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Things I learned this week
- You know when your first child is born and you are trying to do everything so perfectly and you swear that your precious, precious child will never eat Doritos or drink soda? Yeah, well sooner or later you will get to the point where you will feed that child McDonald's french fries for lunch two days in a row and consider yourself a mothering success because at least that is two consecutive lunches at which you managed to present a food that the child actually agreed to eat. At least today she chased her french fries with organic (chocolate) milk rather than the all-chemicals all-the-time milkshake.
- There are no items with which you can fill a grocery cart that will disguise the fact that you are purchasing a large and varied assortment of enemas and laxatives, so don't even try. That, by they way, is also the answer to the question "Hey Beth, how was the Pediatric Gastroenterologist?"
- It is a moral victory to throw away the last of the shitty cupcakes. Or rather, the last of the shitty cupcake once you have eaten two of the three remaining shitty cupcakes. In fact, when faced with the dilemma of what to do with a collection of six shitty cupcakes, I strongly recommend eating five of them and then throwing the last firmly away because that is nothing but willpower, baby, plain and simple.
- Hey, two-year-olds say inappropriate things at inopportune times. News flash!
- Chris used to live in his car in New York. Mia told me so, it must be true.
- The following conversation will improve any week:
Mia: Mommy, where is Daddy's hooker?
Me: Daddy had to take his hooker to work, honey. He can't get into his office without his hooker.