps rubbing my belly. i couldn't grab her ass without vomiting, but i do think that next time she touches my stomach, i'm going to reach out and rub hers simultaneously. maybe that will get my point across, because the usual turn-away/change subject has NOT been working.

Of all the pregnant women I've ever spent time around, I can never remember having an uncontrollable urge to rub their stomach. It does sort of strike me as tangential to walking up to a non-pregnant woman and honking a boob. I mean, if either of them make the offer of tummy-rubbing/boob-honking, sure, but otherwise, no.

I swear I have NEVER said anything about your boobs. Ever.

Good move on the ass -grab. I haven't figured out what possesses people to rub a pregnant woman's belly. Do they think a genie will pop out?

Never thought of the ass-grab in retaliation of the belly pat, but I might use it next time around.

I liked reaching the "pregnant" phase of pregnancy. I mean, it was better than the "fat" phase. But then at the end I was fat and pregnant and that's no fun for anyone. I'm sure you look beautiful!

Perhaps a shirt that says... "Belly Touching by invitation only"

Gosh, I hate being touched. One thing that worries me about being knocked up. People's desire to TOUCH you, all the time.

I can't believe you're so patient with your MIL! From all other indications she seems like a lovely lady but OH that would bother me. And the 8 lbs thing? Purely bitchy. Come ON. Every woman and every pregnancy is different. And you know her doctor wanted her to gain MORE weight, so you're just a better incubator than her and she's jealous :P

Oh, and "Point of No Return" now has me singing Phantom ;)

I don't like boobs on me, they only prove to make me seem ten pounds heavier. I'd rather be small chested. When we went to DisneyWorld last summer and I was pregnant with 3.0 I was only 3 months, so still had a rather small stomach and huge boobs. I wouldn't even put a bathing suit on. I don't like that attention.

I could have written this post myself! There are a few differences though: I'm expecting #3, due in March (you're probably smaller than me though), and never thought to grab someone's ass when they felt compelled to touch my belly...may have to consider that one, though. SAHMs can't be fired, right? With everyone being able to tell I'm pregnant, I kind of feel like I don't have a special little secret anymore.

My plan was to act as though belly-patting resulted in severe pain. I never got to use that strategy, though, because no one ever rubbed me, so I can't report on the effectiveness.

I'm going to get me a pregnancy costume just so I can grab someone's ass. (Well, that and cause my husband to keel over dead.)

When did the concept of "personal space" go out the window? Even with my good friends, I need an invitation.

I just remembered when one of my friends was pregnant and the baby kicked while we were chatting. She held her hand out to guide mine to her belly, and I mistook her intent and shook her hand firmly.

You know when I was pregnant with Amanda I was like the first girl in our group to have a kid. All our friends wanted a "feel"! Man, it drove me nuts! And my boobs were incredibly hot back then. Now, 3 years later? Not so much!

That should read 31 years later. not three! Yep I think the mind is going!

Ah, yes. My MIL only gained 7 pounds. How nice for them.

Dude. That takes balls. I don't even ask when someone is due unless I see crowning action.

We were at soccer practice recently and one of the boys (it might have been mine, when they are running around like that they all look alike) said to me: "You look like you have a baby under your shirt."

I said "Go say that to your mom."

They don't ask me to substitute for the coach, anymore.

The belly touchers! Hate them!

When I was about 8 months pregnant with my youngest son, I was standing in our office reception area and a woman I worked with walked up and leaned over a bit and instead of patting my belly, she LIFTED my shirt up by the hem and pointed out to the entire office AND a handful of visitors how cute my big belly was. I still get speechless remembering that moment. Wish I'd been together enough to grab back!

I have never been able to understand why people think pregnancy suddenly makes a woman's body public domain. I get skeeved out enough by the fact that people (particularly little old ladies) seem unable to compliment my hair without grabbing a lock of it. If they're close friends, fine, but random strangers? Yigh. I think the creepiness factor would go up exponentially if they were handling my belly instead of my hair.

Can you send Chris over to smack my mother in law around a little? She gained 12 pounds with my husband "and came out of the hospital two weeks later skinnier than before she got pregnant!" She loved telling me that one while informing me that I looked pregnant with twins. My father in law, two weeks after the last one, told me I ought to come over to swim to 'work off the extra weight.' Sensitive, kind...I know those are the things you are thinking.

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So the Fish Said...

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