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You know you want to hear about my armpits

Thank you all for your righteous indignation regarding my being shit-canned, I appreciate it. Although I probably should have mentioned that we were all shit-canned because the website is going kaput. Your instincts to boycott are therefore very generous, but unnecessary. And I'm not that upset about it for various reasons that I will explain over there later, including the fact that I have earned nearly as much in the past three days from a corporate freelance job as I usually earn in an entire month as a compensated mommy blogger. Although sweet jeebus that means I worked a hell of a lot in three days, much of the time trying to do it while running up and down two flights of stairs trying to get the toddler settled and asleep already.

In other news, I have decreed that we are going to spend tomorrow morning making gingerbread men from actual, homemade gingerbread. I got a recipe off the internet, of course, but if anybody has the best gingerbread recipe of all time and wants to share it with me I would be much obliged. However, please be sure it only contains ingredients which I have on hand as I have already been to two grocery stores today and I am not going again.

And hey, have I ever told you that I'm sort of a mole-y girl? I mean, not, like, carpeted in them, or anything, but not hurting for a lack of them either. There's the one on my nose which you will already know as Chris continuously refuses to Photoshop it out of pictures he posts, which is what I always do, and then I am forced to withhold sex because I think I have the right to dictate exposure to my own nose mole. And there's one on the back of my head and one on my knee and a little one on my right forearm. Not big gross hairy things, mind you, just wee little brown dots. Oh, and then there's one in my armpit. And one in my other armpit. I'm all symmetrical and shit, which rocks. Mia is obsessed with my armpit moles and is constantly forcing me to hike up my shirt so she can use her little doctor kit to check their heartbeats and give them shots, which I understand is entirely adorable, provided you aren't the owner of the armpits in question. When they are your armpits, it gets a little annoying after the 67th daily repetition.

I mention all of this because, and here is where you really get more information about me than you ever wanted, as if the mole discussion wasn't enough, I seem to have an ingrown hair in close proximity to old Lefty, and Mia loves and adores it and wants to spend all of her time poking it and I am beginning to think it is preparing me to feel that labor is no big deal because let me tell you that having an energetic toddler constantly poking an ingrown hair in your armpit hurts pretty much like a motherfucker and I cannot recommend that you try it.

Yeah, that's enough. You are so over me now, aren't you? Go eat some gravy for me, ok? Because the real suckfest thing about being a vegetarian isn't the bacon and it isn't the hamburgers it's the honest to goodness carcass drippings version of Thanksgiving gravy dumped on a pile of mashed potatoes as big as your head. It's enough to make a girl wish for just one day of amnesty, but instead I will live vicariously through your gravy. And pain-free armpits.

(Oh leave me alone, I'm working too much.)

Comments (12)

I know you're trying to chase me away, but now I just think you're hotter than ever.

Nice try, though.

I have a little raised mole on the front of my shoulder that D. sometimes twiddles while nursing and it makes me want to cut the thing OFF so at least she can't do that anymore. Pain now, freedom later, right?

We make an all vegetarian rosemary butter gravy. It's fabulous on mashed potatoes. Email me if you want the recipe.

You know what's even more fascinating to a toddler than a mole? The wound where you've had a mole removed. Yeah, that's a joy.

Hey... I'll be gross and share right along with you. I have a small raised mole in/right next to my right armpit and I have, on more than one occasion, accidentally nicked it while shaving... now THAT hurts. And bleeds quite a bit.

And have you had the moles checked? And continue to have them regularly checked? 'Cause I know you need another thing on your to do list, but it's really not a bad idea at all. Spoken by a woman who has had 16 suspicious moles/growths/thingies removed. (One a couple turned out to be anything more than "suspicious.") And do it now, when you're still covered by ClubMom's health plan. Ha ha ha.

I have one sort of sticky-outey mole on my neck that toddlers and small children like to play with, and it makes me feel like the witch with the poisoned apple and the enormous wart in Snow White. It also really hurts when it gets tugged/scratched/flicked. Hate. I want to get it removed, but I don't think I can justify it to my doctor as a risk because it's been precisely the same - big and ugly - for a very long time.
Anyway, that was likely more than you ever wanted to know about me, but just to gross you out more, I have one right under my breast too. Oh, and one in my armpit! Because we are twins ;-)

I have a beauty mark (okay, a mole, dammit!) on my face that my toddler has just discovered, and she is intent on plucking it off. Lovely.

Happy Thanksgiving to all, dear Beth.

I wouldn't mind having that rosemary gravy recipe. We're not vegetarian but I've been trying to cut back on the unhealthier foods (after tomorrow of course).

yeah ok so i have one in either armpit as well, same spot in each.. it sucks. can't wait to have children now ...

Aw man, that blows ass. And ingrown hair? What a suckey place to get an ingrown hair. This is exactly why I am not a parent. Because I need about three or four more decades of life beating the spark out of me before I will be anywhere near patient enough to stop myself from punching the throat of anyone who messes with an ingrown hair. Toddler or not, I don't care.

And I realize I'm not the most moral person on earth, and maybe I have a tendency to completely disregard any and all rules, so I'm not the sort of fella who does things like abstain from meat, or abstain from anything. But it is my personal belief that vegetarians should be allowed to eat all the meat they want between thanksgiving and x-mas.

Oh my GAWD! I have an armpit-mole sister! YAY! And my daughter has a thing about it, too. This is such an... ODD thing to have in common. By the way, LOVE Miabean's jammies in the cookie pix above. I'm guessing Children's Place???

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So the Fish Said...

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