Chris is 35 today! Woo-hoo! I am fairly sure he celebrated by going to work wearing huge, ugly hoop earrings in each of his four (or is it five?) holes. I think his midlife crisis is being a pirate. Anyway, to celebrate the big day, we are going to play a little game. Below are some statements about Chris, some are true and some are lies. No, I'm not going to tell you how many of each, that makes it too easy, and true items, while true, may contain bits designed to lead you astray. The game is for you to guess which of the following are lies. Ready? Go!
- Chris was married before he met me. Yes, they were very young and getting married was very stupid and it lasted just over a year before they realized that getting married at 18 right out of high school was at the top of the list of most idiotic things they would ever do, but the fact remains that I am a second wife. Chris doesn't like to talk about it, because he doesn't want his clear understanding that it was a huge mistake to in anyway belittle his ex, who is really a lovely person and we see her and her husband a couple of times a year. People who know about it ask me if I mind that he was married, if I'm jealous or something, but I'm actually really glad that it happened. See, if they had done the smart thing and just kept dating, I think they probably would have made it work and gotten married at a more appropriate time and lived happily ever after and then I would have been screwed. So yeah, I'm happy they were so young and stupid and screwed it up because it totally worked out for me.
- Chris really does have his various ears pierced four times. He used to wear earrings in all of them (mainly back in college when he also had hair down to his ass) but these days he usually tops out at two at most. We could discuss his other piercings, I suppose, but a wife cannot be forced to testify against her husband, so I think we'd better leave it at that.
- Chris has a shoe fetish. He has at least twice as many shoes as I do and spends Sunday evenings polishing them, whether they need it or not. The ones that can't be polished get dusted or washed as appropriate and according to a strict set of bylaws understood only by Chris himself. When Chris nearly cut his finger off with a table knife a couple of years ago and was bandaged nearly into oblivion for a couple of weeks, I thought I would do a really nice thing and polish/otherwise clean his shoes for him. I thought for a while he was going to leave me over it, and if he had been able to shower himself at that point he might have done it.
- The biggest fight we ever had was about Ozzy Osbourne.
- We have this really ugly plant. We've had it since before we got married, and it wasn't ugly when we bought it, but it got ugly fast as it rushed toward the brink of death. It has never managed to quite die though, and for a while there was actually almost thriving, although still ugly. Chris loves this ugly plant. It is his mission in life to keep it alive and make it happy, and during the thriving period he would give me sometimes daily reports on the number, color, and status of ugly leaves on the ugly thing. The ugly plant does not like the new house, and despite different watering schedules and different locations with different light exposures, it seems we can no longer stave off the inevitable process that started all those years ago - the ugly plant is very nearly dead. Chris is bereft. He checks it daily. He initiates long conversations on whether it would he happier on the dining room table or the kitchen window or smack dab in the middle of our bed. He has speculated in all seriousness whether it is possible to euthanize the ugly plant and thereby end its suffering. I am worried - the plant is not long for this world, and I doubt if Chris will ever recover.
Now, time to vote. Click below for each item that you think is a lie, you may vote for more than one so you are trying to find all the lies here. Answers tomorrow.
Oh yeah, and Happy Birthday to Chris!