How to climb out of your baby's crib without waking the baby. By Beth Fish.
Step One: Assume the Position: After extensive research, I can state with authority that the most important part of exiting a crib is the position you select when you enter the crib. You can't just sprawl in there all willy-nilly and then expect to make a graceful exit. The ideal solution is to keep your legs carefully folded underneath you in a sort of upright fetal position. This allows for the smoothest eventual exit. However, you must carefully monitor your lower extremities as after an hour or two your legs are likely to fall asleep rendering you unable to move and stuck in the crib all night.
Step Two: Get the Baby to Sleep: Hey, don't look at me, you are on your own here. I do strongly recommend that you try to avoid telling your baby that he is a goddamned fucking pain in your goddamned fucking ass, because he will eventually sleep peacefully or do something cute or vomit all over himself and then you will regret all that swearing.
Step Three: Break Contact: Next, you must disentangle all of your bits from your baby. As handy as it would be, it is not advisable to leave an arm behind in the crib as it may pose a choking hazard. Ditto a breast. Based on how soundly your baby is sleeping and how many teeth are currently assaulting his gums, this may take anywhere from a few minutes to until you reach your dotage.
Step Four: Make your Escape: Now is the time to seize your courage and exit as quickly and smoothly as you can. Lingering only shakes the mattress and angers the sleeping beast upon it. Provided your legs are still functioning, rise carefully onto your knees, throw your outside leg over the crib rail, and use your hands to boost yourself out of the crib and onto the floor. Attempt not to tip the crib over as you do this, and be ready at all times to drop immediately back to the mattress and assume an attitude of total innocence and an intention to spend the rest of your born days in that crib.
Now, would someone please tell me that I am not the only person who has been desperate and stupid enough to spend the better part of more evenings than I care to count huddled in a crib with my kid? And if I am the only one, would you at least tell me the craziest thing you have done trying to get your kid to sleep?