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I want your...

Let me ask you a question. Those of you who have two or more children, how do you ever have sex? No, really. I mean yes, my children do frequently sleep at the same time, but there is not any time at which I can feel confident that one of them isn't seconds away from starting to scream/sing/talk/giggle/howl at the moon. Which I dunno, but knowing that I may be mere moments away from having to get up and cram my boob into someone (else's?) mouth doesn't do much for "the mood."

Seriously, I want to know this.

I also want to know the following things:

1) What do you do if one of your offspring starts screaming at an especially inopportune time? Go deal with them? Let them scream? If you let them scream, doesn't the screaming put a bit of a damper on things?

2) Do you ever, as someone around here may have suggested today, just lock any available toddlers in their room for a bit to amuse themselves? What, she has toys in there.

3) Do you just wait until they go to college?

Feel free to be anonymous.

Comments (58)

lock the door to your room...in our case we kick out the cat, the dog and hope no one else disturbs us, but when we do open the door good grief everyone but the neighbor is standing in the doorway.

I think the only way to do it with babies as young as ours is to take the moment when the children are all asleep, adjourn to the bedroom (or wherever) and just focus on having fun for as long as you have. If you make... you know, the punchline... the whole point of being there I think the anxiety over an impending wail makes the whole time unfun. And if you're just having fun, I find you get to the punchline more often than you'd expect.

This problem is largely the reason why we don't yet have #3. Sex? Oh, yeah... I remember that. Vaguely.

Well I tell you what, enjoy it while they are little, just wait until Mia is old enough to ask what you are doing and "want to know the truth,not what you are pretending", yes that is a direct quote from my 6 year old. For the toddler alone time, I do that here, I don't lock her in her room, (she has this thing about climbing dressers) but I do block her in with a baby gate, high enough she can't get over, and low enough she can't squeeze under. Then she doesn't feel trapped and we can get a little "business done" or I do it when I need to get something done that I don't want her sticky little toddler hands in, etc. The biggest thing is my daughter hates having the door closed, she feels left out, if the door is open and you are around the corner its all good :)

I must stop reading your blog or I am going to cross my knees and not let #2 come out. You are scaring me lady! Stop it! Hehe...good luck because I would go with the locking them in their room if necessary.

I only have one child, BUT, where there's a will, they're a way.

ALSO, I could let her scream, but it totally takes the "wind" out of hubby's "sail"

Well, I have three. I've had two for eight years. In the early days, we turned the radio up really loud, left the tv on in the living room, and locked kid one in his room.

Kid two came and we tried that, but the older one listed the other one on eBay while we we're looking. And then they duct taped each other together.

We gave up and just didn't do it for a while. And, by a while, I mean, like, a year. And then we almost got divorced. I do not advise Not Doing It. In the end, we figured out that an early morning shower was our best bet. The kids are always the most asleep an hour before they wake up, and you can't hear JACK over a shower. Also, it helped with the milk issues.

By the time kid three came along, we were so tired we couldn't remember each others names. We couldn't have cared less. She's Mia's age now, and it's just now getting back to normal.

So, showers. And stop at two. Hope that helps.

With babies, it is difficult. As they get older, they sleep more. There is usually a period of time where the kids can be counted upon to sleep fairly well. We shoot for that time.

I have a 14 yr old, a 9 yr old and a 6 yr old. They all sleep pretty well, and there is a smile on my face (IYKWIM) often in the mornings.

You also learn to be quick and silent. And once a year, leave the kids with a sitter for a few hours and rent a hotel room. It feels weird, but it is worth it.

We wait until the kids are asleep for the night. Sometimes, like tonight, we wait and wait. And wait. Was that too much info? Sorry.

We have the added bonus of living with my inlaws. It works out perfect except for the whole, ya know, "watching a movie" thing.

So my advice is, sacrifice some sleep and do the deed when they are down for the night (or in Owen's case, down for the long haul) Good Luck!

*takes notes for future reference*

Just live in the moment and try to get as much as possible now because when they get older I think it becomes more difficult. The older they get the later they stay up and by the time you can get down to business then you are too tired! And having teenagers in the house if you go into your room and shut and lock the door then you just know that they know and it kinda creeps me out!
Good Luck!!!

Twice in the past eight months, baby. Doesn't help that he works evenings and I sleep with the kids just to get them asleep at the same time without all the fussing - all the FUSSING!

I don't have two but it's still kind of an issue for us. I bought a book - here's the link

Lots of good thoughts in here about not just sex but also how we teach our kids about sex and intimacy. Pretty good read so far. I'm not done yet.

We used to have a bedroom door that didn't lock. Imagine that one.

Our 4 year old son burst in and thankfully we were under the covers (thought they were still sleeping) and shouted..."Hey, I wanna play house too!" When we were too stunned to reply, he ran out and announced to the siblings...

"They are having fun in there!"

Um, correction, WERE having fun.

The Maid

I've got a good while before number 1 arrives and you got me worried lol
Pol x

Wait until they are both asleep, close the door and HURRY!

And yes, if one of them cries while I am in the middle of something I always stop to check on the kid first.

It all depends on what type of screaming it is. If it's "I can't find my blanket and I'm going to scream til someone helps me", we'll break and she goes right back to sleep. If it's "I have a little cough, but will probably make it back to sleep on my own" we just try to ignore it. It also depends on where we are, ahem, in the process. I can tell you that it is infinitely easier now that the second one is 2. They both sleep pretty reliably and still go to bed early enough that we're not too tired.

And, yes. We have locked the kids in a room. It's a rush then, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do. That's why you buy them all those toys, right?

We have sex a lot, but you have to kind of work it out in your mind when. My youngest has a bedtime of about 8:15. That means the process starts and everything for us - getting ready for bed, feed the dog etc, is over by 9:00 so from 9-10 or after is sex time if we want it.

Our teen goes to bed when she wants, so we just have to make sure that she's in her room.

We lock OUR door, that's my wife and if we didn't our teen and 10 YO would walk in. It makes them knock.

If we get interrupted I have to start the process over with my wife and go through all the foreplay again, but it usually doesn't take as long to warm her up.

Having a baby makes it a little more difficult, but not impossible. Bed time can be early and get the toddler to bed with him. That's the only way.

The encouraging thing is it gets easier as they get older. But int he beginning, quickie sex is more common. Lingerie and toy play happens a lot less frequently than later on.

On the screaming ... sex or no sex ... you have to let them scream and just turn off the monitor. They need to understand you don't always come when they call.

Some of what can happen is to get worked up during the day. Seriously, flirt and have an all day dirty mail fest. Then when they go to bed you two are worked up enough that it doesn't take much or very long.

I think it all comes down to time management. Right now with having to feed and all so frequently it's as tough as it gets. It gets easier the older they get.

~Jef

And quickie morning sex is probably the most worry free sex. Our youngest wakes up at 5:30 so from 5:00 to 5:30 we can have shower sex or in bed quickies.

And my 15 year old knows we have sex. She complains we are too loud at night. With the door locked and trying to be quiet. I think it's our bed.

I don't agree with the people who just don't have sex. That's a give up in my opinion and those who haven't had kids; they will have to adjust to the changes. But don't EVER stop having sex for longer than a medically prescribed time. VERY bad on a relationship. Get in that bedroom and f#ck!

~Jef

~Jef

I am now afraid to have another baby. Thanks.

OMG! I loved reading the comments just as much as your post. My husband would REALLY like a solution to this problem. Just the a.m. we thought we could hurry before kids woke up, instead we found our daughter standing at the door before 7am. So I will give advice when I figure it out, until then I will just read the comments about all the other parents who are in the same boat. How do some people have 5,6,10 kids. Where do they do it? I want to hear from them.

and also, what if you wait until everyone is asleep at night, but you have a three year old who routinely wanders into your room to sleep? I guess that might be the same issue.

But ALSO, what do you do when it seems like every FREAKING TIME you find a way to sneak in the fun, ONE OF YOU ends up pregnant? But that might be a different conversation entirely and not really related to the current issue at hand.

Our eldest has been trained for years not to leave her room until there are two 7's on the clock. This had nothing to do with sex until years later, when I was pregnant with our third and too tired at night. I would wake up about 8 minutes before her expected arrival and tell my husband if he was interested, he better move fast. The kink inthat plan is that our middle child, while subject to the same rules, isn't very good at following them. I always had one ear open for the click. It helps that they are older (5 and 3).

We have on an occasion or two strapped them into booster seats at the table with a pile of Play Doh, run off during an episode of Blue's Clues, and just once, while the oldest was a baby, taken advantage of the one time she was content in the baby swing.

It pays to be creative, and quick.

We've only just been cleared for takeoff after #3. It's always freaky when the baby is still in the room with you, so wish us luck!

Wait, was that creepy?

It doesn't help when your wife is allergic to quickies (always a "longie" if at all) and we have three hyper kids that pretty much sleep only two hours a day.

So, to answer your question? No, we don't have sex. Not like we did, that's for sure. We try and have it a few times a year, I guess, if we're lucky...

Only thirteen more years before my youngest is old enough for college!

;)

As the kids get older, this is getting to be more of a problem: the two older kids are now coming upstairs to pee or get a drink until around 9:00, and then 10:00 begins the "toddler or baby might wake up crying" time. So, we aim for 9:05. Or we risk it---but lately the kids have seemed psychic, and they wake up...inopportunely. We've tried stopping and we've tried continuing, and both are...awful.

First of all, I'd say go easy on yourselves. When the twins were Owen's age, I think it's safe to say that there was NOTHING but nursing and the occasional nap going on in our bedroom.

As for what do while you wait for the kids to sleep more soundly and more predictably, I guess we just started feeling comfortable with taking the chance. We'd wait until it felt like they were all asleep, convene our procedure, and, at first, finish quickly lest there be screaming. (Hot, huh?)

As time went by and we were rarely interrupted, we gradually found a new niche of time for ourselves. It's usually in the middle of the night, but a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

We have 3 kids, 17, 14, and 2 yrs. Plus my hubby is a third shifter, so finding time for sex around here is difficult for sure. If the older two are gone, he's been known to go out and buy the little one something new just to entertain her so we can get down to business. I don't suggest the never doing it thing, I tried that for awhile (there just wasn't time!) uhm, he got rather grouchy. Good luck :)

we have 3.

we just do it. mostly at night, even with the baby in the cosleeper, is that rude? he doesn't seem to care. If someone cries it depends on why they are crying.

For me it got easier again when #2 was older. #1 would go in his room in the morning and entertain him. Now they are 4 and 2.5 and we just tell them to go away for awhile. I suspect this won't work much longer with either the older ones or the baby.

I will say I love quickies. Before, it seemed to drone on and on for hours. I must have the sexual attention span of a gnat.

I'm so glad you asked this so I can also benefit from the wisdom of others. I mean, I watched Mike Rowe artificially inseminate turkeys the other day on Dirty Jobs and it was the closest to sex that I'm getting. Happy to see that it can still be done, though!

I was just wondering this same question today, and wondering if we were very bad parents b/c we used the 10 minutes she was happily amusing herself in her crib to fool around. So, um, our advice? Be fast. Very fast. Clothing removal optional.

We have three children (1, 3 & 5). S-E-X? Please define. Everytime we seem to have S-E-X someone gets pregnant!

We find running for the bedroom right after bedtime works. Normally any fussing occurs about 30 minutes plus after bedtime so we are fast and furious then. Otherwise, get a sitter and find another locale (hotel, car, drive-in) =).

Ours are 4 and 2. For the first year of #2's life, I think we had sex maybe twice. I was all "meh -- got enough pawing at my lady bits going on during the day, thank you very much." Once she was weaned, there was vaguely more interest, vaguely less exhaustion. Between ages 1 and 2, we maybe managed half a dozen times. -sigh- It was NOT good. Now it's much, much better. We ignore the whimpering cries that mean she'll fall asleep again on her own. A big-time shriek fest will interrupt us. Probably permanently for that night. But I think one should not underestimate the huge loss of *interest* that can occur when the kids are little and exhausting, and bed seems like a blissful sleepy place one longs for. That DOES change, though, as they get a bit older, thankfully.

I'm not sure about this. But one time my toddler snuck in all covert like whilst we were in the act and asked my husband why he was 'stabbing her mommy with that thang'. Since then, we've made sure she was fast asleep and locked our door. I know that is crappy advice, but it has worked for us.

We have three and just last night, at 1:30am, our youngest (6) walked in on us. Luckily, we were covered up. I sent her back to her room and locked our door and then more or less HURRIED in case she decided she wanted to come back into our room! Our master bedroom is a hallway away from our other kids and the older they get, the more tricky it becomes because they KNOW in some capacity what THEIR PARENTS ARE DOING and I am very aware of the sounds involved! But, we just go for it anyway, trying for the best possible time, and praying that they are ALL asleep and enjoy those times when their grandparents take the kids for the weekend!!!

Very interesting discussion. Now obviously Mia is too young to discuss this with, but everybody seems preoccupied with hiding from their kids. But maybe kids could understand that mommy and daddy need time alone to love each other (or something like that). It would be a healthy image of sexuality to balance the crap in the media.

We very rarely have sex when Alex's daughter is staying over. Its not too bad with just Meghan as she can't get out of her cot and come in the bedroom. But Emelye is so quiet, we probably wouldn't even notice she was in the room until she was at the side of our bed. Thats a scary, scary thought. If we do have sex with her here, we shut the bedroom door so at least we have a few seconds to jump apart and pull the covers over ourselves if she does come in.

the only way we had sex for the first year of #2's life was boohbah. i'm not kidding. the baby would stare open mouthed at it in a trance for 22 blessed minutes. the older kid can be hooked up to a computer for a bit and will never voluntarily walk away.

quick is important. so is the lock on the door.

I promise it gets better as they get a little older. I think it's a baby's defense mechanism to make sure you don't get pregnant while they need you so much (I'm only half joking). I will never forget when my kids were both little my mother came over and the husband and I ran out under some false pretense and got...um... romantic in the car. I can't imagine what would have happened if we had been found out, we were not a couple of kids... lol
But I do promise it gets better.

I took a half-day of vacation one morning when they were both in preschool and Bump didn't have to coop. That was in November; our third child is due in August. I hope this serves as a cautionary tale for everyone.

Holy cow!

1) NO matter how old they are, lock the friggin' door!

2) Let the baby cry for a few minutes and turn off the monitors.

3) You have to find time. No matter if it's 5 or 10 minutes, the time is there.

4) My mom had a split door on my room. She'd lock the bottom and tell me it was "my time". I'd look at books or nap.

Seth once walked in on me and the hubby. He was 3. He didn't say anything and actually crawled under the bed and slept all night! I was mortified. He'd been there since around 11 the night before.

lock the doors.

So, what I am understanding here is to stock up on sex now, before kids enter the picture. I better get busy.
And yes, lock the toddler in a room with plenty of distractions and snacks.

I loved reading the comments. I would not even ask my friends this because I wonder if it is too personal, but a blog...brilliant. Have you ever thought how those pioneers or families living in one room had such large families? They MUST have heard it going on. But we are like the others-lock the doors, go for quick and it is not very often.

Four here....11,10,6,5....It's definitely better now that older kids can get cereal and entertain the little ones on weekend mornings. We lock the door and stay quiet. It's also better now that they are older and are not too much to take care of for an overnight at Nanny's. When they were younger it was totally tougher but they will sleep and somehow they synch up and will go down together. Owen is still so new but it will happen..

Babysitter, nap time nooners, video for Mia and nap for Owen, bathroom breaks, be creative!

Who are all these people having sex? We have virtually none! We have an almost 3 year-old and a 4 month-old, both work full time and are knackered by 8pm! We miss sex and we sort of want sex, but desire is fleeting at best...

We know we should have it and have tried to make it a priority or schedule it even-it just doesn't happen. I dream about it sometimes... but my libido is on vacation... I'm nursing my son-and nursed babe #1 for 18 months-I suppose that hasn't helped but the nursing relationship is important to me. My husband and I are really making efforts to try and stay connected in other ways... And we're older than many parents of young kids at 50 and 43.

I guess we were lucky to have required fertility assistance for our pregnancies, as we might not have had children otherwise!

Really?! All you people are having so much sex-really??? Man!

omfg...this is too good to not comment.
Quickies it is...you've always got a small moments here and there. If you want an all-nighter get a babysitter (a must eventually)if not..here and there holds me over. Especially those bathroom escapades...never know when they're around the corner.

It's infrequent and comes in bursts of two or three in a short period of time.

No, we don't lock any kids in their rooms, but we do lock our door, which would be unusual to our kids to even see it closed.

Honestly, our best sex has come when one is sleeping and the other is watching a movie during nap/quiet time. We sneak upstairs and spend 20 or 30 minutes alone. Quickies come in the shower and sometimes in the closet. It's a mixed bag.

The main issue we face is being too tired at night. Having two kids means burning the candle at both ends, so we rarely have sex after kid bedtime. Unfortunate, but true.

I am so glad I do not have children, I think I will go home and have sex with my boyfriend in the middle of the living room floor.

Thank you. Also, sorry.

I feel like you are trying to tell us something. I'm just not sure what it is.

I only have one kid and barely have sex. What TMI?

Sex! That's it. I knew I was missing something!

Wow, I don't remember this being such a problem for us. My kids are 13 and 7, and I can remember our oldest crawling on the floor while we were busy. We just tossed the covers over us and kept going quietly. I also had special toys and videos that came out only at that time. Quickies were good, we never did the motel thing but that's a good idea. The most important thing is DO IT. I learned that even when I wasn't in the mood, if I just went along I eventually did get in the mood, and we were both happier for it. Solidify that bond between you and Chris, so when the kids are teens you will reject the idea of divorce just so you can give custody to the other spouse.

Easy. It's called a weekend/afternoon/evening/morning with the grandparents.

And when they're older, I use the nobody leaves their room until they see two 7's on the clock with Mommy' door being locked trick. But with that you also have to be prepared for the "Mom? Was your back hurting this morning because you made a lot of noise getting out of bed."

TMI???

I'm just preparing you. Because even with all of those tools...really, when in bed don't you just really want to sleep?

We are lucky enough to have both sets of Grandparents in town. We get all kinds of free time.

My girls are 7 and 9 and I still haven't figured out the best plan of attack!!! We do some sneaking and most of the time we just wait until they goto sleep and then I have to listen closely to hear if they wake up... not always the best mood. But now they barge into any room they choose without a knock or a noise. So I'm understandably very paranoid.

Good luck!!!! We all need it.

We take showers together and do it there. Then it really doesn't matter if they are awake or asleep or even wander in the bathroom because the curtain and water noise shield you in a hurry if need be.

We lock our door. There is a gate at the top of the steps and we turn on our airfilter.

We also are intimate usually during the 5 AM hour, so kids are pretty dead asleep.

I'm pregnant with #4.

I already posted this, but it didn't show up, so sorry if it does later.

We do things at the 5AM hour when they are all dead asleep. We also lock the door and have the airfilter on and a gate at the top of the steps.

I'm pregnant with #4

Fascinating question and even more interesting comments. I have one child and was too tired and not that interested for the first year or so. Sleep was what I craved the most.

I agree lock the door and carve out the time for yourselves.

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